If you’re a mommy martyr, what’s behind it?

[Anonymous]

I first heard this term on dcum and it definitely applies to me. I’m a sahm with no help (but a great dh) and I always put my kids’ needs ahead of mine, without exception. It usually doesn’t occur to me to consider another option. I take great joy in them, love most parts of parenting and am not depressed, but am burned out and ground down. Feels like I’ve been running on empty for years. I can’t bring myself to do CIO, rarely turn to screens and funnel what money we have into enrichment. I see real benefits from all of this for my family but my personal physical and emotional health keeps getting worse. I do take baths and have coffee with friends now and then but no extras or anything that requires a babysitter.

Lately I’ve tried to really look at what is behind this. It’s not performative– –I’m not on social media and no one asks or cares about my specific parenting choices. I’m not trying to meet some societal or cultural standard. What I’ve come up with is that I’m scared of a slippery slope. That if I start, say, prioritizing exercise, then soon it’s massage and acupuncture appointments, and then PT and therapy. And then it’s girls nights and then trips… and then suddenly it’s a significant amount of time away from kids and $ that should be set aside for their future. I crave all of this stuff so much I don’t want to start down the path and give myself a “taste”.

Can anyone relate? I feel like the amount of self care I would ideally need is just out of the realm of possibility logistically and financially so why bother.

[Anonymous]

This is so sad 😞

[Anonymous]

OP here. I see why you would say that…but the thing is that I’m not sad. If you met me, you might say I’m frumpy and tired, but pretty happy… I am more fulfilled than when I had a career, as crazy as that sounds. I love being with kids and wish I can chosen a path that involved them. I can talk about anything and have great friends. But there is a level of depletion, exhaustion…and I can’t seem to break this habit of focusing outward. I am an older mom which, for me, has meant more gratitude but maybe a greater physical toll and a greater sense of “now I have what I wanted and I need to do this right.”

[Anonymous]

My great joy in life is my kids.

Therefore I do not see what I do as martyrdom, and I reject that term, at least for myself.

I had to quit my job to care for my oldest with special needs, since my husband made more than me and had more earning potential long-term. My son's early years were spent going from therapy to practice at home back to therapy. We decided where to live based on which preschool and school system would best fit his needs. Everything we've done has been with his wellbeing and development in mind, because our priority has been to avoid closing doors for him, and maximize his skills and potential so he could one day be financially independent.

And then we applied this to our second, neurotypical child, since we saw how well it had worked on our first. My husband and I are very focused on raising our kids exactly the way we want...which is sometimes not the DCUM way.

But for us that's normal. We wouldn't have it any other way. We don't complain about it.

If the sacrifices are not worth it, OP, you have to assess whether your anxiety/obsession/perfectionism needs to be managed with the help of a psychiatrist/psychologist. Don't go to a therapist first - it's useless without a medical diagnosis.

[Anonymous]

You are my mother. She thought she was GREAT. I found her suffocating as hell. Physically and emotionally, even though I couldn't articulate it for the first ten or so years I felt that way.

[Anonymous]

Thank you for your perspective, PP. I think I need to reject the term as well and allow myself to feel proud of the choices we’ve made and how we’ve prioritized things. It’s hard when you keep reading how important self care is and the list of all the things I’m supposed to be able to somehow incorporate into my life, from meditation to girls trips and so on… In some ways parenting is my self care, but it’s also what’s wearing me down.

[Anonymous]

Ha! I meant the PP before suffocated PP

[Anonymous]

Agree with PP. your kids cant be your whole life. They will leave at 18 and then what? I alwqys think of it from the perspective if i would want my own daugher ground down and burnt out? No i wouldn't and i would encourage her to find happiness in other things in addition to kids. We are whole people even as mothers. The physicality of child rearing gives way to helping them with emotions, relationships and with hard issues and. Not solving their problems but teach how to resolve themselves. I need to be my whole self to help them and guide and lead by example.

[Anonymous]

I am in disbelief that somehow exercise, PT, and/or girls’ weekends are a dangerous and slippery slope that you can’t dabble in. This is such disordered thinking. There is no prize for sacrificing your mind and body to your family; and you are setting a terrible example for your children. Please get help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Agree with PP. your kids cant be your whole life. They will leave at 18 and then what? I alwqys think of it from the perspective if i would want my own daugher ground down and burnt out? No i wouldn't and i would encourage her to find happiness in other things in addition to kids. We are whole people even as mothers. The physicality of child rearing gives way to helping them with emotions, relationships and with hard issues and. Not solving their problems but teach how to resolve themselves. I need to be my whole self to help them and guide and lead by example.

