Marrying someone with kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am remarried to a man who had no kids before we met - mine were early elementary. It works because: we both were realistic about the logistical and emotional challenges it would entail, and because he grew up in a very family-oriented environment and always wanted kids. He’s their stepdad but he’s probably a better “parent” than either their dad or I am. I recognize that this is very, very unusual, and that we’re all extremely lucky.

+1. This is my same situation. DCUM says we don’t exist, because no man would ever marry a single mom. We are very happy and DH is an excellent step dad.

This is the opposite of toxic masculinity. Big hearted GOOD men. I’m in the exact situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it depends. People have the same feelings about their own biological children.

It’s not the children, it’s the nut job ex-wife.

In my case the worst part of divorce is the nut job new girlfriend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I met my DH in my mid-twenties; he was in his early thirties with a seven year old daughter. It was quickly apparent to me that his ex was a trainwreck. What was supposed to be joint custody was really DH being the primary parent by far. Still, I was good with it and totally charmed by the little girl taking my hand our second time meeting and telling me she wanted me to be her mommy. I married my handsome, funny, smart DH and all was great, except for occasional conflict with the bio mom. We had a DS and then four years later DS2, a bit of a surprise.

DH was killed in a car accident before he turned forty. Just one of those things you'd never expect. There was a split second where it seemed DD1 would return to the woman who birthed her, but she hadn't gotten her life in any better shape: problems with alcohol, keeping a job, questionable relationships. I ended up with full custody against the advice of some of my family. But the younger kids and I couldn't spare her. There were some rough patches with DD1's grief and adjustment, but she is a good and smart person, and truly a wonderful daughter and big sister. I couldn't be prouder of how she's conducted her life.

Yet in my widowhood, I've been very reticent to consider marriage. I do have a gentleman friend (I love that term) who feels similarly after surviving a divorce. I don't want to blend families. I like the one I have. It's possible I may feel differently when I have a fully empty next one day in the future, but for now all I want is some measure of peace and contentment.

So sorry for your loss PP. Seems like you are handling all these complexities with grace.

That would be my concern marrying someone with a young kid. I wouldn’t want to be their parent if my spouse dies.

Oh my. I married a man with kids. I was so worried that if he died, I wouldn’t get to continue to be a part of the kids’ lives. That’s a big difference. Luckily they’re all old enough now that our relationship doesn’t depend on their biological parents. I love them, think they are delightful, and would never seek to displace their mom. But I am an adult who loves them and their dad with everything I have. I also understand that in some circumstances that’s not enough, but it’s not nothing, and they know that I have put everything on the line for them.

This is awful. I guess it’s honest. But I wouldn’t want to date or marry someone who felt that way about me and my kids. I’m pretty sure my boyfriend not only would be devastated if I died, but that he’d crumble if he lost his relationship with my kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m the second younger wife and DH’s sons are actually older than me although no one knows exactly what the age difference is 😀 I think I feel fine about it because DH has very good boundaries and doesn’t gift any money to anyone, not even me. I don’t have to work because DH is wealthy enough but we both decided that it would be better for me to have a professional identity. I work a hybrid telecommuting schedule and DH is retired and we spend a lot of time together. I will agree with the poster that says no one really cares for the second spouse…and for that reason, I am not emotionally invested in any of his children or grandchildren. I suppose they will be sucking up to me when I eventually become a widow and take over DH’s trust but I don’t think they’re thinking that far right now.

The kids probably think you all will divorce and then you will be out of the picture.

The second wife might gain more from a divorce than from a Trust or Will. After a divorce, you get half of all marital assets with no strings attached. After a death, you may be entitled to an elective share in a trust that can't be spent down. I think the law incentivizes leaving when the going gets tough and the stepkids become too challenging to deal with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom married my dad, who had two prior children. They hate her. Hate for no reason whatsoever - my dad was a widower when he met my mom, so it's not like she broke his first marriage. She's 80 years old now, they are in their 50s and still hate her, although she tried her hardest. One of them came over the other day and told me that my dad married down and she was never as beautiful as their mom; never mind that my parents have been married for 45 years now. Don't do it unless the kids are out of college.

