Advice - Fitting in With Other Black Kids

[Anonymous]

Just chiming in to say sorry she is going through this. I am also African and most of my brutal teasing in school came from Black American kids - everything from my hair, to my features and the way I spoke. I found other races/cultures more accepting. That said, I formed a tough outer shell as a result and my current friend group reflects my previous experience. My advice is to not try too hard. What will you get out of it?

[Anonymous]

If you were to visit most schools in this area you will find black American students and Black African and Black Caribbean students mingling interchangeably.

I assume that the issue might be your daughter’s proximity to whiteness and not her Africanness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is actually very typical. Black American kids will often “other” African students. It is a cultural thing that is difficult to overcome. I’m African and found that in college and the workforce it became easier to forget relationships with other Black American people but I agree with the other poster who said not to force it. She will just end up feeling excluded and getting her feelings hurt. They don’t accept her and they likely won’t but she has a good group friends who seem to really like her.

This PP is right and I would say it's the rule rather than the exception.

I hope your daughter finds her people.

The response above is complete BS. This sounds like a a troll post. And OP if you are are serious, go to the Black Parents Forum for this one.

What is the black parents forum?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know this might sound odd but my high school DD is having an issue at her school. We are African immigrants and have largely lived in predominantly white environments our DD’s entire life. At my DD’s private school, I would say most of her close friends are not Black (mostly white). There is, however, a group of Black American girls who hang out together, eat lunch together, etc. My DD has said when she has said hello or tried to engage in small talk, these girls usually snub her or roll their eyes. My DD is very happy in her friend group (really sweet girls) but is concerned she is being alienated from these other girls just because of her close friend group.

Any advice? Culturally, I am at a loss, as I did not grow up here but I know there is often significant tension between Black and White Americans or that Black American students sometimes feel ostracized. I want to tread carefully so as not to offend anyone but I also want my DD to have friends who love and accept her for who she is. I don’t want her to have to try to be something/someone she is not just to fit it. I know this can often be a point of tension between Caribbean or African families and Black Americans (them not accepting us and us not accepting them). Not sure how to navigate or if it even needs to be navigated.

I'd say if she's happy with her current group of close friends, they she should enjoy that supportive group. It's great that she has such good friends to start out her HS years.

Even without the cultural issues and context given by helpful PP's above, it's important to remember that teen girl groups can be notoriously hard to break into (especially cliquey ones - which it sounds like these girls are).

If she feel like she needs more in terms of identity and is looking to broaden her exposure to include more black friends, it'll be more organic to do this though clubs, sports, and other activities like some PPs suggested, where there is are shared interests or a common goal among the students in the "group". These touch points are hopefully more one on one and allow students to get to know others outside of their more immediate friend group. (but it takes time, so be patient). I also suggest casting this club net widely and to be genuine to herself about what activity she finds interesting. For example, it doesn't have to just be an affinity group...it can be anything she's interested in that interests a diverse group of students.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you were to visit most schools in this area you will find black American students and Black African and Black Caribbean students mingling interchangeably.

I assume that the issue might be your daughter’s proximity to whiteness and not her Africanness.

Which schools?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you were to visit most schools in this area you will find black American students and Black African and Black Caribbean students mingling interchangeably.

I assume that the issue might be your daughter’s proximity to whiteness and not her Africanness.

I'm the pp of the first response. This could be an issue as well. The other girls may feel like she may not be " black enough" to fit in with them or may want to be white based upon her current friends.

[Anonymous]

Sorry she's experiencing that. Like others have mentioned, there could be any number of variables at play. As a child of immigrants, sadly have to echo, the teasing I experienced came from Black American children. My best friends in school were Asian. One thing I stress to my children regarding friendships and spaces is going where you are welcomed. Perhaps she'll cross paths with one of the girls in a class or extracurricular or can join the affinity group, but I wouldn't force it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you were to visit most schools in this area you will find black American students and Black African and Black Caribbean students mingling interchangeably.

I assume that the issue might be your daughter’s proximity to whiteness and not her Africanness.

I'm the pp of the first response. This could be an issue as well. The other girls may feel like she may not be " black enough" to fit in with them or may want to be white based upon her current friends.

It's this. Nothing to do with her Africanness, it's because they think she prefers the company of white people. If she had a mixed friend group (which a lot of AA's have), it would be different, but it sounds she exclusively hangs out with white kids, because that's where she's most comfortable for whatever reason. The AA kids aren't going to go out of their way to include someone who they perceive as having no interest in them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you were to visit most schools in this area you will find black American students and Black African and Black Caribbean students mingling interchangeably.

I assume that the issue might be your daughter’s proximity to whiteness and not her Africanness.

I'm the pp of the first response. This could be an issue as well. The other girls may feel like she may not be " black enough" to fit in with them or may want to be white based upon her current friends.

