Has anyone else never “found their people” as an adult?

[Anonymous]

Exactly a year ago, I posted on this forum saying that I was diagnosed with BPD and frequently felt lonely. I’ve deteriorated a lot since then, and I guess I’ve become a “failure to launch” now. Here’s the situation:

I’m currently 24. I was born in an East Asian country and moved to the US with my parents when I was 5. I moved around a lot as a kid, and I attended three different high schools all in varying parts of the country due to my parents’ frequent moves.

I attended an Ivy for college, where I made exactly zero friends (part of that was due to COVID, but also part of it was due to my unhappiness at the competitive, cutthroat culture at my Ivy). When I graduated college, I got an offer at a prestigious MBB consulting company in DC.

Cue my quarter life crisis. I hated everything about my consulting job, and I also really resented the fact that I had exactly zero people I kept in touch with from my childhood, high school, and college. I hated living in a city as transient as DC, which was difficult for me as someone who had no social connections.

I don’t want to sound woe is me since on paper, my life seems pretty great: Ivy degree, prestigious consulting job, student loans all paid off, etc. But… woe really is me.

I got extremely depressed when I moved to DC and started my job, and my suicidal ideation intensified. Going to therapy and taking meds was useless for me (as is the case for a lot of people with BPD), and I eventually got fired from my job back in January because I was ill-suited for such an intense, competitive environment.

After I got fired in January, I moved back home with my parents, where I’m subjected to daily shame (a cornerstone of Asian parenting).
I’ve never really found “my people” so to speak. It wasn’t in college or high school, and it wasn’t at work at my MBB firm. It’s certainly not with my parents, who (like many Asian parents) are critical and controlling.

My old therapist in DC dumped me, and my new therapist (based in my parents’ city) diagnosed me with “extreme BPD.” She asked me how I would describe myself to other people…. And I couldn’t think of any words besides “bright and hard working.”

That’s when it hit me that I had such a weak sense of self, and such little idea of who I really am as a person, that the only words I could come up with to describe myself were “smart and hardworking.” My therapist reiterated to me that it’s difficult to be friends or coworkers with someone who has such a weak sense of self and doesn’t really know who they are.

I guess this can all be traced back to the fact that my entire life was a hamster wheel of achievement, and creating close relationships was never something that was deemed important to me. I feel lost, lonely, isolated, and deeply alienated from society.

I have to admit that I frequently dream about jumping off a bridge — and before you tell me otherwise, no, therapy hasn’t helped resolve this.

Has anyone else been in this situation?

[Anonymous]

If your parents are putting you down, get out. Get a basic stable job and start over. If you are bright and hard working that will carry you a long way.

You need to minimize contact with toxic people in your life even if they are parents, and find positive ones. A job that feels like a hobby )something you love even if it doesn’t pay top tier) would go a long way. Having a reason to get out of bed is important.

Do you like animals? Haviving a dog could also help.

Please don’t jump off a bridge and don’t believe every negative thought you have, you are an accomplished young woman with your life ahead of you. I remember my own quarter life crisis and IT GETS BETTER. (I’m now 45 and very happy.)

[Anonymous]

Btw early to mid 20s are very high risk for self harm. Your brain is finishing development and there are a lot of different types of hormones and chemicals swirling around. It’s a temporary period and it will stabilize with time. A good therapist is important but if you suspect one is Not good for you, keep looking until you find a good fit. There are many bad therapists out there and they can do some real damage. Trust your gut on that one.

[Anonymous]

Get into a reputable DBT program and do the work. It will help re-train your brain on how to think.

[Anonymous]

I have been reading your posts since you were in college and I relate to them. I definitely felt like a failure to launch at 24 and I don’t think that’s uncommon. You have to get away from your parents though because they are only making you feel worse. But I suspect that your parents do love you and just don’t really have the emotional tools to help you in this situation. Get a job, any job, and move up from there.

Nothing is as big of a deal as it seems from your position. No high school friends- big deal. I don’t even remember anything about most of the people I went to high school with. No college friends- also not a big deal. I also felt like you and 15 years later I have plenty of friends.