They sound strange and bitter. The kids.

It's not strange and bitter. Kids have emotions about the death of their mother, replacement with a step mother. While that is not SM's fault, those emotions fall somewhere, often on the shoulders of the step parent. Have you ever been mad about a situation that's no one's fault? That anger has to go somewhere, and it's easier to find blame or fault with the person who has replaced your parent (even in cases of divorce). With affairs its even easier to assign blame for anger, regret, sadness to the step parent. Even if they are a really loving step parent.

It's not strange, its a way to cope with very real feelings.

This is true; I'm the OP and their mom died accidentally, so it was a shock and they took it on my mom. I think they were around 5 and 3 when she died. The 3 year old kind of got over it after a while but the older one, who was 5 years old and remembers his mom, is still not well emotionally, after 50 years. However, my poor mom did NOT deserve this. When they visit, she makes sure she cooks their favorite foods, has the wife's favorite wine ready, and she's always so nice. Yet they talk trash behind her back all the time.

Grieving children don't care what adults think they "deserve". Your mom chose to marry into and have another kid in a family dealing with serious grief. Cooking favorite foods isn't going to be enough for that. Adequate parenting would involve therapy and not making your poor children share their father's time and watch another kid have their mom alive right in their own home. That sounds like agony for them. And it sounds like your parents didn't do the right thing to care for grieving children. So stop telling everyone how perfect your mom is.

Just an absolutely crazy take. They're in their 50s and (presumably) fully functional adults; they should've paid for their own therapy by this point if they're still that aggrieved by their stepmom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's only a good idea if you're very realistic, and even then it's a giant pain. If you truly enjoy teenagers and don't want your own kids, it's easier. But you have to understand, teenagers are a giant pain. They're moody. They're resentful and rude. They damage the car and they make stupid mistakes that cost tons of money. Big kids, big problems. And that's the case even with the best parents and happiest intact families. It's way worse if they've been through the trauma of a bad marriage, a divorce, and joint custody. It's way worse if they're watching another kid get their dad full-time while they get half.

Understand that teenagers' activities are time-consuming and expensive. Really understand what travel sports involve. What little savings I have after paying the orthodontist, youth orchestra has efficiently removed from my bank account. Don't expect they'll care much about you, your preferences, your family, and your children. Don't think you're just so delightful and you make their father sooooo happy that they'll agree to give up their activities so you can afford expensive classes for your toddler. Understand that you are choosing for your children to have older siblings. You are choosing for your future baby to be child #3 or 4 or whatever of its father, it's not the same amount of attention that a first child would receive. It can be a lonely life, being home with the little kids while the dad deals with the bigs.

You have zero control over what happens with the kids' other parent and other household, but you'll be expected to be cordial and cooperative and plan your schedules to be compatible. If something bad happens in the other house or the parenting is bad, you'll feel the impact. If the other parent is unable to care for the kids, they'll be yours full-time. If they get on bad terms with their other parent, they'll be yours full-time, or you'll destroy the relationship if you turn them away. Teenagers don't respect custody agreements.

And if you're considering marrying someone significantly older than yourself, that's a whole nother ball of wax. A lot of men genuinely want to marry and love all of their kids, but there just isn't enough energy, time, or money to go around, and the women end up frustrated and overworked.
I would suggest you check out this thread for a reality check:

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/998487.page

This is very good advice. I consider myself s sort of step mom - I live with my partner and his kids, but we have not remarried because legally and financially that would be disadvantageous to all of us. (Financial aid, how the taxes would work out, etc). I also just don't want to deal with sharing finances. Anyway, I met him in my mid forties and consider myself too old to have my own bio kids. No. Way. would I recommend any single childless woman under, say 45, move in with or marry someone with kids. Keep looking for someone without kids.

