Marrying someone with kids

[Anonymous]

My husband has 2 kids from a previous marriage. He is an amazing husband and father. We have 2 kids together. His ex wife is problematic though. Now she thinks I am the one convincing DH that their kids want to stay with us more than with her. Fun fun

[Anonymous]

Yes, I regret it. Not necessarily the kids but the ex wife. Pain in my ass.

If it’s not great before you marry, it will get worse. It never gets better.

I have already warned our daughter not to marry someone with baggage.

[Anonymous]

And I thought the worst was my favorite, “ I date ONLY people with more money than me”.

Now kids are an automatic deal breaker.

Most selfish forum on the internet

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it depends. People have the same feelings about their own biological children.

It’s not the children, it’s the nut job ex-wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I met my DH in my mid-twenties; he was in his early thirties with a seven year old daughter. It was quickly apparent to me that his ex was a trainwreck. What was supposed to be joint custody was really DH being the primary parent by far. Still, I was good with it and totally charmed by the little girl taking my hand our second time meeting and telling me she wanted me to be her mommy. I married my handsome, funny, smart DH and all was great, except for occasional conflict with the bio mom. We had a DS and then four years later DS2, a bit of a surprise.

DH was killed in a car accident before he turned forty. Just one of those things you'd never expect. There was a split second where it seemed DD1 would return to the woman who birthed her, but she hadn't gotten her life in any better shape: problems with alcohol, keeping a job, questionable relationships. I ended up with full custody against the advice of some of my family. But the younger kids and I couldn't spare her. There were some rough patches with DD1's grief and adjustment, but she is a good and smart person, and truly a wonderful daughter and big sister. I couldn't be prouder of how she's conducted her life.

Yet in my widowhood, I've been very reticent to consider marriage. I do have a gentleman friend (I love that term) who feels similarly after surviving a divorce. I don't want to blend families. I like the one I have. It's possible I may feel differently when I have a fully empty next one day in the future, but for now all I want is some measure of peace and contentment.

So sorry for your loss PP. Seems like you are handling all these complexities with grace.

That would be my concern marrying someone with a young kid. I wouldn’t want to be their parent if my spouse dies.

Oh my. I married a man with kids. I was so worried that if he died, I wouldn’t get to continue to be a part of the kids’ lives. That’s a big difference. Luckily they’re all old enough now that our relationship doesn’t depend on their biological parents. I love them, think they are delightful, and would never seek to displace their mom. But I am an adult who loves them and their dad with everything I have. I also understand that in some circumstances that’s not enough, but it’s not nothing, and they know that I have put everything on the line for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it depends. People have the same feelings about their own biological children.

It’s not the children, it’s the nut job ex-wife.

Why is the ex always a nutjob? ....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Old thread! One thing I can add to people thinking that things get better when kids leave the nest - they don't. There are still the same limited resources and conflicting priorities. They take the form of college expenses, young adult expenses, grandkid expenses, etc. Often, there is not enough money to go around. So, don't enter into such a marriage thinking everything will get better as the kids get older.

This! The post-college years can be a bit of a lull, which makes people think their troubles are over. But then it's grad school, graduations, weddings, buying a house, and grandkids. All of those things can bring up struggles over time and attention, and sometimes money too. And that's the best case scenario! If anything actually bad happens in anyone's life, it'll be way worse.

Kid, wrap yourself in bubble wrap and stay alone in your room if you're this challenge-averse. There are NO guarantees. NOTHING is safe.

Quit acting like you'll never struggle or have conflict and that, if you do, it's because you made the wrong choice somehow. This is insane.

This proves the point. Life is full of enough struggle and conflict. Don't add to it by marrying someone with kids because, for many people, those kids remain a liability for the day they are born until the day you die. Given that time (for all) and resources (for most) are finite, any new relationship with someone who has kids will have built-in conflict over how you as a couple prioritize time and where you will spend your money. Stay single if you already have kids. Don't mix finances. Be upfront about how much time you have to devote to new relationships so the person you're seeing can make an informed decision about continuing to date you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And I thought the worst was my favorite, “ I date ONLY people with more money than me”.

Now kids are an automatic deal breaker.

Most selfish forum on the internet

You should be selfish when you are picking a partner. You can give after you are sure they are the one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's only a good idea if you're very realistic, and even then it's a giant pain. If you truly enjoy teenagers and don't want your own kids, it's easier. But you have to understand, teenagers are a giant pain. They're moody. They're resentful and rude. They damage the car and they make stupid mistakes that cost tons of money. Big kids, big problems. And that's the case even with the best parents and happiest intact families. It's way worse if they've been through the trauma of a bad marriage, a divorce, and joint custody. It's way worse if they're watching another kid get their dad full-time while they get half.

Understand that teenagers' activities are time-consuming and expensive. Really understand what travel sports involve. What little savings I have after paying the orthodontist, youth orchestra has efficiently removed from my bank account. Don't expect they'll care much about you, your preferences, your family, and your children. Don't think you're just so delightful and you make their father sooooo happy that they'll agree to give up their activities so you can afford expensive classes for your toddler. Understand that you are choosing for your children to have older siblings. You are choosing for your future baby to be child #3 or 4 or whatever of its father, it's not the same amount of attention that a first child would receive. It can be a lonely life, being home with the little kids while the dad deals with the bigs.

You have zero control over what happens with the kids' other parent and other household, but you'll be expected to be cordial and cooperative and plan your schedules to be compatible. If something bad happens in the other house or the parenting is bad, you'll feel the impact. If the other parent is unable to care for the kids, they'll be yours full-time. If they get on bad terms with their other parent, they'll be yours full-time, or you'll destroy the relationship if you turn them away. Teenagers don't respect custody agreements.

