Has anyone else never “found their people” as an adult?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

OP here. For all of last year (2023), I was in a DBT program (met once a week with a DBT group and once a week with a DBT therapist). I "graduated" from the DBT program in December, about a month before I got fired from MBB and my boyfriend broke up with me. I reached out to my old DBT therapist when this happened, and she referred me to a type of therapy called Transference Focused Therapy.

Apparently Transference Focused Therapy is supposed to "reparent" me (similar to IFS or inner child work) to "solve" my personality disorder. I haven't looked into this type of therapy ever since I moved home; it's very expensive, and insurance doesn't usually cover it. Not a good recipe for an unemployed person.

OP, this sounds like DBT-informed therapy but NOT a full DBT program. Please research comprehensive program; it is tge gold standard for BPD.

https://thebethesdagroup.com/services/dbt/

I understand your intent to help me but I’m not willing to spend more money and time on something that never helped me in the first place. I think DBT was mostly a scam for me but I understand it helps others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I relate, 100%. Also East Asian. I didn't find my people in college. I went to grad school. Didn't find my people there either. I went into the work force, utter failure. I can't really tell you when things fell into place because it all happened so slowly and there was a lot of one step forward, two steps back in there. I met my husband. I left the area where my family was and started a new life elsewhere. My son is in private school, turned down a spot at a known "pressure cooker" for one that gets continually dogged on this forum, but my kids are happy, exploring who they are and I'm trying really hard not to have history repeat itself. I honestly feel content now, even though I gave up so much of what I was working towards.

OP here. Finally, someone who can relate!

Do you ever feel angry and resentful about how your parents stole your sense of self from you? I know that both of these emotions are unhealthy, but those are all I feel these days. When did these feelings of anger and resentment subside for you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are not supposed to be "launched" at 24, you should be exploring the world and different types of jobs. Did you ever do service jobs as a teenager? What jobs have you had?

Don't go into high pressure consulting jobs.

Get away from your parents.

Not everybody finds "their people" strive to have 3 good friends and 3 more people that you like to meet up with for lunch occassionally.

Find a mentor if you can. Do therapy.

OP here. This is actually an interesting question. The summer after I graduated college (about two years ago), I had four months in between college graduation and starting my consulting job.

I spent two of those four months as a summer camp counselor in California. I thought I would like the job, since I would be outdoors all day working with kids. I was miserable the entire two months, and I was almost even fired from my job for “not being enthusiastic enough” and “not embodying the positive attitude of a summer camp counselor.”

My suicidal ideation was running pretty high that summer. This was despite the fact that I woke up at 7 AM every day to run, hike, and swim with kids. My boss at the summer camp even commented on how “completely joyless” I seemed.

I guess being joyful and happy is harder for some people than others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First and most important: you should not be living with your parents. And I say that to (almost) everyone. You will never be your own person. You will never be your strongest self.

+1 even a low-wage job, get an apt and share with roommates. You are single, young, don't have loans and responsibilities etc. Think of the advantages you have now that do give you some control over your life and act on those.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is there a church or cultural connection you could explore? I feel like you could find another introverted person from your same East Asian background to date. Easier said than done, I get it. But you’d gain esteem in your family probably and have a person at your side who really understands your struggles.

What’s the equivalent of a “nice Jewish boy?” Get yourself one of those.

Noooooo. A man is not the solution to "I don't know myself" or "I don't have any friends" or "I am not successful.

Please, OP, date if you want but don't get in a committed relationship until you have worked on yourself a bit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Instead of having BPD, could you be on the spectrum? I suggest this because you mention not having made many/any friends, whereas BPD is typically characterized by lots of quick and intense friendships. Many women on the spectrum get misdiagnosed with BPD instead.

I wonder about this too, OP. I really do not pick up on BPD characteristics in any of the history you've provided, although I am certainly no expert, just someone with a sibling with BPD.

I can tell you're working really hard to find a way out of this deep depression you're in. I promise you it will get better, but it's not the kind of thing you can think or reason your way through. You said you've tried medication, right? Did you work with a psychiatrist to figure out the optical meds?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Instead of having BPD, could you be on the spectrum? I suggest this because you mention not having made many/any friends, whereas BPD is typically characterized by lots of quick and intense friendships. Many women on the spectrum get misdiagnosed with BPD instead.

I wonder about this too, OP. I really do not pick up on BPD characteristics in any of the history you've provided, although I am certainly no expert, just someone with a sibling with BPD.

I can tell you're working really hard to find a way out of this deep depression you're in. I promise you it will get better, but it's not the kind of thing you can think or reason your way through. You said you've tried medication, right? Did you work with a psychiatrist to figure out the optical meds?

OP here. I’ve been seeing a shrink for six years (basically since I got to college), and the cocktail of meds I’ve taken hasn’t done anything — if anything, they’ve made things worse.

My therapist told me that “characterlogical depression that doesn’t remit with medication” is common in BPD, so I stopped taking meds about a year ago. I haven’t noticed a difference.

[Anonymous]

I've never found "my people". I don't have any college friends to meet up with...not one. I have one childhood friend I see yearly. Other than that I see my family and a few mom friends who I generally can't be completely myself around, and I sometimes doubt whether they even like me. I only socialize one on one...I am absolutely terrible in group settings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I relate, 100%. Also East Asian. I didn't find my people in college. I went to grad school. Didn't find my people there either. I went into the work force, utter failure. I can't really tell you when things fell into place because it all happened so slowly and there was a lot of one step forward, two steps back in there. I met my husband. I left the area where my family was and started a new life elsewhere. My son is in private school, turned down a spot at a known "pressure cooker" for one that gets continually dogged on this forum, but my kids are happy, exploring who they are and I'm trying really hard not to have history repeat itself. I honestly feel content now, even though I gave up so much of what I was working towards.

