Caught between two men

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would say forget about the back story for a second.

What are the other good things about your ex? Who’s more kind? Even tempered? Stable? Emotionally intelligent? Good in a conflict? Better at communicating and problem solving?

You don’t really know the new guy yet.

Also both of them are a little late to not get married. What’s the deal with that?

OP here.

My ex is a better communicator and more even tempered. Nothing ever really gets him upset, and even when it does, he handles things calmly. We were able to resolve any fights or conflict we had very well.

Current bf is more stable in terms of being settled and ready for marriage/kids. He’s also a good communicator but not as even tempered. He doesn’t get mad often, but he can get angry when very upset. He still handles his emotions well.

Both are kind, have treated me well, respectful, good in bed ( ex is slightly better), faithful, etc.

Um, you’ve only been dating four months. What’s happened that you’ve seen him angry about?

+1 and how did it manifest? Please share. This is very relevant,

OP here.

One time one of his friends made a joke about sleeping with me ( over the line) while drunk and he got angry. He didn’t yell or scream but he was visibly pissed off and wanted to leave.

Another time someone cut him off him traffic and he screamed out of the window at them.

Nothing major but my ex was not like that. He never let much get him upset, and even when he was, he never showed outward anger.

Listen to an old lady who is getting divorced. Go with your ex. You sound like you’re over emphasizing the relationship timeline, not the person. That is NOT a good thing to do.

Too late; she booted the ex, then the new BF dumped her.

Absolutely correct, though, that all along she's been focused on timelines and finding a husband and baby daddy on her schedule.

OP, take a break from all dating and get your head together. You are seeing a timeline, not individual people. And neither of these men was that into you, nor were you as into them as you want to convince yourself you were. You need to cool your jets, stop dating, and do some serious consideration of what mature relationships and love really are.

I actually think first ex was really into her, but OP threw it away for her timeline. She; 's also lucky her most recent ex showed his true colors and that's the problem with being overly committed to timelines OP, it can led you astray.

OP here. My ex and I were very much in love. I just felt like I couldn’t put my life on hold for up to 3 years without some stronger commitment. He didn’t want to get engaged during that time and I started to have doubts that it would work out for us. I didn’t want to lose my chance at being a mother I was already 31 when he moved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I met my ex for dinner tonight. We are going to give our relationship another chance.

I’m still in love with my ex and I just didn’t want to admit that to myself. Moving on was incredibly hard. The new ex was a nice guy but I just didn’t feel super into him. I didn’t meet my ex the first time to hurt him. I genuinely wanted to see him. I feel like I’ve been trying to convince myself that I didn’t love my ex so that I could move on.

you're a hotass mess!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I met my ex for dinner tonight. We are going to give our relationship another chance.

I’m still in love with my ex and I just didn’t want to admit that to myself. Moving on was incredibly hard. The new ex was a nice guy but I just didn’t feel super into him. I didn’t meet my ex the first time to hurt him. I genuinely wanted to see him. I feel like I’ve been trying to convince myself that I didn’t love my ex so that I could move on.

you're a hotass mess!

+100. At dinner two days ago you basically dumped him and said you had a boyfriend and he lost his chance. Now it’s 48 hrs later and you guys are back together? What a Drama Llama!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I met my ex for dinner tonight. We are going to give our relationship another chance.

I’m still in love with my ex and I just didn’t want to admit that to myself. Moving on was incredibly hard. The new ex was a nice guy but I just didn’t feel super into him. I didn’t meet my ex the first time to hurt him. I genuinely wanted to see him. I feel like I’ve been trying to convince myself that I didn’t love my ex so that I could move on.

Now it's all about love in this post...but have you told him it's really about you wanting that baby ASAP on your ideal timeline?

And his return now, after one year away, instead of three, is oh so convenient for that timeline? Well, convenient for him too, because he's back in town and finds his ex ready to leap back into a relationship and sex with him.

I suspect you and your former-ex-now-instantly-committed-BF might have different definitions of what "give our relationship another chance" actually means, and we'll hear from you again pretty soon when he's not as quick to put a ring on it and start babymaking as you want him to be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I met my ex for dinner tonight. We are going to give our relationship another chance.

I’m still in love with my ex and I just didn’t want to admit that to myself. Moving on was incredibly hard. The new ex was a nice guy but I just didn’t feel super into him. I didn’t meet my ex the first time to hurt him. I genuinely wanted to see him. I feel like I’ve been trying to convince myself that I didn’t love my ex so that I could move on.

Now it's all about love in this post...but have you told him it's really about you wanting that baby ASAP on your ideal timeline?

And his return now, after one year away, instead of three, is oh so convenient for that timeline? Well, convenient for him too, because he's back in town and finds his ex ready to leap back into a relationship and sex with him.

I suspect you and your former-ex-now-instantly-committed-BF might have different definitions of what "give our relationship another chance" actually means, and we'll hear from you again pretty soon when he's not as quick to put a ring on it and start babymaking as you want him to be.

OP here. I don’t just want him to have kids. I fell in love with him 3 months into our relationship and have always loved him. I would love to get married and have kids but I’m not in a crazy rush for any if it.