Go easy on yourself. There’s a lot to enjoy about life that you can’t enjoy when you focus on the negative. Nature, good food, hobbies. Find what you like about living and pursue it wholeheartedly. I suspect that what your therapist calls a weak sense of self comes from constantly trying to live up to someone else’s expectation of who you should be. Who do you want to be? What do you want your life to look like and how can you get that?

[Anonymous]

Most people don't really have a lot of close friends OP, it's just our culture. Most people settle on trying to find just one person, whom they marry, and hold them accountable for satisfying every social/romantic/support role they need all in one at all times and eventually divorce when it turns out that's an impossible thing to expect.

[Anonymous]

You are young, smart, and articulate. What you’ve written here is eloquent, self aware, and vulnerable. How does this translate to daily interactions in your life? I agree with others that you need to find a a better therapist. Maybe someone here has a recommendation. Your desire to socially connect is evident. Make this a priority! There are many young adults seeking friendships, adventure, travel, and social meetups. Some of these links are a good start but DCUM may have better suggestions.

https://www.meetup.com/dc-md-va-solo-female-travel-group/

https://www.reddit.com/r/washingtondc/comments/17488wt/do_people_actually_enjoy_meetups/?rdt=41303

https://www.reddit.com/r/washingtondc/comments/105tzl9/meeting_people_in_dc/

[Anonymous]

It sounds like your medication isn't working well. BPD is hard to treat but if you have co-morbidities like depression, you can look into spravato or TMS therapy for that.

20s is a rough time. Not to discount you, but a lot of people struggle with identity. You got through the achievement hamster wheel only to be discarded by corporate America. Been there! I started my own business in my 30s and have never looked back.

Another recommendation - look into doing a vision seminar to find what drives you and gives you purpose. I did this one and it was really helpful after a rough break up with business partners: https://rajikamahan.com/workshop

[Anonymous]

First and most important: you should not be living with your parents. And I say that to (almost) everyone. You will never be your own person. You will never be your strongest self.

[Anonymous]

Is there a church or cultural connection you could explore? I feel like you could find another introverted person from your same East Asian background to date. Easier said than done, I get it. But you’d gain esteem in your family probably and have a person at your side who really understands your struggles.

What’s the equivalent of a “nice Jewish boy?” Get yourself one of those.

[Anonymous]

Get away from your parents. I say this as an Asian American kid with similar parents. They want what's good for you. But only you can discover what it is best for you. I remained disconnected from my true self when near my parents because my instinct was to do things that would make them happy. Of course nothing makes them happy, so I wasted valuable time and energy trying.

Move to a place where you can be alone with your thoughts. That's when you will start getting acquainted with yourself. Doesn't matter if it's not fancy. Get out into the world.

[Anonymous]

Well you might not like it but your achievements are also part of who you are not some false self. You can make a decision to pursue different once’s or to achieve less, that’s also okay; but you will continue to benefit for about a decade from what you’ve already accomplished. That was one stage of your life and now you’re in another in this stage, you need to work on a) starting a career or going to grad school and then starting a career and b) relationships. Going to grad school might help catapult you into an environment where there are more people for relationships. It’s not essential that you have an A+ job or career, but you can probably handle a B+ one at least, and that will be enough to get you to the next stage. In this next stage relationships become front and center so you need to invest more time and energy into sorting yourself out so you are ready before the room starts to clear and it gets harder.
My hat said, there are a lot of people who faced these kinds of challenges in their 20s who sort themselves out in their 30s or even later and find each other then.

[Anonymous]

Your parents sound awful. Getting away from them would probably help you just because you aren't being subjected to people that feel they have a right to be emotionally abusive just because you're their child.

As far as friends, that's a hard one. For me, I found connections with people like me. If you have hobbies or interests, you could look at Meetup for people that share them. Maybe hiking or something? That could get you out of the house away from your parents and maybe allow you to meet some people.

[Anonymous]

Please look into a DBT program. It could be life-changing.

[Anonymous]

You are not supposed to be "launched" at 24, you should be exploring the world and different types of jobs. Did you ever do service jobs as a teenager? What jobs have you had?

Don't go into high pressure consulting jobs.

Get away from your parents.

Not everybody finds "their people" strive to have 3 good friends and 3 more people that you like to meet up with for lunch occassionally.

Find a mentor if you can. Do therapy.