No birthday present- break up with him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't date either or you. Who needs more crap?
He is trying to create emotional distance between you. All the special days and need for gifts is the opposite of being able to do that.
Not a good match.

OP here. I think this is right about him trying to create emotional distance. And yes of course it’s not about the actual gift. Giving birthday and Christmas gifts is just something people who love each other do for each other customarily. And we had done this all before so it’s a shift. This isn’t the only sign that he’s trying to create emotional distance. It’s just the most obvious, concrete one.

What do you mean we had this all before? You’ve been going out 2 years - so one other Christmas and birthday?

By the way gift giving is my lowest priority of all the love languages and I vote for breaking up. I find that people who prioritize gifts so highly have a very different emotional makeup than the other languages. The rest of the love languages amplify everyday activity.

But gift givers say stuff like you didn’t give the gift on the day, you didn’t send it, dinner out is not a physical gift, etc (all stuff in your post, even when you are praising a gift). It’s draining for someone who doesn’t have that as a love language.

That’s interesting. I love giving/getting gifts but I am not really demanding about it. I just appreciate them when they come and would be sad if my boyfriend never gave me gifts. But I am pretty happy with whatever I get and more than happy to just place and order for myself and call it a gift lol. It seems like a pretty small thing to do.

HOWEVER - I definitely know someone who was a complete psycho about gifts, even from children, who would lose it not only if they didn’t get a gift but if it wasn’t a good enough gift. But she was trouble in many other areas of life. The gift part was just one particularly bad example (since she ruined more than one Christmas).

OP kind of strikes me as the latter especially since she is complaining to everyone about it. Too much drama.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. And I don’t mean that snarkily!

It sure sounded snarky . . .

But I’ll answer, I’m 51. I own so many things and could buy whatever I want. But I’ve always felt this way even when I’d have much and wanted more. There is something about waiting for trinkets to show me I am loved that has never sat well with me.

Children are old enough to decide what to do for Mother and Fathers Day. Not sure I’ve ever given Valentines Day much thought, except for post-holiday chocolate sales. We ask each other what we want and how to celebrate birthdays and Christmas — and sometimes we plan our own birthday or buy our own gift. Often we do not give birthday presents. If we acknowledge birthdays, it’s more likely to be a joint or family activity. Dinner is the most common family birthday acknowledgment.

My husband and I have been married a long time. He knows me well, but still not as well as I know myself.

OP here. But isn’t this part the key?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't date either or you. Who needs more crap?
He is trying to create emotional distance between you. All the special days and need for gifts is the opposite of being able to do that.
Not a good match.

OP here. I think this is right about him trying to create emotional distance. And yes of course it’s not about the actual gift. Giving birthday and Christmas gifts is just something people who love each other do for each other customarily. And we had done this all before so it’s a shift. This isn’t the only sign that he’s trying to create emotional distance. It’s just the most obvious, concrete one.

What do you mean we had this all before? You’ve been going out 2 years - so one other Christmas and birthday?

By the way gift giving is my lowest priority of all the love languages and I vote for breaking up. I find that people who prioritize gifts so highly have a very different emotional makeup than the other languages. The rest of the love languages amplify everyday activity.

But gift givers say stuff like you didn’t give the gift on the day, you didn’t send it, dinner out is not a physical gift, etc (all stuff in your post, even when you are praising a gift). It’s draining for someone who doesn’t have that as a love language.

This. It's never enough, they always pick at it. Break up and find someone who gives physical gifts to your precise standards. If you can.

OP here. I don’t actually think I am being high maintenance here in terms of gift giving. I think it’s a social norm to give something even if small on birthdays, anniversaries if married, chocolate or flowers on Valentine’s Day, Christmas, Mothers or Father’s Day (for spouses). People can opt out of there’s agreement on that of course. And he has gotten me small, thoughtful things in the past, as have I. And of course it doesn’t have to be something physical. It’s the thought that counts, as they say. My exH just automatically had flowers delivered for V day and Mothers Day, and wrote me a card, and, like I said, he struggled with basic tasks. It’s a common courtesy.

