If you’re a mommy martyr, what’s behind it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I always wished my mom had friends (still do!), wished my mom took more care of herself, wished she put her marriage above children. I do love my mom, but she was lax on discipline and it shows with my sibling.

I've tried hard to not be a martyr and would disagree with a lot of your items that you think are "better". I think CIO has enabled my kids to be wonderful sleepers, which is a life long benefit. DH and I have had more time to reconnect at night because of it. You don't need exercise as much as you just need to eat less. You can't outrun the fork. Eating less won't take anything away from your kids or take up any more time. My kids and I hike and walk to playgrounds a lot. I also think that marriage should be prioritized first, not girls trips, but couples trips, date nights and caring for each other. The more love and caring I pour into our relationship, the better a father DH is too.

YES. I feel the same way. My mom would tell us how she washed the floors every day when we were very little, because it was The Right Thing To Do. She didn't seem to weigh how much effort it cost her. My mom devoted so much of herself to her kids, but there wasn't much left. At her funeral, I struggled to say something about her as a person rather than just as a devoted mom. And she was very needy with her kids even once we grew up, my sister became emotionally dependent on her, whereas I had to actively break away, which caused a lot of unnecessary heartache.

It is SO SO IMPORTANT to have balance, OP. And it is definitely not too late to change your approach, especially as your kids are getting older. I'm wondering why you are worried about the slippery slope? Do you have control issues or an addictive personality? What does your DH think about all this?

Why do you have to know your mother as a person? She was your mother. That was her role in your life.

And CIO is shirking your responsibility as a parent for selfish reasons and then pretending it's actually a healthy choice for your baby instead of for you. As if human kind had it wrong for thousands upon thousands of years, feeding and comforting their babies at night. CIO is barbaric.

A lot of moms disagree with you. I personally think NOT sleep training is mean. There seem to be a lot of moms who can’t tolerate their kids crying for any reason and tend to them during the night for years. Their children don’t learn to sleep or struggle for years and it affects their marriage, other kids, health, etc. There isn’t anything wrong with requiring your kid to sleep anymore than requiring the child to ride in a car seat. It’s your job to put your child’s health first as opposed to parent based on emotions (CIO is barbaric!).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are my mother. She thought she was GREAT. I found her suffocating as hell. Physically and emotionally, even though I couldn't articulate it for the first ten or so years I felt that way.

+1. I had a similar mom. She gave up her career and prioritized raising kids over everything else. Few interests or friends. She thought it made her terrific. I felt incredibly smothered and uncomfortable. I rebelled as a teen and likely because I needed space to breathe.

I have a few friends who are the mommy martyr types. No social life outside of kids. SAHMs. Everything for the kids. They have young kids and I can see how much they already pull away from their mom. It’s very obvious their moms need to step back and have their own life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I always wished my mom had friends (still do!), wished my mom took more care of herself, wished she put her marriage above children. I do love my mom, but she was lax on discipline and it shows with my sibling.

I've tried hard to not be a martyr and would disagree with a lot of your items that you think are "better". I think CIO has enabled my kids to be wonderful sleepers, which is a life long benefit. DH and I have had more time to reconnect at night because of it. You don't need exercise as much as you just need to eat less. You can't outrun the fork. Eating less won't take anything away from your kids or take up any more time. My kids and I hike and walk to playgrounds a lot. I also think that marriage should be prioritized first, not girls trips, but couples trips, date nights and caring for each other. The more love and caring I pour into our relationship, the better a father DH is too.

YES. I feel the same way. My mom would tell us how she washed the floors every day when we were very little, because it was The Right Thing To Do. She didn't seem to weigh how much effort it cost her. My mom devoted so much of herself to her kids, but there wasn't much left. At her funeral, I struggled to say something about her as a person rather than just as a devoted mom. And she was very needy with her kids even once we grew up, my sister became emotionally dependent on her, whereas I had to actively break away, which caused a lot of unnecessary heartache.

