If you’re a mommy martyr, what’s behind it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I always wished my mom had friends (still do!), wished my mom took more care of herself, wished she put her marriage above children. I do love my mom, but she was lax on discipline and it shows with my sibling.

I've tried hard to not be a martyr and would disagree with a lot of your items that you think are "better". I think CIO has enabled my kids to be wonderful sleepers, which is a life long benefit. DH and I have had more time to reconnect at night because of it. You don't need exercise as much as you just need to eat less. You can't outrun the fork. Eating less won't take anything away from your kids or take up any more time. My kids and I hike and walk to playgrounds a lot. I also think that marriage should be prioritized first, not girls trips, but couples trips, date nights and caring for each other. The more love and caring I pour into our relationship, the better a father DH is too.

YES. I feel the same way. My mom would tell us how she washed the floors every day when we were very little, because it was The Right Thing To Do. She didn't seem to weigh how much effort it cost her. My mom devoted so much of herself to her kids, but there wasn't much left. At her funeral, I struggled to say something about her as a person rather than just as a devoted mom. And she was very needy with her kids even once we grew up, my sister became emotionally dependent on her, whereas I had to actively break away, which caused a lot of unnecessary heartache.

It is SO SO IMPORTANT to have balance, OP. And it is definitely not too late to change your approach, especially as your kids are getting older. I'm wondering why you are worried about the slippery slope? Do you have control issues or an addictive personality? What does your DH think about all this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you ready to hear from a therapist that you ARE getting something out of this? Because I suspect one would tell you that you are getting:

a) Validation that you are "the center of the universe" and "the only one who can do" and "the only one who can make the world turn" for your family

b) Trying to heal your own childhood trauma or pain by Being The Mom You Never Had

c) Justifying your lack of a job by making it So Important That You Be the One to Do Anything...like, you feel inadequate that you're not making your own money or using your degree or whatever. You're essentially making motherhood and homemaking caregiving be the hardest it can possibly be so that you are justified in your SAHM choice because "the universe would fall apart if I didn't Mommy Martyr." Maybe because you never really cut it in the workforce?

You're doing this to yourself because you are getting some form of justification or validation or benefit from it. Explore that.

You had me until #3. I sincerely hope you are not an actual therapist because if you said that to a person in therapy, I'd consider it malpractice. Hello, judgment and disdain!

OP, there is truth in the first two comments here though -- I do think you are deriving a sense of validation and, perhaps more importantly, purpose in sacrificing your well-being for your kids. I get it -- when you have kids it can make you realize that a lot of the stuff you used to care about just wasn't as deeply meaningful as this, and the drive to serve that purpose can be very strong. But take to heart some of the other comments about how some of the best things you can do for your kids is to MODEL what it means to take care of your own needs. Ask yourself what you are teaching them about being a parent, a partner, an adult. Don't sentence them to the same martyrdom. Let them have more.

Regarding the comments under #3 above -- ignore. A SAHM does not need to "justify" not having a job -- you are doing something productive and meaningful (I say this as a working mom -- caring for kids is meaningful work and I'm grateful to the teachers and workers who care for my kids when I'm working) and that in and of itself is enough. More than enough. This also has nothing to do with "cutting it" in the workforce. My guess is that you've probably always had a tendency to overcommit yourself to benefit others, and were likely a martyr to your job before you became a SAHM (this tends to be a repeating behavior). I just want to reiterate that this comment from PP is very clearly about her own issues she needs to work through (very deep resentment of SAHMs or perhaps motherhood in general, as well as a belief that the work one does for money is paramount to justifying your life).

The other stuff has some merit though.

My take on the 'therapist' PP's #3 comment was that it's important to dig into the the feelings behind any justification of lack of a job or stuffing down a sense of inadequacy, exploring emotions behind leaving the workforce and what you may be holding on to from that. I did not take it as a blanket statement or judgement on stay-at-home motherhood at all!

