Advice - Fitting in With Other Black Kids

[Anonymous]

I know this might sound odd but my high school DD is having an issue at her school. We are African immigrants and have largely lived in predominantly white environments our DD’s entire life. At my DD’s private school, I would say most of her close friends are not Black (mostly white). There is, however, a group of Black American girls who hang out together, eat lunch together, etc. My DD has said when she has said hello or tried to engage in small talk, these girls usually snub her or roll their eyes. My DD is very happy in her friend group (really sweet girls) but is concerned she is being alienated from these other girls just because of her close friend group.

Any advice? Culturally, I am at a loss, as I did not grow up here but I know there is often significant tension between Black and White Americans or that Black American students sometimes feel ostracized. I want to tread carefully so as not to offend anyone but I also want my DD to have friends who love and accept her for who she is. I don’t want her to have to try to be something/someone she is not just to fit it. I know this can often be a point of tension between Caribbean or African families and Black Americans (them not accepting us and us not accepting them). Not sure how to navigate or if it even needs to be navigated.

[Anonymous]

Black woman here. I'm a public school product, but grew up as an only in most of my classes in K-8 and a few classes in high school. I'm going to be 100% honest, as much as she wants those girls to accept her, pushing the issue is only going to make it worse. From a teen perspective, she is an outsider and collectively teens dislike things different from them. She may find that one-on-one, these girls may be okay with her, but as a group mean girl behavior dominates. Some of the girls may not have an issue with her. My opinion is to go where you're accepted. If she doesn't have many black girl friends at her school, that sucks, but please don't force her to fit in with the girls who don't want her around. I'm almost 40 and I have predominantly black friends, who are mostly likely me, have a diverse background and like different music tastes, food tastes, etc. I definitely longed for a lot of black girlfriends outside of school. My suggestion is to try to have her meet other girls at different schools and activities and go from there.

[Anonymous]

I don’t have a solution but I’m concerned about this down the road. We are white DD is black. She fits in well with white groups of peers at sports or other groupings but her private K-8 is majority black and she hangs with black kids there.
Not sure how HS will play out.

[Anonymous]

This is actually very typical. Black American kids will often “other” African students. It is a cultural thing that is difficult to overcome. I’m African and found that in college and the workforce it became easier to forget relationships with other Black American people but I agree with the other poster who said not to force it. She will just end up feeling excluded and getting her feelings hurt. They don’t accept her and they likely won’t but she has a good group friends who seem to really like her.

[Anonymous]

Is there a Black Student Union or some other opportunity for her to interact with other Black kids in what I'm assuming is a primarily White educational environment?

It sounds like your daughter is trying to be friendly, but that other cultural stuff is getting in the way. Meeting them in a different context might help to break down the barriers and mutual distrust.

[Anonymous]

Have the other girls known each other for a long time, or do they do outside activities with each other? If so then that may be the issue, not your daughter's African heritage. I am African American from the midwest and I've found people here in DC much more cliquey than where I grew up.

[Anonymous]

Idk OP. Are you sure the other girls see your DD as different because of her friend group?
I would think it's more because of her background as the child of immigrants.

We are immigrants from a different country but both DCs have close friends who are Black who have parents who immigrated from the Caribbean and the other from Africa and culturally our families and experiences are very similar.

Your DD is lucky to have found such a nice group of new friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is actually very typical. Black American kids will often “other” African students. It is a cultural thing that is difficult to overcome. I’m African and found that in college and the workforce it became easier to forget relationships with other Black American people but I agree with the other poster who said not to force it. She will just end up feeling excluded and getting her feelings hurt. They don’t accept her and they likely won’t but she has a good group friends who seem to really like her.

This PP is right and I would say it's the rule rather than the exception.

I hope your daughter finds her people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is actually very typical. Black American kids will often “other” African students. It is a cultural thing that is difficult to overcome. I’m African and found that in college and the workforce it became easier to forget relationships with other Black American people but I agree with the other poster who said not to force it. She will just end up feeling excluded and getting her feelings hurt. They don’t accept her and they likely won’t but she has a good group friends who seem to really like her.

This PP is right and I would say it's the rule rather than the exception.

I hope your daughter finds her people.

The response above is complete BS. This sounds like a a troll post. And OP if you are are serious, go to the Black Parents Forum for this one.

[Anonymous]

Black Americans do have a distinct culture that people from other countries do not share, even if they have similar physical features.

I had a boyfriend in college who was from Kenya. Well-educated, upper-class, went to boarding school in England, and had a British accent. He had a hard time when Black peers insisted he conform to their notions of Blackness (which were very American) to be accepted. He didn’t and wasn’t.

Your daughter may have cultural traits that are more similar to the girls she’s friends with. Let her enjoy them. There’s no reason why she should “fit in with the other Black kids” unless they are kind and accepting.

What are your concerns? Are you afraid she’s seen as an Oreo, or that she won’t have support or understanding when she faces racism?

[Anonymous]

Another black African here to reiterate that your daughter's experience is very common. We have the same color skin but the cultures are different and teens prefer conformity.

[Anonymous]

WIS has a strong community of black Africans. She may find a good peer group there. There is, however, conflict. For example, some of the black African parents prefer taking a color-blind approach. Some African-American parents are insulted by the notion of color-blindness and find the concept morally lacking. The school cannot take both approaches, so there’s criticism from whoever does not get their way that year. However, there is a lot of diversity and a lot of desire to get it right.

[Anonymous]

There are likely several factors at play here. A lot could depend on when your DD joined the school vs the Black students, where you all live vs where they live, extracurriculars, etc.

As a Black woman, I can tell you the Black students may incorrectly assume that your daughter is not interested in being friends with them based on her current friend group.

Hopefully she can develop friendships with them organically, but I definitely wouldn't push it. If there are extracurriculars that several of the Black students are involved in that your DD may enjoy it could be helpful to enroll her in those same activities so she can spend time with them away from her friend group.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is actually very typical. Black American kids will often “other” African students. It is a cultural thing that is difficult to overcome. I’m African and found that in college and the workforce it became easier to forget relationships with other Black American people but I agree with the other poster who said not to force it. She will just end up feeling excluded and getting her feelings hurt. They don’t accept her and they likely won’t but she has a good group friends who seem to really like her.

This PP is right and I would say it's the rule rather than the exception.

I hope your daughter finds her people.

The response above is complete BS. This sounds like a a troll post. And OP if you are are serious, go to the Black Parents Forum for this one.

I'm not sure you have an understanding of some of the cultural aspects in this area. Either that or you are the troll.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is actually very typical. Black American kids will often “other” African students. It is a cultural thing that is difficult to overcome. I’m African and found that in college and the workforce it became easier to forget relationships with other Black American people but I agree with the other poster who said not to force it. She will just end up feeling excluded and getting her feelings hurt. They don’t accept her and they likely won’t but she has a good group friends who seem to really like her.

*forge