Reply to If you’re a mommy martyr, what’s behind it?

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Reply to "If you’re a mommy martyr, what’s behind it?"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]My mom was like this. You know what it did to ME? Made me feel absolutely guilty anytime I did anything for myself. I posted recently in Health And Medicine about never taking a mental health day. I think that's partly because I know my mom would never in a million years have taken a day off. My
Mental health has suffered because I hold back on caring for myself. Not as much as my mom, but definitely to some degree. I'm teaching my kids to find a balance.

So while you think it's good for your kids, think about the message you are sending them about self care and mental health. [/quote]

I relate to this so much. My mom was the ultimate mommy martyr. She lived in service to her family. It created an unhealthy dynamic: when we were young kids we took everything she did for granted, including my dad, who became complacent. It was unsustainable and led to frequent family conflicts.

I did not understand it until later. If you watched The Joy Luck Club, there's a story line about Rose, who was devoted to her husband and did everything for him, only to push him away emotionally because she had no identity left and he could not respect her as a person.

That's how it was with my mom. She did not respect her own needs, so we didn't respect her needs either. And she'd feel resentful and erupt, so we try to do better, only to be shut down b/c we didn't do things the way she liked and the cycle continued.

As I got older the guilt just kept building up. There was one incident that was clear as day in my memory. My mom made my favorite dish, braised meat, and we sat down to share a meal. She took only the worst, barely edible parts, and saved the best meat for me. I tried to put some good pieces on her plate, but she insistently pushed my hands away: I must have all the good meat. I burst into tears in frustration. She only ever knew how to give, give, give, but did not know how to take once in a while. It was so unhealthy and so exhausting.

If you don't show your kids (and others in your life) that your needs matter, that you matter, and that you're a whole person aside from your role as mom/caregiver, your kids will either grow up entitled, or they'd be laden with guilt. Treat yourself how you want others to treat you. Learn to take once in a while--it would give your loved ones so much pleasure.

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