[Anonymous]

OP, the culture socialized you to feel that way and so you do. It’s good that you don’t feel awful but perhaps you can look for some ways to add balance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you ready to hear from a therapist that you ARE getting something out of this? Because I suspect one would tell you that you are getting:

a) Validation that you are "the center of the universe" and "the only one who can do" and "the only one who can make the world turn" for your family

b) Trying to heal your own childhood trauma or pain by Being The Mom You Never Had

c) Justifying your lack of a job by making it So Important That You Be the One to Do Anything...like, you feel inadequate that you're not making your own money or using your degree or whatever. You're essentially making motherhood and homemaking caregiving be the hardest it can possibly be so that you are justified in your SAHM choice because "the universe would fall apart if I didn't Mommy Martyr." Maybe because you never really cut it in the workforce?

You're doing this to yourself because you are getting some form of justification or validation or benefit from it. Explore that.

You had me until #3. I sincerely hope you are not an actual therapist because if you said that to a person in therapy, I'd consider it malpractice. Hello, judgment and disdain!

OP, there is truth in the first two comments here though -- I do think you are deriving a sense of validation and, perhaps more importantly, purpose in sacrificing your well-being for your kids. I get it -- when you have kids it can make you realize that a lot of the stuff you used to care about just wasn't as deeply meaningful as this, and the drive to serve that purpose can be very strong. But take to heart some of the other comments about how some of the best things you can do for your kids is to MODEL what it means to take care of your own needs. Ask yourself what you are teaching them about being a parent, a partner, an adult. Don't sentence them to the same martyrdom. Let them have more.

Regarding the comments under #3 above -- ignore. A SAHM does not need to "justify" not having a job -- you are doing something productive and meaningful (I say this as a working mom -- caring for kids is meaningful work and I'm grateful to the teachers and workers who care for my kids when I'm working) and that in and of itself is enough. More than enough. This also has nothing to do with "cutting it" in the workforce. My guess is that you've probably always had a tendency to overcommit yourself to benefit others, and were likely a martyr to your job before you became a SAHM (this tends to be a repeating behavior). I just want to reiterate that this comment from PP is very clearly about her own issues she needs to work through (very deep resentment of SAHMs or perhaps motherhood in general, as well as a belief that the work one does for money is paramount to justifying your life).

The other stuff has some merit though.

My take on the 'therapist' PP's #3 comment was that it's important to dig into the the feelings behind any justification of lack of a job or stuffing down a sense of inadequacy, exploring emotions behind leaving the workforce and what you may be holding on to from that. I did not take it as a blanket statement or judgement on stay-at-home motherhood at all!

Exactly this! I'm the PP who wrote it. I'm not at all saying SAHM isn't totally justified--of course it is! But not everyone is 100% happy with it or satisfied with it, just like I can fully admit that there are plenty of days when I'm not 100% happy as a WOHM! What I am saying is that there's something going on with OP, and she needs to explore it, and therapy is a great tool. (I know from personal experience!) Whether OP is willing to do the work and face what this is and what this could be and how she can change--for herself AND for the benefit of her family--that is up to her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Whenever I wonder if I'm doing the right thing balancing taking care of myself and taking care of my kids, I think about when my kids are grown and have kids. Would I want them to follow my example in how they take care of themselves and their kids (my hypothetical future grandkids)?

I wouldn't want my future grown kids to feel like they can't go to the gym or to a PT or therapy appointment without neglecting their kids.

This. What's the point in trying to give them everything if they only become servants to others as soon as they have kids? We are raising them to be fully realized humans for life, not just a few years. Honestly, I'd like to exemplify more of that with outside hobbies and interests myself...maybe after the toddler years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I first heard this term on dcum and it definitely applies to me. I’m a sahm with no help (but a great dh) and I always put my kids’ needs ahead of mine, without exception. It usually doesn’t occur to me to consider another option. I take great joy in them, love most parts of parenting and am not depressed, but am burned out and ground down. Feels like I’ve been running on empty for years. I can’t bring myself to do CIO, rarely turn to screens and funnel what money we have into enrichment. I see real benefits from all of this for my family but my personal physical and emotional health keeps getting worse. I do take baths and have coffee with friends now and then but no extras or anything that requires a babysitter.

