If you’re a mommy martyr, what’s behind it?

[Anonymous]

I’m a SAHM who feels some of this and I feel like a lot of “self care” is just more of a trap. Exercising, eating well and some of spending time with my spouse are just chores I have to do to be a “better person” for…my children and spouse, whom I already serve all day long. Better do your self-care, or your kids will resent you! Better do your self-care, so your husband will still want you! It’s the same thing as mopping the floor.

What really recharges me is time with friends, creative pursuits and what I would call restorative time, which for me can be hiking quite slowly or sitting on the porch. But really you have to at least be rested and not overwhelmed by other tasks to do these things so it’s very hard to cram them in at 5am or whatever.

Lots of working moms might say hey, I don’t have time for that stuff either! Which is true but it’s because your life also sucks. Some jobs tick the creative pursuit and time with friends boxes, at least partly, but many don’t. When people say they are happier working I think that’s often why (other big reason is obviously financial).

[Anonymous]

The “slippery slope” you describe OP just sounds like balance. Giving yourself the time and permission to exercise, getting regular massages, going out with your girlfriends, a solo trip with your husband…why aren’t you giving yourself permission to enjoy these things? Perhaps you’re afraid you’ll feel guilty, which I get bc I struggle with that too. But allowing myself to just acknowledge the guilty feelings, but not let them stop me from doing things for myself, has allowed me to enjoy the non-mom sides of my life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you’re not being performative for social media, and you’re not constantly complaining about all the probably unnecessary stuff you’re doing for your kids/household, I don’t think I’d consider you a “mommy martyr” personally. The “mommy martyr” types I know will complain bitterly all day that their young toddler still doesn’t sleep through the night and is constantly pulling down mom’s shirt to nurse in public, or if they have older kids, complain about the endless kid activities and tutoring and stuff, while never actually taking steps to remedy these problems.

+1. The mommy martyrs I know all complain about various problems that are relatively easy to solve. They never take any action to solve the problems so I assume they either LIKE IT that way or are true unintelligent. For example kids who are two years old not STTN. One thing these moms have in common is that they rarely leave the house and seem unwilling to cede any control to their husbands. They complain about not being able to leave their child with their husband which is so strange to me. Taking care of young kids is manual labor and anyone can do it. If your husband can get himself dressed and prepare lunch then he can do the same with your four year old. My guess is they these women enjoy their role in their family and want their husband to stay incompetent.

I do wonder what will happen to these moms years later. Kids will need you less and be in school FT. It seems like there could be some major issues later on when the mom doesn’t have anything to do and takes it out on the family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m a SAHM who feels some of this and I feel like a lot of “self care” is just more of a trap. Exercising, eating well and some of spending time with my spouse are just chores I have to do to be a “better person” for…my children and spouse, whom I already serve all day long. Better do your self-care, or your kids will resent you! Better do your self-care, so your husband will still want you! It’s the same thing as mopping the floor.

What really recharges me is time with friends, creative pursuits and what I would call restorative time, which for me can be hiking quite slowly or sitting on the porch. But really you have to at least be rested and not overwhelmed by other tasks to do these things so it’s very hard to cram them in at 5am or whatever.

Lots of working moms might say hey, I don’t have time for that stuff either! Which is true but it’s because your life also sucks. Some jobs tick the creative pursuit and time with friends boxes, at least partly, but many don’t. When people say they are happier working I think that’s often why (other big reason is obviously financial).

Nah you just feel this way because that’s who you currently work for. If you had your own identity and life outside of your kids then you wouldn’t feel like working out is being done for your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are my mother. She thought she was GREAT. I found her suffocating as hell. Physically and emotionally, even though I couldn't articulate it for the first ten or so years I felt that way.