It is SO SO IMPORTANT to have balance, OP. And it is definitely not too late to change your approach, especially as your kids are getting older. I'm wondering why you are worried about the slippery slope? Do you have control issues or an addictive personality? What does your DH think about all this?

Why do you have to know your mother as a person? She was your mother. That was her role in your life.

And CIO is shirking your responsibility as a parent for selfish reasons and then pretending it's actually a healthy choice for your baby instead of for you. As if human kind had it wrong for thousands upon thousands of years, feeding and comforting their babies at night. CIO is barbaric.

Oh wow this is classic mommy martyr! Dramatic and highly emotional response about how “CIO is barbaric.”

Who cares about sleep, right? You should sacrifice sleep and your marriage so that your precious baby never cries at night. Make sure to not have a job so you can wake up throughout the night for your baby who doesn’t require a middle of the night feed. Then make sure to talk to your husband about how much you’re sacrificing for your family. Even though your husband never asked you to quit your job so you can stay up all night with a baby. Whenever your friends have careers and kids who sleep make sure to tell them how “lucky” they are that they have a good sleeper.

[Anonymous]

Where did you get that babies that don't do CIO have poor sleeping habits that affect their relationships years later? My oldest daughter didn't do CIO. She is now 13 and sleeps in her own bed all night long. Occasionally she'll wake up, go to the kitchen to check the clock, grab a cup of water, and go back to bed but she has only disturbed me twice- one time when she was six and woke me up to pour a cup of water and one time when I thought someone had broken into our house. My other daughter was an easy baby who never cried at night and slept anywhere but even though we never cosleeped as an infant, from ages 3-9 she begged to sleep in my bed every night.

[Anonymous]

CIO is a solution to a specific problem. Most babies don’t need it. My baby started STTN on her own and before it happened we did not find the night wake-ups to be too burdensome because I was on parental leave and could deal.

I don’t judge people who do CIO because I recognize that my baby was easy in this respect. But I also find it silly when people say stuff like “kids who don’t CIO never sleep properly.” Come on. Lots of kids sleep fine without it.

[Anonymous]

CIO is unnecessary. “Fuss it out” and “the pause” and gentle sleep coaching is all that is needed. Some of you have never read a single infant sleep book, and it shows.

Both of mine were down to one night feed at 4 months and STTN by 5 months without a single night of tears.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I always wished my mom had friends (still do!), wished my mom took more care of herself, wished she put her marriage above children. I do love my mom, but she was lax on discipline and it shows with my sibling.

I've tried hard to not be a martyr and would disagree with a lot of your items that you think are "better". I think CIO has enabled my kids to be wonderful sleepers, which is a life long benefit. DH and I have had more time to reconnect at night because of it. You don't need exercise as much as you just need to eat less. You can't outrun the fork. Eating less won't take anything away from your kids or take up any more time. My kids and I hike and walk to playgrounds a lot. I also think that marriage should be prioritized first, not girls trips, but couples trips, date nights and caring for each other. The more love and caring I pour into our relationship, the better a father DH is too.

YES. I feel the same way. My mom would tell us how she washed the floors every day when we were very little, because it was The Right Thing To Do. She didn't seem to weigh how much effort it cost her. My mom devoted so much of herself to her kids, but there wasn't much left. At her funeral, I struggled to say something about her as a person rather than just as a devoted mom. And she was very needy with her kids even once we grew up, my sister became emotionally dependent on her, whereas I had to actively break away, which caused a lot of unnecessary heartache.

It is SO SO IMPORTANT to have balance, OP. And it is definitely not too late to change your approach, especially as your kids are getting older. I'm wondering why you are worried about the slippery slope? Do you have control issues or an addictive personality? What does your DH think about all this?

Why do you have to know your mother as a person? She was your mother. That was her role in your life.

And CIO is shirking your responsibility as a parent for selfish reasons and then pretending it's actually a healthy choice for your baby instead of for you. As if human kind had it wrong for thousands upon thousands of years, feeding and comforting their babies at night. CIO is barbaric.

