Advice - Fitting in With Other Black Kids

[Anonymous]

I don’t have time to read through this thread but came to say (1) OP you should find a Black parents forum to post. All of these non Black people weighing in?? I get that you’re trying to navigate the question but um. Here? On DCUM?

(2) It is not the culture and is absolutely her white friend group. My DD who is Black American (as are we) faced similar challenges with Black kids at her high school (American and non-American) because of her white friend group. She was openly asked why she was friends with “them” or why she sat with “them” in the cafeteria. It could also be that the very reason your kid has the white friend group is because she hasn’t been around a lot of Black kids and so doesn’t necc vibe the same way.

It is a fact that Black and White friendships groups have different vibes in the DC area. My DD who has managed to straddle the fence just by being herself and persistently being friends with the Black kids because that’s who she is has complained to me about the white kids that if she hears one more convo about T Swift or Fórmula 1 racers she will scream. On the other side, she still has to ask Black kids what some slang words mean when they are used and has to endure comments like “oh you’re really Black” when she expresses an affinity for or familiarity with something that is seen as culturally “black”.

In my experience, African and other Black immigrants often look down on Black Americans and—I’ve witnessed this—warn their kids about not becoming like the Black American kids. That’s just a fact. So they perpetuate the “otherness” and can have superiority complexes. It doesn’t anger me because doesn’t everyone sh*t on Black Americans? And I understand these immigrants aren’t familiar with our history or the circumstances of why we are where we are as a people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Culturally an African immigrant and African American are very different.

I’m Asian American married to another Asian American. I do not have any close Asian immigrant friends. This was not on purpose but I never really clicked with the kids, now adults, who are actually from Asia. I have Asian American friends from various ethnic backgrounds but they are all very western.

I don’t think your daughter has to try to be friends with the African American girls if she has a nice friend group.

You are not African. You are not African American. What exactly is your expertise here? Additionally it sounds like the child herself is not an immigrant but is first generation. The cultural lines between first generation descendants of Africans and the descendants of enslaved Africans quickly begin to blur as many first generation Africans begin to assimilate at least partially into black American culture.

Not really--a black American

Yep. Not really. If you know African immigrants, they actually have very little in common with Black Americans other than skin color. I would say African immigrants' values and culture are more aligned with what I have observed in immigrant Asian families - i.e., prioritizing education at all costs and foregoing materialistic items like cars, name brand clothing, etc. as a sacrifice for educational advancement. Also, there is more of an emphasis on respecting elders and taking care of elder members of the family. I'm not saying this does not exist in Black American culture but in African and Asian cultures, it is really on another level - i.e., they frown on putting the elderly in homes or facilities.

Pp Asian American here. My children are friends with African immigrant children and the African immigrant parents have actually told me that they feel more comfortable with us than with other Americans.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Culturally an African immigrant and African American are very different.

I’m Asian American married to another Asian American. I do not have any close Asian immigrant friends. This was not on purpose but I never really clicked with the kids, now adults, who are actually from Asia. I have Asian American friends from various ethnic backgrounds but they are all very western.

I don’t think your daughter has to try to be friends with the African American girls if she has a nice friend group.

You are not African. You are not African American. What exactly is your expertise here? Additionally it sounds like the child herself is not an immigrant but is first generation. The cultural lines between first generation descendants of Africans and the descendants of enslaved Africans quickly begin to blur as many first generation Africans begin to assimilate at least partially into black American culture.

Not really--a black American

No exaggeration. I’ve attended around 20 cross cultural weddings over the past 3 years of 20-30 something year olds. These weddings are often made up of 1st generation Africans (and sometimes Caribbeans) marrying Foundational Black Americans. These 1st generation African men and women have often been members of D9 organizations. Many are doctors, engineers…but so are their partners. Some attended HBCUs. Some attended high schools in the DMV. I believe many are finding more congruency in culture than not particularly West Africans (Liberians, Cameroonians, Sierra Leonean, sometimes Nigerians, etc) but not so much for East Africans (Ethiopian, Somali, North Sudanese, Kenyan) but there is also some religious difference in play there in addition to cultural expectations.

Although parents might teach something, the funny thing about children is most will go against some of their parent's expectations.

I’m the pp Asian American who married another Asian American. The majority of our friend circle is mixed Asian Americans from various backgrounds with parents who immigrated to the US. While our parents are all different, we grew up here as first and second generation Asian Americans. We married one another.

We know well educated African Americans who are the polite, smart, respectful and kind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t have time to read through this thread but came to say (1) OP you should find a Black parents forum to post. All of these non Black people weighing in?? I get that you’re trying to navigate the question but um. Here? On DCUM?

