Marrying someone with kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, I regret it most days. I don't expect our marriage to last forever. When he has grandkids, I'll probably bail because our marriage hasn't been that good overall, and I don't want to do with anymore complications - not worth it. I'd rather be single for the rest of my life than deal with any further complications.

Are you the OP of the thread about having a second child with the older DH?

[Anonymous]

Sure, not everyone regrets it. But here's the thing, OP and defensive divorced people, that you need to understand. Divorced and remarried parents are not reliable narrators. And in these kinds of families, people actively deceive themselves and each other about their true feelings. People don't like to admit, even to themselves, that their choices haven't worked out or that their children and their partner don't get along. And if I were a step-parent (which I hope never to do) I'd probably pretend to be happier than I actually was because the alternative would be a lot of drama. I'm an ACOD and I pretend to be fine with my parents' new partners because that's easiest for me. But I actually think they both are a pain and bring lots of problems into the family, and I don't think they feel any better about me. We're all pretending for the sake of the person we love, who wants to have all of us in their lives.

So, OP and others, listen to us ACOD. We've had a front-row seat in all of this. Yes it sometimes works out okay if everyone tries really hard and the family has some money and some good luck. But these kinds of families are a higher level of difficulty and they are fragile. When they're hard, they're really hard-- and hardship can pop up at anytime even when the stepchildren are adults. Listen to us ACOD who tell you that even in the best-case scenario, when everyone genuinely tries and is kind, is still pretty unappealing after you've seen it up close.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn’t, life is complicated enough.

[Anonymous]

I don’t date men with children. I’m selfish and I don’t want to share his time or money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t, life is complicated enough.

This. I just don't want the hassle. I don't want to plan my schedule and my finances around my ex and his ex's co-parenting arrangements and four children's different schools and activities. I don't want to have to think about all of this. I don't actually want to live in a house with more children than I already do. I've broken up with perfectly nice men with perfectly nice children and exes and eventually just stopped dating people with children altogether. It isn't worth it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sure, not everyone regrets it. But here's the thing, OP and defensive divorced people, that you need to understand. Divorced and remarried parents are not reliable narrators. And in these kinds of families, people actively deceive themselves and each other about their true feelings. People don't like to admit, even to themselves, that their choices haven't worked out or that their children and their partner don't get along. And if I were a step-parent (which I hope never to do) I'd probably pretend to be happier than I actually was because the alternative would be a lot of drama. I'm an ACOD and I pretend to be fine with my parents' new partners because that's easiest for me. But I actually think they both are a pain and bring lots of problems into the family, and I don't think they feel any better about me. We're all pretending for the sake of the person we love, who wants to have all of us in their lives.

So, OP and others, listen to us ACOD. We've had a front-row seat in all of this. Yes it sometimes works out okay if everyone tries really hard and the family has some money and some good luck. But these kinds of families are a higher level of difficulty and they are fragile. When they're hard, they're really hard-- and hardship can pop up at anytime even when the stepchildren are adults. Listen to us ACOD who tell you that even in the best-case scenario, when everyone genuinely tries and is kind, is still pretty unappealing after you've seen it up close.

This x1,000. Same for every ACOD I know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t, life is complicated enough.

This. I just don't want the hassle. I don't want to plan my schedule and my finances around my ex and his ex's co-parenting arrangements and four children's different schools and activities. I don't want to have to think about all of this. I don't actually want to live in a house with more children than I already do. I've broken up with perfectly nice men with perfectly nice children and exes and eventually just stopped dating people with children altogether. It isn't worth it.

+1. I also have children and do not date men with children. I don't have to, so I prefer childless men. I am not interested in further complicating my life.

[Anonymous]

I think it depends. People have the same feelings about their own biological children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's only a good idea if you're very realistic, and even then it's a giant pain. If you truly enjoy teenagers and don't want your own kids, it's easier. But you have to understand, teenagers are a giant pain. They're moody. They're resentful and rude. They damage the car and they make stupid mistakes that cost tons of money. Big kids, big problems. And that's the case even with the best parents and happiest intact families. It's way worse if they've been through the trauma of a bad marriage, a divorce, and joint custody. It's way worse if they're watching another kid get their dad full-time while they get half.

Understand that teenagers' activities are time-consuming and expensive. Really understand what travel sports involve. What little savings I have after paying the orthodontist, youth orchestra has efficiently removed from my bank account. Don't expect they'll care much about you, your preferences, your family, and your children. Don't think you're just so delightful and you make their father sooooo happy that they'll agree to give up their activities so you can afford expensive classes for your toddler. Understand that you are choosing for your children to have older siblings. You are choosing for your future baby to be child #3 or 4 or whatever of its father, it's not the same amount of attention that a first child would receive. It can be a lonely life, being home with the little kids while the dad deals with the bigs.

You have zero control over what happens with the kids' other parent and other household, but you'll be expected to be cordial and cooperative and plan your schedules to be compatible. If something bad happens in the other house or the parenting is bad, you'll feel the impact. If the other parent is unable to care for the kids, they'll be yours full-time. If they get on bad terms with their other parent, they'll be yours full-time, or you'll destroy the relationship if you turn them away. Teenagers don't respect custody agreements.

And if you're considering marrying someone significantly older than yourself, that's a whole nother ball of wax. A lot of men genuinely want to marry and love all of their kids, but there just isn't enough energy, time, or money to go around, and the women end up frustrated and overworked.
I would suggest you check out this thread for a reality check:

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/998487.page

For one thing, your toddler doesn't need expensive classes, especially if you struggle to afford them.

