Advice - Fitting in With Other Black Kids

[Anonymous]

I think you should encourage your daughter to attend the BSU. She might be making assumptions, and frankly they might also be making assumptions about her. The only way to get past this is to spend some time together.

As a JB ("Just Black" American), I have experienced discrimination from Africans. I also don't doubt that Africans have experienced discrimination from JBs. But I don't think it's fair to say that it's always one way against Africans. I've had African friends tell me that their parents told them not to hang with the JBs because they felt we'd drag them down.

I had a college roommate from Kenya who refused to invite me and our other JB roommate to the Kenyan parties because she said she'd be negatively judged for bringing the Black Americans.

So recognize that there are likely some perceptions flying in both directions that could be negatively impacting this experience. But I think it's worth trying to see if there could be a connection there. Doesn't mean they have to be her best friends, but it might enrich her experience to know she can be cool with them too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. Thanks for the responses. Just to clarify, DD is coming from another K-8 and is at a high school and the school only starts in 9th grade. There is an affinity group but my DD is not especially interested in joining. However, there are other groups in which these other Black girls participate.

It is not an issue of her isolating herself because she thinks she is better than anyone else or doesn’t believe that racism exists, etc. We are very frank with he about race issues and she understands. Her current friend group just organically happened this way and as a mom, I like the way that they treat her and include her. I am not keen on her sticking her neck out to gain the favor of the other Black girls only to have them reject her or have to jump through hoops because they have misconceptions about her. I will honor how she chooses to proceed but am keeping a close eye on it.

I'm still confused - is this a friend group from the last school? Or a brand new one at at the new school?

Either way, join the affinity group, now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. Thanks for the responses. Just to clarify, DD is coming from another K-8 and is at a high school and the school only starts in 9th grade. There is an affinity group but my DD is not especially interested in joining. However, there are other groups in which these other Black girls participate.

It is not an issue of her isolating herself because she thinks she is better than anyone else or doesn’t believe that racism exists, etc. We are very frank with he about race issues and she understands. Her current friend group just organically happened this way and as a mom, I like the way that they treat her and include her. I am not keen on her sticking her neck out to gain the favor of the other Black girls only to have them reject her or have to jump through hoops because they have misconceptions about her. I will honor how she chooses to proceed but am keeping a close eye on it.

I'm still confused - is this a friend group from the last school? Or a brand new one at at the new school?

Either way, join the affinity group, now.

DP. Or, you know, just don’t. I’m Black American but have had a somewhat analogous issue to OP’s daughter as I’m biracial and that’s a whole other dynamic vis-a-vis Black Americans whose parents both are Black. School affinity groups are often dominated but the culture and politics of the majority of affinity group members - if you’re excluded generally, don’t bet on the affinity group being some kind of warm embrace. The majority of the group makes their own safe space — the goal is not necessarily to be a big tent kind of place. My advice - encourage your daughter to be civil and stand up for herself and feel good about her values and interests. Let the chips fall where they may.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The reality is that there is an undercurrent of animosity between some Africans who have immigrated to America, and have become naturalized citizens, in the past forty years and some Americans of African descent, many of whose families have been in America for centuries. It's a complicated knot to untie because many of its stands are systemic (e.g., legacies of internalized colonialism about race, recent African arrivals being unfamiliar with the history of racialized enslavement in the US and then, more broadly, of US history regarding race (e.g., Jim Crow, sharecropping, etc.).

They are all victims of white supremacy.

To vastly varying degrees and the details matter. I don’t understand people who want to generalize to the level of “They are all victims of white supremacy” but not to the real step of transracial empathy that is “We are all human”

[Anonymous]

WWKD?

What would Kamala do?

:lol:

[Anonymous]

Why not try making building relationships with the parents of the other girls in order to help the friendships along?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. Thanks for the responses. Just to clarify, DD is coming from another K-8 and is at a high school and the school only starts in 9th grade. There is an affinity group but my DD is not especially interested in joining. However, there are other groups in which these other Black girls participate.