It's this. Nothing to do with her Africanness, it's because they think she prefers the company of white people. If she had a mixed friend group (which a lot of AA's have), it would be different, but it sounds she exclusively hangs out with white kids, because that's where she's most comfortable for whatever reason. The AA kids aren't going to go out of their way to include someone who they perceive as having no interest in them.

She's tried to make small talk and was responded to so rudely. Do they want her to shirk her established friend group to be included? Ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you were to visit most schools in this area you will find black American students and Black African and Black Caribbean students mingling interchangeably.

I assume that the issue might be your daughter’s proximity to whiteness and not her Africanness.

I'm the pp of the first response. This could be an issue as well. The other girls may feel like she may not be " black enough" to fit in with them or may want to be white based upon her current friends.

It's this. Nothing to do with her Africanness, it's because they think she prefers the company of white people. If she had a mixed friend group (which a lot of AA's have), it would be different, but it sounds she exclusively hangs out with white kids, because that's where she's most comfortable for whatever reason. The AA kids aren't going to go out of their way to include someone who they perceive as having no interest in them.

She's tried to make small talk and was responded to so rudely. Do they want her to shirk her established friend group to be included? Ridiculous.

Remember these are teens girls that we are referring to. They are rude and snarky unfortunately.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you were to visit most schools in this area you will find black American students and Black African and Black Caribbean students mingling interchangeably.

I assume that the issue might be your daughter’s proximity to whiteness and not her Africanness.

I'm the pp of the first response. This could be an issue as well. The other girls may feel like she may not be " black enough" to fit in with them or may want to be white based upon her current friends.

It's this. Nothing to do with her Africanness, it's because they think she prefers the company of white people. If she had a mixed friend group (which a lot of AA's have), it would be different, but it sounds she exclusively hangs out with white kids, because that's where she's most comfortable for whatever reason. The AA kids aren't going to go out of their way to include someone who they perceive as having no interest in them.

She's tried to make small talk and was responded to so rudely. Do they want her to shirk her established friend group to be included? Ridiculous.

OP - can you explain more of the context. I'm trying to understand. Is this a HS that had a rising 8th group (of which she is part of) and then new 9th graders coming from other schools (of which they are from)....so that she has her friends from 8th and is trying to reach out to a group of new students that have just joined in 9th?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you were to visit most schools in this area you will find black American students and Black African and Black Caribbean students mingling interchangeably.

I assume that the issue might be your daughter’s proximity to whiteness and not her Africanness.

I'm the pp of the first response. This could be an issue as well. The other girls may feel like she may not be " black enough" to fit in with them or may want to be white based upon her current friends.

It's this. Nothing to do with her Africanness, it's because they think she prefers the company of white people. If she had a mixed friend group (which a lot of AA's have), it would be different, but it sounds she exclusively hangs out with white kids, because that's where she's most comfortable for whatever reason. The AA kids aren't going to go out of their way to include someone who they perceive as having no interest in them.

She's tried to make small talk and was responded to so rudely. Do they want her to shirk her established friend group to be included? Ridiculous.

Remember these are teens girls that we are referring to. They are rude and snarky unfortunately.

Right? This adds to the complexity. Teens are not the most mature of social beings.

[Anonymous]

This is a really weird post. You surround your child within the white community her entire life and then she wants to become fiends with those that are black solely on the basis that she is black too? She needs friends that share the same interest as her not friends only because they have the same skin color.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a really weird post. You surround your child within the white community her entire life and then she wants to become fiends with those that are black solely on the basis that she is black too? She needs friends that share the same interest as her not friends only because they have the same skin color.

Not OP here - I'd argue differently. Of course she needs friends that share her same interest and I'd add, friends who care and support her as friends should do. But teenage years are a time of greater self awareness and self reflection and defining one's identity. Perhaps she loves her friends but also feels there is more of her identity that she would like to explore. Or, maybe she is reflecting that her friend group is not diverse and she values more diversity and is walking her walk to do something about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are likely several factors at play here. A lot could depend on when your DD joined the school vs the Black students, where you all live vs where they live, extracurriculars, etc.

As a Black woman, I can tell you the Black students may incorrectly assume that your daughter is not interested in being friends with them based on her current friend group.

Hopefully she can develop friendships with them organically, but I definitely wouldn't push it. If there are extracurriculars that several of the Black students are involved in that your DD may enjoy it could be helpful to enroll her in those same activities so she can spend time with them away from her friend group.

Black woman here too. This was my thought. I was just out with white friends this past weekend for an alumni meetup and, when you’re with white people, Black groups will feel you out, thinking “does she think she’s too good for her own kind?” type of thing. I always go out of my way to say hi or even strike up a conversation with other Black women no matter who I’m with.

Typing this feels so dumb but it’s the way things are because there ARE “I don’t hang out with Black people/I’m too good for other Black people” individuals in our own community who think they can sidestep, racism, biases, and stereotyping by clutching to proximity to whiteness.

So, I’d recommend that your DD always speak when she sees them and hopefully they come around.