Meh. At the point you are arguing about “common courtesy” to impugn your partner, it’s over. Nothing is universal and if you can’t overlook relatively small failings or have an honest discussion about it, the relationship is not working.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't date either or you. Who needs more crap?
He is trying to create emotional distance between you. All the special days and need for gifts is the opposite of being able to do that.
Not a good match.

OP here. I think this is right about him trying to create emotional distance. And yes of course it’s not about the actual gift. Giving birthday and Christmas gifts is just something people who love each other do for each other customarily. And we had done this all before so it’s a shift. This isn’t the only sign that he’s trying to create emotional distance. It’s just the most obvious, concrete one.

What do you mean we had this all before? You’ve been going out 2 years - so one other Christmas and birthday?

By the way gift giving is my lowest priority of all the love languages and I vote for breaking up. I find that people who prioritize gifts so highly have a very different emotional makeup than the other languages. The rest of the love languages amplify everyday activity.

But gift givers say stuff like you didn’t give the gift on the day, you didn’t send it, dinner out is not a physical gift, etc (all stuff in your post, even when you are praising a gift). It’s draining for someone who doesn’t have that as a love language.

That’s interesting. I love giving/getting gifts but I am not really demanding about it. I just appreciate them when they come and would be sad if my boyfriend never gave me gifts. But I am pretty happy with whatever I get and more than happy to just place and order for myself and call it a gift lol. It seems like a pretty small thing to do.

HOWEVER - I definitely know someone who was a complete psycho about gifts, even from children, who would lose it not only if they didn’t get a gift but if it wasn’t a good enough gift. But she was trouble in many other areas of life. The gift part was just one particularly bad example (since she ruined more than one Christmas).

OP kind of strikes me as the latter especially since she is complaining to everyone about it. Too much drama.

OP here. He gave me a sports bra and a stuffed animal last year and I was thrilled.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't date either or you. Who needs more crap?
He is trying to create emotional distance between you. All the special days and need for gifts is the opposite of being able to do that.
Not a good match.

OP here. I think this is right about him trying to create emotional distance. And yes of course it’s not about the actual gift. Giving birthday and Christmas gifts is just something people who love each other do for each other customarily. And we had done this all before so it’s a shift. This isn’t the only sign that he’s trying to create emotional distance. It’s just the most obvious, concrete one.

For YOU. I don’t mind gifts but they’re not remotely that important to me or my husband. We show each other our love primarily in other ways. But if gifts are important to you then find someone who feels the same or who cares enough that you feel feel that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't date either or you. Who needs more crap?
He is trying to create emotional distance between you. All the special days and need for gifts is the opposite of being able to do that.
Not a good match.

OP here. I think this is right about him trying to create emotional distance. And yes of course it’s not about the actual gift. Giving birthday and Christmas gifts is just something people who love each other do for each other customarily. And we had done this all before so it’s a shift. This isn’t the only sign that he’s trying to create emotional distance. It’s just the most obvious, concrete one.

What do you mean we had this all before? You’ve been going out 2 years - so one other Christmas and birthday?

By the way gift giving is my lowest priority of all the love languages and I vote for breaking up. I find that people who prioritize gifts so highly have a very different emotional makeup than the other languages. The rest of the love languages amplify everyday activity.

But gift givers say stuff like you didn’t give the gift on the day, you didn’t send it, dinner out is not a physical gift, etc (all stuff in your post, even when you are praising a gift). It’s draining for someone who doesn’t have that as a love language.

+1 to all of this!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't date either or you. Who needs more crap?
He is trying to create emotional distance between you. All the special days and need for gifts is the opposite of being able to do that.
Not a good match.

OP here. I think this is right about him trying to create emotional distance. And yes of course it’s not about the actual gift. Giving birthday and Christmas gifts is just something people who love each other do for each other customarily. And we had done this all before so it’s a shift. This isn’t the only sign that he’s trying to create emotional distance. It’s just the most obvious, concrete one.

What do you mean we had this all before? You’ve been going out 2 years - so one other Christmas and birthday?

By the way gift giving is my lowest priority of all the love languages and I vote for breaking up. I find that people who prioritize gifts so highly have a very different emotional makeup than the other languages. The rest of the love languages amplify everyday activity.

