Marrying someone with kids

[Anonymous]

It's only a good idea if you're very realistic, and even then it's a giant pain. If you truly enjoy teenagers and don't want your own kids, it's easier. But you have to understand, teenagers are a giant pain. They're moody. They're resentful and rude. They damage the car and they make stupid mistakes that cost tons of money. Big kids, big problems. And that's the case even with the best parents and happiest intact families. It's way worse if they've been through the trauma of a bad marriage, a divorce, and joint custody. It's way worse if they're watching another kid get their dad full-time while they get half.

Understand that teenagers' activities are time-consuming and expensive. Really understand what travel sports involve. What little savings I have after paying the orthodontist, youth orchestra has efficiently removed from my bank account. Don't expect they'll care much about you, your preferences, your family, and your children. Don't think you're just so delightful and you make their father sooooo happy that they'll agree to give up their activities so you can afford expensive classes for your toddler. Understand that you are choosing for your children to have older siblings. You are choosing for your future baby to be child #3 or 4 or whatever of its father, it's not the same amount of attention that a first child would receive. It can be a lonely life, being home with the little kids while the dad deals with the bigs.

You have zero control over what happens with the kids' other parent and other household, but you'll be expected to be cordial and cooperative and plan your schedules to be compatible. If something bad happens in the other house or the parenting is bad, you'll feel the impact. If the other parent is unable to care for the kids, they'll be yours full-time. If they get on bad terms with their other parent, they'll be yours full-time, or you'll destroy the relationship if you turn them away. Teenagers don't respect custody agreements.

And if you're considering marrying someone significantly older than yourself, that's a whole nother ball of wax. A lot of men genuinely want to marry and love all of their kids, but there just isn't enough energy, time, or money to go around, and the women end up frustrated and overworked.
I would suggest you check out this thread for a reality check:

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/998487.page

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Only if you are super, super realistic about it.

1) People say "children are resilient" but sometimes they are, sometimes they aren't. And the cliche is not "children like their stepparents".

2) Parenting is forever. You get a lull when they go off to college and are in their 20s, if all goes well, but then it's weddings and babies and they'll want your partner to be the doting grandparent. Problems-- very real problems-- can crop up at any time and being a parent means being supportive even when it's a lot.

3) Don't kid yourself that everything's the ex's fault. It isn't. Don't be that naive new partner believing whatever they're told.

4) If you don't agree with your partner's parenting choices, break up. They aren't going to change for you. They probably aren't even capable of changing. And you should never agree to raise children with someone whose parenting you disagree with.

Solid advice here

[Anonymous]

I would say it depends on how many kids, how old, how their other parent is, and how much you like kids.

[Anonymous]

DH and I each had kids when we got married (second marriage for both of us). Little bit of a Brady Bunch situation. We took a lot of time making sure our relationship was a forever one, then introducing each other to the kids, then introducing them to each other, then discussing how to work things out (discipline, money, personalized time with each kid, etc.) to make sure we were on the same page and addressing things that would come up.

So it was a TON of slow groundwork, but I think it was worth it. We have very few problems and the kids are thriving.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's only a good idea if you're very realistic, and even then it's a giant pain. If you truly enjoy teenagers and don't want your own kids, it's easier. But you have to understand, teenagers are a giant pain. They're moody. They're resentful and rude. They damage the car and they make stupid mistakes that cost tons of money. Big kids, big problems. And that's the case even with the best parents and happiest intact families. It's way worse if they've been through the trauma of a bad marriage, a divorce, and joint custody. It's way worse if they're watching another kid get their dad full-time while they get half.

Understand that teenagers' activities are time-consuming and expensive. Really understand what travel sports involve. What little savings I have after paying the orthodontist, youth orchestra has efficiently removed from my bank account. Don't expect they'll care much about you, your preferences, your family, and your children. Don't think you're just so delightful and you make their father sooooo happy that they'll agree to give up their activities so you can afford expensive classes for your toddler. Understand that you are choosing for your children to have older siblings. You are choosing for your future baby to be child #3 or 4 or whatever of its father, it's not the same amount of attention that a first child would receive. It can be a lonely life, being home with the little kids while the dad deals with the bigs.

You have zero control over what happens with the kids' other parent and other household, but you'll be expected to be cordial and cooperative and plan your schedules to be compatible. If something bad happens in the other house or the parenting is bad, you'll feel the impact. If the other parent is unable to care for the kids, they'll be yours full-time. If they get on bad terms with their other parent, they'll be yours full-time, or you'll destroy the relationship if you turn them away. Teenagers don't respect custody agreements.

And if you're considering marrying someone significantly older than yourself, that's a whole nother ball of wax. A lot of men genuinely want to marry and love all of their kids, but there just isn't enough energy, time, or money to go around, and the women end up frustrated and overworked.
I would suggest you check out this thread for a reality check:

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/998487.page

For one thing, your toddler doesn't need expensive classes, especially if you struggle to afford them.

[Anonymous]

If you truly enjoy teenagers and don't want your own kids, it's easier. But you have to understand, teenagers are a giant pain. They're moody. They're resentful and rude. They damage the car and they make stupid mistakes that cost tons of money. Big kids, big problems. And that's the case even with the best parents and happiest intact families. It's way worse if they've been through the trauma of a bad marriage, a divorce, and joint custody. It's way worse if they're watching another kid get their dad full-time while they get half.

