Marrying someone with kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's only a good idea if you're very realistic, and even then it's a giant pain. If you truly enjoy teenagers and don't want your own kids, it's easier. But you have to understand, teenagers are a giant pain. They're moody. They're resentful and rude. They damage the car and they make stupid mistakes that cost tons of money. Big kids, big problems. And that's the case even with the best parents and happiest intact families. It's way worse if they've been through the trauma of a bad marriage, a divorce, and joint custody. It's way worse if they're watching another kid get their dad full-time while they get half.

Understand that teenagers' activities are time-consuming and expensive. Really understand what travel sports involve. What little savings I have after paying the orthodontist, youth orchestra has efficiently removed from my bank account. Don't expect they'll care much about you, your preferences, your family, and your children. Don't think you're just so delightful and you make their father sooooo happy that they'll agree to give up their activities so you can afford expensive classes for your toddler. Understand that you are choosing for your children to have older siblings. You are choosing for your future baby to be child #3 or 4 or whatever of its father, it's not the same amount of attention that a first child would receive. It can be a lonely life, being home with the little kids while the dad deals with the bigs.

You have zero control over what happens with the kids' other parent and other household, but you'll be expected to be cordial and cooperative and plan your schedules to be compatible. If something bad happens in the other house or the parenting is bad, you'll feel the impact. If the other parent is unable to care for the kids, they'll be yours full-time. If they get on bad terms with their other parent, they'll be yours full-time, or you'll destroy the relationship if you turn them away. Teenagers don't respect custody agreements.

And if you're considering marrying someone significantly older than yourself, that's a whole nother ball of wax. A lot of men genuinely want to marry and love all of their kids, but there just isn't enough energy, time, or money to go around, and the women end up frustrated and overworked.
I would suggest you check out this thread for a reality check:

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/998487.page

For one thing, your toddler doesn't need expensive classes, especially if you struggle to afford them.

This entire post is absurd. Most kids are not in travel sports. Its not the teens who don't respect the custody arrangements, its generally one of the parents.

1) Most older children have an activity that takes up their parents' time and money. It could be a sport or it could be marching band or any number of things. The point is, it adds up. College visits. Orthodontics. Be sure you know what you're signing up for financially here. You can say "step-parents shouldn't have to pay" but it's still coming out of your household's pocket, and if the other parent loses their job it'll be all on your side.

2) Just try forcing an angry and resentful teenager onto a custody schedule they dislike and you'll see what I mean. They'll refuse and what are you going to do about it, take them to court until they agree to be in a happy family with you? Lock them out of your house when they're supposed to be with their other parent? Come on. There aren't good options for this situation. And if the problem is the other parent, you're still step-parenting a teen whose other parent is difficult, and that's not easy either.

Have you ever lived through this as a parent or step-parent? My experience isn’t this at all. My older child plays an expensive travel sport. It costs around $10K per year in direct fees, not including travel costs for 8 travel tournaments out-of-state per year or equipment. DH is the step-parent and he is on board with paying. He knows how good the sport is for DS. DH practices the sport with DS regularly and travels to all the tournaments. He loves me and our family. If you love your family, it’s not an obligation. You want to be there and provide for them.

DS is not a resentful teen. As teens get older, they have a larger say in which parent they live with. ExH did not remarry and lives alone. DS choose to live in our house, with a step parent, over staying with his single father. Even if we had split custody, I would never shut him out on off custody days. His little brother has shared custody and we have him on off days for holidays and vacations. They are always welcome.

ExH still isn’t easy, but he would be difficult with or without DH. We just choose to not engage with ExH when he’s being unreasonable. There is only drama if you choose drama.

DH’s mother isn’t easy either. We all bring something to the table. If you really love someone, it’s part of the package.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Happily married with my own. But if I were single I would never. I am aware of my limitations.

This. Successful step-parenting takes a level of flexibility, generosity, and desire for a big family that most people simply do not have. The people who do it well are special. Are you special like that, OP? Most people aren't.

