If you’re a mommy martyr, what’s behind it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Interesting about the alcoholic parents. I am the child of alcoholics with 7 brothers and sisters. Two of my sisters are mommy martyrs and both have raised extremely anxious and dependent children (now in their 20s). Even now it’s extremely difficult for me to persuade my sisters to go to the movies or anything because they are always convinced their kids need them for something.

It’s a common dynamic to be a martyr when your parents were/are alcoholics.

[Anonymous]

As with most things in life, what you need is balance. If that feels too selfish or scary to you, then think about it this way . . . you are teaching your children that their needs are always paramount and yours aren't. They're going to think the world revolves around them because that's how you've ordered your life. Modeling self-care and an identity outside of "mother" and "wife" will set them up to be independent, functional adults.

I'm a SAHM of tweens and chronic illness has forced me to put limits on what I do for my kids, and honestly it's really good for them. They've been making their own lunches since early elementary school. They're empathetic and helpful (or, at least, capable of taking care of themselves). If I weren't sick, I might have thought it was my job to wait on them as long as I'm at home. But that's just a recipe for "failure to launch" down the road.

I'm not sure if you were implying that you never use sitters, or just not for your own self-care. Having your kids be comfortable with a sitter is really important. It's important for kids to feel safe when mom isn't around, and you and your husband need to be able to leave the home together from time to time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wasn’t a mommy martyr I always had a full time job, but my waking hours were consumed by kid stuff until they were over, say 5. Sadly then it was the pandemic, but in the last year I have started to do so many *me* activities that I get were impossible before. So it may just be a matter of time.

Same here. I think for me I was a bit of a mommy martyr on my "off" time to balance the guilt for sticking my kids in day care (to look at it negatively), and maximize my time with them when I could (to look at it positively).

My youngest is only 3, but I think I had a bit of an emotional "break" this summer when we canceled yet another family trip I was looking forward to due to day care illness, and realized my mental health was terrible after more than two years of being stuck at home. I went on my first work trip since youngest DS was born last month and...it was fantastic. I'm going on my first girls weekend EVER next week, and since the work trip was ok, I'm not so worried and guilty about it now. Being able to have a little more of an adult life also makes it easier for me to support my husband doing things on his own, which was really hard for me when I felt like I never got the chance (we live close to his best friend so he's had more opportunities, for me it's a bigger deal to plan).

So I'm spending a little less time with my kids...but also less time crying in front of them...and that is why self care is important. I also feel better when I get outside ans get active, so I'm spending more of my lunch breaks running when I WFH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you ready to hear from a therapist that you ARE getting something out of this? Because I suspect one would tell you that you are getting:

a) Validation that you are "the center of the universe" and "the only one who can do" and "the only one who can make the world turn" for your family

b) Trying to heal your own childhood trauma or pain by Being The Mom You Never Had

c) Justifying your lack of a job by making it So Important That You Be the One to Do Anything...like, you feel inadequate that you're not making your own money or using your degree or whatever. You're essentially making motherhood and homemaking caregiving be the hardest it can possibly be so that you are justified in your SAHM choice because "the universe would fall apart if I didn't Mommy Martyr." Maybe because you never really cut it in the workforce?

You're doing this to yourself because you are getting some form of justification or validation or benefit from it. Explore that.

This. You are getting something out of this dynamic, or you wouldn't be doing it. We all have reasons for self-destruction or holding ourselves back. Whether you are actually willing to examine it, work on it and SET A BETTER EXAMPLE FOR YOUR CHILDREN is up to you.

[Anonymous]

A lot of people out there hate that you love your family life, OP. You're doing the right thing here. As someone who spent years volunteering in the schools, I have seen first hand what happens when parents largely check out of raising their own kids. When they're too busy with themselves to make time. We need more of you, not fewer of you. Keep doing what you're doing, OP. Your kids need you. Believe it or not, they will need you even more when they are teenagers and the stress of school comes crashing down on their shoulders, big time. When the grades actually start to matter. Be attentive, be tuned in to them, and never feel badly about it. Ever.

[Anonymous]

I really loathe that phrase.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A lot of people out there hate that you love your family life, OP. You're doing the right thing here. As someone who spent years volunteering in the schools, I have seen first hand what happens when parents largely check out of raising their own kids. When they're too busy with themselves to make time. We need more of you, not fewer of you. Keep doing what you're doing, OP. Your kids need you. Believe it or not, they will need you even more when they are teenagers and the stress of school comes crashing down on their shoulders, big time. When the grades actually start to matter. Be attentive, be tuned in to them, and never feel badly about it. Ever.

