Has anyone else never “found their people” as an adult?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. The range of comments here stymies me even further. I have people telling me to go to more therapy and less therapy. I have people telling me to make friends at church, make friends among other Asian Americans, and make friends in the local house music scene. I have people telling me that I seem self aware and articulate, and people telling me that I am probably a difficult person to be friends with.

One thing is clear though — I should probably move out of my parents’ house and get any sort of job.

Honestly I regret posting this. All the different advice makes me feel more confused.

This post is so typical of BPD. Textbook.

Yes. And op might to be in patient right now. Given her fixation on suicide.

[Anonymous]

I think I can relate to OP in not knowing who you are and trying to live life by pleasing parents.

My rock bottom was I kept getting into accidents and repeating the same dysfunctional patterns. Took that as a sign, opted out of working and dedicated myself full time to healing. Focused on challenging athletic goals, read a lot of self help, followed my interests, did nature walks, tried different healing techniques. Eventually I was able to find myself again.

Had many dark nights of the soul but that passes and you will be so glad when you see the other side. It is there but you have to keep going day by day.

[Anonymous]

OP - just saw your post in the other forum. I haven't read through all of this but agree with much of the advice above - including finding a pathway to leave your parents' home.

I very much feel for you.

I'm going to share my thoughts on one angle.

Please try to go seek out group activities in your area where you can both try new (or return to old) things to see what you like and meet other young people who like those activities. There are running groups, hiking groups, travel groups, cooking classes, arts classes, sports classes, dance etc. These steps will help you learn what you like to do - help you build your self identity and your confidence. And hopefully will allow you to meet people and begin to build some relationships based on common interest. This is how most relationships are started and maintained.

Don't listen to the person that said people don't have many friends anymore - that happens because it is easy to get walled off in your own world and let old relationships drop off....it doesn't have to be that way. The more you get out there and know what and who you like - you can put in the work to maintain relationships with people (and learn to avoid the toxic people in life).

I'm pulling for you!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is there a church or cultural connection you could explore? I feel like you could find another introverted person from your same East Asian background to date. Easier said than done, I get it. But you’d gain esteem in your family probably and have a person at your side who really understands your struggles.

What’s the equivalent of a “nice Jewish boy?” Get yourself one of those.

Noooooo. A man is not the solution to "I don't know myself" or "I don't have any friends" or "I am not successful.

Please, OP, date if you want but don't get in a committed relationship until you have worked on yourself a bit.

Agree with this! You cannot be in a truly healthy relationship with a partner until you are more healthy yourself. Otherwise you will either be leaning too much on the other person (like prior - who may feel resentful and burdened) or end up with a horrible person who might use it to be manipulative and cause you more harm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. The range of comments here stymies me even further. I have people telling me to go to more therapy and less therapy. I have people telling me to make friends at church, make friends among other Asian Americans, and make friends in the local house music scene. I have people telling me that I seem self aware and articulate, and people telling me that I am probably a difficult person to be friends with.

One thing is clear though — I should probably move out of my parents’ house and get any sort of job.

Honestly I regret posting this. All the different advice makes me feel more confused.

Consider what people are telling you here as a menu of options from which you get to choose.

Maybe you feel confused because you have been trained/wired to do what other people tell you.

I think the general theme here has been that everyone is trying to help you find "potential" pathways to dig yourself out of the hole you are experiencing. Don't use these as a script or a to do list. It's many different people sharing ideas - you should expect them to be all over the map. But then again - you might want to consider the re-occurring themes as shared opinions.

Use the array of ideas to reflect a bit and maybe try out something. If nothing resonates - then pick one and try it out - and try another if that one doesn't seem interesting (Just be sure to ignore the "get a man" and the "just get used to the idea that people don't have friends" or "some people never find their people" nonsense....I can assure you , those aren't helpful!)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You should stop thinking too much about yourself and start helping others who are less fortunate, by helping others you will find yourself.
People are different that is why they give you conflicting advice.