[Anonymous]

The real question is, does anyone know someone who married someone with kids who is actually, legitimately happy and better off than they would have been if they remained single and/or held out to marry someone with no kids? I don't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's only a good idea if you're very realistic, and even then it's a giant pain. If you truly enjoy teenagers and don't want your own kids, it's easier. But you have to understand, teenagers are a giant pain. They're moody. They're resentful and rude. They damage the car and they make stupid mistakes that cost tons of money. Big kids, big problems. And that's the case even with the best parents and happiest intact families. It's way worse if they've been through the trauma of a bad marriage, a divorce, and joint custody. It's way worse if they're watching another kid get their dad full-time while they get half.

Understand that teenagers' activities are time-consuming and expensive. Really understand what travel sports involve. What little savings I have after paying the orthodontist, youth orchestra has efficiently removed from my bank account. Don't expect they'll care much about you, your preferences, your family, and your children. Don't think you're just so delightful and you make their father sooooo happy that they'll agree to give up their activities so you can afford expensive classes for your toddler. Understand that you are choosing for your children to have older siblings. You are choosing for your future baby to be child #3 or 4 or whatever of its father, it's not the same amount of attention that a first child would receive. It can be a lonely life, being home with the little kids while the dad deals with the bigs.

You have zero control over what happens with the kids' other parent and other household, but you'll be expected to be cordial and cooperative and plan your schedules to be compatible. If something bad happens in the other house or the parenting is bad, you'll feel the impact. If the other parent is unable to care for the kids, they'll be yours full-time. If they get on bad terms with their other parent, they'll be yours full-time, or you'll destroy the relationship if you turn them away. Teenagers don't respect custody agreements.

And if you're considering marrying someone significantly older than yourself, that's a whole nother ball of wax. A lot of men genuinely want to marry and love all of their kids, but there just isn't enough energy, time, or money to go around, and the women end up frustrated and overworked.
I would suggest you check out this thread for a reality check:

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/998487.page

For one thing, your toddler doesn't need expensive classes, especially if you struggle to afford them.

This entire post is absurd. Most kids are not in travel sports. Its not the teens who don't respect the custody arrangements, its generally one of the parents.

1) Most older children have an activity that takes up their parents' time and money. It could be a sport or it could be marching band or any number of things. The point is, it adds up. College visits. Orthodontics. Be sure you know what you're signing up for financially here. You can say "step-parents shouldn't have to pay" but it's still coming out of your household's pocket, and if the other parent loses their job it'll be all on your side.

2) Just try forcing an angry and resentful teenager onto a custody schedule they dislike and you'll see what I mean. They'll refuse and what are you going to do about it, take them to court until they agree to be in a happy family with you? Lock them out of your house when they're supposed to be with their other parent? Come on. There aren't good options for this situation. And if the problem is the other parent, you're still step-parenting a teen whose other parent is difficult, and that's not easy either.

Have you ever lived through this as a parent or step-parent? My experience isn’t this at all. My older child plays an expensive travel sport. It costs around $10K per year in direct fees, not including travel costs for 8 travel tournaments out-of-state per year or equipment. DH is the step-parent and he is on board with paying. He knows how good the sport is for DS. DH practices the sport with DS regularly and travels to all the tournaments. He loves me and our family. If you love your family, it’s not an obligation. You want to be there and provide for them.

DS is not a resentful teen. As teens get older, they have a larger say in which parent they live with. ExH did not remarry and lives alone. DS choose to live in our house, with a step parent, over staying with his single father. Even if we had split custody, I would never shut him out on off custody days. His little brother has shared custody and we have him on off days for holidays and vacations. They are always welcome.

ExH still isn’t easy, but he would be difficult with or without DH. We just choose to not engage with ExH when he’s being unreasonable. There is only drama if you choose drama.

DH’s mother isn’t easy either. We all bring something to the table. If you really love someone, it’s part of the package.

