Caught between two men

[Anonymous]

I’ve been seeing a guy for 4 months. I’ve been enjoying getting to know him and I was excited for what could be. Today I randomly got a text from my ex-bf that he was moving back and would love to reconnect.

Ex backstory: We were together for 2.5 years. I planned on marrying him. He got a job offered within his company for a promotion and he took it. We tried to make long distance work but I ended it after 6 months apart. His job would eventually move him back but there was never a concrete timeline. He didn’t want to get married/have kids until we both lived in the same state again. I ultimately decided timing wasn’t on his side and that we needed to move on. I didn’t want to wait up to 3 years. The break up was very hard and we I eventually broke contact completely to move on.

New guy: I met him 5 months after breaking up with my ex. We were set up by friends. It’s been going really well but still very early.

I haven’t replied to my ex yet or I should. Moving on from him was incredibly difficult, and I’m not sure if I could ever go through that again. I also deep down never stopped loving him. The new guy I like too and I can see myself falling in love with him. He’s also very aligned with my timeline and we have a lot of fun together. I didn’t think I would find anyone else after my ex until I met him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been seeing a guy for 4 months. I’ve been enjoying getting to know him and I was excited for what could be. Today I randomly got a text from my ex-bf that he was moving back and would love to reconnect.

Ex backstory: We were together for 2.5 years. I planned on marrying him. He got a job offered within his company for a promotion and he took it. We tried to make long distance work but I ended it after 6 months apart. His job would eventually move him back but there was never a concrete timeline. He didn’t want to get married/have kids until we both lived in the same state again. I ultimately decided timing wasn’t on his side and that we needed to move on. I didn’t want to wait up to 3 years. The break up was very hard and we I eventually broke contact completely to move on.

New guy: I met him 5 months after breaking up with my ex. We were set up by friends. It’s been going really well but still very early.

I haven’t replied to my ex yet or I should. Moving on from him was incredibly difficult, and I’m not sure if I could ever go through that again. I also deep down never stopped loving him. The new guy I like too and I can see myself falling in love with him. He’s also very aligned with my timeline and we have a lot of fun together. I didn’t think I would find anyone else after my ex until I met him.

You weren't willing to move for the first guy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been seeing a guy for 4 months. I’ve been enjoying getting to know him and I was excited for what could be. Today I randomly got a text from my ex-bf that he was moving back and would love to reconnect.

Ex backstory: We were together for 2.5 years. I planned on marrying him. He got a job offered within his company for a promotion and he took it. We tried to make long distance work but I ended it after 6 months apart. His job would eventually move him back but there was never a concrete timeline. He didn’t want to get married/have kids until we both lived in the same state again. I ultimately decided timing wasn’t on his side and that we needed to move on. I didn’t want to wait up to 3 years. The break up was very hard and we I eventually broke contact completely to move on.

New guy: I met him 5 months after breaking up with my ex. We were set up by friends. It’s been going really well but still very early.

I haven’t replied to my ex yet or I should. Moving on from him was incredibly difficult, and I’m not sure if I could ever go through that again. I also deep down never stopped loving him. The new guy I like too and I can see myself falling in love with him. He’s also very aligned with my timeline and we have a lot of fun together. I didn’t think I would find anyone else after my ex until I met him.

You weren't willing to move for the first guy?

OP here. I have a contract with my job that I’m locked into until 2026. I open myself up to a lawsuit if I break it.

Our plan was to do long distance until my contract was up and/or we had a definitive timeline. Long distance was much harder than I thought and our schedules never aligned. We saw each other only once in those 6 months. He told me he could be there for 3 years and that he didn’t want to get married/have kids until we were together again. I was 31 ( now 32) and did not want to wait that long to get married /have kids.

I felt like I was sacrificing a lot but he wasn’t sacrificing anything.

[Anonymous]

I might wait, there’s no reason to think the chemistry is still going to be there, meet him out and if you can feel it you’ll know it.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like he picked his job over you. This board is full of women who thought that was a good bet so long as the money flowed, but wound up in miserable marriages when the kids came and the man never changed. He showed you what his priorities are, I guess it's up to you if that's what you want, but don't expect more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like he picked his job over you. This board is full of women who thought that was a good bet so long as the money flowed, but wound up in miserable marriages when the kids came and the man never changed. He showed you what his priorities are, I guess it's up to you if that's what you want, but don't expect more.

OP here. He discussed it with me but it was a good opportunity that he likely wouldn’t get again. He has worked at his job since he got out of the military. It was always his dream to move up and get to where he is now. I didn’t want to squander what he worked over a decade for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like he picked his job over you. This board is full of women who thought that was a good bet so long as the money flowed, but wound up in miserable marriages when the kids came and the man never changed. He showed you what his priorities are, I guess it's up to you if that's what you want, but don't expect more.

I don’t think so. If it was a good opportunity, then the move made sense. I’d think differently if they had gotten engaged before. I also don’t think it’s a bad thing if someone prioritizes a career (is ambition all that evil?).

I see a lot of long-distance relationships in my industry. Some marriages are long distance (indefinitely). I dealt with distance three times. It’s hard. The two that were hardest (and didn’t survive) had indefinite/unclear timelines. The third I married but at the cost of giving up my career. We can’t have it all.

[Anonymous]

OP there's a lot to be said for not re-evaluating life choices. If you see things going well with the new guy, keep going. If this ex was your guy, there'd be no debate. Leave the past in the past and give the new relationship your attention. In my experience, things don't work out for lots of reasons, and the timing is only part of it. If we want things to work out, they do.

[Anonymous]

I have friends who were together for seven years (met young), got grad school scholarships halfway across the world, broke up in the first year apart, dated other people, moved back home four years later, got back together, now have been married 4 years and have a cute kid together. They’re super happy. Life is not linear. If you love him and miss him AND trust his character, at least meet up with him.

[Anonymous]

You lucky to have two guys. I have met only one such man in my long life.
Give the old guy one more chance.

[Anonymous]

Spit roast

[Anonymous]

You only saw each other once in six months.

Team New Guy

[Anonymous]

I would not meet up with the ex until you're sure that you and the current guy will not get married. The ex can wait.

[Anonymous]

Can you give us the ages of everyone involved?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP there's a lot to be said for not re-evaluating life choices. If you see things going well with the new guy, keep going. If this ex was your guy, there'd be no debate. Leave the past in the past and give the new relationship your attention. In my experience, things don't work out for lots of reasons, and the timing is only part of it. If we want things to work out, they do.

+1. I'll also ask - were you happy to be with New Guy the week before your ex texted? If yes, don't look back.