If you’re a mommy martyr, what’s behind it?

[Anonymous]

My mom was like this. You know what it did to ME? Made me feel absolutely guilty anytime I did anything for myself. I posted recently in Health And Medicine about never taking a mental health day. I think that's partly because I know my mom would never in a million years have taken a day off. My
Mental health has suffered because I hold back on caring for myself. Not as much as my mom, but definitely to some degree. I'm teaching my kids to find a balance.

So while you think it's good for your kids, think about the message you are sending them about self care and mental health.

[Anonymous]

Such an unattractive trait. I would always avoid the mommy martyr types at my kids’ schools.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom was like this. You know what it did to ME? Made me feel absolutely guilty anytime I did anything for myself. I posted recently in Health And Medicine about never taking a mental health day. I think that's partly because I know my mom would never in a million years have taken a day off. My
Mental health has suffered because I hold back on caring for myself. Not as much as my mom, but definitely to some degree. I'm teaching my kids to find a balance.

So while you think it's good for your kids, think about the message you are sending them about self care and mental health.

This is an excellent point. If OP never models for her kids what it looks like to take time for herself, then how will they ever learn it for themselves. I also think it’s detrimental to never leave them. The message then becomes that as a kid, I can’t handle things unless my mom is here. I can’t work through the experience of missing my parent and/or having to do something on my own. That’s not what OP should want for her kids.

[Anonymous]

You can't pour from an empty cup. The thing your kids need the most is a healthy mother who is capable of being for them long term. Working yourself into the ground doesn't achieve that.

What do you want to model for your daughters? That once they have kids their own needs no longer matter? That their entire identities should revolve around their families?

[Anonymous]

My mom is an adult child of alcoholics, which means she is a martyr. So I tend to be one too, though I fight it.

[Anonymous]

Interesting about the alcoholic parents. I am the child of alcoholics with 7 brothers and sisters. Two of my sisters are mommy martyrs and both have raised extremely anxious and dependent children (now in their 20s). Even now it’s extremely difficult for me to persuade my sisters to go to the movies or anything because they are always convinced their kids need them for something.

[Anonymous]

I wasn’t a mommy martyr I always had a full time job, but my waking hours were consumed by kid stuff until they were over, say 5. Sadly then it was the pandemic, but in the last year I have started to do so many *me* activities that I get were impossible before. So it may just be a matter of time.

[Anonymous]

How old are your kids OP?

[Anonymous]

I know a couple of mommy martyrs and they have deep-seated family of origin issues. And they would probably say they are happy or fulfilled too, but they appear to others as beyond miserable and suffocated.

[Anonymous]

OP forgetting the specifics of your post, you have thinking patterns that aren't tethered to reality. Thinking that if you got your nails done that it would lead to eventual neglect, for example.

CBT therapy is great for helping people understand their negative thought patterns and working towards addressing them.

So maybe for you that's all that is behind this. Good news is it's something you can work on!

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry OP. Please seek help. Your kids need to see you fulfill your own needs and not sacrifice it all for them. Please understand that.

[Anonymous]

Are you ready to hear from a therapist that you ARE getting something out of this? Because I suspect one would tell you that you are getting:

a) Validation that you are "the center of the universe" and "the only one who can do" and "the only one who can make the world turn" for your family

b) Trying to heal your own childhood trauma or pain by Being The Mom You Never Had

c) Justifying your lack of a job by making it So Important That You Be the One to Do Anything...like, you feel inadequate that you're not making your own money or using your degree or whatever. You're essentially making motherhood and homemaking caregiving be the hardest it can possibly be so that you are justified in your SAHM choice because "the universe would fall apart if I didn't Mommy Martyr." Maybe because you never really cut it in the workforce?

You're doing this to yourself because you are getting some form of justification or validation or benefit from it. Explore that.

[Anonymous]

I always wished my mom had friends (still do!), wished my mom took more care of herself, wished she put her marriage above children. I do love my mom, but she was lax on discipline and it shows with my sibling.

I've tried hard to not be a martyr and would disagree with a lot of your items that you think are "better". I think CIO has enabled my kids to be wonderful sleepers, which is a life long benefit. DH and I have had more time to reconnect at night because of it. You don't need exercise as much as you just need to eat less. You can't outrun the fork. Eating less won't take anything away from your kids or take up any more time. My kids and I hike and walk to playgrounds a lot. I also think that marriage should be prioritized first, not girls trips, but couples trips, date nights and caring for each other. The more love and caring I pour into our relationship, the better a father DH is too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I see why you would say that…but the thing is that I’m not sad. If you met me, you might say I’m frumpy and tired, but pretty happy… I am more fulfilled than when I had a career, as crazy as that sounds. I love being with kids and wish I can chosen a path that involved them. I can talk about anything and have great friends. But there is a level of depletion, exhaustion…and I can’t seem to break this habit of focusing outward. I am an older mom which, for me, has meant more gratitude but maybe a greater physical toll and a greater sense of “now I have what I wanted and I need to do this right.”

NP. A happy person would not be on DCUM calling themselves a Mommy Martyr, so...

[Anonymous]

OP - It sounds like you aren’t performing for peers or social media, but what about your spouse? Do you feel like screen time or taking the kids to the gym daycare while you exercise is equivalent to sleeping on the job since raising kids and tending to the home is your full time job? Most of us only work 40 hours at our full time jobs and still manage to squeeze in some girls nights and workouts between those 40hrs and household chores.

When I had a consulting job where I billed in 15 min increments, I felt intense guilt if I felt like I wasn’t efficient and effective with my time - what if my client asked me to justify my hours? And they said something like “what took so long?”.

Would it make you feel better to discuss what you think is reasonable and what your spouse actually expects? I have a hunch you are being way harder on yourself than he realizes.