I'm glad you think it's working out for you so far. But you're the bio parent so you don't really have a step-parent's perspective. Sometimes kids get a lot more expensive, and sometimes drama chooses you. For example your ex could take you to court anytime. You can't "choose not to engage" with a summons unless you default. Your kid could make a stupid choice or have an expensive mishap anytime.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The real question is, does anyone know someone who married someone with kids who is actually, legitimately happy and better off than they would have been if they remained single and/or held out to marry someone with no kids? I don't.

It's really, really hard to know because people aren't honest about this stuff, even to themselves. And because they don't know what the future will hold. They might have been fine with it when the children were minors but then when the children need substantial support as adults they aren't fine with it, for example. They might be thinking their stepchildren will care for them in old age and then it doesn't turn out that way. Marrying with an age difference is all fun and games at first, the hard part is back-loaded and you're doing elder-care while the second batch of kids is still teens. People don't really know how they feel about their choices until they see how it plays out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The real question is, does anyone know someone who married someone with kids who is actually, legitimately happy and better off than they would have been if they remained single and/or held out to marry someone with no kids? I don't.

It's really, really hard to know because people aren't honest about this stuff, even to themselves. And because they don't know what the future will hold. They might have been fine with it when the children were minors but then when the children need substantial support as adults they aren't fine with it, for example. They might be thinking their stepchildren will care for them in old age and then it doesn't turn out that way. Marrying with an age difference is all fun and games at first, the hard part is back-loaded and you're doing elder-care while the second batch of kids is still teens. People don't really know how they feel about their choices until they see how it plays out.

+1000. At least you can always divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The real question is, does anyone know someone who married someone with kids who is actually, legitimately happy and better off than they would have been if they remained single and/or held out to marry someone with no kids? I don't.

I have kids and have no interest in dating anyone that doesn't. I just think they wouldn't have the same experience as me in life. Probably is the same for single people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sure, not everyone regrets it. But here's the thing, OP and defensive divorced people, that you need to understand. Divorced and remarried parents are not reliable narrators. And in these kinds of families, people actively deceive themselves and each other about their true feelings. People don't like to admit, even to themselves, that their choices haven't worked out or that their children and their partner don't get along. And if I were a step-parent (which I hope never to do) I'd probably pretend to be happier than I actually was because the alternative would be a lot of drama. I'm an ACOD and I pretend to be fine with my parents' new partners because that's easiest for me. But I actually think they both are a pain and bring lots of problems into the family, and I don't think they feel any better about me. We're all pretending for the sake of the person we love, who wants to have all of us in their lives.

So, OP and others, listen to us ACOD. We've had a front-row seat in all of this. Yes it sometimes works out okay if everyone tries really hard and the family has some money and some good luck. But these kinds of families are a higher level of difficulty and they are fragile. When they're hard, they're really hard-- and hardship can pop up at anytime even when the stepchildren are adults. Listen to us ACOD who tell you that even in the best-case scenario, when everyone genuinely tries and is kind, is still pretty unappealing after you've seen it up close.

This x1,000. Same for every ACOD I know.

Amazingly accurate and well-put

— New poster and ACOD

Not every person remarries. Remarriage has been on the decline for 20 years. ACOD in 10 years (children now) will have a drastically different view.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The real question is, does anyone know someone who married someone with kids who is actually, legitimately happy and better off than they would have been if they remained single and/or held out to marry someone with no kids? I don't.

I have kids and have no interest in dating anyone that doesn't. I just think they wouldn't have the same experience as me in life. Probably is the same for single people.

I have kids and don't date anyone who does. I am not interested in more complications.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The real question is, does anyone know someone who married someone with kids who is actually, legitimately happy and better off than they would have been if they remained single and/or held out to marry someone with no kids? I don't.