I read the entire linked thread that is the "reality check." For those of you just tuning in, here is the takeaway from the OP of that thread (a then-38-year-old second wife married to a 52-year old man who had adult children from a prior marriage; she and her 52 year old DH had a 2-year-old at the time of her posting, and she was wondering if she should have a second child with him):

"Op here. The problems are all of the above. It's DH, his adult children, our ages, and the fact that I was 100% unrealistic about stepfamilies when I married in. Why would any realistic, attractive, professionally successful woman in her thirties who had other options marry a man who is 14 years older and already has an entire family including children and a difficult ex wife? That is a choice someone who is unrealistically in love makes. You're right, we're probably heading toward divorce, and I'm probably thinking about a second child because I know it shouldn't happen for us and that makes me sad."

[Anonymous]

We exist. I had 2 kids ages 5 and 7, spouse had kids ages 6 and 8. One of our exes left for a same-sex relationship. The other ex had a full blown mental breakdown after thejr long term affair in the workplace came out and caused them both to lose their jobs and a ton of ridiculous drama.

Current spouse and I separately spent years healing in therapy before we met. Kids have all had extensive therapy. We moved as slow as we needed to. It's been a massive net positive in all of our lives. I feel so incredibly thankful everyday that my biological kids have someone like my spouse in their lives. It makes me teary even thinking about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We exist. I had 2 kids ages 5 and 7, spouse had kids ages 6 and 8. One of our exes left for a same-sex relationship. The other ex had a full blown mental breakdown after thejr long term affair in the workplace came out and caused them both to lose their jobs and a ton of ridiculous drama.

Current spouse and I separately spent years healing in therapy before we met. Kids have all had extensive therapy. We moved as slow as we needed to. It's been a massive net positive in all of our lives. I feel so incredibly thankful everyday that my biological kids have someone like my spouse in their lives. It makes me teary even thinking about.

This is a great story! The critical difference between you and your spouse and most other people is that you took time to do work on yourselves before throwing your children into the mix. So many people just want a quick fix and seem to think the kids will just adjust to a new normal. It rarely works like that. Never discount the work you did to get you where you are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Anyone regret marrying someone with kids? What’s your story?

Depends.
If the man/woman was the one that filed for divorce and left with the kids, then they are suspect and might not be trust worthy of ever having a good relationship, because either their picker is off and have a poor judge of character, or they are flippant about their commitments and will leave over nothing.

If the man/woman was left in the lurch by the spouse, then they might get more consideration and be considered more trustworthy, especially if they got custody of the kids and didn't cause the divorce.

[Anonymous]

:The second wife might gain more from a divorce than from a Trust or Will. After a divorce, you get half of all marital assets with no strings attached. After a death, you may be entitled to an elective share in a trust that can't be spent down. I think the law incentivizes leaving when the going gets tough and the stepkids become too challenging to deal with."

I know someone whose 2nd exW divorced him and made off with half of everything he had because he married her thinking they'd be together till the end and behaved accordingly. He moved her into the house he bought after his first divorce, so that became a marital asset. He paid off her debts and didn't question her not sharing her inheritance she got 10 years after she'd quit her job and lived off him the entire time. Money that would have been left for his kids from the first marriage went out the door with her, including what was left of the pension he earned before she came into the picture. She never had kids with or raised them. She's now "worth" more than him even though she entered the marriage with debt and hasn't worked for almost 20 years, plus she get hefty alimony.

[Anonymous]

The worst are the new wives/girlfriends who ban their new partner from seeing his kids from first marriage. Happens more than you think.
So, don’t do that to him or to his kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The worst are the new wives/girlfriends who ban their new partner from seeing his kids from first marriage. Happens more than you think.
So, don’t do that to him or to his kids.

I have never of that. I am divorced and if were to find a new partner and she dares tell me to stop seeing my kids from the first marriage then she can go back on the dating scene. I am sure she is so high value that she has to settle for an older man like me with kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The worst are the new wives/girlfriends who ban their new partner from seeing his kids from first marriage. Happens more than you think.
So, don’t do that to him or to his kids.

I have never of that. I am divorced and if were to find a new partner and she dares tell me to stop seeing my kids from the first marriage then she can go back on the dating scene. I am sure she is so high value that she has to settle for an older man like me with kids.

Right? If someone doesn’t see their kids, it’s their own damn fault. So much misplaced blame going around.

[Anonymous]

Absolutely not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would never

X2. No saved games.