Lately I’ve tried to really look at what is behind this. It’s not performative– –I’m not on social media and no one asks or cares about my specific parenting choices. I’m not trying to meet some societal or cultural standard. What I’ve come up with is that I’m scared of a slippery slope. That if I start, say, prioritizing exercise, then soon it’s massage and acupuncture appointments, and then PT and therapy. And then it’s girls nights and then trips… and then suddenly it’s a significant amount of time away from kids and $ that should be set aside for their future. I crave all of this stuff so much I don’t want to start down the path and give myself a “taste”.

Can anyone relate? I feel like the amount of self care I would ideally need is just out of the realm of possibility logistically and financially so why bother.

How old are your kids, OP? I feel like some people would have thought of me that way when my kids were really small - I didn't do CIO, breastfed for more than a year, didn't use babysitters until the youngest was 1yr because the kids weren't reliable sleepers. However, now that the youngest is 2 and they are both good sleepers we have started using babysitters for occasional nights out, and we are doing a weekend away in about a month.

Honestly, I feel like when the kids are little it feels natural to be a bit of a martyr. The effort of being away from them (pumping milk, the meltdowns when you leave, communicating all the routines) sometimes seems not worth it. And "self-care" (which I sometimes feel is more of a marketing tool to sell us things) feels like just another chore.

However, it also feels natural to me to pull away a bit as they get older. Now it's relatively easy to leave them with my DH, and the effort required for a babysitter is less. I'm really enjoying being able to prioritize myself and my marriage a bit more, with exercise and date nights and meeting friends and such. I don't feel the need to do girls trips or spa days but maybe that will come in time. I trust my instincts and try to worry too much about how it looks to others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I first heard this term on dcum and it definitely applies to me. I’m a sahm with no help (but a great dh) and I always put my kids’ needs ahead of mine, without exception. It usually doesn’t occur to me to consider another option. I take great joy in them, love most parts of parenting and am not depressed, but am burned out and ground down. Feels like I’ve been running on empty for years. I can’t bring myself to do CIO, rarely turn to screens and funnel what money we have into enrichment. I see real benefits from all of this for my family but my personal physical and emotional health keeps getting worse. I do take baths and have coffee with friends now and then but no extras or anything that requires a babysitter.

Lately I’ve tried to really look at what is behind this. It’s not performative– –I’m not on social media and no one asks or cares about my specific parenting choices. I’m not trying to meet some societal or cultural standard. What I’ve come up with is that I’m scared of a slippery slope. That if I start, say, prioritizing exercise, then soon it’s massage and acupuncture appointments, and then PT and therapy. And then it’s girls nights and then trips… and then suddenly it’s a significant amount of time away from kids and $ that should be set aside for their future. I crave all of this stuff so much I don’t want to start down the path and give myself a “taste”.

Can anyone relate? I feel like the amount of self care I would ideally need is just out of the realm of possibility logistically and financially so why bother.

How old are your kids, OP? I feel like some people would have thought of me that way when my kids were really small - I didn't do CIO, breastfed for more than a year, didn't use babysitters until the youngest was 1yr because the kids weren't reliable sleepers. However, now that the youngest is 2 and they are both good sleepers we have started using babysitters for occasional nights out, and we are doing a weekend away in about a month.

Honestly, I feel like when the kids are little it feels natural to be a bit of a martyr. The effort of being away from them (pumping milk, the meltdowns when you leave, communicating all the routines) sometimes seems not worth it. And "self-care" (which I sometimes feel is more of a marketing tool to sell us things) feels like just another chore.