It's really, really hard to know because people aren't honest about this stuff, even to themselves. And because they don't know what the future will hold. They might have been fine with it when the children were minors but then when the children need substantial support as adults they aren't fine with it, for example. They might be thinking their stepchildren will care for them in old age and then it doesn't turn out that way. Marrying with an age difference is all fun and games at first, the hard part is back-loaded and you're doing elder-care while the second batch of kids is still teens. People don't really know how they feel about their choices until they see how it plays out.

+1000. At least you can always divorce.

And you get naive second wives who are in the lull when the older kids are in college and in their mid-twenties so they're pretty low maintenance. Yay, we're doing so great with our second batch little kids, my husband's salt and pepper hair is so distinguished, everyone is willing to play happy family long enough to appease and take a few photos. So they'll say they're happy-- and they are! Anything bad can be blamed on the ex. Oh, the ex did such a bad job raising the older set of kids, nothing is DH's fault!

But after a while, it's not so easy. Dad slows down but the second batch of kids needs his time, energy, and money. Dad loves the kids but is kind of over parenting-- he never wanted this many kids in the first place. Big kids are having weddings and houses and grandkids and want their father's attention and maybe money too, new wife doesn't think any of this is a priority but of course she'd feel differently if it were her kids. Everyone, including the little kids, knows that the big kids politely DGAF about the second family. Little kids' college funds vs. retirement. Dad's parents get old, sick, high-maintenance. Dad gets slower and new wife can see he wants to retire, but he can't-- and when he does, she'll still be parenting and working. If it weren't for the big kids' expenses, which are already spent, she could retire early. But she can't, and by the time she can, dad will be old and way less fun. But she doesn't see this coming, so she's happy now!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP asked if anyone regretted marrying someone with kids. Then lots of people post that they would never marry someone with kids. So these people haven’t even married someone with kids and couldn’t regret a decision they never made before. I take their advice for what it’s worth.

DH married me with 3 kids. He tells me he would do it all over again. Having kids is hard for anyone - parent or step-parent. It is way easier with a loving and supportive parent than with a parent that you’re constantly fighting with. My oldest kid is a teen and very easy. Great grades, varsity athlete, has a job, helps at home. He lives in a stable environment with parents who love him.

Of course things can go bad, but that can happen in any family. My parents never divorced and still live miserably together. They constantly fight. I wish they would’ve separated, but it’s their choice. I’m a grown adult and would never expect them to make life choices for me.

Not every step-parent hates their step-children and vice versa. DH and the kids get along great.

I have a similar experience to report, only I had two kids and then we had a third together; the older two are now young adults, so the teenage years are over. Someone above linked a different thread on stepparenting where there were lots of unhappy campers. It seems that the most disappointment comes from the women who married divorced dads and can't stop mentally calculating how much better they would have been if they met the guy before he had children. Now that meal ticket has to be split in 3 or 4. That's a very specific mindset and doesn't apply to all.

This seems to be the case in my circle as well- and is for me. My ex's new wife had no clue what child support obligations (plus his share of travel costs and the gifts he personally wants to buy them) would look like. I think this was exacerbated by the fact that she was young, so didn't know many people with kids, and seems it has been a struggle for them since their own child came along. On the other hand, my DH has his own grown kids and is happy having mine around more or less full time. I am really appreciative of the amount he pitches in because, to some degree, it is all feels like "extra" since they aren't "his" and I was on my own for years before. So another factor may be that moms with kids appreciate second DH's efforts more (however that compares with the kids' bio dad).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The real question is, does anyone know someone who married someone with kids who is actually, legitimately happy and better off than they would have been if they remained single and/or held out to marry someone with no kids? I don't.

It's really, really hard to know because people aren't honest about this stuff, even to themselves. And because they don't know what the future will hold. They might have been fine with it when the children were minors but then when the children need substantial support as adults they aren't fine with it, for example. They might be thinking their stepchildren will care for them in old age and then it doesn't turn out that way. Marrying with an age difference is all fun and games at first, the hard part is back-loaded and you're doing elder-care while the second batch of kids is still teens. People don't really know how they feel about their choices until they see how it plays out.

