No birthday present- break up with him?

[Anonymous]

Folks focusing on the gift thing are missing the point. OP isn’t complaining that the dude didn’t give her a Chanel bag. Even if the gift is small, it denotes time, effort, acknowledgement. Come on, we’ve all had boyfriends who took the time to make or cook something when we were all broke and it was super meaningful.

He’s phoning it in OP. Ask yourself what the long term goal is with this guy (eventual marriage? Cohabitation?), then sit and speak with him frankly. It’s ok if yours goals don’t align. But if they don’t, end it. Being with someone like this is depressing.

I will point out, as someone whose been in your position, that there’s a somewhat harsh truth to post divorce dating where the fairy tale does sort is leave the building, so if this guy is honest, kind, and you enjoy his companionship, ask yourself if that’s enough. I’m not saying “settle” in a bad way, but the truth is that relationships later in life look and feel different than they did when we were younger. Just food for thought. If you think he’s wasting your time, yes let him go. But if he’s a good man and this is just how he does relationships, maybe it’s enough? Just saying…the pickings for women aren’t awesome out there. Best of luck to you, sincerely.

[Anonymous]

You told him how you feel, he ignored it. That’s rude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Folks focusing on the gift thing are missing the point. OP isn’t complaining that the dude didn’t give her a Chanel bag. Even if the gift is small, it denotes time, effort, acknowledgement. Come on, we’ve all had boyfriends who took the time to make or cook something when we were all broke and it was super meaningful.

He’s phoning it in OP. Ask yourself what the long term goal is with this guy (eventual marriage? Cohabitation?), then sit and speak with him frankly. It’s ok if yours goals don’t align. But if they don’t, end it. Being with someone like this is depressing.

I will point out, as someone whose been in your position, that there’s a somewhat harsh truth to post divorce dating where the fairy tale does sort is leave the building, so if this guy is honest, kind, and you enjoy his companionship, ask yourself if that’s enough. I’m not saying “settle” in a bad way, but the truth is that relationships later in life look and feel different than they did when we were younger. Just food for thought. If you think he’s wasting your time, yes let him go. But if he’s a good man and this is just how he does relationships, maybe it’s enough? Just saying…the pickings for women aren’t awesome out there. Best of luck to you, sincerely.

All of the love languages are about time, effort, and acknowledgement. Some are even are about connection. We get it! What you don’t get is that gift givers want particular type of these things. Dinner is not good enough. Cooking a meal is an act of service, not a gift. OP wants a physical item. If he were distancing himself (and she cared) or he weren’t otherwise thoughtful, pretty odd to write a post about not getting a gift.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't date either or you. Who needs more crap?
He is trying to create emotional distance between you. All the special days and need for gifts is the opposite of being able to do that.
Not a good match.

OP here. I think this is right about him trying to create emotional distance. And yes of course it’s not about the actual gift. Giving birthday and Christmas gifts is just something people who love each other do for each other customarily. And we had done this all before so it’s a shift. This isn’t the only sign that he’s trying to create emotional distance. It’s just the most obvious, concrete one.

What do you mean we had this all before? You’ve been going out 2 years - so one other Christmas and birthday?

By the way gift giving is my lowest priority of all the love languages and I vote for breaking up. I find that people who prioritize gifts so highly have a very different emotional makeup than the other languages. The rest of the love languages amplify everyday activity.

But gift givers say stuff like you didn’t give the gift on the day, you didn’t send it, dinner out is not a physical gift, etc (all stuff in your post, even when you are praising a gift). It’s draining for someone who doesn’t have that as a love language.

This. It's never enough, they always pick at it. Break up and find someone who gives physical gifts to your precise standards. If you can.

OP here. I don’t actually think I am being high maintenance here in terms of gift giving. I think it’s a social norm to give something even if small on birthdays, anniversaries if married, chocolate or flowers on Valentine’s Day, Christmas, Mothers or Father’s Day (for spouses). People can opt out of there’s agreement on that of course. And he has gotten me small, thoughtful things in the past, as have I. And of course it doesn’t have to be something physical. It’s the thought that counts, as they say. My exH just automatically had flowers delivered for V day and Mothers Day, and wrote me a card, and, like I said, he struggled with basic tasks. It’s a common courtesy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You told him how you feel, he ignored it. That’s rude.

OP here. Yes, it’s compounding the slight. I think what I am realizing is that this is part of his avoidant tendencies that are popping up in other ways. It’s just much more concrete than the other things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't date either or you. Who needs more crap?
He is trying to create emotional distance between you. All the special days and need for gifts is the opposite of being able to do that.
Not a good match.