This is an interesting angle....I'm the PP posting today about trying new things. Another "new thing" you can do is find somewhere to volunteer. Doing something that would be meaningful to you. You may meet nice people doing that too. It can be rewarding.

[Anonymous]

OP— I was once exactly like you. All I can tell you is what saved me, and that is meditation. Meditation is the act of observing your own thoughts and feelings without judgment. Just noticing.

The more I took time to do this, the more I saw how my own brain worked, the patterns I’d been blindly following for years, and most importantly, the ways I felt about all of it. Stepping outside of myself in this way helped me to find out what I really liked, wanted to be, and why life was worth living.

Once I was able to see myself more clearly, I could also see others more clearly (instead of projecting my own thoughts/feelings on to them). This is what helped me to finally find my own people, and to realize that my own people are everywhere.

Meditation doesn’t work for everyone, but just thought I’d share my experience, in case it does for you. Good luck OP. I hope you find what works for you.

[Anonymous]

OP - I'm the same person on all today's posts. I really do hope you find your way. Take baby steps, don't have grand expectations

Story- when I had a bout of depression earlier in my life, I followed a friend's advice to go to the gym every day....and I'd have an inner dialogue of "friend" says go to the gym so I am going to do that". It was a good thing to do - exercise is always good - but I'll be honest that it did not make me feel better (perhaps it kept me from feeling worse....and it certainly gave me some purpose and something beneficial to do with my time). But I still was depressed and I just kept going.

Don't fall into a trap where you stop doing "a good thing to do" because it didn't have a noticeable bump to your mood. You have to think of it as a marathon - tell yourself I'm going to just keep doing the "good things I should do for myself" (which include exercise, sleep, seeking social outlets, trying new things) and over time eventually something changes (and you don't even notice what it was) and you slowly come out of that tunnel.

You are fighting many years of what has been a mentally abusive situation and lost yourself. It can take time - but you can do it. Go out and explore the world to find what you like.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - I'm the same person on all today's posts. I really do hope you find your way. Take baby steps, don't have grand expectations

Story- when I had a bout of depression earlier in my life, I followed a friend's advice to go to the gym every day....and I'd have an inner dialogue of "friend" says go to the gym so I am going to do that". It was a good thing to do - exercise is always good - but I'll be honest that it did not make me feel better (perhaps it kept me from feeling worse....and it certainly gave me some purpose and something beneficial to do with my time). But I still was depressed and I just kept going.

Don't fall into a trap where you stop doing "a good thing to do" because it didn't have a noticeable bump to your mood. You have to think of it as a marathon - tell yourself I'm going to just keep doing the "good things I should do for myself" (which include exercise, sleep, seeking social outlets, trying new things) and over time eventually something changes (and you don't even notice what it was) and you slowly come out of that tunnel.

You are fighting many years of what has been a mentally abusive situation and lost yourself. It can take time - but you can do it. Go out and explore the world to find what you like.

correction - I'm all of today except 22:32

[Anonymous]

Hugs, OP. While our stories aren’t quite the same, I had emotionally neglectful parents and struggled socially in childhood through college. I’m now in my 40s with wonderful friends, my own little family, and a career I love. I don’t have friends I’ve known since childhood but I have the friends I need. And I’ve been able to make peace with the life I’ve had up to this point.

[Anonymous]

Hey OP , I found your post from the college board. I am early 40s now, and your story really echoes with me. I also had tiger parents and only felt valued for my achievements. I went to an Ivy, then a top 10 medical school/ residency/ fellowship, all the while having no sense of myself. I went to medical school because my parents basically said, it's medical school or bust. And I couldn't do primary care either; I had to do a competitive, high paying specialty. So what did it get me -- well, on paper, I make a ton of money, have the prestige and community clout, etc, but inside I feel like a fraud every day of my life. One silver lining - I have a young child now, and my dream is that she really truly discovers who she is, her own dreams/desires, and meaning/mattering in life. Maybe in that sense it can help heal my inner child.