I disagree. If OP was just saying she enjoys her family life, that would be great. But she's not, she is saying that her physical health is suffering. She doesn't exercise and in her own words, the way she spends her time now is taking a "physical toll." That doesn't sound healthy--doesn't sound good for her or for her family, does it?

[Anonymous]

Whenever I wonder if I'm doing the right thing balancing taking care of myself and taking care of my kids, I think about when my kids are grown and have kids. Would I want them to follow my example in how they take care of themselves and their kids (my hypothetical future grandkids)?

I wouldn't want my future grown kids to feel like they can't go to the gym or to a PT or therapy appointment without neglecting their kids.

[Anonymous]

I have these tendencies. I'm not a SAHM but I only work PT and that is very much a choice I made on behalf of my kids. But some of the other stuff OP mentions rings true as well -- funneling extra money towards the kids instead of toward myself, putting their sleep and nutrition before my own.

However, I wouldn't call myself a "mommy martyr". One, because I don't resent what I give up that much. Yes, there are times when I feel pretty run down and I can trace that to putting my kid's needs before mine. But then I'll remind myself to take care of my fundamental needs (sleep, nourishment, some time alone, exercise, maybe something frivolous like doing my nails, watching a dumb rom com after everyone goes to bed, or reading a trashy book) and I get back to a good place.

But two, I remind myself that one of the best things I can give my kids is a happy, well-adjusted mother. Me going part-time was something I did for me, not for them -- I wanted more time to myself and to feel less rushed all the time. They get more of me, yes, but they also get more of me at my best. I also invest money in therapy for myself which I also view as beneficial to them. Even stuff like saving for college versus retirement -- I make a point of balancing those investments because I know ensuring I will be okay in old age will benefit them as much if not more than the funds we set aside for college.

I think it's normal to sacrifice for your kids, especially very young kids (mine are under 6). But sacrifice and martyrdom are not the same thing. I take care of myself and in doing so, I show up for my kids in a better way and set a good example for them, plus prepare myself for the day when they will leave and take care of themselves (based on my good example) and I will need to have purpose and fulfillment in my life independent from them.

I think of it as playing the long game.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom was like this. You know what it did to ME? Made me feel absolutely guilty anytime I did anything for myself. I posted recently in Health And Medicine about never taking a mental health day. I think that's partly because I know my mom would never in a million years have taken a day off. My
Mental health has suffered because I hold back on caring for myself. Not as much as my mom, but definitely to some degree. I'm teaching my kids to find a balance.

So while you think it's good for your kids, think about the message you are sending them about self care and mental health.

I relate to this so much. My mom was the ultimate mommy martyr. She lived in service to her family. It created an unhealthy dynamic: when we were young kids we took everything she did for granted, including my dad, who became complacent. It was unsustainable and led to frequent family conflicts.

I did not understand it until later. If you watched The Joy Luck Club, there's a story line about Rose, who was devoted to her husband and did everything for him, only to push him away emotionally because she had no identity left and he could not respect her as a person.

That's how it was with my mom. She did not respect her own needs, so we didn't respect her needs either. And she'd feel resentful and erupt, so we try to do better, only to be shut down b/c we didn't do things the way she liked and the cycle continued.

As I got older the guilt just kept building up. There was one incident that was clear as day in my memory. My mom made my favorite dish, braised meat, and we sat down to share a meal. She took only the worst, barely edible parts, and saved the best meat for me. I tried to put some good pieces on her plate, but she insistently pushed my hands away: I must have all the good meat. I burst into tears in frustration. She only ever knew how to give, give, give, but did not know how to take once in a while. It was so unhealthy and so exhausting.

If you don't show your kids (and others in your life) that your needs matter, that you matter, and that you're a whole person aside from your role as mom/caregiver, your kids will either grow up entitled, or they'd be laden with guilt. Treat yourself how you want others to treat you. Learn to take once in a while--it would give your loved ones so much pleasure.

[Anonymous]

What were your parents like and how was your childhood, OP?

I'm probably a bit like this but in an even worse form - the working mommy martyr, so I do everything for my kids, everything at work, and nothing for myself and am resentful that I can't do more because of this stupid job that I have to have and I complain about it enough that DH hates me for it too. It's a great dynamic! My own mom was more like OP.

[Anonymous]

I think you just need to take some baby steps here. I work FT and have two kids under four. I exercise for 60+ minutes every day and occasionally get massages and see friends alone. I prioritize my physical health because that is really connected with my mental health and I need 60-75 minutes of exercise and time just for me each day to function well as a parent and human being. I am by no means a model for self-care, but I think you should try to find some balance and let go of your concerns about a 45 minute daily walk snowballing into girls trips and weekly mani/pedis.