+1000. At least you can always divorce.

And you get naive second wives who are in the lull when the older kids are in college and in their mid-twenties so they're pretty low maintenance. Yay, we're doing so great with our second batch little kids, my husband's salt and pepper hair is so distinguished, everyone is willing to play happy family long enough to appease and take a few photos. So they'll say they're happy-- and they are! Anything bad can be blamed on the ex. Oh, the ex did such a bad job raising the older set of kids, nothing is DH's fault!

But after a while, it's not so easy. Dad slows down but the second batch of kids needs his time, energy, and money. Dad loves the kids but is kind of over parenting-- he never wanted this many kids in the first place. Big kids are having weddings and houses and grandkids and want their father's attention and maybe money too, new wife doesn't think any of this is a priority but of course she'd feel differently if it were her kids. Everyone, including the little kids, knows that the big kids politely DGAF about the second family. Little kids' college funds vs. retirement. Dad's parents get old, sick, high-maintenance. Dad gets slower and new wife can see he wants to retire, but he can't-- and when he does, she'll still be parenting and working. If it weren't for the big kids' expenses, which are already spent, she could retire early. But she can't, and by the time she can, dad will be old and way less fun. But she doesn't see this coming, so she's happy now!

If you don't share finances except for your own home, is it that big a deal?

[Anonymous]

I'm not really understanding why adult kids get a say in whether a parent remarries after they've moved out of the house. If they are that selfish that they want their life to have no complications because of a step parent then I don't really think they deserve the time and money of a parent as an adult. They want their parent to live a life of celibacy alone? I don't get it.

[Anonymous]

"You're not my dad! You don't get to tell me what to do!"

Yep. That's a non-starter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The real question is, does anyone know someone who married someone with kids who is actually, legitimately happy and better off than they would have been if they remained single and/or held out to marry someone with no kids? I don't.

It's really, really hard to know because people aren't honest about this stuff, even to themselves. And because they don't know what the future will hold. They might have been fine with it when the children were minors but then when the children need substantial support as adults they aren't fine with it, for example. They might be thinking their stepchildren will care for them in old age and then it doesn't turn out that way. Marrying with an age difference is all fun and games at first, the hard part is back-loaded and you're doing elder-care while the second batch of kids is still teens. People don't really know how they feel about their choices until they see how it plays out.

+1000. At least you can always divorce.

And you get naive second wives who are in the lull when the older kids are in college and in their mid-twenties so they're pretty low maintenance. Yay, we're doing so great with our second batch little kids, my husband's salt and pepper hair is so distinguished, everyone is willing to play happy family long enough to appease and take a few photos. So they'll say they're happy-- and they are! Anything bad can be blamed on the ex. Oh, the ex did such a bad job raising the older set of kids, nothing is DH's fault!

But after a while, it's not so easy. Dad slows down but the second batch of kids needs his time, energy, and money. Dad loves the kids but is kind of over parenting-- he never wanted this many kids in the first place. Big kids are having weddings and houses and grandkids and want their father's attention and maybe money too, new wife doesn't think any of this is a priority but of course she'd feel differently if it were her kids. Everyone, including the little kids, knows that the big kids politely DGAF about the second family. Little kids' college funds vs. retirement. Dad's parents get old, sick, high-maintenance. Dad gets slower and new wife can see he wants to retire, but he can't-- and when he does, she'll still be parenting and working. If it weren't for the big kids' expenses, which are already spent, she could retire early. But she can't, and by the time she can, dad will be old and way less fun. But she doesn't see this coming, so she's happy now!

Wow, way over generalizing. Adults aren't entitled to their parents money and why can't mom fund those things as well.

As the second family, we comfortably have retirement and college savings for our kids and Dad has in no way slowed down. And, as the spouse, I took care of Dad's mom, not Dad.

You sound bitter and angry and pretty miserable.