Has anyone else never “found their people” as an adult?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP sounds like she is struggling with BPD + depression. Honestly people with these traits can be quite challenging to deal with so it’s not surprising that she is struggling to make friends. Suggestions include:

1. Get away from your parents
2. Spend less time in therapy
3. Consider reducing the drugs you are taking
4. Make a friend from your culture with whom you can vent about your parents. In actuality your parents were likely doing what they thought best, but you will never accept this. So find a buddy to rant about how terrible they are to make yourself feel better.
5. Figure out how can support yourself financially independent of your parents
6. Remember that no one owes you their friendship
7. Consider getting a pet

I'm kind of surprised this didn't happen for OP in colleges though I can see how Covid screwed up socializing. I'm an Asian-American PP who went to an Ivy and made a lot of friends who I felt really "got" me and my parents/upbringing/challenges. It makes for much healthier venting.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP - I remember seeing your last post and I'm sorry to hear you're still struggling. I think you got some good advice from the other posters but I'd also like to suggest getting involved in a local music scene.

I'm close to your age, went to ivy, etc., and always find that going out clubbing and to raves really helps when I'm sad/lonely. I go alone sometimes and always find cool people to chill and dance with, and I'm a guy, so I'd imagine you'd have an easier time of it. If house music's not your thing, I still think that other scenes might be worth looking into - good place to meet other young people who are cool. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

OP here. The range of comments here stymies me even further. I have people telling me to go to more therapy and less therapy. I have people telling me to make friends at church, make friends among other Asian Americans, and make friends in the local house music scene. I have people telling me that I seem self aware and articulate, and people telling me that I am probably a difficult person to be friends with.

One thing is clear though — I should probably move out of my parents’ house and get any sort of job.

Honestly I regret posting this. All the different advice makes me feel more confused.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. The range of comments here stymies me even further. I have people telling me to go to more therapy and less therapy. I have people telling me to make friends at church, make friends among other Asian Americans, and make friends in the local house music scene. I have people telling me that I seem self aware and articulate, and people telling me that I am probably a difficult person to be friends with.

One thing is clear though — I should probably move out of my parents’ house and get any sort of job.

Honestly I regret posting this. All the different advice makes me feel more confused.

You need to do what speaks to you. This is the trouble with advice. Only you can know what's best for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. The range of comments here stymies me even further. I have people telling me to go to more therapy and less therapy. I have people telling me to make friends at church, make friends among other Asian Americans, and make friends in the local house music scene. I have people telling me that I seem self aware and articulate, and people telling me that I am probably a difficult person to be friends with.

One thing is clear though — I should probably move out of my parents’ house and get any sort of job.

Honestly I regret posting this. All the different advice makes me feel more confused.

Ignore the negative comments on here, there are a few people who just drag every OP down on the boards. The only way to get anything out of DCUM is to realize this and ignore them completely. Just, erase from your mind what they are saying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It would be best for your well being to not live with your overbearing and critical parents. My sister was self sufficient living in a shared apartment. She then made an ill-fated choice to move into our mother’s house. Her self-esteem seemed to chip away and she lost the drive to stand on her own.

Did your sister ever find her way again?

[Anonymous]

I can relate somewhat. I'm also East Asian and the pressures you talk about are not just from parents, but from East Asian culture in general. My parents didn't put a whole lot of pressure on me but I still felt it very acutely just from the Asian-American community. I also went to a top Ivy because I felt like that was what I was supposed to do, but it really wasn't a good fit for me at all. I've struggled with depression and anxiety ever since then. I did find my way to some degree--I got married, found a decent though not high-flying job, and found a good group of friends through church. I still struggle with a lot of self-esteem issues though and often feel like an alien in this world. No advice, but just letting you know you're not alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It would be best for your well being to not live with your overbearing and critical parents. My sister was self sufficient living in a shared apartment. She then made an ill-fated choice to move into our mother’s house. Her self-esteem seemed to chip away and she lost the drive to stand on her own.

Did your sister ever find her way again?

After about 20 years, she had enough and moved to a cohousing community. This was good for her: it’s affordable and a social atmosphere filled with open-minded accepting people. Come to think of it, OP might want to look into these (do a search for “cohousing directory”).

I had a rough go at finding my tribe and felt like there was something wrong with me until long after college when—in pursuing my interests—I took a literature class from a local college and met others who saw me. Think it’s just finally meeting someone who sees you for the first time, that makes you feel right in the world.

It helps to lose everything you were taught to believe: like ranking schools and people and the rat race can be dehumanizing and make you lose yourself and miss seeing amazing people and things around you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. The range of comments here stymies me even further. I have people telling me to go to more therapy and less therapy. I have people telling me to make friends at church, make friends among other Asian Americans, and make friends in the local house music scene. I have people telling me that I seem self aware and articulate, and people telling me that I am probably a difficult person to be friends with.

One thing is clear though — I should probably move out of my parents’ house and get any sort of job.

Honestly I regret posting this. All the different advice makes me feel more confused.

OP the variety of responses confirms that only you know which road to take. Will one help you or hurt you more?? Just stop doing what you are doing. Move out, find a job in your skill set but low pressure, and find an activity with people like you so you can feel like you are among your own. You can do this but it’s time to take radical accountability for your own choices and move forward!

[Anonymous]

I grew up with some of these same parenting techniques. At some point, I needed acknowledge what was done and try to put it behind me and move forward. We can't blame our parents forever; I mean I guess we can, but it will never get us where we want to be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. The range of comments here stymies me even further. I have people telling me to go to more therapy and less therapy. I have people telling me to make friends at church, make friends among other Asian Americans, and make friends in the local house music scene. I have people telling me that I seem self aware and articulate, and people telling me that I am probably a difficult person to be friends with.

One thing is clear though — I should probably move out of my parents’ house and get any sort of job.

Honestly I regret posting this. All the different advice makes me feel more confused.

I see something completely different. I see people asking you to take action on the things you want in life. Stop seeing yourself as a reflection of someone else and do something positive that requires action so you will have positive memories to move yourself forward.

Being a camp counselor is very hard work but you did it. And you didn't get fired and you were able to deal with a lot of people all at once. Do you know how many teachers and camp counselors get burnt out? It's a very draining profession always being around a lot of children. You did fine. Stop beating yourself up that it wasn't perfect and go out and find more things like this and work on gratitude to yourself and others for what did go right.

[Anonymous]

I think the reason OP can not pick the advice that speaks to her is because she has no sense of self. She wants someone who, like her parents, will tell her what to do. This is a deep-seated problem that stems from how she was raised, but also perhaps she lacks the will and grit needed to change her situation. She may need to hit rock bottom to get out of this hole.

[Anonymous]

You should stop thinking too much about yourself and start helping others who are less fortunate, by helping others you will find yourself.
People are different that is why they give you conflicting advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the reason OP can not pick the advice that speaks to her is because she has no sense of self. She wants someone who, like her parents, will tell her what to do. This is a deep-seated problem that stems from how she was raised, but also perhaps she lacks the will and grit needed to change her situation. She may need to hit rock bottom to get out of this hole.

OP here. I think you’re right. Fingers crossed I don’t have to hit rock bottom to get there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. The range of comments here stymies me even further. I have people telling me to go to more therapy and less therapy. I have people telling me to make friends at church, make friends among other Asian Americans, and make friends in the local house music scene. I have people telling me that I seem self aware and articulate, and people telling me that I am probably a difficult person to be friends with.

One thing is clear though — I should probably move out of my parents’ house and get any sort of job.

Honestly I regret posting this. All the different advice makes me feel more confused.

This post is so typical of BPD. Textbook.