Oh wow this is classic mommy martyr! Dramatic and highly emotional response about how “CIO is barbaric.”

Who cares about sleep, right? You should sacrifice sleep and your marriage so that your precious baby never cries at night. Make sure to not have a job so you can wake up throughout the night for your baby who doesn’t require a middle of the night feed. Then make sure to talk to your husband about how much you’re sacrificing for your family. Even though your husband never asked you to quit your job so you can stay up all night with a baby. Whenever your friends have careers and kids who sleep make sure to tell them how “lucky” they are that they have a good sleeper.

+2 now THIS is a mommy martyr right here.

They always turn the conversation into a few different topics (mostly baby sleep, nursing/feeding, increasingly “appropriate” toys/no plastic) because they need to desperately convince themselves that taking the hardest path possible, and sacrificing the most possible, created a somehow better outcome for their kid.

[Anonymous]

Omg, go sign up for a lifetime fitness membership tomorrow. It will feel like a vacation. Get a membership for your kids too. You're welcome

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: Where did you get that babies that don't do CIO have poor sleeping habits that affect their relationships years later? My oldest daughter didn't do CIO. She is now 13 and sleeps in her own bed all night long. Occasionally she'll wake up, go to the kitchen to check the clock, grab a cup of water, and go back to bed but she has only disturbed me twice- one time when she was six and woke me up to pour a cup of water and one time when I thought someone had broken into our house. My other daughter was an easy baby who never cried at night and slept anywhere but even though we never cosleeped as an infant, from ages 3-9 she begged to sleep in my bed every night.

All babies wake up during the night then sleep through the night. All of them. Some do it with love and feeding and nurturing, some do it with barbaric CIO. But all of them grow out of waking up in the night. That's human development. It's better for babies to be loved and cared for than ignored IMO.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I always wished my mom had friends (still do!), wished my mom took more care of herself, wished she put her marriage above children. I do love my mom, but she was lax on discipline and it shows with my sibling.

I've tried hard to not be a martyr and would disagree with a lot of your items that you think are "better". I think CIO has enabled my kids to be wonderful sleepers, which is a life long benefit. DH and I have had more time to reconnect at night because of it. You don't need exercise as much as you just need to eat less. You can't outrun the fork. Eating less won't take anything away from your kids or take up any more time. My kids and I hike and walk to playgrounds a lot. I also think that marriage should be prioritized first, not girls trips, but couples trips, date nights and caring for each other. The more love and caring I pour into our relationship, the better a father DH is too.

YES. I feel the same way. My mom would tell us how she washed the floors every day when we were very little, because it was The Right Thing To Do. She didn't seem to weigh how much effort it cost her. My mom devoted so much of herself to her kids, but there wasn't much left. At her funeral, I struggled to say something about her as a person rather than just as a devoted mom. And she was very needy with her kids even once we grew up, my sister became emotionally dependent on her, whereas I had to actively break away, which caused a lot of unnecessary heartache.

It is SO SO IMPORTANT to have balance, OP. And it is definitely not too late to change your approach, especially as your kids are getting older. I'm wondering why you are worried about the slippery slope? Do you have control issues or an addictive personality? What does your DH think about all this?

Why do you have to know your mother as a person? She was your mother. That was her role in your life.

And CIO is shirking your responsibility as a parent for selfish reasons and then pretending it's actually a healthy choice for your baby instead of for you. As if human kind had it wrong for thousands upon thousands of years, feeding and comforting their babies at night. CIO is barbaric.

Oh wow this is classic mommy martyr! Dramatic and highly emotional response about how “CIO is barbaric.”

Who cares about sleep, right? You should sacrifice sleep and your marriage so that your precious baby never cries at night. Make sure to not have a job so you can wake up throughout the night for your baby who doesn’t require a middle of the night feed. Then make sure to talk to your husband about how much you’re sacrificing for your family. Even though your husband never asked you to quit your job so you can stay up all night with a baby. Whenever your friends have careers and kids who sleep make sure to tell them how “lucky” they are that they have a good sleeper.

