No birthday present- break up with him?

[Anonymous]

We’ve been together for two years. Both divorced with kids and in our 40s. We live 30 minutes away from each other (in DC area.) Immediate, strong love connection with ups and downs over the past year with lots of work and family competing priorities. He knows I value gift giving and it hasn’t been an issue in the past, except on Valentines Day when he didn’t send me a gift on the actual day but waited till we saw each other a week or so later. But he bought me the cutest valentines gifts just small sweet things.Nothing expensive just little cute things. He took me out for dinner a few days after my birthday in July (I was away on the actual day). No gift. No card. No flowers. I told him later that I was hurt and it felt low effort (didn’t use that term.) He said he had something/ was getting something for me. It’s been another month and nothing. We are both busy with life but I am getting increasingly hurt by this and wondering why I would settle for this level of effort when I have a busy full life. We have been working hard on communication and there’s so much life stuff going on with our kids and jobs, so it’s hard enough already. But honestly the birthday present thing alone is making me want to call it quits. I didn’t go through a tough divorce to then settle. WWYD?

[Anonymous]

You need to ask yourself why you value gift-giving. And if you’re going to let that come between you and an otherwise good relationship.

If it’s a deal breaker for you, break it off. If not, find a way to make peace with it.

[Anonymous]

Maybe he just doesn't know what to get you?

You are an independant woman and therefore you can buy yourself what you want/need.

Your language of love is gift giving, it's not his, he has proven it's not.
Maybe his wife was a pain in the neck with shopping, gifts etc and he's sick of it.

Love is way more than that and if you're thinking of leaving him it means you're not in love.

[Anonymous]

Seems extreme to break up for this alone, but I imagine there are other reasons (the “lows” you mentioned). And maybe it feels like he’s just phoning it in two years out. If that’s the case then yes, it’s worth breaking up over.

[Anonymous]

If you feel like he’s “low effort” now, only two years in, that will not improve.

[Anonymous]

What have you done for his birthday? Does he show effort/love in ways other than physical items?

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't date either or you. Who needs more crap?
He is trying to create emotional distance between you. All the special days and need for gifts is the opposite of being able to do that.
Not a good match.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like a situationship more than a truly loving relationship with open communication.

[Anonymous]

OP: Your values and your sense of worth are messed up. Have you always been this petty or is it a recent develop ?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't date either or you. Who needs more crap?
He is trying to create emotional distance between you. All the special days and need for gifts is the opposite of being able to do that.
Not a good match.

OP here. I think this is right about him trying to create emotional distance. And yes of course it’s not about the actual gift. Giving birthday and Christmas gifts is just something people who love each other do for each other customarily. And we had done this all before so it’s a shift. This isn’t the only sign that he’s trying to create emotional distance. It’s just the most obvious, concrete one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't date either or you. Who needs more crap?
He is trying to create emotional distance between you. All the special days and need for gifts is the opposite of being able to do that.
Not a good match.

OP here. I think this is right about him trying to create emotional distance. And yes of course it’s not about the actual gift. Giving birthday and Christmas gifts is just something people who love each other do for each other customarily. And we had done this all before so it’s a shift. This isn’t the only sign that he’s trying to create emotional distance. It’s just the most obvious, concrete one.

Yeah, look if this was an otherwise good relationship I don't think this would bother you. It's just a symptom of a larger problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP: Your values and your sense of worth are messed up. Have you always been this petty or is it a recent develop ?

OP here. I’m interested in this point. Is it petty? Because when I tell my friends about this they definitely have immediate visceral reaction that a line has been crossed here — and is illustrative of a bigger issue in the relationship. Heck I was married for a long time to someone who had difficulty doing basic tasks and he always got me a birthday present.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't date either or you. Who needs more crap?
He is trying to create emotional distance between you. All the special days and need for gifts is the opposite of being able to do that.
Not a good match.

OP here. I think this is right about him trying to create emotional distance. And yes of course it’s not about the actual gift. Giving birthday and Christmas gifts is just something people who love each other do for each other customarily. And we had done this all before so it’s a shift. This isn’t the only sign that he’s trying to create emotional distance. It’s just the most obvious, concrete one.

What do you mean we had this all before? You’ve been going out 2 years - so one other Christmas and birthday?

By the way gift giving is my lowest priority of all the love languages and I vote for breaking up. I find that people who prioritize gifts so highly have a very different emotional makeup than the other languages. The rest of the love languages amplify everyday activity.

But gift givers say stuff like you didn’t give the gift on the day, you didn’t send it, dinner out is not a physical gift, etc (all stuff in your post, even when you are praising a gift). It’s draining for someone who doesn’t have that as a love language.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't date either or you. Who needs more crap?
He is trying to create emotional distance between you. All the special days and need for gifts is the opposite of being able to do that.
Not a good match.

OP here. I think this is right about him trying to create emotional distance. And yes of course it’s not about the actual gift. Giving birthday and Christmas gifts is just something people who love each other do for each other customarily. And we had done this all before so it’s a shift. This isn’t the only sign that he’s trying to create emotional distance. It’s just the most obvious, concrete one.

What do you mean we had this all before? You’ve been going out 2 years - so one other Christmas and birthday?

By the way gift giving is my lowest priority of all the love languages and I vote for breaking up. I find that people who prioritize gifts so highly have a very different emotional makeup than the other languages. The rest of the love languages amplify everyday activity.

But gift givers say stuff like you didn’t give the gift on the day, you didn’t send it, dinner out is not a physical gift, etc (all stuff in your post, even when you are praising a gift). It’s draining for someone who doesn’t have that as a love language.

This. It's never enough, they always pick at it. Break up and find someone who gives physical gifts to your precise standards. If you can.

[Anonymous]

I understand why you feel the way that you do - - it can feel hurtful feeling like your S/O does not prioritize special days for you, especially when others take the time to do so.

You stated that there are a lot of things going on right now w/work ➕ family commitments……could these issues play a factor?
Also were you raised in a family where birthdays, maybe even holidays were prioritized & celebrated regularly?
Perhaps your boyfriend was not so as an adult he may not think they are a big deal.

Finally he is after all a m-a-n‼️
And many of them do not view birthdays or holidays in the same manner that women do.
Such is life!
Lol.

But if this issue truly bothers you + is a dealbreaker for you then it is okay to break up w/him.
I wouldn’t be too happy if someone promised me they would get me a gift then simply forgot about it.
Unless they had a good reason.

Good luck in whatever you decide to do OP.