Caught between two men

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you want a checklist life go with current guy.

If you want a partner you'll like and love when you're 60 work it out with your ex.

100%

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been seeing a guy for 4 months. I’ve been enjoying getting to know him and I was excited for what could be. Today I randomly got a text from my ex-bf that he was moving back and would love to reconnect.

Ex backstory: We were together for 2.5 years. I planned on marrying him. He got a job offered within his company for a promotion and he took it. We tried to make long distance work but I ended it after 6 months apart. His job would eventually move him back but there was never a concrete timeline. He didn’t want to get married/have kids until we both lived in the same state again. I ultimately decided timing wasn’t on his side and that we needed to move on. I didn’t want to wait up to 3 years. The break up was very hard and we I eventually broke contact completely to move on.

New guy: I met him 5 months after breaking up with my ex. We were set up by friends. It’s been going really well but still very early.

I haven’t replied to my ex yet or I should. Moving on from him was incredibly difficult, and I’m not sure if I could ever go through that again. I also deep down never stopped loving him. The new guy I like too and I can see myself falling in love with him. He’s also very aligned with my timeline and we have a lot of fun together. I didn’t think I would find anyone else after my ex until I met him.

You don't love this man and you are never going to love this man.
You're going to do what many women do at your age, marry the guy they are with so they can say they have a husband and be mom.

Then 10 years in you;ll be on here talking about how you don't really love him, and you're just together for the kids.

Then at that time or add another 5 years you'll be asking if it's okay to meet up with your ex for coffee, it's no big deal because you're both married with kids, and it's just cofee.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would say forget about the back story for a second.

What are the other good things about your ex? Who’s more kind? Even tempered? Stable? Emotionally intelligent? Good in a conflict? Better at communicating and problem solving?

You don’t really know the new guy yet.

Also both of them are a little late to not get married. What’s the deal with that?

OP here.

My ex is a better communicator and more even tempered. Nothing ever really gets him upset, and even when it does, he handles things calmly. We were able to resolve any fights or conflict we had very well.

Current bf is more stable in terms of being settled and ready for marriage/kids. He’s also a good communicator but not as even tempered. He doesn’t get mad often, but he can get angry when very upset. He still handles his emotions well.

Both are kind, have treated me well, respectful, good in bed ( ex is slightly better), faithful, etc.

Um, you’ve only been dating four months. What’s happened that you’ve seen him angry about?

[Anonymous]

Different take here.
OP doesn't care for either of these men and she mainly wants to be a mom by a certain age.
She's likely a great candidate for SMBC but believes it's not valid unless she has a husband.


You don't love either of these men or truly want to build a life with either of them.

If you had loved your ex you and he would have made it work. You both threw in the towel rather easily IMO. The slightest hint of adversity and sacrifice and you were both done.


And new guy you are suddenly in in a crisis because of text. Please!

My friend, you simply like drama. I'm going to use your title as evidence of that too, You are not "caught between two men". Your life is not a movie or a romance novel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been seeing a guy for 4 months. I’ve been enjoying getting to know him and I was excited for what could be. Today I randomly got a text from my ex-bf that he was moving back and would love to reconnect.

Ex backstory: We were together for 2.5 years. I planned on marrying him. He got a job offered within his company for a promotion and he took it. We tried to make long distance work but I ended it after 6 months apart. His job would eventually move him back but there was never a concrete timeline. He didn’t want to get married/have kids until we both lived in the same state again. I ultimately decided timing wasn’t on his side and that we needed to move on. I didn’t want to wait up to 3 years. The break up was very hard and we I eventually broke contact completely to move on.

New guy: I met him 5 months after breaking up with my ex. We were set up by friends. It’s been going really well but still very early.

I haven’t replied to my ex yet or I should. Moving on from him was incredibly difficult, and I’m not sure if I could ever go through that again. I also deep down never stopped loving him. The new guy I like too and I can see myself falling in love with him. He’s also very aligned with my timeline and we have a lot of fun together. I didn’t think I would find anyone else after my ex until I met him.

You don't love this man and you are never going to love this man.
You're going to do what many women do at your age, marry the guy they are with so they can say they have a husband and be mom.

Then 10 years in you;ll be on here talking about how you don't really love him, and you're just together for the kids.

Then at that time or add another 5 years you'll be asking if it's okay to meet up with your ex for coffee, it's no big deal because you're both married with kids, and it's just cofee.

OP said they have only been dating for 4 months. That’s really early to be in love for most people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been seeing a guy for 4 months. I’ve been enjoying getting to know him and I was excited for what could be. Today I randomly got a text from my ex-bf that he was moving back and would love to reconnect.

Ex backstory: We were together for 2.5 years. I planned on marrying him. He got a job offered within his company for a promotion and he took it. We tried to make long distance work but I ended it after 6 months apart. His job would eventually move him back but there was never a concrete timeline. He didn’t want to get married/have kids until we both lived in the same state again. I ultimately decided timing wasn’t on his side and that we needed to move on. I didn’t want to wait up to 3 years. The break up was very hard and we I eventually broke contact completely to move on.

New guy: I met him 5 months after breaking up with my ex. We were set up by friends. It’s been going really well but still very early.

I haven’t replied to my ex yet or I should. Moving on from him was incredibly difficult, and I’m not sure if I could ever go through that again. I also deep down never stopped loving him. The new guy I like too and I can see myself falling in love with him. He’s also very aligned with my timeline and we have a lot of fun together. I didn’t think I would find anyone else after my ex until I met him.

