Advice - Fitting in With Other Black Kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a really weird post. You surround your child within the white community her entire life and then she wants to become fiends with those that are black solely on the basis that she is black too? She needs friends that share the same interest as her not friends only because they have the same skin color.

Not OP here - I'd argue differently. Of course she needs friends that share her same interest and I'd add, friends who care and support her as friends should do. But teenage years are a time of greater self awareness and self reflection and defining one's identity. Perhaps she loves her friends but also feels there is more of her identity that she would like to explore. Or, maybe she is reflecting that her friend group is not diverse and she values more diversity and is walking her walk to do something about it.

1st pp again. I can see both points as I was in the OP'S daughter’s shoes as a kid. This is a tough situation to be in and unfortunately quite relatable for many minority kids and their families.

[Anonymous]

Another way to think about diversity is about diversity of interests and social acumen. Maybe it doesn’t just have to mean the color of your skin.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you were to visit most schools in this area you will find black American students and Black African and Black Caribbean students mingling interchangeably.

I assume that the issue might be your daughter’s proximity to whiteness and not her Africanness.

I'm the pp of the first response. This could be an issue as well. The other girls may feel like she may not be " black enough" to fit in with them or may want to be white based upon her current friends.

It's this. Nothing to do with her Africanness, it's because they think she prefers the company of white people. If she had a mixed friend group (which a lot of AA's have), it would be different, but it sounds she exclusively hangs out with white kids, because that's where she's most comfortable for whatever reason. The AA kids aren't going to go out of their way to include someone who they perceive as having no interest in them.

She's tried to make small talk and was responded to so rudely. Do they want her to shirk her established friend group to be included? Ridiculous.

Remember these are teens girls that we are referring to. They are rude and snarky unfortunately.

Right? This adds to the complexity. Teens are not the most mature of social beings.

Granted teens can be obnoxious, but there are kind teens out there who know how to be welcoming and don't make assumption about people because of their friends. That would make me question whether those are even friends worth having.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are likely several factors at play here. A lot could depend on when your DD joined the school vs the Black students, where you all live vs where they live, extracurriculars, etc.

As a Black woman, I can tell you the Black students may incorrectly assume that your daughter is not interested in being friends with them based on her current friend group.

Hopefully she can develop friendships with them organically, but I definitely wouldn't push it. If there are extracurriculars that several of the Black students are involved in that your DD may enjoy it could be helpful to enroll her in those same activities so she can spend time with them away from her friend group.

Black woman here too. This was my thought. I was just out with white friends this past weekend for an alumni meetup and, when you’re with white people, Black groups will feel you out, thinking “does she think she’s too good for her own kind?” type of thing. I always go out of my way to say hi or even strike up a conversation with other Black women no matter who I’m with.

Typing this feels so dumb but it’s the way things are because there ARE “I don’t hang out with Black people/I’m too good for other Black people” individuals in our own community who think they can sidestep, racism, biases, and stereotyping by clutching to proximity to whiteness.

So, I’d recommend that your DD always speak when she sees them and hopefully they come around.

💯 Too many of these especially in private schools. Off the top of my head I can think of two Black women at a mostly white private who clung to friendships with racists in the face of an ugly incident involving racial slurs. The incident was dismissed by the racists as just a little ole fashioned name calling. Thankfully the school disagreed.

[Anonymous]

I hate having these types of discussions in front of mixed company because things are thrown out there without the proper nuance to explain the complexity of situations like this.

I find it weird that everyone has automatically assumed that this is a group of xenophobic mean girls. There could be a lot more to this situation that isn’t being mentioned here or even to the parent.

In terms of advice. I’d strongly recommend you help your daughter find black community even if it exists outside of her school. I’ve seen the consequences of children not being able to find that community later in life and it can sometimes be really hard for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hate having these types of discussions in front of mixed company because things are thrown out there without the proper nuance to explain the complexity of situations like this.

I find it weird that everyone has automatically assumed that this is a group of xenophobic mean girls. There could be a lot more to this situation that isn’t being mentioned here or even to the parent.

In terms of advice. I’d strongly recommend you help your daughter find black community even if it exists outside of her school. I’ve seen the consequences of children not being able to find that community later in life and it can sometimes be really hard for them.

This part

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hate having these types of discussions in front of mixed company because things are thrown out there without the proper nuance to explain the complexity of situations like this.

I find it weird that everyone has automatically assumed that this is a group of xenophobic mean girls. There could be a lot more to this situation that isn’t being mentioned here or even to the parent.

In terms of advice. I’d strongly recommend you help your daughter find black community even if it exists outside of her school. I’ve seen the consequences of children not being able to find that community later in life and it can sometimes be really hard for them.

This part

But let's be real, no one really wants to be frank in these conversations and, amongst other issues, admit how exclusionary our community can really be.