However, it also feels natural to me to pull away a bit as they get older. Now it's relatively easy to leave them with my DH, and the effort required for a babysitter is less. I'm really enjoying being able to prioritize myself and my marriage a bit more, with exercise and date nights and meeting friends and such. I don't feel the need to do girls trips or spa days but maybe that will come in time. I trust my instincts and try to worry too much about how it looks to others.

I was going to say the same thing. Tiny babies need essentially full time care, especially colicky ones or some just higher needs ones, and if you aren’t lucky enough to have family or someone you really trust it’s hard to hand them over. I work and when my kids were younger I used every minute of leave to take care of them and cuddle them on sick days and try to make special memories. I don’t regret any of it. As the get older, they SHOULD have a life outside of me and it’s easier to fit in time for myself, especially exercise and time with my DH. I am also trying hard to think about how to prepare them for adulthood; my DH could not do anything for himself besides laundry when he left home and found that really overwhelming. I want my kids to think of themselves as capable and able to do things. So my 7 year old is mostly focused on cleaning up after herself but we are also working on her taking responsibility for her own schoolwork and homework and doing some very minor household chores. Even my preschooler knows to pitch in when we are putting away groceries and then he’s proud of himself! Eventually they will do more but my goal is mostly to have them work alongside me rather than just be off playing while mom does all the work. The thing I am worst about is making time for my DH because he works a lot and it requires a babysitter and our kids struggle with that, although it’s getting better with age. I assume it will come like my ability to exercise regularly and get enough sleep, hopefully soon.

[Anonymous]

To me a mommy martyr is a woman who sacrificed her interests for sake of kids.

She quit her job and tanked her career.

She allowed herself to become completely financially dependent on DH.

While her DH’s career is thriving, she is at home not getting paid, not getting social status, not getting 401k, not getting recognition for what she does.

She chose to have 3 kids when she knew she doesn’t have resources for help or family nearby.

She chose to have 3 kids when she knew she can’t afford childcare. She can’t afford to go out much because every outing will cost at least $75 in babysitter costs.

This to me is a martyr.

Oh, well, we all make our choices in life. We shut up and lay in beds we made.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I first heard this term on dcum and it definitely applies to me. I’m a sahm with no help (but a great dh) and I always put my kids’ needs ahead of mine, without exception. It usually doesn’t occur to me to consider another option. I take great joy in them, love most parts of parenting and am not depressed, but am burned out and ground down. Feels like I’ve been running on empty for years. I can’t bring myself to do CIO, rarely turn to screens and funnel what money we have into enrichment. I see real benefits from all of this for my family but my personal physical and emotional health keeps getting worse. I do take baths and have coffee with friends now and then but no extras or anything that requires a babysitter.

Lately I’ve tried to really look at what is behind this. It’s not performative– –I’m not on social media and no one asks or cares about my specific parenting choices. I’m not trying to meet some societal or cultural standard. What I’ve come up with is that I’m scared of a slippery slope. That if I start, say, prioritizing exercise, then soon it’s massage and acupuncture appointments, and then PT and therapy. And then it’s girls nights and then trips… and then suddenly it’s a significant amount of time away from kids and $ that should be set aside for their future. I crave all of this stuff so much I don’t want to start down the path and give myself a “taste”.

Can anyone relate? I feel like the amount of self care I would ideally need is just out of the realm of possibility logistically and financially so why bother.

Preserving your physical health is important to your children. I exercise because I want to have as many years with my family as possible. I want to be healthy as long as I can be, so that I can be there for my grandkids if I am lucky enough to have them.

[Anonymous]

I think it’s significant that this question is posted in the baby thread. It’s much easier to be a martyr when your kids are very little than maintaining that all the way until they leave the house.

[Anonymous]

No need to be a martyr. I have always prioritized being a mom over anything else because my kids give me the most joy. So motherhood is amazing and I wanted to also enjoy whatever choices I made regarding WOH or SAH. I also wanted a great marriage and a home that was a haven for all family members. I have posted on another thread and I am copying and pasting it here. This was a response in how to be a SAHM.