It is not an issue of her isolating herself because she thinks she is better than anyone else or doesn’t believe that racism exists, etc. We are very frank with he about race issues and she understands. Her current friend group just organically happened this way and as a mom, I like the way that they treat her and include her. I am not keen on her sticking her neck out to gain the favor of the other Black girls only to have them reject her or have to jump through hoops because they have misconceptions about her. I will honor how she chooses to proceed but am keeping a close eye on it.

I'm still confused - is this a friend group from the last school? Or a brand new one at at the new school?

Either way, join the affinity group, now.

DP. Or, you know, just don’t. I’m Black American but have had a somewhat analogous issue to OP’s daughter as I’m biracial and that’s a whole other dynamic vis-a-vis Black Americans whose parents both are Black. School affinity groups are often dominated but the culture and politics of the majority of affinity group members - if you’re excluded generally, don’t bet on the affinity group being some kind of warm embrace. The majority of the group makes their own safe space — the goal is not necessarily to be a big tent kind of place. My advice - encourage your daughter to be civil and stand up for herself and feel good about her values and interests. Let the chips fall where they may.

I hear you...but - let's put this into the context the OP has provided. Her DD is at a brand new school and is not even a month into the school. She has tried to talk to some girls and they weren't welcoming. Even if these incidents were about being African vs Black American - or if the incidents are about them dissing her for hanging with non-black girls (in the first few weeks at a new school) - it doesn't mean the entire culture of the BSU at that school is the same as this particular group of girls that has shunned her. She won't know until she attends.

[Anonymous]

Personally I would have put my kid at a more diverse school for this reason.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why not try making building relationships with the parents of the other girls in order to help the friendships along?

I suspect this is hard as a new family at a new HS. Less parent interaction and engagement for HS (and even wider divide between new families that might be looking for a few parent friends vs existing families that already have all the parent friends they need)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's more of a class thing than race thing. Lower class people shun upper class people when they assume they won't be accepted into the upper clas society.

I agree with this. It is very similar to what goes on in Hispanic groups (if you are into intellectual things you are often teased and even bullied).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hate having these types of discussions in front of mixed company because things are thrown out there without the proper nuance to explain the complexity of situations like this.

I find it weird that everyone has automatically assumed that this is a group of xenophobic mean girls. There could be a lot more to this situation that isn’t being mentioned here or even to the parent.

In terms of advice. I’d strongly recommend you help your daughter find black community even if it exists outside of her school. I’ve seen the consequences of children not being able to find that community later in life and it can sometimes be really hard for them.

This part

But let's be real, no one really wants to be frank in these conversations and, amongst other issues, admit how exclusionary our community can really be.

Thank you for saying this!

[Anonymous]

It reminded me of how I was in sleep away camp for the first time and there were kids there from rough neighborhoods on a sort of a scholarship. We were all white and it was in a different country, not US, but I remember so much tension between the kids from educated families and those of blue collar neighborhoods. We looked the same but we were worlds apart.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's more of a class thing than race thing. Lower class people shun upper class people when they assume they won't be accepted into the upper clas society.

I agree with this. It is very similar to what goes on in Hispanic groups (if you are into intellectual things you are often teased and even bullied).

Do you know how you all sound? Making the underlying assumption that the African child is higher class and intellectual…and the black American students are all poor and anti intellectual and bullying her because of that. It’s a lot of bias tied up in these statements

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's more of a class thing than race thing. Lower class people shun upper class people when they assume they won't be accepted into the upper clas society.

I agree with this. It is very similar to what goes on in Hispanic groups (if you are into intellectual things you are often teased and even bullied).

Do you know how you all sound? Making the underlying assumption that the African child is higher class and intellectual…and the black American students are all poor and anti intellectual and bullying her because of that. It’s a lot of bias tied up in these statements

No one specified who belonged to which social class, but socioeconomics does play a part in intraracial relations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's more of a class thing than race thing. Lower class people shun upper class people when they assume they won't be accepted into the upper clas society.

I agree with this. It is very similar to what goes on in Hispanic groups (if you are into intellectual things you are often teased and even bullied).

It socioeconomics but also cultural differences. A British black author took a perspective that would offend many in this country: https://www.thetimes.com/uk/royal-family/article/our-obsession-with-race-is-pushing-us-apart-xrcfkmn8h. A lot of research has been done on this.