No birthday present- break up with him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Folks focusing on the gift thing are missing the point. OP isn’t complaining that the dude didn’t give her a Chanel bag. Even if the gift is small, it denotes time, effort, acknowledgement. Come on, we’ve all had boyfriends who took the time to make or cook something when we were all broke and it was super meaningful.

He’s phoning it in OP. Ask yourself what the long term goal is with this guy (eventual marriage? Cohabitation?), then sit and speak with him frankly. It’s ok if yours goals don’t align. But if they don’t, end it. Being with someone like this is depressing.

I will point out, as someone whose been in your position, that there’s a somewhat harsh truth to post divorce dating where the fairy tale does sort is leave the building, so if this guy is honest, kind, and you enjoy his companionship, ask yourself if that’s enough. I’m not saying “settle” in a bad way, but the truth is that relationships later in life look and feel different than they did when we were younger. Just food for thought. If you think he’s wasting your time, yes let him go. But if he’s a good man and this is just how he does relationships, maybe it’s enough? Just saying…the pickings for women aren’t awesome out there. Best of luck to you, sincerely.

All of the love languages are about time, effort, and acknowledgement. Some are even are about connection. We get it! What you don’t get is that gift givers want particular type of these things. Dinner is not good enough. Cooking a meal is an act of service, not a gift. OP wants a physical item. If he were distancing himself (and she cared) or he weren’t otherwise thoughtful, pretty odd to write a post about not getting a gift.

This is really the best part of this this thread. I'm another who does not care about gifts or birthday acknowledgement. I really can't get into the mindset of people who think that is important (and objectively, I think it's lame). But as an intelligent person, if that was important to them, and they let me know, I would intellectually never, ever forget, and if I loved them I would buy gifts. And they would be decent gifts too, because I would take notes and I'm aware and observant enough to get hints and know likes and dislikes!

You must already be a gift buying person. That’s just not how some of us think. If I see something a friend or my husband likes, I buy it and give it to them. I don’t hold on for months to match the calendar. (I’m a different poster than the one who said something similar).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. And I don’t mean that snarkily!

It sure sounded snarky . . .

But I’ll answer, I’m 51. I own so many things and could buy whatever I want. But I’ve always felt this way even when I’d have much and wanted more. There is something about waiting for trinkets to show me I am loved that has never sat well with me.

Children are old enough to decide what to do for Mother and Fathers Day. Not sure I’ve ever given Valentines Day much thought, except for post-holiday chocolate sales. We ask each other what we want and how to celebrate birthdays and Christmas — and sometimes we plan our own birthday or buy our own gift. Often we do not give birthday presents. If we acknowledge birthdays, it’s more likely to be a joint or family activity. Dinner is the most common family birthday acknowledgment.

My husband and I have been married a long time. He knows me well, but still not as well as I know myself.

OP here. But isn’t this part the key?

OP he took you out to dinner for your birthday several days after the actual date. That is enough for the vast majority of adults. You need to own that YOU have an unusual attachment to physical gifts. Since your preference is unique you need to make the effort to use your words and discuss it with him instead of complaining here and to your friends. And by discuss I mean you tell him what you feel and what you want - NOT that you accuse him of being avoidant, having poor manners, not caring about you, etc. “Joe, I realize you may not get this from what I said, but I actually really love to get gifts and was kind of sad you didn’t get anything for me this year. Do you think you could pick up something small for my birthday and we could have a redo? I know it’s silly but I really love it. Then next week we can go to that show you want to see.”

OP here. I literally did exactly this. Calmly and kindly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. And I don’t mean that snarkily!

It sure sounded snarky . . .

But I’ll answer, I’m 51. I own so many things and could buy whatever I want. But I’ve always felt this way even when I’d have much and wanted more. There is something about waiting for trinkets to show me I am loved that has never sat well with me.

