Should I have a second kid at 38 (DH 52), or are we just too old?

[Anonymous]

I’m 38. DH is 52. We have 2-year-old, plus DH has adult kids that have almost no relationship with our 2-year-old, so the 2-year-old is effectively an only child in our household. We can afford to have another kid and we already have a full-time nanny, and if we do try for no. 2 we can afford to hire a night nanny as well. We both work and have good incomes and savings. My primary motivation for trying to have another child would be to give our 2-year-old a sibling. My primary reasons for not trying to have another one is (i) our ages and (ii) marital stresses that arise from time to time over his adult kids (every time I think I want to try for another kid, something related to step life triggers me and I feel unhappy and pullback). I say “I” because DH has told me he wants another kid if I do. DH is healthy and active. He's also a great, doting dad whenever he's around, but he travels for work and to see his adult kids, so there are times when I feel lonely, but maybe that is something I should deal with in therapy and just try for no. 2 before it's too late?

[Anonymous]

Having another child just to give your existing child a sibling is not a good reason. Lots of siblings can't stand each other and their parents did them no favors. Skip it.

[Anonymous]

Your DH has adult kids and no relationship with them. Having one child with him was a mistake. I wouldn’t add another.

[Anonymous]

You’re not too old so don’t let that be the reason you don’t.

[Anonymous]

Your age is fine. If you want a second child, have one. Don’t let his grown kids have any part of your decision.

[Anonymous]

OP. He has a relationship with his adult kids, but they are adults and live on their own in other parts of the country. He does visit them, which is hard on me at times because I get left behind with our toddler, but those are my feelings to deal with and I do.

[Anonymous]

You are not old (I had my second at 38). Your DH, oth, is too old. Your DH would be 70 when your kid turns 18.

And I say this as someone whose DH was 44 when the second was born, and that was on the cusp.

[Anonymous]

Neither you nor your DH are too old. I'd worry more about your other concerns, such as about your DH's availability for all his kids. But from what you say it sounds like you're aware of and prepared to manage those (and already are) so if you want a second child, I say go for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Neither you nor your DH are too old. I'd worry more about your other concerns, such as about your DH's availability for all his kids. But from what you say it sounds like you're aware of and prepared to manage those (and already are) so if you want a second child, I say go for it. [/quote

52 IS old age to have a child. Sperm quality decreases with age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Neither you nor your DH are too old. I'd worry more about your other concerns, such as about your DH's availability for all his kids. But from what you say it sounds like you're aware of and prepared to manage those (and already are) so if you want a second child, I say go for it.

52 IS old age to have a child. Sperm quality decreases with age.

IMO it's not that just.. it's the fact that your DH would be too old to really be engaged with a young child. My kids are teens, and DH is in his late 50s. He's fit, but he is still starting to feel it, and in a couple of years, he won't be able to keep up with our teens. My DH realizes that this was the price for having kids when he was in his 40s.

When OP's #2 is 15 her DH will almost 70. He's more like the kid's grandfather than father, and will engage with the kid like a grandpa.

[Anonymous]

You're not too old. It sounds like there might be some other reasons not to have another (DH is pretty old, travels and leaves you alone a lot), but I don't think your age should be the reason.

Can you share more about the marital stresses that come up around the adult kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You’re not too old so don’t let that be the reason you don’t.

+1 we had ours at 34 and 38. We are not the oldest parents in their classes.

[Anonymous]

I think the marital stresses are a legit reason not to, but it's possible the stresses will lessen as the kids get older. Little kids are stressful.

[Anonymous]

You're not too old, but he kind of is. And if you feel too old, you are too old. But it seems like you need to do some work on yourself. Why does it bother you that he travels to see his adult kids? That's what a good father should do. Did you not know about this before you had this child? And if you can afford a night nurse, surely you can afford a lot of childcare when your DH travels.

It sounds like you haven't really wrapped your head around that you joined a stepfamily and that your children are #3 and #4 of your DH. Children in larger families just don't get the same level of parental attention that they would in a small family. If you had borne 4 children with your DH, you'd likely be spending weekends alone with the younger two while your DH took the big ones to travel soccer tournaments or whatever.

[Anonymous]

I don't really get why "step life" would make you not want another child. Are the adult children doing something bad? If they live far away and you don't really see them, is it just that your DH travels sometimes? Because lots of people's DHs travel sometimes for various reasons. It doesn't seem like a reason to not have the kid, if you really want one.