Marrying someone with kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom married my dad, who had two prior children. They hate her. Hate for no reason whatsoever - my dad was a widower when he met my mom, so it's not like she broke his first marriage. She's 80 years old now, they are in their 50s and still hate her, although she tried her hardest. One of them came over the other day and told me that my dad married down and she was never as beautiful as their mom; never mind that my parents have been married for 45 years now. Don't do it unless the kids are out of college.

They sound strange and bitter. The kids.

It's not strange and bitter. Kids have emotions about the death of their mother, replacement with a step mother. While that is not SM's fault, those emotions fall somewhere, often on the shoulders of the step parent. Have you ever been mad about a situation that's no one's fault? That anger has to go somewhere, and it's easier to find blame or fault with the person who has replaced your parent (even in cases of divorce). With affairs its even easier to assign blame for anger, regret, sadness to the step parent. Even if they are a really loving step parent.

It's not strange, its a way to cope with very real feelings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom married my dad, who had two prior children. They hate her. Hate for no reason whatsoever - my dad was a widower when he met my mom, so it's not like she broke his first marriage. She's 80 years old now, they are in their 50s and still hate her, although she tried her hardest. One of them came over the other day and told me that my dad married down and she was never as beautiful as their mom; never mind that my parents have been married for 45 years now. Don't do it unless the kids are out of college.

They sound strange and bitter. The kids.

If it's true, it's still a reason marrying someone with kids is a bad plan. This mom tried and tried and did nothing wrong and still they hate her. Fun times! I wonder why she chose to marry into a family of people who hate her.

Well, she’ll inherit from their dad and then she’ll have the last laugh.

Yay for her. The thing is, plenty of us ACOD have our own money and don't care if we inherit. It isn't worth the drama. And lots of our parents are broke! Know why? Divorce is expensive. Multiple sets of kids is expensive. Appeasing your unhappy younger wife is expensive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom married my dad, who had two prior children. They hate her. Hate for no reason whatsoever - my dad was a widower when he met my mom, so it's not like she broke his first marriage. She's 80 years old now, they are in their 50s and still hate her, although she tried her hardest. One of them came over the other day and told me that my dad married down and she was never as beautiful as their mom; never mind that my parents have been married for 45 years now. Don't do it unless the kids are out of college.

They sound strange and bitter. The kids.

It's not strange and bitter. Kids have emotions about the death of their mother, replacement with a step mother. While that is not SM's fault, those emotions fall somewhere, often on the shoulders of the step parent. Have you ever been mad about a situation that's no one's fault? That anger has to go somewhere, and it's easier to find blame or fault with the person who has replaced your parent (even in cases of divorce). With affairs its even easier to assign blame for anger, regret, sadness to the step parent. Even if they are a really loving step parent.

It's not strange, its a way to cope with very real feelings.

This is true; I'm the OP and their mom died accidentally, so it was a shock and they took it on my mom. I think they were around 5 and 3 when she died. The 3 year old kind of got over it after a while but the older one, who was 5 years old and remembers his mom, is still not well emotionally, after 50 years. However, my poor mom did NOT deserve this. When they visit, she makes sure she cooks their favorite foods, has the wife's favorite wine ready, and she's always so nice. Yet they talk trash behind her back all the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom married my dad, who had two prior children. They hate her. Hate for no reason whatsoever - my dad was a widower when he met my mom, so it's not like she broke his first marriage. She's 80 years old now, they are in their 50s and still hate her, although she tried her hardest. One of them came over the other day and told me that my dad married down and she was never as beautiful as their mom; never mind that my parents have been married for 45 years now. Don't do it unless the kids are out of college.

They sound strange and bitter. The kids.

It's not strange and bitter. Kids have emotions about the death of their mother, replacement with a step mother. While that is not SM's fault, those emotions fall somewhere, often on the shoulders of the step parent. Have you ever been mad about a situation that's no one's fault? That anger has to go somewhere, and it's easier to find blame or fault with the person who has replaced your parent (even in cases of divorce). With affairs its even easier to assign blame for anger, regret, sadness to the step parent. Even if they are a really loving step parent.

It's not strange, its a way to cope with very real feelings.

This is true; I'm the OP and their mom died accidentally, so it was a shock and they took it on my mom. I think they were around 5 and 3 when she died. The 3 year old kind of got over it after a while but the older one, who was 5 years old and remembers his mom, is still not well emotionally, after 50 years. However, my poor mom did NOT deserve this. When they visit, she makes sure she cooks their favorite foods, has the wife's favorite wine ready, and she's always so nice. Yet they talk trash behind her back all the time.

Grieving children don't care what adults think they "deserve". Your mom chose to marry into and have another kid in a family dealing with serious grief. Cooking favorite foods isn't going to be enough for that. Adequate parenting would involve therapy and not making your poor children share their father's time and watch another kid have their mom alive right in their own home. That sounds like agony for them. And it sounds like your parents didn't do the right thing to care for grieving children. So stop telling everyone how perfect your mom is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sure, not everyone regrets it. But here's the thing, OP and defensive divorced people, that you need to understand. Divorced and remarried parents are not reliable narrators. And in these kinds of families, people actively deceive themselves and each other about their true feelings. People don't like to admit, even to themselves, that their choices haven't worked out or that their children and their partner don't get along. And if I were a step-parent (which I hope never to do) I'd probably pretend to be happier than I actually was because the alternative would be a lot of drama. I'm an ACOD and I pretend to be fine with my parents' new partners because that's easiest for me. But I actually think they both are a pain and bring lots of problems into the family, and I don't think they feel any better about me. We're all pretending for the sake of the person we love, who wants to have all of us in their lives.