Same as my mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I first heard this term on dcum and it definitely applies to me. I’m a sahm with no help (but a great dh) and I always put my kids’ needs ahead of mine, without exception. It usually doesn’t occur to me to consider another option. I take great joy in them, love most parts of parenting and am not depressed, but am burned out and ground down. Feels like I’ve been running on empty for years. I can’t bring myself to do CIO, rarely turn to screens and funnel what money we have into enrichment. I see real benefits from all of this for my family but my personal physical and emotional health keeps getting worse. I do take baths and have coffee with friends now and then but no extras or anything that requires a babysitter.

Lately I’ve tried to really look at what is behind this. It’s not performative– –I’m not on social media and no one asks or cares about my specific parenting choices. I’m not trying to meet some societal or cultural standard. What I’ve come up with is that I’m scared of a slippery slope. That if I start, say, prioritizing exercise, then soon it’s massage and acupuncture appointments, and then PT and therapy. And then it’s girls nights and then trips… and then suddenly it’s a significant amount of time away from kids and $ that should be set aside for their future. I crave all of this stuff so much I don’t want to start down the path and give myself a “taste”.

Can anyone relate? I feel like the amount of self care I would ideally need is just out of the realm of possibility logistically and financially so why bother.

You're doing a great job, being the best parent you can be. Some people have a good work ethic and some people don't. I always tell my kids, your worth ethic is something that goes with you.

I'm sure you would give 110% in any other situation, too. Being a SAHM is hard. It doesn't last forever. Don't kick yourself for being tired. Do some small things to alleviate that feeling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I always wished my mom had friends (still do!), wished my mom took more care of herself, wished she put her marriage above children. I do love my mom, but she was lax on discipline and it shows with my sibling.

I've tried hard to not be a martyr and would disagree with a lot of your items that you think are "better". I think CIO has enabled my kids to be wonderful sleepers, which is a life long benefit. DH and I have had more time to reconnect at night because of it. You don't need exercise as much as you just need to eat less. You can't outrun the fork. Eating less won't take anything away from your kids or take up any more time. My kids and I hike and walk to playgrounds a lot. I also think that marriage should be prioritized first, not girls trips, but couples trips, date nights and caring for each other. The more love and caring I pour into our relationship, the better a father DH is too.

YES. I feel the same way. My mom would tell us how she washed the floors every day when we were very little, because it was The Right Thing To Do. She didn't seem to weigh how much effort it cost her. My mom devoted so much of herself to her kids, but there wasn't much left. At her funeral, I struggled to say something about her as a person rather than just as a devoted mom. And she was very needy with her kids even once we grew up, my sister became emotionally dependent on her, whereas I had to actively break away, which caused a lot of unnecessary heartache.

It is SO SO IMPORTANT to have balance, OP. And it is definitely not too late to change your approach, especially as your kids are getting older. I'm wondering why you are worried about the slippery slope? Do you have control issues or an addictive personality? What does your DH think about all this?

Why do you have to know your mother as a person? She was your mother. That was her role in your life.

And CIO is shirking your responsibility as a parent for selfish reasons and then pretending it's actually a healthy choice for your baby instead of for you. As if human kind had it wrong for thousands upon thousands of years, feeding and comforting their babies at night. CIO is barbaric.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m a SAHM who feels some of this and I feel like a lot of “self care” is just more of a trap. Exercising, eating well and some of spending time with my spouse are just chores I have to do to be a “better person” for…my children and spouse, whom I already serve all day long. Better do your self-care, or your kids will resent you! Better do your self-care, so your husband will still want you! It’s the same thing as mopping the floor.

What really recharges me is time with friends, creative pursuits and what I would call restorative time, which for me can be hiking quite slowly or sitting on the porch. But really you have to at least be rested and not overwhelmed by other tasks to do these things so it’s very hard to cram them in at 5am or whatever.

Lots of working moms might say hey, I don’t have time for that stuff either! Which is true but it’s because your life also sucks. Some jobs tick the creative pursuit and time with friends boxes, at least partly, but many don’t. When people say they are happier working I think that’s often why (other big reason is obviously financial).

That’s a good point. My job fills that role for me, so I’m lucky. My best friend (from childhood) works in my field (in a different role), so does my brother. My closest colleague is a friend, and so on and so forth. I easily have a lot of convos that switch between industry talk and really personal stuff.