Children are old enough to decide what to do for Mother and Fathers Day. Not sure I’ve ever given Valentines Day much thought, except for post-holiday chocolate sales. We ask each other what we want and how to celebrate birthdays and Christmas — and sometimes we plan our own birthday or buy our own gift. Often we do not give birthday presents. If we acknowledge birthdays, it’s more likely to be a joint or family activity. Dinner is the most common family birthday acknowledgment.

My husband and I have been married a long time. He knows me well, but still not as well as I know myself.

OP here. But isn’t this part the key?

OP he took you out to dinner for your birthday several days after the actual date. That is enough for the vast majority of adults. You need to own that YOU have an unusual attachment to physical gifts. Since your preference is unique you need to make the effort to use your words and discuss it with him instead of complaining here and to your friends. And by discuss I mean you tell him what you feel and what you want - NOT that you accuse him of being avoidant, having poor manners, not caring about you, etc. “Joe, I realize you may not get this from what I said, but I actually really love to get gifts and was kind of sad you didn’t get anything for me this year. Do you think you could pick up something small for my birthday and we could have a redo? I know it’s silly but I really love it. Then next week we can go to that show you want to see.”

OP here. I literally did exactly this. Calmly and kindly.

No you didn’t. You blamed him, told him you were “hurt” and that it felt “low effort.” Despite the fact that he took you out to dinner several days after your birthday. You made it about his failure and not your own preferences. No wonder he did not give you anything. When someone demands gifts and tells you your efforts are inadequate, it becomes very unpleasant.

[Anonymous]

[quote=Anonymous]I think it’s less the lack of the present itself, and more that OP is wondering what the change in behavior is revealing, since it seems like the beginning of a pattern. It’s only been two years - maybe to him these instances of gift-giving were grand gestures at the beginning of the relationship when things were exciting and new, and not a baseline regular thing like OP wants.

I can see how this would be reminiscent to being let down over the long term by XH or ring alarm bells that something might (already!?) be cooling, and also the glib way he quickly lied on the fly that something bigger was coming (and then forgot about it) would be a big red flag for me… and maybe to the BF OP’s attitude echoes some other past baggage w his XW…feeling under-appreciated, or inflexibility on her part, or now feeling like he’s going to dread every commercial holiday and her quiet looks of waiting anticipation etc[/quote]

Perhaps if she was wondering that, she should have written that down rather than telling us all about the Valentine’s Day gift.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to ask yourself why you value gift-giving. And if you’re going to let that come between you and an otherwise good relationship.

If it’s a deal breaker for you, break it off. If not, find a way to make peace with it.

She doesn't need to ask herself why she holds her values - she holds those values; he doesn't.

OP - you're in your 40s. He's not going to change. The only question you need to ask is can you put up with this forever? My husband is like this - and I am too to some extent - so I'm fine with this behavior. My best friend, on the other hand, would never stand for this. Gifts are her love language.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. And I don’t mean that snarkily!

It sure sounded snarky . . .

But I’ll answer, I’m 51. I own so many things and could buy whatever I want. But I’ve always felt this way even when I’d have much and wanted more. There is something about waiting for trinkets to show me I am loved that has never sat well with me.

Children are old enough to decide what to do for Mother and Fathers Day. Not sure I’ve ever given Valentines Day much thought, except for post-holiday chocolate sales. We ask each other what we want and how to celebrate birthdays and Christmas — and sometimes we plan our own birthday or buy our own gift. Often we do not give birthday presents. If we acknowledge birthdays, it’s more likely to be a joint or family activity. Dinner is the most common family birthday acknowledgment.

My husband and I have been married a long time. He knows me well, but still not as well as I know myself.

OP here. But isn’t this part the key?

OP he took you out to dinner for your birthday several days after the actual date. That is enough for the vast majority of adults. You need to own that YOU have an unusual attachment to physical gifts. Since your preference is unique you need to make the effort to use your words and discuss it with him instead of complaining here and to your friends. And by discuss I mean you tell him what you feel and what you want - NOT that you accuse him of being avoidant, having poor manners, not caring about you, etc. “Joe, I realize you may not get this from what I said, but I actually really love to get gifts and was kind of sad you didn’t get anything for me this year. Do you think you could pick up something small for my birthday and we could have a redo? I know it’s silly but I really love it. Then next week we can go to that show you want to see.”