OP here. I think this is right about him trying to create emotional distance. And yes of course it’s not about the actual gift. Giving birthday and Christmas gifts is just something people who love each other do for each other customarily. And we had done this all before so it’s a shift. This isn’t the only sign that he’s trying to create emotional distance. It’s just the most obvious, concrete one.

What do you mean we had this all before? You’ve been going out 2 years - so one other Christmas and birthday?

By the way gift giving is my lowest priority of all the love languages and I vote for breaking up. I find that people who prioritize gifts so highly have a very different emotional makeup than the other languages. The rest of the love languages amplify everyday activity.

But gift givers say stuff like you didn’t give the gift on the day, you didn’t send it, dinner out is not a physical gift, etc (all stuff in your post, even when you are praising a gift). It’s draining for someone who doesn’t have that as a love language.

This. It's never enough, they always pick at it. Break up and find someone who gives physical gifts to your precise standards. If you can.

OP here. I don’t actually think I am being high maintenance here in terms of gift giving. I think it’s a social norm to give something even if small on birthdays, anniversaries if married, chocolate or flowers on Valentine’s Day, Christmas, Mothers or Father’s Day (for spouses). People can opt out of there’s agreement on that of course. And he has gotten me small, thoughtful things in the past, as have I. And of course it doesn’t have to be something physical. It’s the thought that counts, as they say. My exH just automatically had flowers delivered for V day and Mothers Day, and wrote me a card, and, like I said, he struggled with basic tasks. It’s a common courtesy.

You must be new here if you think it’s “social norm” to give people physical things on all those days.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't date either or you. Who needs more crap?
He is trying to create emotional distance between you. All the special days and need for gifts is the opposite of being able to do that.
Not a good match.

OP here. I think this is right about him trying to create emotional distance. And yes of course it’s not about the actual gift. Giving birthday and Christmas gifts is just something people who love each other do for each other customarily. And we had done this all before so it’s a shift. This isn’t the only sign that he’s trying to create emotional distance. It’s just the most obvious, concrete one.

What do you mean we had this all before? You’ve been going out 2 years - so one other Christmas and birthday?

By the way gift giving is my lowest priority of all the love languages and I vote for breaking up. I find that people who prioritize gifts so highly have a very different emotional makeup than the other languages. The rest of the love languages amplify everyday activity.

But gift givers say stuff like you didn’t give the gift on the day, you didn’t send it, dinner out is not a physical gift, etc (all stuff in your post, even when you are praising a gift). It’s draining for someone who doesn’t have that as a love language.

This. It's never enough, they always pick at it. Break up and find someone who gives physical gifts to your precise standards. If you can.

OP here. I don’t actually think I am being high maintenance here in terms of gift giving. I think it’s a social norm to give something even if small on birthdays, anniversaries if married, chocolate or flowers on Valentine’s Day, Christmas, Mothers or Father’s Day (for spouses). People can opt out of there’s agreement on that of course. And he has gotten me small, thoughtful things in the past, as have I. And of course it doesn’t have to be something physical. It’s the thought that counts, as they say. My exH just automatically had flowers delivered for V day and Mothers Day, and wrote me a card, and, like I said, he struggled with basic tasks. It’s a common courtesy.

I do think you are. If he paid for dinner that's the gift. A lot of people would be fine with that. And that's why it's not a social norm for adults IMO. It's just that some people make a big deal of their birthdays and others don't. I don't care about my birthday and I don't care about gifts and would sooner just skip the whole gift thing.

Now, of course you don't want an unmotivated or disorganized man. But that's not really about the birthday gift, is it?

If you hassle him about dinner not being enough, he may decide you're not worth dealing with. If you're going to be like this every potential gift receiving holiday, forget it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't date either or you. Who needs more crap?
He is trying to create emotional distance between you. All the special days and need for gifts is the opposite of being able to do that.
Not a good match.

OP here. I think this is right about him trying to create emotional distance. And yes of course it’s not about the actual gift. Giving birthday and Christmas gifts is just something people who love each other do for each other customarily. And we had done this all before so it’s a shift. This isn’t the only sign that he’s trying to create emotional distance. It’s just the most obvious, concrete one.

What do you mean we had this all before? You’ve been going out 2 years - so one other Christmas and birthday?