This entire post is absurd. Most kids are not in travel sports. Its not the teens who don't respect the custody arrangements, its generally one of the parents.

[Anonymous]

I think it depends on if you want kids or not. If you want kids of your own, it certainly makes things more complicated but could be great for the child if they always wanted siblings. If you never wanted kids, I wouldn't--you will come to resent the children if parenting is not something that interests you.

On the flip side, my brother was divorced with two kids 7 and 12 (very mutual divorce), married someone who never had kids and didn't want any of her own but was thrilled to have stepkids who were young enough to still form a relationship but not in the baby/toddler stage. She's a good stepmom, the kids love her and gets along well with my ex-SIL. They even hang out/talk without the kids. In the right situation, it can be great for everyone but you really need to consider all of the dynamics and have an open and honest conversation to plan for anything that could come down the pike, specifically in cases of guardianship and finances.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's only a good idea if you're very realistic, and even then it's a giant pain. If you truly enjoy teenagers and don't want your own kids, it's easier. But you have to understand, teenagers are a giant pain. They're moody. They're resentful and rude. They damage the car and they make stupid mistakes that cost tons of money. Big kids, big problems. And that's the case even with the best parents and happiest intact families. It's way worse if they've been through the trauma of a bad marriage, a divorce, and joint custody. It's way worse if they're watching another kid get their dad full-time while they get half.

Understand that teenagers' activities are time-consuming and expensive. Really understand what travel sports involve. What little savings I have after paying the orthodontist, youth orchestra has efficiently removed from my bank account. Don't expect they'll care much about you, your preferences, your family, and your children. Don't think you're just so delightful and you make their father sooooo happy that they'll agree to give up their activities so you can afford expensive classes for your toddler. Understand that you are choosing for your children to have older siblings. You are choosing for your future baby to be child #3 or 4 or whatever of its father, it's not the same amount of attention that a first child would receive. It can be a lonely life, being home with the little kids while the dad deals with the bigs.

You have zero control over what happens with the kids' other parent and other household, but you'll be expected to be cordial and cooperative and plan your schedules to be compatible. If something bad happens in the other house or the parenting is bad, you'll feel the impact. If the other parent is unable to care for the kids, they'll be yours full-time. If they get on bad terms with their other parent, they'll be yours full-time, or you'll destroy the relationship if you turn them away. Teenagers don't respect custody agreements.

And if you're considering marrying someone significantly older than yourself, that's a whole nother ball of wax. A lot of men genuinely want to marry and love all of their kids, but there just isn't enough energy, time, or money to go around, and the women end up frustrated and overworked.
I would suggest you check out this thread for a reality check:

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/998487.page

For one thing, your toddler doesn't need expensive classes, especially if you struggle to afford them.

This entire post is absurd. Most kids are not in travel sports. Its not the teens who don't respect the custody arrangements, its generally one of the parents.

1) Most older children have an activity that takes up their parents' time and money. It could be a sport or it could be marching band or any number of things. The point is, it adds up. College visits. Orthodontics. Be sure you know what you're signing up for financially here. You can say "step-parents shouldn't have to pay" but it's still coming out of your household's pocket, and if the other parent loses their job it'll be all on your side.

2) Just try forcing an angry and resentful teenager onto a custody schedule they dislike and you'll see what I mean. They'll refuse and what are you going to do about it, take them to court until they agree to be in a happy family with you? Lock them out of your house when they're supposed to be with their other parent? Come on. There aren't good options for this situation. And if the problem is the other parent, you're still step-parenting a teen whose other parent is difficult, and that's not easy either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it depends. People have the same feelings about their own biological children.

Precisely. However, with your own kids, you love them more. Sorry, it's true. You put up with more BS with your biological children, and love them even in the hard times. It's exceedingly difficult to do that with a step-child **if you have not raised them since they were too young to remember**.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sure, not everyone regrets it. But here's the thing, OP and defensive divorced people, that you need to understand. Divorced and remarried parents are not reliable narrators. And in these kinds of families, people actively deceive themselves and each other about their true feelings. People don't like to admit, even to themselves, that their choices haven't worked out or that their children and their partner don't get along. And if I were a step-parent (which I hope never to do) I'd probably pretend to be happier than I actually was because the alternative would be a lot of drama. I'm an ACOD and I pretend to be fine with my parents' new partners because that's easiest for me. But I actually think they both are a pain and bring lots of problems into the family, and I don't think they feel any better about me. We're all pretending for the sake of the person we love, who wants to have all of us in their lives.

So, OP and others, listen to us ACOD. We've had a front-row seat in all of this. Yes it sometimes works out okay if everyone tries really hard and the family has some money and some good luck. But these kinds of families are a higher level of difficulty and they are fragile. When they're hard, they're really hard-- and hardship can pop up at anytime even when the stepchildren are adults. Listen to us ACOD who tell you that even in the best-case scenario, when everyone genuinely tries and is kind, is still pretty unappealing after you've seen it up close.

This x1,000. Same for every ACOD I know.

Amazingly accurate and well-put

— New poster and ACOD

[Anonymous]

Marrying someone with kids means signing up for lot of drama between them and their ex.

[Anonymous]

Happily married with my own. But if I were single I would never. I am aware of my limitations.