Good luck, OP. You are not alone in struggling to find balance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you ready to hear from a therapist that you ARE getting something out of this? Because I suspect one would tell you that you are getting:

a) Validation that you are "the center of the universe" and "the only one who can do" and "the only one who can make the world turn" for your family

b) Trying to heal your own childhood trauma or pain by Being The Mom You Never Had

c) Justifying your lack of a job by making it So Important That You Be the One to Do Anything...like, you feel inadequate that you're not making your own money or using your degree or whatever. You're essentially making motherhood and homemaking caregiving be the hardest it can possibly be so that you are justified in your SAHM choice because "the universe would fall apart if I didn't Mommy Martyr." Maybe because you never really cut it in the workforce?

You're doing this to yourself because you are getting some form of justification or validation or benefit from it. Explore that.

You had me until #3. I sincerely hope you are not an actual therapist because if you said that to a person in therapy, I'd consider it malpractice. Hello, judgment and disdain!

OP, there is truth in the first two comments here though -- I do think you are deriving a sense of validation and, perhaps more importantly, purpose in sacrificing your well-being for your kids. I get it -- when you have kids it can make you realize that a lot of the stuff you used to care about just wasn't as deeply meaningful as this, and the drive to serve that purpose can be very strong. But take to heart some of the other comments about how some of the best things you can do for your kids is to MODEL what it means to take care of your own needs. Ask yourself what you are teaching them about being a parent, a partner, an adult. Don't sentence them to the same martyrdom. Let them have more.

Regarding the comments under #3 above -- ignore. A SAHM does not need to "justify" not having a job -- you are doing something productive and meaningful (I say this as a working mom -- caring for kids is meaningful work and I'm grateful to the teachers and workers who care for my kids when I'm working) and that in and of itself is enough. More than enough. This also has nothing to do with "cutting it" in the workforce. My guess is that you've probably always had a tendency to overcommit yourself to benefit others, and were likely a martyr to your job before you became a SAHM (this tends to be a repeating behavior). I just want to reiterate that this comment from PP is very clearly about her own issues she needs to work through (very deep resentment of SAHMs or perhaps motherhood in general, as well as a belief that the work one does for money is paramount to justifying your life).

The other stuff has some merit though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom was like this. You know what it did to ME? Made me feel absolutely guilty anytime I did anything for myself. I posted recently in Health And Medicine about never taking a mental health day. I think that's partly because I know my mom would never in a million years have taken a day off. My
Mental health has suffered because I hold back on caring for myself. Not as much as my mom, but definitely to some degree. I'm teaching my kids to find a balance.

So while you think it's good for your kids, think about the message you are sending them about self care and mental health.

I relate to this so much. My mom was the ultimate mommy martyr. She lived in service to her family. It created an unhealthy dynamic: when we were young kids we took everything she did for granted, including my dad, who became complacent. It was unsustainable and led to frequent family conflicts.

I did not understand it until later. If you watched The Joy Luck Club, there's a story line about Rose, who was devoted to her husband and did everything for him, only to push him away emotionally because she had no identity left and he could not respect her as a person.

That's how it was with my mom. She did not respect her own needs, so we didn't respect her needs either. And she'd feel resentful and erupt, so we try to do better, only to be shut down b/c we didn't do things the way she liked and the cycle continued.

As I got older the guilt just kept building up. There was one incident that was clear as day in my memory. My mom made my favorite dish, braised meat, and we sat down to share a meal. She took only the worst, barely edible parts, and saved the best meat for me. I tried to put some good pieces on her plate, but she insistently pushed my hands away: I must have all the good meat. I burst into tears in frustration. She only ever knew how to give, give, give, but did not know how to take once in a while. It was so unhealthy and so exhausting.

If you don't show your kids (and others in your life) that your needs matter, that you matter, and that you're a whole person aside from your role as mom/caregiver, your kids will either grow up entitled, or they'd be laden with guilt. Treat yourself how you want others to treat you. Learn to take once in a while--it would give your loved ones so much pleasure.

Very well said. This x 100.

[Anonymous]

The best way to influence people’s behavior is to inspire them to emulate you. You need to focus on yourself at least as much as you focus on others I second the posters who are saying you are setting a bad example to your children, essentially telling them they should sacrifice themselves for other people’s happiness. Ergo, their own self care and happiness doesn’t matter. We have all seen how this plays out in adulthood. Break the cycle now. Get into therapy. Read the book Boundary Boss. Get interested in self help books/podcasts for women with the disease to please.