[Anonymous]

I really believe all moms need some time away from their kids for themselves. Some kids sleep 12 hours a night and that’s enough for the mom, some dads are good about really taking over but if you don’t have that having a TV least a few hours of paid child care makes a difference. My kids barely sleep and my DH works a lot so I don’t feel like myself unless I have some paid help. To me, doing that is self care because I do it for myself. I do choose to work PT during that time because I like my work and I like the connection with people in that field. But even if I didn’t work I would need time apart from my kids. It’s only now that I am starting to be able to have adult conversations when my kids are around (there are some mild SN at play so that’s part of it) and I really need that. I don’t think of myself as a martyr because I do those things for myself, though I try hard to make sure they are not at the detriment of my kids (using the best childcare that I can find, limiting the hours enough that I still spend lots of time with them and can take them to therapies etc.)

But there truth is, if I’m being honest, sometimes the balance gets a bit off and something isn’t working. It turns out that the childcare isn’t right for some reason or something else happens. You have to trust yourself that you will fix it. I have had to correct over the years, and cut back in different ways and stay up to late during transition periods so my kids are still getting what they need during the day. It’s ok. You will still be a good mom if something isn’t just right for a little bit. You won’t let your kid suffer, and it’s good for them to have to compromise a little bit sometimes on small things like no you can’t do a third day of gymnastics because I need a night I’m not driving people somewhere. They need to hear that your needs are part of the equation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I first heard this term on dcum and it definitely applies to me. I’m a sahm with no help (but a great dh) and I always put my kids’ needs ahead of mine, without exception. It usually doesn’t occur to me to consider another option. I take great joy in them, love most parts of parenting and am not depressed, but am burned out and ground down. Feels like I’ve been running on empty for years. I can’t bring myself to do CIO, rarely turn to screens and funnel what money we have into enrichment. I see real benefits from all of this for my family but my personal physical and emotional health keeps getting worse. I do take baths and have coffee with friends now and then but no extras or anything that requires a babysitter.

Lately I’ve tried to really look at what is behind this. It’s not performative– –I’m not on social media and no one asks or cares about my specific parenting choices. I’m not trying to meet some societal or cultural standard. What I’ve come up with is that I’m scared of a slippery slope. That if I start, say, prioritizing exercise, then soon it’s massage and acupuncture appointments, and then PT and therapy. And then it’s girls nights and then trips… and then suddenly it’s a significant amount of time away from kids and $ that should be set aside for their future. I crave all of this stuff so much I don’t want to start down the path and give myself a “taste”.

Can anyone relate? I feel like the amount of self care I would ideally need is just out of the realm of possibility logistically and financially so why bother.

You're doing a great job, being the best parent you can be. Some people have a good work ethic and some people don't. I always tell my kids, your worth ethic is something that goes with you.

I'm sure you would give 110% in any other situation, too. Being a SAHM is hard. It doesn't last forever. Don't kick yourself for being tired. Do some small things to alleviate that feeling.

I disagree- she’s not doing a great job because she’s not putting her physical and emotional needs first. If this were a WOH job it would be toxic. There needs to be balance, and the things you’re asking for: exercise, nights out with friends, vacations, and massages, are important and NOT secondary to your kids. Hire a babysitter or make your spouse take on some of this responsibility! It can’t all be on you, even if your job is a SAHM. We all have to delegate sometimes.

If it’s really money that’s causing this struggle and making you feel like you don’t have options, then you and your spouse really need to take a hard look at how to fix that in your family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thank you for your perspective, PP. I think I need to reject the term as well and allow myself to feel proud of the choices we’ve made and how we’ve prioritized things. It’s hard when you keep reading how important self care is and the list of all the things I’m supposed to be able to somehow incorporate into my life, from meditation to girls trips and so on… In some ways parenting is my self care, but it’s also what’s wearing me down.

I'm the poster you replied to.