This is opposite of being a martyr as most will agree. However, being a martyr many times is your own perspective. If you are happy in your life then you are not a martyr.

Anonymous wrote:I have been a SAHM for the last 20 years. My advice for transitioning successfully to being a SAHM is below. YMMV

1) Finances
Make sure that your financial future is rock solid secure. I do not have a prenup, I manage all the money, we own everything jointly, I also have my own money, I have put away money in trust for our kid's education, college, wedding, seed money to help with house purchase etc. I have managed the wealth that we have built up. Make sure your retirement is on track. Make sure you have lots of insurance so that you are never ever forced to go back to work in case of your spouse's death or disability due to financial reasons Make sure that you do not become poor due to divorce or DH losing his job. Two working spouses is a whole lot of financial security for the family and if you are now dependent on a single salary then you have to be very smart financially.

2) Chores
If you have the money (and because you have a large brood), please continue to outsource the domestic chores. You want your children to benefit from having an educated mother like you home, then the best use of your time for all of you is when you are managing rather than when you are a worker bee doing chores. This also takes care of any resentment that you may harbor towards your DH for not being hands-on, and it frees up the weekends for your spouse so that he can spend time with the kids.

3) Childcare and enrichment
Yes, continue with the Montessori, preschool, gym classes, mommy and me classes etc. It keeps the children engaged and it will give you breaks and space/time for planning and organizing. And if you ever return to work or are incapacitated or unavailable - you will have a structure for childcare and your kids will be used to having other caregivers.

4) Your health
Get all your checkups, eat nutritious food, get enough sleep and exercise first thing in the morning.

5) Your family's health
Get them all on a schedule and at the very least get all their wellness visits done in the first 2 months of the year to meet all and any deductibles. Make sure that your DH and you are in the best of health. Health should be a priority.

6) Keep your feet in the door in your field
Whatever very part time way you can be engaged in your industry, keep the doors open. One day you may decide to go back to work.

7) Declutter your house, organize your stuff, keep paperwork current, go minimalistic with possessions.
You cannot be a super anything if your health sucks and if you have a cluttered house.

8) Socialize, call people over, have a streamlined plan to have people over, simplify your entertaining and make it formulaic.
No need to become all IGworthy and to do a lot of fancy activities. Just keep calling people over for playdates, coffee, pizza dinners, cocktails etc. You need to build your tribe.

9) Have a weekly menu. Have a daily, weekly chore list. Then get it done.
Simplify, simplify.

10) Nail down the first 2 hours of the day for yourself and your kids.
Yes. First two hours of the day will determine how the rest of your day will unfold for you and your kids. Nail that shit down and make sure that everyone knows what needs to be done.

11) Get dressed. Get out.
Every day if you can help it. You and your kids need to get dressed first thing in the morning. It is very, very, very easy to get into a funk and things to spiral down.

12) Therapy
Have a therapist on standby. You may need help in navigating your new identity as your old identity gets erased. It is hard when people think you have no brains because you are home with your kids. Get a therapist, take meds if you are depressed, get exercising, get a life coach if needed.

[Anonymous]

^^tl;dr = be rich

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^^tl;dr = be rich

LOL! Its the rich mommies who commit suicide. Never heard of a LMC mommy wanting to hang herself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, the culture socialized you to feel that way and so you do. It’s good that you don’t feel awful but perhaps you can look for some ways to add balance.

Is this really our culture? Most responders seem to think a SAHM who won't exercise lest she fall into a spiral of therapy (?) and spa visits .. is disordered.

[Anonymous]

If you’re not being performative for social media, and you’re not constantly complaining about all the probably unnecessary stuff you’re doing for your kids/household, I don’t think I’d consider you a “mommy martyr” personally. The “mommy martyr” types I know will complain bitterly all day that their young toddler still doesn’t sleep through the night and is constantly pulling down mom’s shirt to nurse in public, or if they have older kids, complain about the endless kid activities and tutoring and stuff, while never actually taking steps to remedy these problems.