And if you're considering marrying someone significantly older than yourself, that's a whole nother ball of wax. A lot of men genuinely want to marry and love all of their kids, but there just isn't enough energy, time, or money to go around, and the women end up frustrated and overworked.
I would suggest you check out this thread for a reality check:

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/998487.page

This is very good advice. I consider myself s sort of step mom - I live with my partner and his kids, but we have not remarried because legally and financially that would be disadvantageous to all of us. (Financial aid, how the taxes would work out, etc). I also just don't want to deal with sharing finances. Anyway, I met him in my mid forties and consider myself too old to have my own bio kids. No. Way. would I recommend any single childless woman under, say 45, move in with or marry someone with kids. Keep looking for someone without kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Old thread! One thing I can add to people thinking that things get better when kids leave the nest - they don't. There are still the same limited resources and conflicting priorities. They take the form of college expenses, young adult expenses, grandkid expenses, etc. Often, there is not enough money to go around. So, don't enter into such a marriage thinking everything will get better as the kids get older.

This! The post-college years can be a bit of a lull, which makes people think their troubles are over. But then it's grad school, graduations, weddings, buying a house, and grandkids. All of those things can bring up struggles over time and attention, and sometimes money too. And that's the best case scenario! If anything actually bad happens in anyone's life, it'll be way worse.

Kid, wrap yourself in bubble wrap and stay alone in your room if you're this challenge-averse. There are NO guarantees. NOTHING is safe.

Quit acting like you'll never struggle or have conflict and that, if you do, it's because you made the wrong choice somehow. This is insane.

This proves the point. Life is full of enough struggle and conflict. Don't add to it by marrying someone with kids because, for many people, those kids remain a liability for the day they are born until the day you die. Given that time (for all) and resources (for most) are finite, any new relationship with someone who has kids will have built-in conflict over how you as a couple prioritize time and where you will spend your money. Stay single if you already have kids. Don't mix finances. Be upfront about how much time you have to devote to new relationships so the person you're seeing can make an informed decision about continuing to date you.

+1. Life is hard enough so why volunteer for the difficult version? Most importantly, eyes wide open and don't be thinking the complexity and conflict stops when the kids grow up.

[Anonymous]

NP here. I just want to point out that almost ALL of the people chiming in are the bio parent who are married to a step parent. OP asked for perspectives from STEP PARENTS. Of course the bio parents want to chime in and talk about how rosy everything is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m the second younger wife and DH’s sons are actually older than me although no one knows exactly what the age difference is 😀 I think I feel fine about it because DH has very good boundaries and doesn’t gift any money to anyone, not even me. I don’t have to work because DH is wealthy enough but we both decided that it would be better for me to have a professional identity. I work a hybrid telecommuting schedule and DH is retired and we spend a lot of time together. I will agree with the poster that says no one really cares for the second spouse…and for that reason, I am not emotionally invested in any of his children or grandchildren. I suppose they will be sucking up to me when I eventually become a widow and take over DH’s trust but I don’t think they’re thinking that far right now.

The kids probably think you all will divorce and then you will be out of the picture.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m the second younger wife and DH’s sons are actually older than me although no one knows exactly what the age difference is 😀 I think I feel fine about it because DH has very good boundaries and doesn’t gift any money to anyone, not even me. I don’t have to work because DH is wealthy enough but we both decided that it would be better for me to have a professional identity. I work a hybrid telecommuting schedule and DH is retired and we spend a lot of time together. I will agree with the poster that says no one really cares for the second spouse…and for that reason, I am not emotionally invested in any of his children or grandchildren. I suppose they will be sucking up to me when I eventually become a widow and take over DH’s trust but I don’t think they’re thinking that far right now.

The kids probably think you all will divorce and then you will be out of the picture.

Or they think you will spend it all anyway so it doesn't matter.

My dad's wife totally thinks she's cleverly denying me inheritance, but she has no idea that I'm much richer than my father and she are anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know someone who likes it. She is a high school teacher and loves kids, great with teenagers. She always wanted a big family. They're Catholic and she married a widower so there's no ex-wife, that probably helps. She's the kind of person where life revolves around family anyway, so it's totally fine how much time is spent on stuff for their kids/adult kids. The sight of her 9-year-old holding his baby nephew made her so happy. I don't know how the adult kids feel about it. But the people who are happy in this situation are people who LOVE kids and want a big family and are okay with life and time and energy and budget revolving around family.

This sounds like my partner who is living with me, a divorcee with 4 kids. He was raised Catholic in a huge family and was lonely for many years. He’s a little bit Peter Pan, divorced now grown up and wanted a family but that boat passed for him. He has thrown himself into my kids’ activities and doesn’t mind picking up after them or driving them. After spending many years as a bachelor and getting all travel and everything out of his system, the family man life is exciting to him and what all his siblings were doing, so now he feels “successful”.

[Anonymous]

I know 3 friends who married men with kids. Totally different situations.

1 missed the boat and never had her own kids. Married a man with 3 teen/college age kids. Ex wife was nuts and the kids embraced her and love her. She’s very happy.

1 married a wealthy divorcee with 1 elementary child and they had another kid. Very happy.

1 married a divorcee with teens, ex wife was a nightmare, the kids were nightmares, spouse himself was divorced for a reason, friend went on to have more young kids and is miserable and wants to divorce but can’t afford to.