Caught between two men

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You only saw each other once in six months.

Team New Guy

OP here. He was working a lot and was away in parts of the new state for 1-3 weeks at a time training.

I also work weekends sometimes and our schedules just never matched up. The weekends he was off, I had to work, and the times I was off, he was working or away at training.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can you give us the ages of everyone involved?

OP here. I’m just turned 32 this month. New guy is 38. Ex is 35.

[Anonymous]

OP with the ages mentioned, move on. If marriage and kids are something you want, you need to be intentional. Being wishy washy at this age can really change the trajectory of your life (ask me how I know). To be clear, this isn't a missive to "settle" for new guy, who it seems you like. It's a recommendation to take your eyes off the rearview mirror, which at 32, you will regret if you don't.

[Anonymous]

I would say forget about the back story for a second.

What are the other good things about your ex? Who’s more kind? Even tempered? Stable? Emotionally intelligent? Good in a conflict? Better at communicating and problem solving?

You don’t really know the new guy yet.

Also both of them are a little late to not get married. What’s the deal with that?

[Anonymous]

Your ex already picked something else instead of you. How do you know he won’t do it again in a year, after the nice new guy moves on and finds someone else?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would say forget about the back story for a second.

What are the other good things about your ex? Who’s more kind? Even tempered? Stable? Emotionally intelligent? Good in a conflict? Better at communicating and problem solving?

You don’t really know the new guy yet.

Also both of them are a little late to not get married. What’s the deal with that?

35 and 38 is not “ a little late to get married”. Many people are getting married later in life.

[Anonymous]

You said you never stopped loving him. There is your answer. You barely know the new guy. You are young. Not old.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been seeing a guy for 4 months. I’ve been enjoying getting to know him and I was excited for what could be. Today I randomly got a text from my ex-bf that he was moving back and would love to reconnect.

Ex backstory: We were together for 2.5 years. I planned on marrying him. He got a job offered within his company for a promotion and he took it. We tried to make long distance work but I ended it after 6 months apart. His job would eventually move him back but there was never a concrete timeline. He didn’t want to get married/have kids until we both lived in the same state again. I ultimately decided timing wasn’t on his side and that we needed to move on. I didn’t want to wait up to 3 years. The break up was very hard and we I eventually broke contact completely to move on.

New guy: I met him 5 months after breaking up with my ex. We were set up by friends. It’s been going really well but still very early.

I haven’t replied to my ex yet or I should. Moving on from him was incredibly difficult, and I’m not sure if I could ever go through that again. I also deep down never stopped loving him. The new guy I like too and I can see myself falling in love with him. He’s also very aligned with my timeline and we have a lot of fun together. I didn’t think I would find anyone else after my ex until I met him.

You weren't willing to move for the first guy?

OP here. I have a contract with my job that I’m locked into until 2026. I open myself up to a lawsuit if I break it.

Our plan was to do long distance until my contract was up and/or we had a definitive timeline. Long distance was much harder than I thought and our schedules never aligned. We saw each other only once in those 6 months. He told me he could be there for 3 years and that he didn’t want to get married/have kids until we were together again. I was 31 ( now 32) and did not want to wait that long to get married /have kids.

I felt like I was sacrificing a lot but he wasn’t sacrificing anything.

That in itself was a red flag, I think - the fact that it was all on his terms; you had to do all of the compromising and sacrificing. And then you only saw each other once…

I would tell him you’re seeing someone and call it a day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your ex already picked something else instead of you. How do you know he won’t do it again in a year, after the nice new guy moves on and finds someone else?

+1 you did not factor into his decision-making, and he did not fight for your relationship, or adjust his own timeline to make things work (i.e. you had to be in the same location to get engaged/married, etc.). I would be wary of returning to this relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like he picked his job over you. This board is full of women who thought that was a good bet so long as the money flowed, but wound up in miserable marriages when the kids came and the man never changed. He showed you what his priorities are, I guess it's up to you if that's what you want, but don't expect more.

OP here. He discussed it with me but it was a good opportunity that he likely wouldn’t get again. He has worked at his job since he got out of the military. It was always his dream to move up and get to where he is now. I didn’t want to squander what he worked over a decade for.

And yet - “ I feel like I sacrificed a lot but he didn’t sacrifice anything.”

[Anonymous]

Why did ex move back after only ~11 months? Uprooting your life and relocating at 33 or so is hard enough, but to turn around and do it again a year later? When the original intent was to be there indefinitely or at least >3 years?

That’s a huge red flag to me. He seems unstable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been seeing a guy for 4 months. I’ve been enjoying getting to know him and I was excited for what could be. Today I randomly got a text from my ex-bf that he was moving back and would love to reconnect.

Ex backstory: We were together for 2.5 years. I planned on marrying him. He got a job offered within his company for a promotion and he took it. We tried to make long distance work but I ended it after 6 months apart. His job would eventually move him back but there was never a concrete timeline. He didn’t want to get married/have kids until we both lived in the same state again. I ultimately decided timing wasn’t on his side and that we needed to move on. I didn’t want to wait up to 3 years. The break up was very hard and we I eventually broke contact completely to move on.

New guy: I met him 5 months after breaking up with my ex. We were set up by friends. It’s been going really well but still very early.

I haven’t replied to my ex yet or I should. Moving on from him was incredibly difficult, and I’m not sure if I could ever go through that again. I also deep down never stopped loving him. The new guy I like too and I can see myself falling in love with him. He’s also very aligned with my timeline and we have a lot of fun together. I didn’t think I would find anyone else after my ex until I met him.

You weren't willing to move for the first guy?

OP here. I have a contract with my job that I’m locked into until 2026. I open myself up to a lawsuit if I break it.

Our plan was to do long distance until my contract was up and/or we had a definitive timeline. Long distance was much harder than I thought and our schedules never aligned. We saw each other only once in those 6 months. He told me he could be there for 3 years and that he didn’t want to get married/have kids until we were together again. I was 31 ( now 32) and did not want to wait that long to get married /have kids.

I felt like I was sacrificing a lot but he wasn’t sacrificing anything.

That in itself was a red flag, I think - the fact that it was all on his terms; you had to do all of the compromising and sacrificing. And then you only saw each other once…

I would tell him you’re seeing someone and call it a day.

This. If he wanted to be with you long term, he would have proposed when he moved. This sounds like a guy who will string you along and not make you a priority.

[Anonymous]

Did ex find out you were seeing new guy and then reappeared? Social media? That would be another reason to move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why did ex move back after only ~11 months? Uprooting your life and relocating at 33 or so is hard enough, but to turn around and do it again a year later? When the original intent was to be there indefinitely or at least >3 years?

That’s a huge red flag to me. He seems unstable.

OP here. His new job that he is overseeing got fast tracked and he moved back. It’s been a year. I’m not sure where you got where he would gone for at lest 3 years - I said he could be gone for up to 3 years. We knew he would be able to move back by the 3 year mark but were unsure if it would be sooner than that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did ex find out you were seeing new guy and then reappeared? Social media? That would be another reason to move on.

OP here. No. My social media accounts are limited and private. My ex doesn’t have access to them. I don’t talk to any of his friends or vice versa. I doubt he would hear from anyone that I was seeing someone.