(2) It is not the culture and is absolutely her white friend group. My DD who is Black American (as are we) faced similar challenges with Black kids at her high school (American and non-American) because of her white friend group. She was openly asked why she was friends with “them” or why she sat with “them” in the cafeteria. It could also be that the very reason your kid has the white friend group is because she hasn’t been around a lot of Black kids and so doesn’t necc vibe the same way.

It is a fact that Black and White friendships groups have different vibes in the DC area. My DD who has managed to straddle the fence just by being herself and persistently being friends with the Black kids because that’s who she is has complained to me about the white kids that if she hears one more convo about T Swift or Fórmula 1 racers she will scream. On the other side, she still has to ask Black kids what some slang words mean when they are used and has to endure comments like “oh you’re really Black” when she expresses an affinity for or familiarity with something that is seen as culturally “black”.

In my experience, African and other Black immigrants often look down on Black Americans and—I’ve witnessed this—warn their kids about not becoming like the Black American kids. That’s just a fact. So they perpetuate the “otherness” and can have superiority complexes. It doesn’t anger me because doesn’t everyone sh*t on Black Americans? And I understand these immigrants aren’t familiar with our history or the circumstances of why we are where we are as a people.

Why post on some Black forum? This is an open secret. So silly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Culturally an African immigrant and African American are very different.

I’m Asian American married to another Asian American. I do not have any close Asian immigrant friends. This was not on purpose but I never really clicked with the kids, now adults, who are actually from Asia. I have Asian American friends from various ethnic backgrounds but they are all very western.

I don’t think your daughter has to try to be friends with the African American girls if she has a nice friend group.

You are not African. You are not African American. What exactly is your expertise here? Additionally it sounds like the child herself is not an immigrant but is first generation. The cultural lines between first generation descendants of Africans and the descendants of enslaved Africans quickly begin to blur as many first generation Africans begin to assimilate at least partially into black American culture.

Not really--a black American

No exaggeration. I’ve attended around 20 cross cultural weddings over the past 3 years of 20-30 something year olds. These weddings are often made up of 1st generation Africans (and sometimes Caribbeans) marrying Foundational Black Americans. These 1st generation African men and women have often been members of D9 organizations. Many are doctors, engineers…but so are their partners. Some attended HBCUs. Some attended high schools in the DMV. I believe many are finding more congruency in culture than not particularly West Africans (Liberians, Cameroonians, Sierra Leonean, sometimes Nigerians, etc) but not so much for East Africans (Ethiopian, Somali, North Sudanese, Kenyan) but there is also some religious difference in play there in addition to cultural expectations.

Although parents might teach something, the funny thing about children is most will go against some of their parent's expectations.

I’m the pp Asian American who married another Asian American. The majority of our friend circle is mixed Asian Americans from various backgrounds with parents who immigrated to the US. While our parents are all different, we grew up here as first and second generation Asian Americans. We married one another.

We know well educated African Americans who are the polite, smart, respectful and kind.

You know "well educated African Americans who are the polite, smart, respectful and kind" variety? This...is so problematic I don't even know where to begin. It's also the perfect example of why the Black kids gravitate toward each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Culturally an African immigrant and African American are very different.

I’m Asian American married to another Asian American. I do not have any close Asian immigrant friends. This was not on purpose but I never really clicked with the kids, now adults, who are actually from Asia. I have Asian American friends from various ethnic backgrounds but they are all very western.

I don’t think your daughter has to try to be friends with the African American girls if she has a nice friend group.

You are not African. You are not African American. What exactly is your expertise here? Additionally it sounds like the child herself is not an immigrant but is first generation. The cultural lines between first generation descendants of Africans and the descendants of enslaved Africans quickly begin to blur as many first generation Africans begin to assimilate at least partially into black American culture.

Not really--a black American

No exaggeration. I’ve attended around 20 cross cultural weddings over the past 3 years of 20-30 something year olds. These weddings are often made up of 1st generation Africans (and sometimes Caribbeans) marrying Foundational Black Americans. These 1st generation African men and women have often been members of D9 organizations. Many are doctors, engineers…but so are their partners. Some attended HBCUs. Some attended high schools in the DMV. I believe many are finding more congruency in culture than not particularly West Africans (Liberians, Cameroonians, Sierra Leonean, sometimes Nigerians, etc) but not so much for East Africans (Ethiopian, Somali, North Sudanese, Kenyan) but there is also some religious difference in play there in addition to cultural expectations.

Although parents might teach something, the funny thing about children is most will go against some of their parent's expectations.

I’m the pp Asian American who married another Asian American. The majority of our friend circle is mixed Asian Americans from various backgrounds with parents who immigrated to the US. While our parents are all different, we grew up here as first and second generation Asian Americans. We married one another.

We know well educated African Americans who are the polite, smart, respectful and kind.

You know "well educated African Americans who are the polite, smart, respectful and kind" variety? This...is so problematic I don't even know where to begin. It's also the perfect example of why the Black kids gravitate toward each other.