OP here. I literally did exactly this. Calmly and kindly.

Eh, even if you did, I still say break up. High maintenance gift demanders should stay among themselves and not torture the rest of us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So he did give you thoughtful gifts for Valentines Day but because he gave them to you in person and that wasn’t on Feb 14, they don’t count. And he took you out for dinner for your birthday but since he didn’t also give you another gift, it doesn’t count. The reality is that no matter what he does, it won’t be enough. You are high maintenance and materialistic. I get you feel that the social norm is that a man’s role is to give you lots of money and gifts and buy you expensive things that you can show off to your friends, but you should be dating him for him, not for what he can buy you. I would break up. There are sugar daddy websites you can go on and find an older man who will lavish gifts on you in return for you giving him what he needs and wants.

Exactly this. OP's mouth is writing checks her a55 can't cash. You're not worth it, OP. The sooner you come to terms with this, the better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to ask yourself why you value gift-giving. And if you’re going to let that come between you and an otherwise good relationship.

If it’s a deal breaker for you, break it off. If not, find a way to make peace with it.

She doesn't need to ask herself why she holds her values - she holds those values; he doesn't.

OP - you're in your 40s. He's not going to change. The only question you need to ask is can you put up with this forever? My husband is like this - and I am too to some extent - so I'm fine with this behavior. My best friend, on the other hand, would never stand for this. Gifts are her love language.

Of course she should ask herself why she values something, even if it wasn’t something so base as material gifts. Her ex did it was not a great spouse. This BF doesn’t do and she seems to think he’s great.

[Anonymous]

This is like a man saying my love language is sexy clothing and lingerie. I want her to show me she cares by putting thought into what I would want to see her in and wearing what I want her to wear and when I want her to wear it. If she doesn’t do that, then she clearly doesn’t care about me or love me and it’s disappointing because a good girlfriend would want to please her man and do what is important to him in a thoughtful way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is like a man saying my love language is sexy clothing and lingerie. I want her to show me she cares by putting thought into what I would want to see her in and wearing what I want her to wear and when I want her to wear it. If she doesn’t do that, then she clearly doesn’t care about me or love me and it’s disappointing because a good girlfriend would want to please her man and do what is important to him in a thoughtful way.

For some men having s sexy woman who takes care of herself is a non-negotiable. They would never date a fat slob who never wears make up. OP is a materialistic person who expects gifts - why should she compromise and accept a someone who doesn't share her values? I don't share her values, but I still thing she should get what she needs from a relationship with no judgment. I get what I need from mine and find it fulfilling. Everyone should have that

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is like a man saying my love language is sexy clothing and lingerie. I want her to show me she cares by putting thought into what I would want to see her in and wearing what I want her to wear and when I want her to wear it. If she doesn’t do that, then she clearly doesn’t care about me or love me and it’s disappointing because a good girlfriend would want to please her man and do what is important to him in a thoughtful way.

For some men having s sexy woman who takes care of herself is a non-negotiable. They would never date a fat slob who never wears make up. OP is a materialistic person who expects gifts - why should she compromise and accept a someone who doesn't share her values? I don't share her values, but I still thing she should get what she needs from a relationship with no judgment. I get what I need from mine and find it fulfilling. Everyone should have that

Disagree. Gifts giving has been a love language and way to express affection since beginning of civilization. He was doing it before and now stopped. He could have gotten flowers at $20 at Safeway to show his affection.
It’s not materialistic for OP to feel that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is like a man saying my love language is sexy clothing and lingerie. I want her to show me she cares by putting thought into what I would want to see her in and wearing what I want her to wear and when I want her to wear it. If she doesn’t do that, then she clearly doesn’t care about me or love me and it’s disappointing because a good girlfriend would want to please her man and do what is important to him in a thoughtful way.

