Has anyone else never “found their people” as an adult?

[Anonymous]

Are there any activities you enjoy? Have you tried rock climbing? If you get into climbing, you will need a climbing partner, the gym has a way to help people find those to climb with. Start by taking an intro class.

Or try some other activity, doesn't need to be sports, although physical activity can sometimes help clear your head/stabilize emotions.

Use the endorphins/positive feelings of that, to channel more energy into finding a job you like. Forget prestige, just focus on something that makes you want to wake up in the mornings.

When you are a happier person, people will find you, if you are open to friendships, you will find something.

Finding a nice Jewish boy would also not hurt (East Asian/Jewish couples are a real thing, I'm one of such).

[Anonymous]

Get a job and move away from parents. Not necessarily a high flying job, enough to support yourself. Do something else in the time you have. Help someone- volunteer at a shelter or a soup kitchen regularly. Or start running/swimming join a womens race training group (some are really supportive) and get some endorphins going for yourself. A good friend was a long time executive assistant but she spent all her free time doing community theater- acting, sets, shows, going to shows of people she met in the community. Work doesn't have to define you. So far all your achievement has been to get the education to get the job and once that didnt pan out the way we imagine everything crumbled. Its an insidious American thing to have hour identity tied up in your job. You are not defined by what you do for a living if you dont want to be.
24 is so so young, you have accomplished enough through sheer grit. Now you can go figure out what you actually want to do with your life.

[Anonymous]

In my mid 20's I left my job and went backpacking in Asia (Vietnam, Cambodia and Thailand) for 2 months. It was a great experience (although there were some bad moments) and I learned more about who I am and that I'm fine not being like other people.
If it seems like too big of a step, there are travel companies that cater to young group travelers (at the time Intrepid, a company out of the UK, was popular).
You may also use that trip to reconnect with some of your family back in Asia (altho warning that they may expect money from you)

[Anonymous]

I think you should lean into your strengths of hard work and academic achievement and make them a positive part of you rather than a negative. There are tons of introverted people like this. You don't need to be the best at anything but these traits will actually help you shine if you just stop making a competition out of them and enjoy the strengths they've brought you.

Move out of your parents' house and find a job that pays a decent amount and provides some growth without being overwhelming work.

Join social skills groups and meetups on things you are interested in and really make conversation with others and friendships your extracurricular activity to focus on. You will meet others if you stop feeling sorry for yourself that you weren't the next big thing and are just an intellectual person living in the world. If you are in DC that's pretty much half of the people here. You will find your people.

There are udemy and other classes on conversation you can take and there is what seems to be a cool conversation program you can do called jaunty. Look it up. I would do jaunty and a couple of meetups and find a cheap place to live for a year and a job and then eventually move into a job that you want to spend more time at. I joined several social programs through my college alumni group and they were fun. Mostly sports but they also had some other events.

Did you read the post about the guy who wanted to travel for a couple of years and work on his fitness and social skills after college before starting a job and the mom was worried about momentum after college? You probably need a couple of years like that man did to shore up your weaknesses and hone your strengths.

[Anonymous]

Also if your parents have money and you think you are on the spectrum there are autism spectrum group tours to Asia you can do that are both social and help you with mental health issues.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP. First, please don't throw yourself off a bridge. Please.

Second, yes, I'm a person that found my people in my 20s, after college. I felt like an outsider and an alien through most of my life, and couldn't understand why I existed. This was a while ago, but stumbled into a social group that was peculiar but felt like home; meant everything to me at that time.

Go out, go to groups, do sport activities (if that suits you). Meet people in places without alcohol or sexual expectations (e.g., not bars).

[Anonymous]

This is what happens you guzzle western boss girl capitalist achievement culture bs full speed for 20+ years.

You need to unplug from the matrix and find your own identity. Muh ivy, muh MBB, these are all corporate drone tools. Your parents were singularly obsessed with achievement and financial stability with no sense of true identity or self worth.

Have you ever considered that you don't have BPD? Do you really trust these endless faceless mental health professionals and therapists? Do you ever wonder why the first thing people advise is "get a therapist?"

Everything you have slaved for is built on lies and illusion. The fact that you unironically believed and worked so hard for shallow externalities is now manifesting itself. Along the way you didn't make friends or build any meaningful relationships.

Do with this information what you will.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is what happens you guzzle western boss girl capitalist achievement culture bs full speed for 20+ years.

You need to unplug from the matrix and find your own identity. Muh ivy, muh MBB, these are all corporate drone tools. Your parents were singularly obsessed with achievement and financial stability with no sense of true identity or self worth.

Have you ever considered that you don't have BPD? Do you really trust these endless faceless mental health professionals and therapists? Do you ever wonder why the first thing people advise is "get a therapist?"

Everything you have slaved for is built on lies and illusion. The fact that you unironically believed and worked so hard for shallow externalities is now manifesting itself. Along the way you didn't make friends or build any meaningful relationships.