Poster of the first response. I totally agree. I want to say I can't believe this response and that wouldn't be the truth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Culturally an African immigrant and African American are very different.

I’m Asian American married to another Asian American. I do not have any close Asian immigrant friends. This was not on purpose but I never really clicked with the kids, now adults, who are actually from Asia. I have Asian American friends from various ethnic backgrounds but they are all very western.

I don’t think your daughter has to try to be friends with the African American girls if she has a nice friend group.

You are not African. You are not African American. What exactly is your expertise here? Additionally it sounds like the child herself is not an immigrant but is first generation. The cultural lines between first generation descendants of Africans and the descendants of enslaved Africans quickly begin to blur as many first generation Africans begin to assimilate at least partially into black American culture.

Not really--a black American

No exaggeration. I’ve attended around 20 cross cultural weddings over the past 3 years of 20-30 something year olds. These weddings are often made up of 1st generation Africans (and sometimes Caribbeans) marrying Foundational Black Americans. These 1st generation African men and women have often been members of D9 organizations. Many are doctors, engineers…but so are their partners. Some attended HBCUs. Some attended high schools in the DMV. I believe many are finding more congruency in culture than not particularly West Africans (Liberians, Cameroonians, Sierra Leonean, sometimes Nigerians, etc) but not so much for East Africans (Ethiopian, Somali, North Sudanese, Kenyan) but there is also some religious difference in play there in addition to cultural expectations.

Although parents might teach something, the funny thing about children is most will go against some of their parent's expectations.

I’m the pp Asian American who married another Asian American. The majority of our friend circle is mixed Asian Americans from various backgrounds with parents who immigrated to the US. While our parents are all different, we grew up here as first and second generation Asian Americans. We married one another.

We know well educated African Americans who are the polite, smart, respectful and kind.

You know "well educated African Americans who are the polite, smart, respectful and kind" variety? This...is so problematic I don't even know where to begin. It's also the perfect example of why the Black kids gravitate toward each other.

Poster of the first response. I totally agree. I want to say I can't believe this response and that wouldn't be the truth.

In the Asian posters defense, she was just replying to the African immigrant had the nerve to say, American Blacks aren’t any of those things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Culturally an African immigrant and African American are very different.

I’m Asian American married to another Asian American. I do not have any close Asian immigrant friends. This was not on purpose but I never really clicked with the kids, now adults, who are actually from Asia. I have Asian American friends from various ethnic backgrounds but they are all very western.

I don’t think your daughter has to try to be friends with the African American girls if she has a nice friend group.

You are not African. You are not African American. What exactly is your expertise here? Additionally it sounds like the child herself is not an immigrant but is first generation. The cultural lines between first generation descendants of Africans and the descendants of enslaved Africans quickly begin to blur as many first generation Africans begin to assimilate at least partially into black American culture.

Not really--a black American

No exaggeration. I’ve attended around 20 cross cultural weddings over the past 3 years of 20-30 something year olds. These weddings are often made up of 1st generation Africans (and sometimes Caribbeans) marrying Foundational Black Americans. These 1st generation African men and women have often been members of D9 organizations. Many are doctors, engineers…but so are their partners. Some attended HBCUs. Some attended high schools in the DMV. I believe many are finding more congruency in culture than not particularly West Africans (Liberians, Cameroonians, Sierra Leonean, sometimes Nigerians, etc) but not so much for East Africans (Ethiopian, Somali, North Sudanese, Kenyan) but there is also some religious difference in play there in addition to cultural expectations.

Although parents might teach something, the funny thing about children is most will go against some of their parent's expectations.

I’m the pp Asian American who married another Asian American. The majority of our friend circle is mixed Asian Americans from various backgrounds with parents who immigrated to the US. While our parents are all different, we grew up here as first and second generation Asian Americans. We married one another.

We know well educated African Americans who are the polite, smart, respectful and kind.

You know "well educated African Americans who are the polite, smart, respectful and kind" variety? This...is so problematic I don't even know where to begin. It's also the perfect example of why the Black kids gravitate toward each other.

Poster of the first response. I totally agree. I want to say I can't believe this response and that wouldn't be the truth.

In the Asian posters defense, she was just replying to the African immigrant had the nerve to say, American Blacks aren’t any of those things.

She was only replying to the tether coonery.

[Anonymous]

I think most black Americans who are descended from slaves know that their ancestors were sold by other Africans to Europeans. Recent African immigrants are not descended from slaves and instead come from a long line of people who have always been free in Africa. So, they are regarded somewhat differently by people who are descended from slaves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think most black Americans who are descended from slaves know that their ancestors were sold by other Africans to Europeans. Recent African immigrants are not descended from slaves and instead come from a long line of people who have always been free in Africa. So, they are regarded somewhat differently by people who are descended from slaves.