You don't love this man and you are never going to love this man.
You're going to do what many women do at your age, marry the guy they are with so they can say they have a husband and be mom.

Then 10 years in you;ll be on here talking about how you don't really love him, and you're just together for the kids.

Then at that time or add another 5 years you'll be asking if it's okay to meet up with your ex for coffee, it's no big deal because you're both married with kids, and it's just cofee.

OP said they have only been dating for 4 months. That’s really early to be in love for most people.

Not when you're 32 and 38, you know when ish is real and when it isn't. OP likes drama.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like he picked his job over you. This board is full of women who thought that was a good bet so long as the money flowed, but wound up in miserable marriages when the kids came and the man never changed. He showed you what his priorities are, I guess it's up to you if that's what you want, but don't expect more.

OP here. He discussed it with me but it was a good opportunity that he likely wouldn’t get again. He has worked at his job since he got out of the military. It was always his dream to move up and get to where he is now. I didn’t want to squander what he worked over a decade for.

You are clearly still in love with him because you are defending his CHOICE to pick his career over you. And I get it. You love this guy and wanted (probably still want) a future with him. But before you forge ahead…really stop and think about why he’s coming back. Is it for you? Did he miss you so much that he just couldn’t bear the idea of having sacrificed you to his career? Or is it because his job sent him back to the area and two birds/one stone bc may as well pick up with you since that was a pretty good thing…?
Men (even career-driven men) will go after the girl they want when they know they want her. I suspect he didn’t really know or was ambivalent, so he took the job.
Maybe he changed his mind once he was gone and you ended it. Or maybe he was coming bc back anyway so “might as well see if Larla wants to get back together”

My point is, you need to br aware of the difference and decide if that impacts your decision. Sadly I suspect that “he’s just not that into you” and you are an option—not a priority. But—either way, you are t over him so it’s not really fair to string the new guy along.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your ex already picked something else instead of you. How do you know he won’t do it again in a year, after the nice new guy moves on and finds someone else?

This.

But honestly I think OP is leaning toward this option anyway and she should just cut new guy loose.
She’ll give ex another shot and it will end within a year, but at least then she’ll not have any unresolved pining feelings for ex when it’s over.
Then she can focus on finding “the one” at 35/36…
It’ll be tough. But OP isn’t that into new guy and isn’t willling to see that ex had already determined she wasn’t the one. (I think OP doesn’t get that men are very very different when it comes to this stuff. Men don’t move away from a girl they want to spend their life with and then only see her once in six months.)

[Anonymous]

You are not “caught between” two men. As much as you may like to flatter yourself, you are not a butterfly.

Consider that people act of their own self interest. Don’t let the attention go to your head. Then, decide what to do and follow through. Don’t deceive. It’s not that difficult unless you are a coward. Woman up.

[Anonymous]

Also, there is no such thing as The One. Also, fairy tales are not real. Neither are Lindsay Lohan films.

[Anonymous]

I think you both had yourselves as first priority and not willing to accommodate other. He wanted that job, didn't want to marry, which was your priority. You also have yourself as priority in new relationship, you are ready to ditch him if going back to ex is guaranteed in marriage.

There isn't anything wrong with being your own priority but it tells you that you aren't in love with either of them hence decide to go with whoever would make a better partner and accept the risk that comes with letting other guy go.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I met my ex for lunch today. I told him I wanted to give him the courtesy to meet but that I’m not currently single. He was surprised and said he hadn’t moved on or been with anyone since we broke up. He did try for months to get me back. He was still hoping I would reconsider our break up. He was supposed to stay there for another year but he asked to move back early.

For now I’m going to see how things go with my current bf. I told my ex I felt it was best that we move on. He was very hurt and my heart is broken for him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would say forget about the back story for a second.

What are the other good things about your ex? Who’s more kind? Even tempered? Stable? Emotionally intelligent? Good in a conflict? Better at communicating and problem solving?

You don’t really know the new guy yet.

Also both of them are a little late to not get married. What’s the deal with that?

OP here.

My ex is a better communicator and more even tempered. Nothing ever really gets him upset, and even when it does, he handles things calmly. We were able to resolve any fights or conflict we had very well.

Current bf is more stable in terms of being settled and ready for marriage/kids. He’s also a good communicator but not as even tempered. He doesn’t get mad often, but he can get angry when very upset. He still handles his emotions well.

Both are kind, have treated me well, respectful, good in bed ( ex is slightly better), faithful, etc.

Um, you’ve only been dating four months. What’s happened that you’ve seen him angry about?

+1 and how did it manifest? Please share. This is very relevant,

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I met my ex for lunch today. I told him I wanted to give him the courtesy to meet but that I’m not currently single. He was surprised and said he hadn’t moved on or been with anyone since we broke up. He did try for months to get me back. He was still hoping I would reconsider our break up. He was supposed to stay there for another year but he asked to move back early.

For now I’m going to see how things go with my current bf. I told my ex I felt it was best that we move on. He was very hurt and my heart is broken for him.

Good for you OP. I thought you were leaning the other way. Also I wouldn’t believe the part about ex not being with anyone else during this time.Good luck with new guy.

[Anonymous]

I think you made a terrible choice, OP. One you will regret for sure.