But gift givers say stuff like you didn’t give the gift on the day, you didn’t send it, dinner out is not a physical gift, etc (all stuff in your post, even when you are praising a gift). It’s draining for someone who doesn’t have that as a love language.

This. It's never enough, they always pick at it. Break up and find someone who gives physical gifts to your precise standards. If you can.

OP here. I don’t actually think I am being high maintenance here in terms of gift giving. I think it’s a social norm to give something even if small on birthdays, anniversaries if married, chocolate or flowers on Valentine’s Day, Christmas, Mothers or Father’s Day (for spouses). People can opt out of there’s agreement on that of course. And he has gotten me small, thoughtful things in the past, as have I. And of course it doesn’t have to be something physical. It’s the thought that counts, as they say. My exH just automatically had flowers delivered for V day and Mothers Day, and wrote me a card, and, like I said, he struggled with basic tasks. It’s a common courtesy.

Meh. At the point you are arguing about “common courtesy” to impugn your partner, it’s over. Nothing is universal and if you can’t overlook relatively small failings or have an honest discussion about it, the relationship is not working.

OP here. Ok last post and I’m done and appreciate everyone’s thoughts. I did have an honest discussion with him about it. And he acknowledged my feelings. And said he was going to do something about it and didn’t.

I agree this issue doesn’t need anymore air time! I’ll see myself out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't date either or you. Who needs more crap?
He is trying to create emotional distance between you. All the special days and need for gifts is the opposite of being able to do that.
Not a good match.

OP here. I think this is right about him trying to create emotional distance. And yes of course it’s not about the actual gift. Giving birthday and Christmas gifts is just something people who love each other do for each other customarily. And we had done this all before so it’s a shift. This isn’t the only sign that he’s trying to create emotional distance. It’s just the most obvious, concrete one.

What do you mean we had this all before? You’ve been going out 2 years - so one other Christmas and birthday?

By the way gift giving is my lowest priority of all the love languages and I vote for breaking up. I find that people who prioritize gifts so highly have a very different emotional makeup than the other languages. The rest of the love languages amplify everyday activity.

But gift givers say stuff like you didn’t give the gift on the day, you didn’t send it, dinner out is not a physical gift, etc (all stuff in your post, even when you are praising a gift). It’s draining for someone who doesn’t have that as a love language.

This. It's never enough, they always pick at it. Break up and find someone who gives physical gifts to your precise standards. If you can.

OP here. I don’t actually think I am being high maintenance here in terms of gift giving. I think it’s a social norm to give something even if small on birthdays, anniversaries if married, chocolate or flowers on Valentine’s Day, Christmas, Mothers or Father’s Day (for spouses). People can opt out of there’s agreement on that of course. And he has gotten me small, thoughtful things in the past, as have I. And of course it doesn’t have to be something physical. It’s the thought that counts, as they say. My exH just automatically had flowers delivered for V day and Mothers Day, and wrote me a card, and, like I said, he struggled with basic tasks. It’s a common courtesy.

I do think you are. If he paid for dinner that's the gift. A lot of people would be fine with that. And that's why it's not a social norm for adults IMO. It's just that some people make a big deal of their birthdays and others don't. I don't care about my birthday and I don't care about gifts and would sooner just skip the whole gift thing.

Now, of course you don't want an unmotivated or disorganized man. But that's not really about the birthday gift, is it?

If you hassle him about dinner not being enough, he may decide you're not worth dealing with. If you're going to be like this every potential gift receiving holiday, forget it.

+1. He took her to dinner a few days after her birthday - and she was not in town the day of her birthday. He probably reasonably believed that for adults the birthday is really the day of, and he did more than enough to celebrate her by taking her out a few days after. With the exception of a big milestone birthday maybe, most adults don’t expect gifts if they aren’t even in town on their birthday! OP wanted more and is welcome to express that but acting like he is some sort of neglectful monster violating social norms is a bit much.

