Advice - Fitting in With Other Black Kids

[Anonymous]

OP, if your daughter does not want to be part of the Black affinity group, it may give the appearance that she does not want to associate with the other Black girls—even if that is not her intention. In other words, the Black girls may be rejecting her, because they think she is rejecting them. My children are being raised in a predominantly White suburb and attend a predominantly White school; however, I make sure they attend a Black church and join the Black affinity groups, because for children, belonging, connection and acceptance from others in the Black community enhances their own racial and cultural identity.

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. Thanks for the responses. Just to clarify, DD is coming from another K-8 and is at a high school and the school only starts in 9th grade. There is an affinity group but my DD is not especially interested in joining. However, there are other groups in which these other Black girls participate.

It is not an issue of her isolating herself because she thinks she is better than anyone else or doesn’t believe that racism exists, etc. We are very frank with he about race issues and she understands. Her current friend group just organically happened this way and as a mom, I like the way that they treat her and include her. I am not keen on her sticking her neck out to gain the favor of the other Black girls only to have them reject her or have to jump through hoops because they have misconceptions about her. I will honor how she chooses to proceed but am keeping a close eye on it.

[Anonymous]

This poor teenage girl. I hope she’s ignores every adult who doesn’t know her who’s judging her emotional connections. She’ll learn which life works best for her through her own experience. It sounds like much of it is painful already.

“It helps, sometimes, to be a little deaf” ~RBG

[Anonymous]

1st gen west African here and sadly this is common. I found it much easier to get along or get accepted by other 1st gens (of any race) and White Americans than Black Americans. It was hard to accept at first because I considered us all Black but thid was not reciprocated as I was constantly othered. This improved somewhat in high school and college but not really. I eventually found my people but they were mostly other 1st gen (Hispanics, Asians, Africans, European immigrants, etc.).

As long as your DD is happy and has a crew that is all that matters. Yes, it would be nice if we were all kumbaya and accepting of each other but the reality is you won’t always be everyone’s cup of tea and that will have to be ok. As you know and said, she should never force a friendship and this trend often continues to the work place as well, ime.

Wishing her the best.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This poor teenage girl. I hope she’s ignores every adult who doesn’t know her who’s judging her emotional connections. She’ll learn which life works best for her through her own experience. It sounds like much of it is painful already.

“It helps, sometimes, to be a little deaf” ~RBG

OP, do you have any black friends that can help you navigate this? If not, consider how your daughter may be internalizing that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This poor teenage girl. I hope she’s ignores every adult who doesn’t know her who’s judging her emotional connections. She’ll learn which life works best for her through her own experience. It sounds like much of it is painful already.

“It helps, sometimes, to be a little deaf” ~RBG

OP, do you have any black friends that can help you navigate this? If not, consider how your daughter may be internalizing that.

Not OP. I know how my mom would answer this.

I’m not going to answer questions to you about my friends. Of course I didn’t think about what you call it? What do you think my life was? Do you know what it was like to move across an entire ocean? To be in a new country with a baby? We didn’t have time for post-partum depression! I didn’t even know what it WAS until you were 10 years old! My friends are the people I found in a NEW country. We helped each other survive.

As I write this I see why immigrants often connect with each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1st gen west African here and sadly this is common. I found it much easier to get along or get accepted by other 1st gens (of any race) and White Americans than Black Americans. It was hard to accept at first because I considered us all Black but thid was not reciprocated as I was constantly othered. This improved somewhat in high school and college but not really. I eventually found my people but they were mostly other 1st gen (Hispanics, Asians, Africans, European immigrants, etc.).

As long as your DD is happy and has a crew that is all that matters. Yes, it would be nice if we were all kumbaya and accepting of each other but the reality is you won’t always be everyone’s cup of tea and that will have to be ok. As you know and said, she should never force a friendship and this trend often continues to the work place as well, ime.

Wishing her the best.

Well now you are seeing that this perception was incorrect. Africans have (multiple) cultures, African Americans have a culture.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1st gen west African here and sadly this is common. I found it much easier to get along or get accepted by other 1st gens (of any race) and White Americans than Black Americans. It was hard to accept at first because I considered us all Black but thid was not reciprocated as I was constantly othered. This improved somewhat in high school and college but not really. I eventually found my people but they were mostly other 1st gen (Hispanics, Asians, Africans, European immigrants, etc.).

As long as your DD is happy and has a crew that is all that matters. Yes, it would be nice if we were all kumbaya and accepting of each other but the reality is you won’t always be everyone’s cup of tea and that will have to be ok. As you know and said, she should never force a friendship and this trend often continues to the work place as well, ime.

Wishing her the best.

Well now you are seeing that this perception was incorrect. Africans have (multiple) cultures, African Americans have a culture.

I would correct this and say Africans have (multiple) cultures. African Americans have (multiple) cultures. Sometimes the multiple African American culture conflict, and sometimes conflicting culture speak as though for a whole that others disagree it represents.

For example:

Call your black friends. They are not ok right now
Can you believe I’m getting calls from people just because I’m black they think I’m not ok right now? Who the heck thinks, “I better call my black friend. She might not be ok right now?”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This poor teenage girl. I hope she’s ignores every adult who doesn’t know her who’s judging her emotional connections. She’ll learn which life works best for her through her own experience. It sounds like much of it is painful already.