OP here. Finally, someone who can relate!

Do you ever feel angry and resentful about how your parents stole your sense of self from you? I know that both of these emotions are unhealthy, but those are all I feel these days. When did these feelings of anger and resentment subside for you?

DP. I never "found anyone." My "people" is myself. I am my own best friend.

That's what you don't have. You're out here blaming everyone and everything but yourself, because fundamentally you don't like yourself. You're never going to find anyone, because no one wants to be around a person who hates themselves -- that's like soul sucking energy.

If you want to have a great life, the first step is to get real with yourself. That's not therapy, because you probably lie to therapists. You can't lie to yourself. I'd recommend meditation, or anything else that lets you see the thoughts that come into your head, and gives you a chance to be brutally honest with yourself.

[Anonymous]

OP- would you be willing to try Jesus? I think life in your 20's can be an extremely lonely time. You have a few factors that compound that- covid robbing you of normal college socialization, being in a job that you are miserable in. I'm in my 40s now- but I do remember being single and in my 20's and just kind of adrift. I 'found my people' at church. I lived in a house with a great group of girls I found through church. I became good friends with another group of girls at church (some overlap but not one for one with roomies). Its not clear to me whether you are still in the DC area- but look for churches with a strong group of singles in their 20s.
Another thought- I hear you about spending a lot of money on therapy- but I wonder if you might benefit from some career counseling. You might even be able to reach back to the career counseling office at your college. Having a job you basically enjoy is fairly important to happiness. If not a job you enjoy, at least coworkers you enjoy- sounds like you had neither at your previous job.
I echo what others said- move out of your parents house- that's just holding you back. Don't worry about the long term future- but set short term goals- this is what I want to do in 3 months (move to x), this is what I want to do in 6 months. etc.

[Anonymous]

Definitely find a good therapist. And then think about what you actually want to do for a living. Since your loans are paid off, that gives you a lot of freedom to take something that isn't as high paying. What do you like to do in your spare time? See if you can find a group that does that and meets in person. That might be a start. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You've had some bad luck. Not having your people is a result of things out of your control. Moving so often in high school, COVID in college, going to a college and first job that weren't a fit (ok, that's a little in your control but you were guided that way and doing what you were told was the right thing). There's really no way you'd have people at this point.
You're correctly feeling behind on this front. But I think you need to take control. Move somewhere you want to live, get a job doing something you want to do. Proactively seek out a mate. I'd focus on that, not friends. If you find a great guy and start a life together, you'll make friends much more easily than making friends on your own. And when you have kids, it gets even easier.
Controversial take- I think 20-somethings are getting bad mental health care. I applaud so many in this generation seeking therapy and I 100% agree with medication. But there's too much time dissecting and re-living and constantly analyzing the emotions. I'd consider LESS therapy, not more. Find the medication that works to stabilize your moods and keep thoughts of self-harm at bay, but keep it to a minimum beyond that

I agree with those especially because OP has tried extensive therapy (which was a good proactive way to address these issues). But the biggest thing is moving forward and concrete steps to get there so you are not living in the past. You need to move away from your parents and get a job. I posted above - it doesn't need to be an amazing job, your living expenses at this stage are low.

I am also Asian American btw. I have a great relationship with my parents but could not have lived with them healthily in my 20s. I was going out, dating, staying out late, showing up to work later sometimes (living!) and none of that would have gone over okay. A bit of distance and independence (and not hearing constant commentary and disapproval) is everything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I relate, 100%. Also East Asian. I didn't find my people in college. I went to grad school. Didn't find my people there either. I went into the work force, utter failure. I can't really tell you when things fell into place because it all happened so slowly and there was a lot of one step forward, two steps back in there. I met my husband. I left the area where my family was and started a new life elsewhere. My son is in private school, turned down a spot at a known "pressure cooker" for one that gets continually dogged on this forum, but my kids are happy, exploring who they are and I'm trying really hard not to have history repeat itself. I honestly feel content now, even though I gave up so much of what I was working towards.

OP here. Finally, someone who can relate!

Do you ever feel angry and resentful about how your parents stole your sense of self from you? I know that both of these emotions are unhealthy, but those are all I feel these days. When did these feelings of anger and resentment subside for you?

Slowly. Over time. And to be honest, I still feel angry with them. It took a long time to come to terms with the fact that they were emotionally abusive and I had some arrested development because of their insane expectations. I felt they would withhold love if I didn't succeed and what a F--d up way to treat a child. Don't get me wrong, I love them and understand that they felt they were doing what was good for me. I'm also angry and am trying to do better now that I'm a parent.

I did try to find an Asian therapist because I felt so much of my trauma was cultural, but I didn't have good luck with that. I'm (still) hard wired to not displease my Asian elders, so I found myself not being able to be completely vulnerable.

Hang in there, try and be kind and patient to yourself. My sister also suffers from the same issues. You're definitely not alone.

[Anonymous]

It would be best for your well being to not live with your overbearing and critical parents. My sister was self sufficient living in a shared apartment. She then made an ill-fated choice to move into our mother’s house. Her self-esteem seemed to chip away and she lost the drive to stand on her own.

[Anonymous]

OP sounds like she is struggling with BPD + depression. Honestly people with these traits can be quite challenging to deal with so it’s not surprising that she is struggling to make friends. Suggestions include:

1. Get away from your parents
2. Spend less time in therapy
3. Consider reducing the drugs you are taking
4. Make a friend from your culture with whom you can vent about your parents. In actuality your parents were likely doing what they thought best, but you will never accept this. So find a buddy to rant about how terrible they are to make yourself feel better.
5. Figure out how can support yourself financially independent of your parents
6. Remember that no one owes you their friendship
7. Consider getting a pet