Your kids can be your whole life when they’re little. Independence comes in stages. I stayed home with my kids full time (ie, no paid help and no local family, just DH and I) until they started morning preschool at 3.5, then kindergarten 2 years later. They don’t go from diapers to college overnight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thank you for your perspective, PP. I think I need to reject the term as well and allow myself to feel proud of the choices we’ve made and how we’ve prioritized things. It’s hard when you keep reading how important self care is and the list of all the things I’m supposed to be able to somehow incorporate into my life, from meditation to girls trips and so on… In some ways parenting is my self care, but it’s also what’s wearing me down.

I'm the poster you replied to.

I'm a mixed-race foreigner who came to this country in her 20s. I've been different all my life, enough to be entirely comfortable making choices that aren't those of others around me. So when I read the self-help drivel that gets passed off as advice, I laugh. Perhaps they cater to the lowest common denominator, I don't know. I don't want girls' weekends, or spas or gym sessions or meditation, or whatever they're pushing. I love to read a book at home with a nice cup of tea, I love to walk my dog in all weather (the colder and windier the better), I love to foster rescue puppies in my home until they can be adopted, and I love to visit individual friends in their homes and have a nice cup of tea and a chat. I've done that ever since I met them when my oldest was about 2. We would have playdates as well. Now he's a senior and we still do the chat and tea thing.

It's all about knowing yourself and doing what makes YOU happy, OP. Ignore the drivel.

[Anonymous]

I am like you OP and it's because my mother did not put my needs first and left me to go build a life with the AP.

Now that I'm the mother I desperately want to do better and put my child's needs first. I'm also so tired.

Did you also have parents who did not measure up? If so, maybe we don't have a good model for balanced and healthy parenting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I first heard this term on dcum and it definitely applies to me. I’m a sahm with no help (but a great dh) and I always put my kids’ needs ahead of mine, without exception. It usually doesn’t occur to me to consider another option. I take great joy in them, love most parts of parenting and am not depressed, but am burned out and ground down. Feels like I’ve been running on empty for years. I can’t bring myself to do CIO, rarely turn to screens and funnel what money we have into enrichment. I see real benefits from all of this for my family but my personal physical and emotional health keeps getting worse. I do take baths and have coffee with friends now and then but no extras or anything that requires a babysitter.

Lately I’ve tried to really look at what is behind this. It’s not performative– –I’m not on social media and no one asks or cares about my specific parenting choices. I’m not trying to meet some societal or cultural standard. What I’ve come up with is that I’m scared of a slippery slope. That if I start, say, prioritizing exercise, then soon it’s massage and acupuncture appointments, and then PT and therapy. And then it’s girls nights and then trips… and then suddenly it’s a significant amount of time away from kids and $ that should be set aside for their future. I crave all of this stuff so much I don’t want to start down the path and give myself a “taste”.

Can anyone relate? I feel like the amount of self care I would ideally need is just out of the realm of possibility logistically and financially so why bother.

The bolded is a problem OP.

You need to put your oxygen mask on in order to be a good parent. Getting exercise is a good place to start, especially if you can exercise outdoors. If you need to hear it in the language of good motherhood— your children deserve an emotionally and physically healthy mother.

But I encourage you to look at it from more than just the perspective of a good parent. You, the individual, deserve to be physically and emotionally healthy. You didn’t lose that right by having children.

[Anonymous]

Definitely set some time aside for therapy to help with this disordered thinking. As you’re reading this, hold your arms open to the side, like you’re making a cross. In one hand is doing everything for your family to the point that you’re exhausted. In the other hand is you going off on girls weekends every month, not having anytime for family, getting massages and going out every week, etc.

There’s something in between, and you need to find it asap for your mental and physical well-being. It really does exist.

[Anonymous]

My sister is one and while certainly there are some positives, the overall impacts on her family are neutral to negative. She has always been a pleaser, and put others needs before her own, and she pours that into her kids.

Looking in from the outside, The net result fifteen years into parenthood is that her physical health is horrible, her relationship with her husband has suffered, and three out of her four kids have been diagnosed with anxiety and are a weird combo of entitled and insecure. All their life everything has been about them and their happiness and well-being and while that seems nice, it’s not the best path to resilient, healthy adults. My sisters mental health is also starting to suffer. I love her dearly and it’s hard to watch.

I’m sure there’s a genetic component for the anxiety that is also at play here (her martyr tendencies are at least partitially routed in anxiety, as it sounds yours are too).