I was 31 when he left and likely could have been 34 if he was gone for 3 years ( most of his co-workers were gone for 3 years). Then I would be 35 when we got married and kids wouldn’t happen until 37/38. Women have a small window to conceive and I didn’t want to have to wait that long. If he would have compromised and got engaged I would have had more reassurance in our relationship. We talked about getting engaged and married before he got the promotion and then that was all placed on hold.

I don’t think either of us were selfish. He chose a career move that he worked hard for. I decided that I wanted a guy who was more ready for marriage and kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - 40M here exiting a marriage after 10 years with two young kids. To state the obvious, he’s reaching out because he realizes he’s probably going to lose you in this new relationship. Even if it’s going perfect, you have history and depth with this other person. I don’t see a lot of harm in meeting him as a starting point.

You’ll need to feel out why he’s reaching out- did something change on his side or is he just trying to see if you’re still within reach. Don’t assume he’s all in on you.

Also 38 unmarried is a huge red flag no matter what people are saying here. That’s a risk you’d be foolish not to consider.

See your old guy in a non romantic way- coffee or something that will give you air cover if current guy would find that threatening. As pp pointed out you should know quickly where things stand.

Whatever it takes to create a happy life for yourself

OP- glad you guys are back at it. Life is short, be kind to yourself and your "ex." Enjoy your window to call the shots a bit. It shuts fast which you seem to realize. Also would not share this thread with him

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. My current bf broke up with me. So now I’m single.

Why?

OP here. I didn’t want to hide anything so I told him I want with my ex to close that chapter. He said I cheated for even meeting him and he doesn’t trust me. He blocked me on everything.

Now you know why he’s 38 and single.

Flaky women.

[Anonymous]

Ok.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I met my ex for dinner tonight. We are going to give our relationship another chance.

I’m still in love with my ex and I just didn’t want to admit that to myself. Moving on was incredibly hard. The new ex was a nice guy but I just didn’t feel super into him. I didn’t meet my ex the first time to hurt him. I genuinely wanted to see him. I feel like I’ve been trying to convince myself that I didn’t love my ex so that I could move on.

Now it's all about love in this post...but have you told him it's really about you wanting that baby ASAP on your ideal timeline?

And his return now, after one year away, instead of three, is oh so convenient for that timeline? Well, convenient for him too, because he's back in town and finds his ex ready to leap back into a relationship and sex with him.

I suspect you and your former-ex-now-instantly-committed-BF might have different definitions of what "give our relationship another chance" actually means, and we'll hear from you again pretty soon when he's not as quick to put a ring on it and start babymaking as you want him to be.

OP here. I don’t just want him to have kids. I fell in love with him 3 months into our relationship and have always loved him. I would love to get married and have kids but I’m not in a crazy rush for any if it.

I was 31 when he left and likely could have been 34 if he was gone for 3 years ( most of his co-workers were gone for 3 years). Then I would be 35 when we got married and kids wouldn’t happen until 37/38. Women have a small window to conceive and I didn’t want to have to wait that long. If he would have compromised and got engaged I would have had more reassurance in our relationship. We talked about getting engaged and married before he got the promotion and then that was all placed on hold.

I don’t think either of us were selfish. He chose a career move that he worked hard for. I decided that I wanted a guy who was more ready for marriage and kids.

A warning for you, OP: You "don't just want him to have kids" yet you revert quickly to your timeline, window to conceive, etc. None of that means he is on board with marriage and kids now, or even soon, despite whatever the talk re: engagement was before he moved away.

You also seem like a person who is so focused on your fertility and kid timeline that if you end up having difficulty conceiving--or failing to conceive, ever--you may end up crushed. This can be a recipe for ending a marriage unless you and he both are happy with each other and as a couple and able to accept that a bio child isn't in the cards. I think you don't really realize how you're coming across here as extremely focused on children and your timeline, even though you claim you're "not in a crazy rush for it." You say it's no crazy rush, yet you keep circling back to ages, time apart, future ages at possible conception, etc. I hope you and he can have a super strong relationship that is about the two of you and not vulnerable to a split if kids don't happen. Because you cannot guarantee kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:He tried to get you back for months? This is new info. You are the problem. You should not have met up with him at all. You are awful.

OP here. I didn’t think that was super relevant. I ended the relationship. He made a number of attempts to get back with me but I had already made up just mind that point. I didn’t want to wait until he got home to start our lives together. I felt like there was no compromise and the sacrifice was all from me. It wasn’t an easy decision but I just couldn’t wait around for up to 3 years to get engaged/married/have kids. The way I looked at it was I was 31. If he was gone for 3 years, I would be 34. We get engaged and married at 35. Then he said he wanted to be married for a couple of years before we had kids. That would put having kids at 37/38. I don’t want to miss my chance at motherhood.

It was relevant and you know that so you deliberately took it out to get people on your side.
It was also cold of you to have coffee with him you could have simply texted him back saying thanks but no thanks.
But you wanted to get a kick in.
You're just a mean spirited and dramatic person.
As someone else said He is better off without you and he will see what a blessing it is someday.
You however good luck being married to and raising kids with a man who has an anger problem

OP here. I’m not dramatic. It was honestly nice to see him and I felt it was better to do it in person than over text. I wanted to hear what he had to say because I still wasn't 100% sure of what I wanted to do.

Whatever. girl.

Yep.
There should be a clear winner.
If you can't pick one, pick none.