If you didn't realize having a baby meant you would be sacrificing sleep, you must have been living under a rock. It's universal. The only reason you do CIO is because you have a job. You can say, "We can't afford a baby so let's not have one" but you just can't say, "We can't lose sleep because I work full time." If you can't do the job, don't have a baby, or hire a night nanny to do the job for you. Don't pretend it's okay to let a baby scream because you need to go to work the next day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are my mother. She thought she was GREAT. I found her suffocating as hell. Physically and emotionally, even though I couldn't articulate it for the first ten or so years I felt that way.

+1. I had a similar mom. She gave up her career and prioritized raising kids over everything else. Few interests or friends. She thought it made her terrific. I felt incredibly smothered and uncomfortable. I rebelled as a teen and likely because I needed space to breathe.

I have a few friends who are the mommy martyr types. No social life outside of kids. SAHMs. Everything for the kids. They have young kids and I can see how much they already pull away from their mom. It’s very obvious their moms need to step back and have their own life.

You are pigeon-holing these mom. Some of them identified too much with their work before having kids. I cannot be good at both simultaneously. When I worked it my work was my priority. Unfortunately my spouse never contributed to family while I worked. Constant barrage of calls. It was like having three jobs — one that paid me, one that I was married to and one that had to do with my kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are my mother. She thought she was GREAT. I found her suffocating as hell. Physically and emotionally, even though I couldn't articulate it for the first ten or so years I felt that way.

+1. I had a similar mom. She gave up her career and prioritized raising kids over everything else. Few interests or friends. She thought it made her terrific. I felt incredibly smothered and uncomfortable. I rebelled as a teen and likely because I needed space to breathe.

I have a few friends who are the mommy martyr types. No social life outside of kids. SAHMs. Everything for the kids. They have young kids and I can see how much they already pull away from their mom. It’s very obvious their moms need to step back and have their own life.

LOL that's normal for kids. They're growing up. Do you think they'll be attached at the hip forever? That is not the goal, for a SAHM or a working mom. Kids let their moms go and start being more and more attached to their peers. Totally normal and to be expected. You have some weird ideas about children if you think they're rejecting their mother by doing that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I always wished my mom had friends (still do!), wished my mom took more care of herself, wished she put her marriage above children. I do love my mom, but she was lax on discipline and it shows with my sibling.

I've tried hard to not be a martyr and would disagree with a lot of your items that you think are "better". I think CIO has enabled my kids to be wonderful sleepers, which is a life long benefit. DH and I have had more time to reconnect at night because of it. You don't need exercise as much as you just need to eat less. You can't outrun the fork. Eating less won't take anything away from your kids or take up any more time. My kids and I hike and walk to playgrounds a lot. I also think that marriage should be prioritized first, not girls trips, but couples trips, date nights and caring for each other. The more love and caring I pour into our relationship, the better a father DH is too.

YES. I feel the same way. My mom would tell us how she washed the floors every day when we were very little, because it was The Right Thing To Do. She didn't seem to weigh how much effort it cost her. My mom devoted so much of herself to her kids, but there wasn't much left. At her funeral, I struggled to say something about her as a person rather than just as a devoted mom. And she was very needy with her kids even once we grew up, my sister became emotionally dependent on her, whereas I had to actively break away, which caused a lot of unnecessary heartache.

It is SO SO IMPORTANT to have balance, OP. And it is definitely not too late to change your approach, especially as your kids are getting older. I'm wondering why you are worried about the slippery slope? Do you have control issues or an addictive personality? What does your DH think about all this?

Why do you have to know your mother as a person? She was your mother. That was her role in your life.