By the way gift giving is my lowest priority of all the love languages and I vote for breaking up. I find that people who prioritize gifts so highly have a very different emotional makeup than the other languages. The rest of the love languages amplify everyday activity.

But gift givers say stuff like you didn’t give the gift on the day, you didn’t send it, dinner out is not a physical gift, etc (all stuff in your post, even when you are praising a gift). It’s draining for someone who doesn’t have that as a love language.

This. It's never enough, they always pick at it. Break up and find someone who gives physical gifts to your precise standards. If you can.

OP here. I don’t actually think I am being high maintenance here in terms of gift giving. I think it’s a social norm to give something even if small on birthdays, anniversaries if married, chocolate or flowers on Valentine’s Day, Christmas, Mothers or Father’s Day (for spouses). People can opt out of there’s agreement on that of course. And he has gotten me small, thoughtful things in the past, as have I. And of course it doesn’t have to be something physical. It’s the thought that counts, as they say. My exH just automatically had flowers delivered for V day and Mothers Day, and wrote me a card, and, like I said, he struggled with basic tasks. It’s a common courtesy.

You must be new here if you think it’s “social norm” to give people physical things on all those days.

OP here. I am neither new to Earth nor DC, sadly. What do you think the norm is and how old are you? That last part might be key. And also whether you were taught to write written thank you letters 😂

[Anonymous]

OP here. And I don’t mean that snarkily!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't date either or you. Who needs more crap?
He is trying to create emotional distance between you. All the special days and need for gifts is the opposite of being able to do that.
Not a good match.

OP here. I think this is right about him trying to create emotional distance. And yes of course it’s not about the actual gift. Giving birthday and Christmas gifts is just something people who love each other do for each other customarily. And we had done this all before so it’s a shift. This isn’t the only sign that he’s trying to create emotional distance. It’s just the most obvious, concrete one.

What do you mean we had this all before? You’ve been going out 2 years - so one other Christmas and birthday?

By the way gift giving is my lowest priority of all the love languages and I vote for breaking up. I find that people who prioritize gifts so highly have a very different emotional makeup than the other languages. The rest of the love languages amplify everyday activity.

But gift givers say stuff like you didn’t give the gift on the day, you didn’t send it, dinner out is not a physical gift, etc (all stuff in your post, even when you are praising a gift). It’s draining for someone who doesn’t have that as a love language.

This. It's never enough, they always pick at it. Break up and find someone who gives physical gifts to your precise standards. If you can.

OP here. I don’t actually think I am being high maintenance here in terms of gift giving. I think it’s a social norm to give something even if small on birthdays, anniversaries if married, chocolate or flowers on Valentine’s Day, Christmas, Mothers or Father’s Day (for spouses). People can opt out of there’s agreement on that of course. And he has gotten me small, thoughtful things in the past, as have I. And of course it doesn’t have to be something physical. It’s the thought that counts, as they say. My exH just automatically had flowers delivered for V day and Mothers Day, and wrote me a card, and, like I said, he struggled with basic tasks. It’s a common courtesy.

You must be new here if you think it’s “social norm” to give people physical things on all those days.

OP here. I am neither new to Earth nor DC, sadly. What do you think the norm is and how old are you? That last part might be key. And also whether you were taught to write written thank you letters 😂

Of course I was taught to write thank-you notes, and I require my children to write them as well. But that doesn't mean I'm needy for gifts for myself as an adult, nor that I'm fussy about them being physical or thoughtful enough. Do I love a thoughtful gift, yes. But I don't get emotional if I don't receive one every single year, because it's not that important and I'm an adult.

[Anonymous]

Absolutely. He's low effort and he knew that it was important to you. A thoughtful gift doesn't have to be expensive, it has to show that he cares. For example, I love plants and I'd be happy with a $10 plant from trader Joe's and a silly card.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. And I don’t mean that snarkily!

It sure sounded snarky . . .

But I’ll answer, I’m 51. I own so many things and could buy whatever I want. But I’ve always felt this way even when I’d have much and wanted more. There is something about waiting for trinkets to show me I am loved that has never sat well with me.

Children are old enough to decide what to do for Mother and Fathers Day. Not sure I’ve ever given Valentines Day much thought, except for post-holiday chocolate sales. We ask each other what we want and how to celebrate birthdays and Christmas — and sometimes we plan our own birthday or buy our own gift. Often we do not give birthday presents. If we acknowledge birthdays, it’s more likely to be a joint or family activity. Dinner is the most common family birthday acknowledgment.

