Caught between two men

[Anonymous]

New guy is 38?
He will want to get married and put a baby in you within 18 months. If you’re down for that timeline, keep it moving forward with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would say forget about the back story for a second.

What are the other good things about your ex? Who’s more kind? Even tempered? Stable? Emotionally intelligent? Good in a conflict? Better at communicating and problem solving?

You don’t really know the new guy yet.

Also both of them are a little late to not get married. What’s the deal with that?

OP here.

My ex is a better communicator and more even tempered. Nothing ever really gets him upset, and even when it does, he handles things calmly. We were able to resolve any fights or conflict we had very well.

Current bf is more stable in terms of being settled and ready for marriage/kids. He’s also a good communicator but not as even tempered. He doesn’t get mad often, but he can get angry when very upset. He still handles his emotions well.

Both are kind, have treated me well, respectful, good in bed ( ex is slightly better), faithful, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:New guy is 38?
He will want to get married and put a baby in you within 18 months. If you’re down for that timeline, keep it moving forward with him.

OP here. We’re not interested in moving that fast.

[Anonymous]

OP - 40M here exiting a marriage after 10 years with two young kids. To state the obvious, he’s reaching out because he realizes he’s probably going to lose you in this new relationship. Even if it’s going perfect, you have history and depth with this other person. I don’t see a lot of harm in meeting him as a starting point.

You’ll need to feel out why he’s reaching out- did something change on his side or is he just trying to see if you’re still within reach. Don’t assume he’s all in on you.

Also 38 unmarried is a huge red flag no matter what people are saying here. That’s a risk you’d be foolish not to consider.

See your old guy in a non romantic way- coffee or something that will give you air cover if current guy would find that threatening. As pp pointed out you should know quickly where things stand.

Whatever it takes to create a happy life for yourself

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been seeing a guy for 4 months. I’ve been enjoying getting to know him and I was excited for what could be. Today I randomly got a text from my ex-bf that he was moving back and would love to reconnect.

Ex backstory: We were together for 2.5 years. I planned on marrying him. He got a job offered within his company for a promotion and he took it. We tried to make long distance work but I ended it after 6 months apart. His job would eventually move him back but there was never a concrete timeline. He didn’t want to get married/have kids until we both lived in the same state again. I ultimately decided timing wasn’t on his side and that we needed to move on. I didn’t want to wait up to 3 years. The break up was very hard and we I eventually broke contact completely to move on.

New guy: I met him 5 months after breaking up with my ex. We were set up by friends. It’s been going really well but still very early.

I haven’t replied to my ex yet or I should. Moving on from him was incredibly difficult, and I’m not sure if I could ever go through that again. I also deep down never stopped loving him. The new guy I like too and I can see myself falling in love with him. He’s also very aligned with my timeline and we have a lot of fun together. I didn’t think I would find anyone else after my ex until I met him.

You weren't willing to move for the first guy?

OP here. I have a contract with my job that I’m locked into until 2026. I open myself up to a lawsuit if I break it.

Our plan was to do long distance until my contract was up and/or we had a definitive timeline. Long distance was much harder than I thought and our schedules never aligned. We saw each other only once in those 6 months. He told me he could be there for 3 years and that he didn’t want to get married/have kids until we were together again. I was 31 ( now 32) and did not want to wait that long to get married /have kids.

I felt like I was sacrificing a lot but he wasn’t sacrificing anything.

That in itself was a red flag, I think - the fact that it was all on his terms; you had to do all of the compromising and sacrificing. And then you only saw each other once…

I would tell him you’re seeing someone and call it a day.

OP here. When I say I felt like I was sacrificing, I meant that I felt like me putting marriage/kids on hold for possibly up to 3 years was more of a sacrifice than it was for him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - 40M here exiting a marriage after 10 years with two young kids. To state the obvious, he’s reaching out because he realizes he’s probably going to lose you in this new relationship. Even if it’s going perfect, you have history and depth with this other person. I don’t see a lot of harm in meeting him as a starting point.

You’ll need to feel out why he’s reaching out- did something change on his side or is he just trying to see if you’re still within reach. Don’t assume he’s all in on you.

Also 38 unmarried is a huge red flag no matter what people are saying here. That’s a risk you’d be foolish not to consider.

See your old guy in a non romantic way- coffee or something that will give you air cover if current guy would find that threatening. As pp pointed out you should know quickly where things stand.

Whatever it takes to create a happy life for yourself

OP here. My current guy is 38, not my ex. My ex is 35.