And CIO is shirking your responsibility as a parent for selfish reasons and then pretending it's actually a healthy choice for your baby instead of for you. As if human kind had it wrong for thousands upon thousands of years, feeding and comforting their babies at night. CIO is barbaric.

Oh wow this is classic mommy martyr! Dramatic and highly emotional response about how “CIO is barbaric.”

Who cares about sleep, right? You should sacrifice sleep and your marriage so that your precious baby never cries at night. Make sure to not have a job so you can wake up throughout the night for your baby who doesn’t require a middle of the night feed. Then make sure to talk to your husband about how much you’re sacrificing for your family. Even though your husband never asked you to quit your job so you can stay up all night with a baby. Whenever your friends have careers and kids who sleep make sure to tell them how “lucky” they are that they have a good sleeper.

If you didn't realize having a baby meant you would be sacrificing sleep, you must have been living under a rock. It's universal. The only reason you do CIO is because you have a job. You can say, "We can't afford a baby so let's not have one" but you just can't say, "We can't lose sleep because I work full time." If you can't do the job, don't have a baby, or hire a night nanny to do the job for you. Don't pretend it's okay to let a baby scream because you need to go to work the next day.

NP. Excuse me, I work full time and so does my husband and we most certainly did not do barbaric cry it out. Don’t act like all working parents do CIO. I agree that it’s a selfish and lazy thing to do, but plenty of SAHMs do cry it out and plenty of working moms wouldn’t dream of it. So stop with the generalizations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I always wished my mom had friends (still do!), wished my mom took more care of herself, wished she put her marriage above children. I do love my mom, but she was lax on discipline and it shows with my sibling.

I've tried hard to not be a martyr and would disagree with a lot of your items that you think are "better". I think CIO has enabled my kids to be wonderful sleepers, which is a life long benefit. DH and I have had more time to reconnect at night because of it. You don't need exercise as much as you just need to eat less. You can't outrun the fork. Eating less won't take anything away from your kids or take up any more time. My kids and I hike and walk to playgrounds a lot. I also think that marriage should be prioritized first, not girls trips, but couples trips, date nights and caring for each other. The more love and caring I pour into our relationship, the better a father DH is too.

YES. I feel the same way. My mom would tell us how she washed the floors every day when we were very little, because it was The Right Thing To Do. She didn't seem to weigh how much effort it cost her. My mom devoted so much of herself to her kids, but there wasn't much left. At her funeral, I struggled to say something about her as a person rather than just as a devoted mom. And she was very needy with her kids even once we grew up, my sister became emotionally dependent on her, whereas I had to actively break away, which caused a lot of unnecessary heartache.

It is SO SO IMPORTANT to have balance, OP. And it is definitely not too late to change your approach, especially as your kids are getting older. I'm wondering why you are worried about the slippery slope? Do you have control issues or an addictive personality? What does your DH think about all this?

Why do you have to know your mother as a person? She was your mother. That was her role in your life.

And CIO is shirking your responsibility as a parent for selfish reasons and then pretending it's actually a healthy choice for your baby instead of for you. As if human kind had it wrong for thousands upon thousands of years, feeding and comforting their babies at night. CIO is barbaric.

Oh wow this is classic mommy martyr! Dramatic and highly emotional response about how “CIO is barbaric.”

Who cares about sleep, right? You should sacrifice sleep and your marriage so that your precious baby never cries at night. Make sure to not have a job so you can wake up throughout the night for your baby who doesn’t require a middle of the night feed. Then make sure to talk to your husband about how much you’re sacrificing for your family. Even though your husband never asked you to quit your job so you can stay up all night with a baby. Whenever your friends have careers and kids who sleep make sure to tell them how “lucky” they are that they have a good sleeper.

If you didn't realize having a baby meant you would be sacrificing sleep, you must have been living under a rock. It's universal. The only reason you do CIO is because you have a job. You can say, "We can't afford a baby so let's not have one" but you just can't say, "We can't lose sleep because I work full time." If you can't do the job, don't have a baby, or hire a night nanny to do the job for you. Don't pretend it's okay to let a baby scream because you need to go to work the next day.