For some men having s sexy woman who takes care of herself is a non-negotiable. They would never date a fat slob who never wears make up. OP is a materialistic person who expects gifts - why should she compromise and accept a someone who doesn't share her values? I don't share her values, but I still thing she should get what she needs from a relationship with no judgment. I get what I need from mine and find it fulfilling. Everyone should have that

Disagree. Gifts giving has been a love language and way to express affection since beginning of civilization. He was doing it before and now stopped. He could have gotten flowers at $20 at Safeway to show his affection.
It’s not materialistic for OP to feel that way.

If the way you want someone to express affection is primarily through trinkets, then yes, you are materialistic. I’d argue acts of service is the way affection has been expressed since the dawn or civilization.

I agree with the poster who say she should look for that, though. But I’ll judge because shes a 40-something who already material expressions of affection in her marriage and same that wasn’t enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is like a man saying my love language is sexy clothing and lingerie. I want her to show me she cares by putting thought into what I would want to see her in and wearing what I want her to wear and when I want her to wear it. If she doesn’t do that, then she clearly doesn’t care about me or love me and it’s disappointing because a good girlfriend would want to please her man and do what is important to him in a thoughtful way.

For some men having s sexy woman who takes care of herself is a non-negotiable. They would never date a fat slob who never wears make up. OP is a materialistic person who expects gifts - why should she compromise and accept a someone who doesn't share her values? I don't share her values, but I still thing she should get what she needs from a relationship with no judgment. I get what I need from mine and find it fulfilling. Everyone should have that

Disagree. Gifts giving has been a love language and way to express affection since beginning of civilization. He was doing it before and now stopped. He could have gotten flowers at $20 at Safeway to show his affection.
It’s not materialistic for OP to feel that way.

If the way you want someone to express affection is primarily through trinkets, then yes, you are materialistic. I’d argue acts of service is the way affection has been expressed since the dawn or civilization.

I agree with the poster who say she should look for that, though. But I’ll judge because shes a 40-something who already material expressions of affection in her marriage and same that wasn’t enough.

Do you consider paying for dinner an act of service? It's about as low effort as you can get. It is not unreasonable to expect a modicum of thoughtfulness and romance from your partner. It he put effort into planning a romantic dinner, that would be great, but it doesn't sound like there was any effort at all. I don't think OP was asking for an expensive gift, just something that demonstrated care and attentiveness to her.

[Anonymous]

Hope he finds a grown up

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is like a man saying my love language is sexy clothing and lingerie. I want her to show me she cares by putting thought into what I would want to see her in and wearing what I want her to wear and when I want her to wear it. If she doesn’t do that, then she clearly doesn’t care about me or love me and it’s disappointing because a good girlfriend would want to please her man and do what is important to him in a thoughtful way.

For some men having s sexy woman who takes care of herself is a non-negotiable. They would never date a fat slob who never wears make up. OP is a materialistic person who expects gifts - why should she compromise and accept a someone who doesn't share her values? I don't share her values, but I still thing she should get what she needs from a relationship with no judgment. I get what I need from mine and find it fulfilling. Everyone should have that

Disagree. Gifts giving has been a love language and way to express affection since beginning of civilization. He was doing it before and now stopped. He could have gotten flowers at $20 at Safeway to show his affection.
It’s not materialistic for OP to feel that way.

Gift giving is a made up ‘love language’ to get stuff. Comes from the traditional gender norms of men are a wallet and need to pay out to be with me mentality… if you actually love someone then you don’t care that they brought you Valentine’s Day gifts in person or that your birthday gift was a dinner out. Do you teach your kids to demand gifts from extended family and from everyone around them and if they don’t get gifts on the exact day, then those people don’t love them? Nonsense. Gifts shouldn’t be demanded or required or else they aren’t gifts.