I don’t see it as much of an issue. Many people are waiting later in life for marriage/kids. Sometimes it takes longer for the right one if you’re just not ready until you’re older.

[Anonymous]

It's easy to fall back to what's comfortable. Don't go back to your ex just because he's "back". You two weren't on the same page anyway (marriage/kids). Why return now when you've met a man who does more align with you?

Of course you love your ex more. You are comparing 2.5 years to five months. Use common sense and logic. If you think there's a future with the new guy at least stick it out and see where it goes. If your ex really is 'the one' he'll be around if this new guy doesn't work out.

Else, instead of losing one man you will have lost two.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did ex move back after only ~11 months? Uprooting your life and relocating at 33 or so is hard enough, but to turn around and do it again a year later? When the original intent was to be there indefinitely or at least >3 years?

That’s a huge red flag to me. He seems unstable.

OP here. His new job that he is overseeing got fast tracked and he moved back. It’s been a year. I’m not sure where you got where he would gone for at lest 3 years - I said he could be gone for up to 3 years. We knew he would be able to move back by the 3 year mark but were unsure if it would be sooner than that.

OK, if he was only going to be gone a *maximum* of 3 years and didn’t propose, He’s Just Not That Into You.

Don’t prioritize him over the new guy. Consequences have actions, he left you and you moved on. What else did he think would happen? That you’d be waiting on your doorstep for him to return?

If he wants another shot, and you want him to, let him prove his mettle again. It should not be as if it were picking up right back up where things were, HE left YOU.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's easy to fall back to what's comfortable. Don't go back to your ex just because he's "back". You two weren't on the same page anyway (marriage/kids). Why return now when you've met a man who does more align with you?

Of course you love your ex more. You are comparing 2.5 years to five months. Use common sense and logic. If you think there's a future with the new guy at least stick it out and see where it goes. If your ex really is 'the one' he'll be around if this new guy doesn't work out.

Else, instead of losing one man you will have lost two.

Bad, bad advice if you want kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - 40M here exiting a marriage after 10 years with two young kids. To state the obvious, he’s reaching out because he realizes he’s probably going to lose you in this new relationship. Even if it’s going perfect, you have history and depth with this other person. I don’t see a lot of harm in meeting him as a starting point.

You’ll need to feel out why he’s reaching out- did something change on his side or is he just trying to see if you’re still within reach. Don’t assume he’s all in on you.

Also 38 unmarried is a huge red flag no matter what people are saying here. That’s a risk you’d be foolish not to consider.

See your old guy in a non romantic way- coffee or something that will give you air cover if current guy would find that threatening. As pp pointed out you should know quickly where things stand.

Whatever it takes to create a happy life for yourself

OP here. My current guy is 38, not my ex. My ex is 35.

I don’t see it as much of an issue. Many people are waiting later in life for marriage/kids. Sometimes it takes longer for the right one if you’re just not ready until you’re older.

PP- yes I know your current guy is 38. You can believe whatever you want about that, it's your life. Recommend seeing your old guy no harm

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did ex move back after only ~11 months? Uprooting your life and relocating at 33 or so is hard enough, but to turn around and do it again a year later? When the original intent was to be there indefinitely or at least >3 years?

That’s a huge red flag to me. He seems unstable.

OP here. His new job that he is overseeing got fast tracked and he moved back. It’s been a year. I’m not sure where you got where he would gone for at lest 3 years - I said he could be gone for up to 3 years. We knew he would be able to move back by the 3 year mark but were unsure if it would be sooner than that.

OK, if he was only going to be gone a *maximum* of 3 years and didn’t propose, He’s Just Not That Into You.

Don’t prioritize him over the new guy. Consequences have actions, he left you and you moved on. What else did he think would happen? That you’d be waiting on your doorstep for him to return?

If he wants another shot, and you want him to, let him prove his mettle again. It should not be as if it were picking up right back up where things were, HE left YOU.

Why would he reach back out then?

[Anonymous]

If you want kids, I would pick the guy who seems like the better father. Most stable, less temper, reliable. Would make sure ex wants to marry and have kids before agreeing to date him again. If he won’t, then pick the other guy. If he does, then I would go with the ex. New guy anger issues will only get worse.

[Anonymous]

Ex wants a soft landing.

[Anonymous]

Put your x on back burner.

[Anonymous]

If you want a checklist life go with current guy.

If you want a partner you'll like and love when you're 60 work it out with your ex.