“It helps, sometimes, to be a little deaf” ~RBG

OP, do you have any black friends that can help you navigate this? If not, consider how your daughter may be internalizing that.

Not OP. I know how my mom would answer this.

I’m not going to answer questions to you about my friends. Of course I didn’t think about what you call it? What do you think my life was? Do you know what it was like to move across an entire ocean? To be in a new country with a baby? We didn’t have time for post-partum depression! I didn’t even know what it WAS until you were 10 years old! My friends are the people I found in a NEW country. We helped each other survive.

As I write this I see why immigrants often connect with each other.

No, I don't. As an African American, I have no connection to the immigrant experience. No one in my family has ever been an immigrant. I will not be able to help you navigate through the experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know this might sound odd but my high school DD is having an issue at her school. We are African immigrants and have largely lived in predominantly white environments our DD’s entire life. At my DD’s private school, I would say most of her close friends are not Black (mostly white). There is, however, a group of Black American girls who hang out together, eat lunch together, etc. My DD has said when she has said hello or tried to engage in small talk, these girls usually snub her or roll their eyes. My DD is very happy in her friend group (really sweet girls) but is concerned she is being alienated from these other girls just because of her close friend group.

Any advice? Culturally, I am at a loss, as I did not grow up here but I know there is often significant tension between Black and White Americans or that Black American students sometimes feel ostracized. I want to tread carefully so as not to offend anyone but I also want my DD to have friends who love and accept her for who she is. I don’t want her to have to try to be something/someone she is not just to fit it.I know this can often be a point of tension between Caribbean or African families and Black Americans (them not accepting us and us not accepting them). Not sure how to navigate or if it even needs to be navigated.

She doesn't have this with the friend group she has already cultivated? I am a Black American woman who has a diverse friend set and your daughter should go where she is wanted and not worry about people who are rude to her.

[Anonymous]

Here's what we know. She can't be friends with those girls because they aren't befriending her. Perhaps that will change later, perhaps not. If you and she are interested in her developing a more diverse friend group, that may have to happen outside of school. Jack and Jill, the Links etc may be options if she isn't sporty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This poor teenage girl. I hope she’s ignores every adult who doesn’t know her who’s judging her emotional connections. She’ll learn which life works best for her through her own experience. It sounds like much of it is painful already.

“It helps, sometimes, to be a little deaf” ~RBG

In hindsight, RBG was quite deaf. To our detriment.

[Anonymous]

If your daughter doesn't want to join the affinity group where she might be able to create friendships, then please tell her to leave those Black girls alone. Let them in peace.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here's what we know. She can't be friends with those girls because they aren't befriending her. Perhaps that will change later, perhaps not. If you and she are interested in her developing a more diverse friend group, that may have to happen outside of school. Jack and Jill, the Links etc may be options if she isn't sporty.

I always chuckle when people mention joining Jack and Jill as a solution for Black kids who want to make Black friends. You can’t just “join” J&J because your Black child is struggling socially. You can’t even request an application to apply to the organization. You have to have at least one sponsor who is a current member AND you must be invited to apply when the chapter has membership intake—which in some cases is every other year. Then, the chapter members vote on prospective members (the number of applicants almost always exceeds the number of available spaces). Suburban chapters are usually easier to join than city chapters (but still not easy).

If OP tries to join the DC chapter (the OG big DC chapter, not the little one), good luck! There are members who haven’t been able to get their sisters and family members in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's what we know. She can't be friends with those girls because they aren't befriending her. Perhaps that will change later, perhaps not. If you and she are interested in her developing a more diverse friend group, that may have to happen outside of school. Jack and Jill, the Links etc may be options if she isn't sporty.

I chuckle when people mention joining Jack and Jill as a solution for Black kids who want to make Black friends. You can’t just “join” J&J because your Black child is struggling socially. You can’t even request an application to apply to the organization. You have to have at least one sponsor who is a current member AND you must be invited to apply when the chapter has membership intake—which in some cases is every other year. Then, the chapter members vote on prospective members (the number of applicants almost always exceeds the number of available spaces). Suburban chapters are usually easier to join than city chapters (but still not easy).

If OP tries to join the DC chapter (the OG big DC chapter, not the little one), good luck! There are members who haven’t been able to get their sisters and family members in.

Same! You want to delve into exclusivity in the Black community, talk about the orgs. And they're not a realistic solution to OP's concerns where she is looking for a more immediate action. You don't just walk in, you can't just want in, and processes aren't a quick turnaround.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here's what we know. She can't be friends with those girls because they aren't befriending her. Perhaps that will change later, perhaps not. If you and she are interested in her developing a more diverse friend group, that may have to happen outside of school. Jack and Jill, the Links etc may be options if she isn't sporty.

These groups are even worse than what she is already encountering. These two groups are VERY African American and not at all welcoming of Africans. Remember these are the same groups that used to use the paper bag test to see if you were light enough to get in - that was happening even in the 70s. They are very superficial and have no interest in learning about or accepting other cultures.