[Anonymous]

So he did give you thoughtful gifts for Valentines Day but because he gave them to you in person and that wasn’t on Feb 14, they don’t count. And he took you out for dinner for your birthday but since he didn’t also give you another gift, it doesn’t count. The reality is that no matter what he does, it won’t be enough. You are high maintenance and materialistic. I get you feel that the social norm is that a man’s role is to give you lots of money and gifts and buy you expensive things that you can show off to your friends, but you should be dating him for him, not for what he can buy you. I would break up. There are sugar daddy websites you can go on and find an older man who will lavish gifts on you in return for you giving him what he needs and wants.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. And I don’t mean that snarkily!

It sure sounded snarky . . .

But I’ll answer, I’m 51. I own so many things and could buy whatever I want. But I’ve always felt this way even when I’d have much and wanted more. There is something about waiting for trinkets to show me I am loved that has never sat well with me.

Children are old enough to decide what to do for Mother and Fathers Day. Not sure I’ve ever given Valentines Day much thought, except for post-holiday chocolate sales. We ask each other what we want and how to celebrate birthdays and Christmas — and sometimes we plan our own birthday or buy our own gift. Often we do not give birthday presents. If we acknowledge birthdays, it’s more likely to be a joint or family activity. Dinner is the most common family birthday acknowledgment.

My husband and I have been married a long time. He knows me well, but still not as well as I know myself.

OP here. But isn’t this part the key?

Except neither of us are going to call our friends or complain on the internet because we got dinner and not a trinket. The key part is that neither of us are gift people, so we usually start from a place where (assuming we want anything), it’s a form of food together or an activity together. If we want a thing, we say specifically what the thing is or buy it ourselves.

You are saying you want this guy to buy you an unspecified thing and give it to you in a certain manner. Do you really not see why that’s different?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Folks focusing on the gift thing are missing the point. OP isn’t complaining that the dude didn’t give her a Chanel bag. Even if the gift is small, it denotes time, effort, acknowledgement. Come on, we’ve all had boyfriends who took the time to make or cook something when we were all broke and it was super meaningful.

He’s phoning it in OP. Ask yourself what the long term goal is with this guy (eventual marriage? Cohabitation?), then sit and speak with him frankly. It’s ok if yours goals don’t align. But if they don’t, end it. Being with someone like this is depressing.

I will point out, as someone whose been in your position, that there’s a somewhat harsh truth to post divorce dating where the fairy tale does sort is leave the building, so if this guy is honest, kind, and you enjoy his companionship, ask yourself if that’s enough. I’m not saying “settle” in a bad way, but the truth is that relationships later in life look and feel different than they did when we were younger. Just food for thought. If you think he’s wasting your time, yes let him go. But if he’s a good man and this is just how he does relationships, maybe it’s enough? Just saying…the pickings for women aren’t awesome out there. Best of luck to you, sincerely.

All of the love languages are about time, effort, and acknowledgement. Some are even are about connection. We get it! What you don’t get is that gift givers want particular type of these things. Dinner is not good enough. Cooking a meal is an act of service, not a gift. OP wants a physical item. If he were distancing himself (and she cared) or he weren’t otherwise thoughtful, pretty odd to write a post about not getting a gift.

This is really the best part of this this thread. I'm another who does not care about gifts or birthday acknowledgement. I really can't get into the mindset of people who think that is important (and objectively, I think it's lame). But as an intelligent person, if that was important to them, and they let me know, I would intellectually never, ever forget, and if I loved them I would buy gifts. And they would be decent gifts too, because I would take notes and I'm aware and observant enough to get hints and know likes and dislikes!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't date either or you. Who needs more crap?
He is trying to create emotional distance between you. All the special days and need for gifts is the opposite of being able to do that.
Not a good match.

OP here. I think this is right about him trying to create emotional distance. And yes of course it’s not about the actual gift. Giving birthday and Christmas gifts is just something people who love each other do for each other customarily. And we had done this all before so it’s a shift. This isn’t the only sign that he’s trying to create emotional distance. It’s just the most obvious, concrete one.

What do you mean we had this all before? You’ve been going out 2 years - so one other Christmas and birthday?

By the way gift giving is my lowest priority of all the love languages and I vote for breaking up. I find that people who prioritize gifts so highly have a very different emotional makeup than the other languages. The rest of the love languages amplify everyday activity.