At the end of the day, I made the money my immigrant parents always wanted. I guess it was at the cost of my soul. I wish they hadn't subjected me to their financial struggles and stress at such a young age; it had a very damaging effect on my psyche.

[Anonymous]

Asian American here. Almost every Asian parent I know was like mine or yours. All of our parents nag us. This goes for parents in America and in Asia. They want us to do well in school, get a good job and get married to a good partner. This is almost universal to all Asian parents and probably parents of various backgrounds.

I don’t think your situation is unique. I moved from an East Asian country, moved many times, attended top schools and felt like I didn’t really fit in. I’m not sure if I ever found my people either.

I can think of many people in your same position who are a bit lost. I’m fairly certain half or more of Asian families have adult children who may be home and unemployed. This is probably not unique to Asians as hiring seems to be way down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is what happens you guzzle western boss girl capitalist achievement culture bs full speed for 20+ years.

You need to unplug from the matrix and find your own identity. Muh ivy, muh MBB, these are all corporate drone tools. Your parents were singularly obsessed with achievement and financial stability with no sense of true identity or self worth.

Have you ever considered that you don't have BPD? Do you really trust these endless faceless mental health professionals and therapists? Do you ever wonder why the first thing people advise is "get a therapist?"

Everything you have slaved for is built on lies and illusion. The fact that you unironically believed and worked so hard for shallow externalities is now manifesting itself. Along the way you didn't make friends or build any meaningful relationships.

Do with this information what you will.

Wow! That AI really stinks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Exactly a year ago, I posted on this forum saying that I was diagnosed with BPD and frequently felt lonely. I’ve deteriorated a lot since then, and I guess I’ve become a “failure to launch” now. Here’s the situation:

I’m currently 24. I was born in an East Asian country and moved to the US with my parents when I was 5. I moved around a lot as a kid, and I attended three different high schools all in varying parts of the country due to my parents’ frequent moves.

I attended an Ivy for college, where I made exactly zero friends (part of that was due to COVID, but also part of it was due to my unhappiness at the competitive, cutthroat culture at my Ivy). When I graduated college, I got an offer at a prestigious MBB consulting company in DC.

Cue my quarter life crisis. I hated everything about my consulting job, and I also really resented the fact that I had exactly zero people I kept in touch with from my childhood, high school, and college. I hated living in a city as transient as DC, which was difficult for me as someone who had no social connections.

I don’t want to sound woe is me since on paper, my life seems pretty great: Ivy degree, prestigious consulting job, student loans all paid off, etc. But… woe really is me.

I got extremely depressed when I moved to DC and started my job, and my suicidal ideation intensified. Going to therapy and taking meds was useless for me (as is the case for a lot of people with BPD), and I eventually got fired from my job back in January because I was ill-suited for such an intense, competitive environment.

After I got fired in January, I moved back home with my parents, where I’m subjected to daily shame (a cornerstone of Asian parenting).
I’ve never really found “my people” so to speak. It wasn’t in college or high school, and it wasn’t at work at my MBB firm. It’s certainly not with my parents, who (like many Asian parents) are critical and controlling.

My old therapist in DC dumped me, and my new therapist (based in my parents’ city) diagnosed me with “extreme BPD.” She asked me how I would describe myself to other people…. And I couldn’t think of any words besides “bright and hard working.”

That’s when it hit me that I had such a weak sense of self, and such little idea of who I really am as a person, that the only words I could come up with to describe myself were “smart and hardworking.” My therapist reiterated to me that it’s difficult to be friends or coworkers with someone who has such a weak sense of self and doesn’t really know who they are.

I guess this can all be traced back to the fact that my entire life was a hamster wheel of achievement, and creating close relationships was never something that was deemed important to me. I feel lost, lonely, isolated, and deeply alienated from society.

I have to admit that I frequently dream about jumping off a bridge — and before you tell me otherwise, no, therapy hasn’t helped resolve this.

Has anyone else been in this situation?

You seem pretty self-aware. Hang in there. Follow your heart.

[Anonymous]

You might be autistic. Autistic women are often misdiagnosed as BPD.