Even if you enjoy teenagers, this is all so true. My own teen boys are so tough, and often times make stupid decisions. It's a difficult road. If you get easy teens, be grateful. I don't think I could parent my teens if I were their step mother. It's just too tough, too easy to be resentful and angry. It really takes unconditional love to get through the most difficult of times.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

If you truly enjoy teenagers and don't want your own kids, it's easier. But you have to understand, teenagers are a giant pain. They're moody. They're resentful and rude. They damage the car and they make stupid mistakes that cost tons of money. Big kids, big problems. And that's the case even with the best parents and happiest intact families. It's way worse if they've been through the trauma of a bad marriage, a divorce, and joint custody. It's way worse if they're watching another kid get their dad full-time while they get half.

Even if you enjoy teenagers, this is all so true. My own teen boys are so tough, and often times make stupid decisions. It's a difficult road. If you get easy teens, be grateful. I don't think I could parent my teens if I were their step mother. It's just too tough, too easy to be resentful and angry. It really takes unconditional love to get through the most difficult of times.

Indeed. It's like having a horse. Expensive, time-consuming, and smells terrible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would never. Having been the kid, and I genuinely like my stepmother, I still think it's just too complicated. Logistical misery forever.

Agree. I love my stepmother. But then my dad divorced her too. Same goes for my stepfather. So now I have 4 households of “parents” to try and manage. Not including my DH’s family..

[Anonymous]

OP asked if anyone regretted marrying someone with kids. Then lots of people post that they would never marry someone with kids. So these people haven’t even married someone with kids and couldn’t regret a decision they never made before. I take their advice for what it’s worth.

DH married me with 3 kids. He tells me he would do it all over again. Having kids is hard for anyone - parent or step-parent. It is way easier with a loving and supportive parent than with a parent that you’re constantly fighting with. My oldest kid is a teen and very easy. Great grades, varsity athlete, has a job, helps at home. He lives in a stable environment with parents who love him.

Of course things can go bad, but that can happen in any family. My parents never divorced and still live miserably together. They constantly fight. I wish they would’ve separated, but it’s their choice. I’m a grown adult and would never expect them to make life choices for me.

Not every step-parent hates their step-children and vice versa. DH and the kids get along great.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP asked if anyone regretted marrying someone with kids. Then lots of people post that they would never marry someone with kids. So these people haven’t even married someone with kids and couldn’t regret a decision they never made before. I take their advice for what it’s worth.

DH married me with 3 kids. He tells me he would do it all over again. Having kids is hard for anyone - parent or step-parent. It is way easier with a loving and supportive parent than with a parent that you’re constantly fighting with. My oldest kid is a teen and very easy. Great grades, varsity athlete, has a job, helps at home. He lives in a stable environment with parents who love him.

Of course things can go bad, but that can happen in any family. My parents never divorced and still live miserably together. They constantly fight. I wish they would’ve separated, but it’s their choice. I’m a grown adult and would never expect them to make life choices for me.

Not every step-parent hates their step-children and vice versa. DH and the kids get along great.

Just because you like each other (or, you think they like each other, maybe reality is different) doesn't mean it's easy. It's logistically really really difficult even when everyone gets along. And the alternative is not staying in a bad marriage, it's finding a different partner who doesn't have kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP asked if anyone regretted marrying someone with kids. Then lots of people post that they would never marry someone with kids. So these people haven’t even married someone with kids and couldn’t regret a decision they never made before. I take their advice for what it’s worth.

DH married me with 3 kids. He tells me he would do it all over again. Having kids is hard for anyone - parent or step-parent. It is way easier with a loving and supportive parent than with a parent that you’re constantly fighting with. My oldest kid is a teen and very easy. Great grades, varsity athlete, has a job, helps at home. He lives in a stable environment with parents who love him.

Of course things can go bad, but that can happen in any family. My parents never divorced and still live miserably together. They constantly fight. I wish they would’ve separated, but it’s their choice. I’m a grown adult and would never expect them to make life choices for me.

Not every step-parent hates their step-children and vice versa. DH and the kids get along great.

I have a similar experience to report, only I had two kids and then we had a third together; the older two are now young adults, so the teenage years are over. Someone above linked a different thread on stepparenting where there were lots of unhappy campers. It seems that the most disappointment comes from the women who married divorced dads and can't stop mentally calculating how much better they would have been if they met the guy before he had children. Now that meal ticket has to be split in 3 or 4. That's a very specific mindset and doesn't apply to all.

[Anonymous]

It only works if both individuals are bring kid(s) to the table. Misery loves company, and all that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It only works if both individuals are bring kid(s) to the table. Misery loves company, and all that.

I think it also works if there is no ex in the picture at all (widow or sperm donor who will never show up again) and you don't have to split custody.

[Anonymous]

My best friend married a woman with kids (he also has three of his own, a few years older than hers). When they got together her kids were 10 and 12 and they all started living together in a big house in a rural location. When the kids got to about 15 & 16 they wanted to be closer to town so he bought them a 2nd family home in the nearest town (where their school was located and friends). And all of them split their time between the two places. Now the kids are 18 & 19 and have not got into college. Their mother lives with them in the town and my friend lives alone in the rural house. Tensions with my friend (male) and his stepson got so bad they can't be in the same place at the same time.

It looks from the outside like she is using him for his money (he has a lot) and not treating him very well.

[Anonymous]

Yes, I regret it most days. I don't expect our marriage to last forever. When he has grandkids, I'll probably bail because our marriage hasn't been that good overall, and I don't want to do with anymore complications - not worth it. I'd rather be single for the rest of my life than deal with any further complications.