I'm a mixed-race foreigner who came to this country in her 20s. I've been different all my life, enough to be entirely comfortable making choices that aren't those of others around me. So when I read the self-help drivel that gets passed off as advice, I laugh. Perhaps they cater to the lowest common denominator, I don't know. I don't want girls' weekends, or spas or gym sessions or meditation, or whatever they're pushing. I love to read a book at home with a nice cup of tea, I love to walk my dog in all weather (the colder and windier the better), I love to foster rescue puppies in my home until they can be adopted, and I love to visit individual friends in their homes and have a nice cup of tea and a chat. I've done that ever since I met them when my oldest was about 2. We would have playdates as well. Now he's a senior and we still do the chat and tea thing.

It's all about knowing yourself and doing what makes YOU happy, OP. Ignore the drivel.

NP. Wow, the bolded is nasty. I cannot imagine living a life where I could so casually speak of other people that way, particularly struggling new mothers.

I’m glad you found a path through your life, but I’d never want to become a person who could talk like you just did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I first heard this term on dcum and it definitely applies to me. I’m a sahm with no help (but a great dh) and I always put my kids’ needs ahead of mine, without exception. It usually doesn’t occur to me to consider another option. I take great joy in them, love most parts of parenting and am not depressed, but am burned out and ground down. Feels like I’ve been running on empty for years. I can’t bring myself to do CIO, rarely turn to screens and funnel what money we have into enrichment. I see real benefits from all of this for my family but my personal physical and emotional health keeps getting worse. I do take baths and have coffee with friends now and then but no extras or anything that requires a babysitter.

Lately I’ve tried to really look at what is behind this. It’s not performative– –I’m not on social media and no one asks or cares about my specific parenting choices. I’m not trying to meet some societal or cultural standard. What I’ve come up with is that I’m scared of a slippery slope. That if I start, say, prioritizing exercise, then soon it’s massage and acupuncture appointments, and then PT and therapy. And then it’s girls nights and then trips… and then suddenly it’s a significant amount of time away from kids and $ that should be set aside for their future. I crave all of this stuff so much I don’t want to start down the path and give myself a “taste”.

Can anyone relate? I feel like the amount of self care I would ideally need is just out of the realm of possibility logistically and financially so why bother.

You're doing a great job, being the best parent you can be. Some people have a good work ethic and some people don't. I always tell my kids, your worth ethic is something that goes with you.

I'm sure you would give 110% in any other situation, too. Being a SAHM is hard. It doesn't last forever. Don't kick yourself for being tired. Do some small things to alleviate that feeling.

I disagree- she’s not doing a great job because she’s not putting her physical and emotional needs first. If this were a WOH job it would be toxic. There needs to be balance, and the things you’re asking for: exercise, nights out with friends, vacations, and massages, are important and NOT secondary to your kids. Hire a babysitter or make your spouse take on some of this responsibility! It can’t all be on you, even if your job is a SAHM. We all have to delegate sometimes.

If it’s really money that’s causing this struggle and making you feel like you don’t have options, then you and your spouse really need to take a hard look at how to fix that in your family.

Putting her needs first does not equal doing the best job. Would you say that about someone becoming a doctor? Don't spend so much time studying and working around the clock when you could be putting your own needs first? Some things are worth doing, even though they're incredibly difficult. Not everyone is up to the task.

[Anonymous]

Some perspective:

I'm 78 years old. I have two children, obviously grown. That was 20 years of my 60 years (so far) of adulthood.

Even if you're really into this "mommy martyr" thing, the math doesn't work out so well.

[Anonymous]

I love that you’re being thoughtful about this. I would just see physical health as an absolute non-negotiable. You must prioritize daily exercise for your self and healthy eating. If you have a heart attack or stroke or get diabetes when your kids are teens or young adults, you’ll be a terrible burden on them. And you’ll miss out on a long and healthy life with them too!

[Anonymous]

I'm not a sahm and don't know anyone that does girls weekends, exercises regularly, gets sitters regularly and isn't stressed. I don't know that this is something exclusive to you OP.