NP. Excuse me, I work full time and so does my husband and we most certainly did not do barbaric cry it out. Don’t act like all working parents do CIO. I agree that it’s a selfish and lazy thing to do, but plenty of SAHMs do cry it out and plenty of working moms wouldn’t dream of it. So stop with the generalizations.

If you didn't do CIO because you had to get up for work the next day, then the post was not directed at you. I wasn't generalizing -- I was addressing the post directly above the response (which is a common excuse for CIO).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I always wished my mom had friends (still do!), wished my mom took more care of herself, wished she put her marriage above children. I do love my mom, but she was lax on discipline and it shows with my sibling.

I've tried hard to not be a martyr and would disagree with a lot of your items that you think are "better". I think CIO has enabled my kids to be wonderful sleepers, which is a life long benefit. DH and I have had more time to reconnect at night because of it. You don't need exercise as much as you just need to eat less. You can't outrun the fork. Eating less won't take anything away from your kids or take up any more time. My kids and I hike and walk to playgrounds a lot. I also think that marriage should be prioritized first, not girls trips, but couples trips, date nights and caring for each other. The more love and caring I pour into our relationship, the better a father DH is too.

YES. I feel the same way. My mom would tell us how she washed the floors every day when we were very little, because it was The Right Thing To Do. She didn't seem to weigh how much effort it cost her. My mom devoted so much of herself to her kids, but there wasn't much left. At her funeral, I struggled to say something about her as a person rather than just as a devoted mom. And she was very needy with her kids even once we grew up, my sister became emotionally dependent on her, whereas I had to actively break away, which caused a lot of unnecessary heartache.

It is SO SO IMPORTANT to have balance, OP. And it is definitely not too late to change your approach, especially as your kids are getting older. I'm wondering why you are worried about the slippery slope? Do you have control issues or an addictive personality? What does your DH think about all this?

Why do you have to know your mother as a person? She was your mother. That was her role in your life.

And CIO is shirking your responsibility as a parent for selfish reasons and then pretending it's actually a healthy choice for your baby instead of for you. As if human kind had it wrong for thousands upon thousands of years, feeding and comforting their babies at night. CIO is barbaric.

Oh wow this is classic mommy martyr! Dramatic and highly emotional response about how “CIO is barbaric.”

Who cares about sleep, right? You should sacrifice sleep and your marriage so that your precious baby never cries at night. Make sure to not have a job so you can wake up throughout the night for your baby who doesn’t require a middle of the night feed. Then make sure to talk to your husband about how much you’re sacrificing for your family. Even though your husband never asked you to quit your job so you can stay up all night with a baby. Whenever your friends have careers and kids who sleep make sure to tell them how “lucky” they are that they have a good sleeper.

If you didn't realize having a baby meant you would be sacrificing sleep, you must have been living under a rock. It's universal. The only reason you do CIO is because you have a job. You can say, "We can't afford a baby so let's not have one" but you just can't say, "We can't lose sleep because I work full time." If you can't do the job, don't have a baby, or hire a night nanny to do the job for you. Don't pretend it's okay to let a baby scream because you need to go to work the next day.

NP. Excuse me, I work full time and so does my husband and we most certainly did not do barbaric cry it out. Don’t act like all working parents do CIO. I agree that it’s a selfish and lazy thing to do, but plenty of SAHMs do cry it out and plenty of working moms wouldn’t dream of it. So stop with the generalizations.

If you didn't do CIO because you had to get up for work the next day, then the post was not directed at you. I wasn't generalizing -- I was addressing the post directly above the response (which is a common excuse for CIO).

Dp. I’m a working parent who didn’t have to do cio, but I would have at least tried it. Why? Because I’m a human being who needs sleep, regardless of jobs and babies. I know you don’t view mothers as people, but that’s your warped view of motherhood that, thank goodness, most people don’t share.