I think the animosity is going both ways and there are historical factors at play. I've had African friends tell me that their parents told them not to mix with the Black Americans. I think as much as many of us Black Americans are acutely aware that our ancestors were sold by Africans (whose descendants are now coming here to a place where our ancestors have had to struggle our way through America after their ancestors sold ours), Africans might have also bought into the Black exceptionalism and believe that "the bad ones were sold".

Blackness is not monolithic and I can understand why an African immigrant might feel more affinity with another immigrant, even if they aren't from the same country. And just because we might share similarities in color, Black Africans are often not culturally all that similar to even each other - let alone Black Americans.

I hope for the poster than her daughter is able to find her people, and perhaps there are opportunities within that community to have open and healthy discussions about Blackness and affinity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think most black Americans who are descended from slaves know that their ancestors were sold by other Africans to Europeans. Recent African immigrants are not descended from slaves and instead come from a long line of people who have always been free in Africa. So, they are regarded somewhat differently by people who are descended from slaves.

Most African immigrants can’t trace their heritage back to the 1700’s

[Anonymous]

My dad is African and my mom is Black American. Even though my dad emigrated to the U.S. from a country that had been colonized by the British, he still did not really grasp the animosity that Black Americans had toward white people. I believe that is because despite what was happening in his home country, Black people were still the majority and they were in the process of fighting to win back their country. My mom, however, carried all of the struggles, awareness and sadness that come along with the racial history in this country. Growing up, my dad, who had attended PWIs for his undergraduate and graduate degrees, strongly encouraged us to also attend PWIs because it was more reflective of the real world, while my mom doggedly encouraged us to attend HBCUs, as she had done. Interestingly, my dad did not have a great experience with other Black Americans when he was in college and grad school. He said culturally, they were worlds apart and as hard as he tried to befriend and date Black Americans, he was often rejected, belittled or taken advantage of. And this was during the heyday of the 70's when Black Americans were especially trying to connect with their African heritage. He stated that the white students were more welcoming and would invite him home for holidays and weekends, etc. Nonetheless, he fell in love with and married a Black American woman so he clearly had not given up in that aspect.

Growing up in these two different cultures was really interesting. I have to say though that largely, as a family, we adopted/incorporated more of my dad's culture than my mom's. Also, we were teased relentlessly by Black American kids initially but ultimately, they became my closest friends once we broke down some barriers and misunderstandings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My dad is African and my mom is Black American. Even though my dad emigrated to the U.S. from a country that had been colonized by the British, he still did not really grasp the animosity that Black Americans had toward white people. I believe that is because despite what was happening in his home country, Black people were still the majority and they were in the process of fighting to win back their country. My mom, however, carried all of the struggles, awareness and sadness that come along with the racial history in this country. Growing up, my dad, who had attended PWIs for his undergraduate and graduate degrees, strongly encouraged us to also attend PWIs because it was more reflective of the real world, while my mom doggedly encouraged us to attend HBCUs, as she had done. Interestingly, my dad did not have a great experience with other Black Americans when he was in college and grad school. He said culturally, they were worlds apart and as hard as he tried to befriend and date Black Americans, he was often rejected, belittled or taken advantage of. And this was during the heyday of the 70's when Black Americans were especially trying to connect with their African heritage. He stated that the white students were more welcoming and would invite him home for holidays and weekends, etc. Nonetheless, he fell in love with and married a Black American woman so he clearly had not given up in that aspect.

Growing up in these two different cultures was really interesting. I have to say though that largely, as a family, we adopted/incorporated more of my dad's culture than my mom's. Also, we were teased relentlessly by Black American kids initially but ultimately, they became my closest friends once we broke down some barriers and misunderstandings.

You still seem to misunderstand.

[Anonymous]

As someone who grew up with one African parent and one Black American parent and raised in a predominantly White suburban neighborhood, the reality is that cultural differences exist and your daughter may feel caught in the middle. If your daughter is looking for connection with the Black community, I suggest that you start by taking her to a Black church (either regularly or everywhere once in awhile). It is one place where Black people of different backgrounds can gather, fellowship and connect without judgment. It also would give her an opportunity to become familiar with Black American culture and actually be a part of it, since faith is the foundation. They usually have youth groups that she could join as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, it’s unfortunate you didn’t make a conscious effort to have your daughter interact with a more diverse group of children while she was growing up. It could have been done outside of school and probably would have helped her to be able to navigate both groups/cultures. You can’t just flip the switch. While her group of white friends may be nice, I’m guessing she still feels somewhat out of place being the only in the group. This may be okay when girls are younger, but can be tougher as they mature and start to date. Of course she can date whomever, but fewer black girls date white boys than white girls dating black boys. This can lead to low self esteem. Not what people want to hear, but it’s reality. You’re also only presenting one side.

Yes, this is a very real issue.