But gift givers say stuff like you didn’t give the gift on the day, you didn’t send it, dinner out is not a physical gift, etc (all stuff in your post, even when you are praising a gift). It’s draining for someone who doesn’t have that as a love language.

This. It's never enough, they always pick at it. Break up and find someone who gives physical gifts to your precise standards. If you can.

OP here. I don’t actually think I am being high maintenance here in terms of gift giving. I think it’s a social norm to give something even if small on birthdays, anniversaries if married, chocolate or flowers on Valentine’s Day, Christmas, Mothers or Father’s Day (for spouses). People can opt out of there’s agreement on that of course. And he has gotten me small, thoughtful things in the past, as have I. And of course it doesn’t have to be something physical. It’s the thought that counts, as they say. My exH just automatically had flowers delivered for V day and Mothers Day, and wrote me a card, and, like I said, he struggled with basic tasks. It’s a common courtesy.

Meh. At the point you are arguing about “common courtesy” to impugn your partner, it’s over. Nothing is universal and if you can’t overlook relatively small failings or have an honest discussion about it, the relationship is not working.

OP here. Ok last post and I’m done and appreciate everyone’s thoughts. I did have an honest discussion with him about it. And he acknowledged my feelings. And said he was going to do something about it and didn’t.

I agree this issue doesn’t need anymore air time! I’ll see myself out.

What did you think he was going to say and do at that moment? He was trying to save everyone’s face while deciding whether your high maintenance ways are worth it to him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Absolutely. He's low effort and he knew that it was important to you. A thoughtful gift doesn't have to be expensive, it has to show that he cares. For example, I love plants and I'd be happy with a $10 plant from trader Joe's and a silly card.

I think it's sooooo bizarre that someone would make a big deal of getting or not getting some POS plant. Look at me, i'm so chill and low maintenance, but I'll have a pouting fit if I don't get my trinket!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. And I don’t mean that snarkily!

It sure sounded snarky . . .

But I’ll answer, I’m 51. I own so many things and could buy whatever I want. But I’ve always felt this way even when I’d have much and wanted more. There is something about waiting for trinkets to show me I am loved that has never sat well with me.

Children are old enough to decide what to do for Mother and Fathers Day. Not sure I’ve ever given Valentines Day much thought, except for post-holiday chocolate sales. We ask each other what we want and how to celebrate birthdays and Christmas — and sometimes we plan our own birthday or buy our own gift. Often we do not give birthday presents. If we acknowledge birthdays, it’s more likely to be a joint or family activity. Dinner is the most common family birthday acknowledgment.

My husband and I have been married a long time. He knows me well, but still not as well as I know myself.

OP here. But isn’t this part the key?

OP he took you out to dinner for your birthday several days after the actual date. That is enough for the vast majority of adults. You need to own that YOU have an unusual attachment to physical gifts. Since your preference is unique you need to make the effort to use your words and discuss it with him instead of complaining here and to your friends. And by discuss I mean you tell him what you feel and what you want - NOT that you accuse him of being avoidant, having poor manners, not caring about you, etc. “Joe, I realize you may not get this from what I said, but I actually really love to get gifts and was kind of sad you didn’t get anything for me this year. Do you think you could pick up something small for my birthday and we could have a redo? I know it’s silly but I really love it. Then next week we can go to that show you want to see.”

[Anonymous]

I think it’s less the lack of the present itself, and more that OP is wondering what the change in behavior is revealing, since it seems like the beginning of a pattern. It’s only been two years - maybe to him these instances of gift-giving were grand gestures at the beginning of the relationship when things were exciting and new, and not a baseline regular thing like OP wants.

I can see how this would be reminiscent to being let down over the long term by XH or ring alarm bells that something might (already!?) be cooling, and also the glib way he quickly lied on the fly that something bigger was coming (and then forgot about it) would be a big red flag for me… and maybe to the BF OP’s attitude echoes some other past baggage w his XW…feeling under-appreciated, or inflexibility on her part, or now feeling like he’s going to dread every commercial holiday and her quiet looks of waiting anticipation etc