Do with this information what you will.

OP here. I've had the same thoughts as you (my parents pushed American capitalist girl bossing on me, I don't actually have BPD, I'm only suicidal because I don't have any relationships, therapy is useless, etc). But I think I really do have BPD. The extensive suicidal ideation and lack of identity, as well as neediness in relationships, really rings true to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is there a church or cultural connection you could explore? I feel like you could find another introverted person from your same East Asian background to date. Easier said than done, I get it. But you’d gain esteem in your family probably and have a person at your side who really understands your struggles.

What’s the equivalent of a “nice Jewish boy?” Get yourself one of those.

OP here. This post made me cry because my ex boyfriend (who I dated for a year and then promptly broke up with me in January, three days before I got fired from MBB) was a textbook NJB. He was a kind, gentle Jewish boy from a very Jewish Boston suburb, and he fell in love with me after our first Hinge date because "I was beautiful" and "so sensitive." But he broke up with me after a year because I'm "miserable to be around" and "completely joyless" and just "absolutely depressed all the time." He told me that he never felt good around me, and that I was extremely needy in our relationship.

I think my neediness makes a lot of sense in retrospect. My NJB ex-boyfriend was the first genuine, long-term relationship I've been in (whether that's platonic or romantic), and I put a lot of expectations on him to meet all of my needs -- romantic, sexual, and friendship-wise. Neediness is also a key cornerstone of BPD.

I think I need to figure myself out and develop some rewarding friendships before I can go into a relationship again. I'm still really upset about our breakup (I spent nearly every day in January and February crying about our breakup as well as being laid off by MBB).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get into a reputable DBT program and do the work. It will help re-train your brain on how to think.

OP here. For all of last year (2023), I was in a DBT program (met once a week with a DBT group and once a week with a DBT therapist). I "graduated" from the DBT program in December, about a month before I got fired from MBB and my boyfriend broke up with me. I reached out to my old DBT therapist when this happened, and she referred me to a type of therapy called Transference Focused Therapy.

Apparently Transference Focused Therapy is supposed to "reparent" me (similar to IFS or inner child work) to "solve" my personality disorder. I haven't looked into this type of therapy ever since I moved home; it's very expensive, and insurance doesn't usually cover it. Not a good recipe for an unemployed person.

[Anonymous]

Yes. And I am 46.

A lot of people don’t “find their people.”

Adjust your expectations.

[Anonymous]

You've had some bad luck. Not having your people is a result of things out of your control. Moving so often in high school, COVID in college, going to a college and first job that weren't a fit (ok, that's a little in your control but you were guided that way and doing what you were told was the right thing). There's really no way you'd have people at this point.
You're correctly feeling behind on this front. But I think you need to take control. Move somewhere you want to live, get a job doing something you want to do. Proactively seek out a mate. I'd focus on that, not friends. If you find a great guy and start a life together, you'll make friends much more easily than making friends on your own. And when you have kids, it gets even easier.
Controversial take- I think 20-somethings are getting bad mental health care. I applaud so many in this generation seeking therapy and I 100% agree with medication. But there's too much time dissecting and re-living and constantly analyzing the emotions. I'd consider LESS therapy, not more. Find the medication that works to stabilize your moods and keep thoughts of self-harm at bay, but keep it to a minimum beyond that

[Anonymous]

Instead of having BPD, could you be on the spectrum? I suggest this because you mention not having made many/any friends, whereas BPD is typically characterized by lots of quick and intense friendships. Many women on the spectrum get misdiagnosed with BPD instead.

[Anonymous]

I relate, 100%. Also East Asian. I didn't find my people in college. I went to grad school. Didn't find my people there either. I went into the work force, utter failure. I can't really tell you when things fell into place because it all happened so slowly and there was a lot of one step forward, two steps back in there. I met my husband. I left the area where my family was and started a new life elsewhere. My son is in private school, turned down a spot at a known "pressure cooker" for one that gets continually dogged on this forum, but my kids are happy, exploring who they are and I'm trying really hard not to have history repeat itself. I honestly feel content now, even though I gave up so much of what I was working towards.

[Anonymous]

OP here. For all of last year (2023), I was in a DBT program (met once a week with a DBT group and once a week with a DBT therapist). I "graduated" from the DBT program in December, about a month before I got fired from MBB and my boyfriend broke up with me. I reached out to my old DBT therapist when this happened, and she referred me to a type of therapy called Transference Focused Therapy.

Apparently Transference Focused Therapy is supposed to "reparent" me (similar to IFS or inner child work) to "solve" my personality disorder. I haven't looked into this type of therapy ever since I moved home; it's very expensive, and insurance doesn't usually cover it. Not a good recipe for an unemployed person.

OP, this sounds like DBT-informed therapy but NOT a full DBT program. Please research comprehensive program; it is tge gold standard for BPD.

https://thebethesdagroup.com/services/dbt/