My husband and I have been married a long time. He knows me well, but still not as well as I know myself.

[Anonymous]

I'll cop to being someone who is bad at buying presents on demand. I don't like stuff for stuff's sake myself. But I'll always jump on something I think someone would enjoy, like concert tickets or a particular book or shirt I think really fits them. I always get my Dad tickets to this event in September, for instance, which is nowhere near a traditional gift holiday or his birthday. I don't save stuff for months for a holiday or birthday. I'm the mom FWIW and I do strategically plan kids' birthdays more. I come from a big family and we are more restrained in gift giving.

I always make cakes and special dinners for birthdays as well.

So it's sort of a whole picture thing. If someone is thoughtful outside of specific on demand moments, would the specific holidays matter as much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Folks focusing on the gift thing are missing the point. OP isn’t complaining that the dude didn’t give her a Chanel bag. Even if the gift is small, it denotes time, effort, acknowledgement. Come on, we’ve all had boyfriends who took the time to make or cook something when we were all broke and it was super meaningful.

He’s phoning it in OP. Ask yourself what the long term goal is with this guy (eventual marriage? Cohabitation?), then sit and speak with him frankly. It’s ok if yours goals don’t align. But if they don’t, end it. Being with someone like this is depressing.

I will point out, as someone whose been in your position, that there’s a somewhat harsh truth to post divorce dating where the fairy tale does sort is leave the building, so if this guy is honest, kind, and you enjoy his companionship, ask yourself if that’s enough. I’m not saying “settle” in a bad way, but the truth is that relationships later in life look and feel different than they did when we were younger. Just food for thought. If you think he’s wasting your time, yes let him go. But if he’s a good man and this is just how he does relationships, maybe it’s enough? Just saying…the pickings for women aren’t awesome out there. Best of luck to you, sincerely.

OP here.Thank you! I am mindful of this slim pickings piece. I met him immediately after starting to date so I think my concept of what’s out there on the dating scene is warped. But also I’d rather be alone than be in a relationship in which my feelings are not highly valued. And am wondering if this is a shark fin. (Along with some other avoidant behaviors.)

My goal is companionship and love but not marriage or cohabitation (at least as long as our kids are home).

Thank you for your kind, thoughtful words.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't date either or you. Who needs more crap?
He is trying to create emotional distance between you. All the special days and need for gifts is the opposite of being able to do that.
Not a good match.

OP here. I think this is right about him trying to create emotional distance. And yes of course it’s not about the actual gift. Giving birthday and Christmas gifts is just something people who love each other do for each other customarily. And we had done this all before so it’s a shift. This isn’t the only sign that he’s trying to create emotional distance. It’s just the most obvious, concrete one.

What do you mean we had this all before? You’ve been going out 2 years - so one other Christmas and birthday?

By the way gift giving is my lowest priority of all the love languages and I vote for breaking up. I find that people who prioritize gifts so highly have a very different emotional makeup than the other languages. The rest of the love languages amplify everyday activity.

But gift givers say stuff like you didn’t give the gift on the day, you didn’t send it, dinner out is not a physical gift, etc (all stuff in your post, even when you are praising a gift). It’s draining for someone who doesn’t have that as a love language.

This. It's never enough, they always pick at it. Break up and find someone who gives physical gifts to your precise standards. If you can.

OP here. I don’t actually think I am being high maintenance here in terms of gift giving. I think it’s a social norm to give something even if small on birthdays, anniversaries if married, chocolate or flowers on Valentine’s Day, Christmas, Mothers or Father’s Day (for spouses). People can opt out of there’s agreement on that of course. And he has gotten me small, thoughtful things in the past, as have I. And of course it doesn’t have to be something physical. It’s the thought that counts, as they say. My exH just automatically had flowers delivered for V day and Mothers Day, and wrote me a card, and, like I said, he struggled with basic tasks. It’s a common courtesy.

You must be new here if you think it’s “social norm” to give people physical things on all those days.

OP here. I am neither new to Earth nor DC, sadly. What do you think the norm is and how old are you? That last part might be key. And also whether you were taught to write written thank you letters 😂

Comparing it to thank you notes means it’s a perfunctory obligation, not one done with care and thought which is what you claim you want. It’s hard to come up with a thoughtful present multiple times a year for a person who wants gifts. You recognize that autopilot flowers say little about the quality of your relationship. My guess is you grew up believing giving gifts = valuing you. Not sure why you are unable to see that’s not true given your statements on your marriage.