[Anonymous]

It's more of a class thing than race thing. Lower class people shun upper class people when they assume they won't be accepted into the upper clas society.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hate having these types of discussions in front of mixed company because things are thrown out there without the proper nuance to explain the complexity of situations like this.

I find it weird that everyone has automatically assumed that this is a group of xenophobic mean girls. There could be a lot more to this situation that isn’t being mentioned here or even to the parent.

In terms of advice. I’d strongly recommend you help your daughter find black community even if it exists outside of her school. I’ve seen the consequences of children not being able to find that community later in life and it can sometimes be really hard for them.

This part

But let's be real, no one really wants to be frank in these conversations and, amongst other issues, admit how exclusionary our community can really be.

Honestly every community can be very exclusionary and in the grand scheme of things I’d rate the black community pretty low in terms of how exclusionary it can be.

[Anonymous]

The reality is that there is an undercurrent of animosity between some Africans who have immigrated to America, and have become naturalized citizens, in the past forty years and some Americans of African descent, many of whose families have been in America for centuries. It's a complicated knot to untie because many of its stands are systemic (e.g., legacies of internalized colonialism about race, recent African arrivals being unfamiliar with the history of racialized enslavement in the US and then, more broadly, of US history regarding race (e.g., Jim Crow, sharecropping, etc.).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's more of a class thing than race thing. Lower class people shun upper class people when they assume they won't be accepted into the upper clas society.

Socioeconomics also has to be taken into account. UMC and MC don't always mingle.

[Anonymous]

This just shows that Black with a capital B does not exist. The great, wonderful, multitude of African cultures and African American culture are different from each other. No special bond or commonality. Doesn't mean we all can't be friends, but when claiming we are the same, the claimers claim the good, but not the bad parts of the culture

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are likely several factors at play here. A lot could depend on when your DD joined the school vs the Black students, where you all live vs where they live, extracurriculars, etc.

As a Black woman, I can tell you the Black students may incorrectly assume that your daughter is not interested in being friends with them based on her current friend group.

Hopefully she can develop friendships with them organically, but I definitely wouldn't push it. If there are extracurriculars that several of the Black students are involved in that your DD may enjoy it could be helpful to enroll her in those same activities so she can spend time with them away from her friend group.

Black woman here too. This was my thought. I was just out with white friends this past weekend for an alumni meetup and, when you’re with white people, Black groups will feel you out, thinking “does she think she’s too good for her own kind?” type of thing. I always go out of my way to say hi or even strike up a conversation with other Black women no matter who I’m with.

Typing this feels so dumb but it’s the way things are because there ARE “I don’t hang out with Black people/I’m too good for other Black people” individuals in our own community who think they can sidestep, racism, biases, and stereotyping by clutching to proximity to whiteness.

So, I’d recommend that your DD always speak when she sees them and hopefully they come around.

All of this. Also, OP, it's a little late for this, but it needs to be something you focus on as well. You can't expect these things to happen organically. My (much younger) AA daughter goes to school with a black kid that has white parents. The mother has always made sure that our kids do things together and I make sure to keep her in the loop when I hear about events or things going on where I know there will be lots of brown and black kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hate having these types of discussions in front of mixed company because things are thrown out there without the proper nuance to explain the complexity of situations like this.

I find it weird that everyone has automatically assumed that this is a group of xenophobic mean girls. There could be a lot more to this situation that isn’t being mentioned here or even to the parent.

In terms of advice. I’d strongly recommend you help your daughter find black community even if it exists outside of her school. I’ve seen the consequences of children not being able to find that community later in life and it can sometimes be really hard for them.

This part

But let's be real, no one really wants to be frank in these conversations and, amongst other issues, admit how exclusionary our community can really be.

Honestly every community can be very exclusionary and in the grand scheme of things I’d rate the black community pretty low in terms of how exclusionary it can be.

But we're not talking about any other community right now. Responses like that are exactly why no one is every really honest about what's really going on. Someone mentions a problem in our home and the response is, "well, so and so's home does it but worse." Oh okay, that's helpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hate having these types of discussions in front of mixed company because things are thrown out there without the proper nuance to explain the complexity of situations like this.

I find it weird that everyone has automatically assumed that this is a group of xenophobic mean girls. There could be a lot more to this situation that isn’t being mentioned here or even to the parent.

In terms of advice. I’d strongly recommend you help your daughter find black community even if it exists outside of her school. I’ve seen the consequences of children not being able to find that community later in life and it can sometimes be really hard for them.

This part

But let's be real, no one really wants to be frank in these conversations and, amongst other issues, admit how exclusionary our community can really be.

Honestly every community can be very exclusionary and in the grand scheme of things I’d rate the black community pretty low in terms of how exclusionary it can be.

But we're not talking about any other community right now. Responses like that are exactly why no one is every really honest about what's really going on. Someone mentions a problem in our home and the response is, "well, so and so's home does it but worse." Oh okay, that's helpful.

ding ding

This! That's very important. We need to focus the two groups that the OP is referring to.