So, OP and others, listen to us ACOD. We've had a front-row seat in all of this. Yes it sometimes works out okay if everyone tries really hard and the family has some money and some good luck. But these kinds of families are a higher level of difficulty and they are fragile. When they're hard, they're really hard-- and hardship can pop up at anytime even when the stepchildren are adults. Listen to us ACOD who tell you that even in the best-case scenario, when everyone genuinely tries and is kind, is still pretty unappealing after you've seen it up close.

But the same is true about biological families. Many people chose their spouse poorly and their kids grow up with toxic dynamics. The parents tell themselves they are fine and hiding that toxicity from the kids for their sake but they aren’t. Research shows that the kids who do the worst are those from in tact but high conflict marriages. Just don’t act like what you describe above is limited to biological families.

"First marriages can be awful too" is not a very persuasive rationale for marrying someone with kids. And in a biological family, at least you're dealing with one household. No back-and-forthing the kids, no annoying new partners or stepsiblings. No spending money on two homes. No second divorces. And no matter how bad the parents are, at least they're your parents. The step-relationship is a fragile bond and doesn't do well when tested.

People who make the wrong choice with the first marriage often make the wrong choice with the second marriage too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom married my dad, who had two prior children. They hate her. Hate for no reason whatsoever - my dad was a widower when he met my mom, so it's not like she broke his first marriage. She's 80 years old now, they are in their 50s and still hate her, although she tried her hardest. One of them came over the other day and told me that my dad married down and she was never as beautiful as their mom; never mind that my parents have been married for 45 years now. Don't do it unless the kids are out of college.

They sound strange and bitter. The kids.

It's not strange and bitter. Kids have emotions about the death of their mother, replacement with a step mother. While that is not SM's fault, those emotions fall somewhere, often on the shoulders of the step parent. Have you ever been mad about a situation that's no one's fault? That anger has to go somewhere, and it's easier to find blame or fault with the person who has replaced your parent (even in cases of divorce). With affairs its even easier to assign blame for anger, regret, sadness to the step parent. Even if they are a really loving step parent.

It's not strange, its a way to cope with very real feelings.

This is true; I'm the OP and their mom died accidentally, so it was a shock and they took it on my mom. I think they were around 5 and 3 when she died. The 3 year old kind of got over it after a while but the older one, who was 5 years old and remembers his mom, is still not well emotionally, after 50 years. However, my poor mom did NOT deserve this. When they visit, she makes sure she cooks their favorite foods, has the wife's favorite wine ready, and she's always so nice. Yet they talk trash behind her back all the time.

Grieving children don't care what adults think they "deserve". Your mom chose to marry into and have another kid in a family dealing with serious grief. Cooking favorite foods isn't going to be enough for that. Adequate parenting would involve therapy and not making your poor children share their father's time and watch another kid have their mom alive right in their own home. That sounds like agony for them. And it sounds like your parents didn't do the right thing to care for grieving children. So stop telling everyone how perfect your mom is.

That’s some emotional immaturity you’re displaying PP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I did and it was fine when the kids were small. When the kids hit their teens, and he battled with them constantly, I hated every minute of it. I hated how he was as a father of teens (and now young adults). And sure enough, he's the same way with our now-teen son. It's really sad. I guess you can't predict how people will be as parents. But I felt like he was such a great dad to his young kids, that he'd always be a great dad.

Other than that, it's been relatively easy, logistically and otherwise. I did not have children when we married. That might have made it easier.

I could have written every word of this.

My problem isn’t that my DH had kids, my problem was how he was/is as a father.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sure, not everyone regrets it. But here's the thing, OP and defensive divorced people, that you need to understand. Divorced and remarried parents are not reliable narrators. And in these kinds of families, people actively deceive themselves and each other about their true feelings. People don't like to admit, even to themselves, that their choices haven't worked out or that their children and their partner don't get along. And if I were a step-parent (which I hope never to do) I'd probably pretend to be happier than I actually was because the alternative would be a lot of drama. I'm an ACOD and I pretend to be fine with my parents' new partners because that's easiest for me. But I actually think they both are a pain and bring lots of problems into the family, and I don't think they feel any better about me. We're all pretending for the sake of the person we love, who wants to have all of us in their lives.

So, OP and others, listen to us ACOD. We've had a front-row seat in all of this. Yes it sometimes works out okay if everyone tries really hard and the family has some money and some good luck. But these kinds of families are a higher level of difficulty and they are fragile. When they're hard, they're really hard-- and hardship can pop up at anytime even when the stepchildren are adults. Listen to us ACOD who tell you that even in the best-case scenario, when everyone genuinely tries and is kind, is still pretty unappealing after you've seen it up close.

But the same is true about biological families. Many people chose their spouse poorly and their kids grow up with toxic dynamics. The parents tell themselves they are fine and hiding that toxicity from the kids for their sake but they aren’t. Research shows that the kids who do the worst are those from in tact but high conflict marriages. Just don’t act like what you describe above is limited to biological families.

"First marriages can be awful too" is not a very persuasive rationale for marrying someone with kids. And in a biological family, at least you're dealing with one household. No back-and-forthing the kids, no annoying new partners or stepsiblings. No spending money on two homes. No second divorces. And no matter how bad the parents are, at least they're your parents. The step-relationship is a fragile bond and doesn't do well when tested.

People who make the wrong choice with the first marriage often make the wrong choice with the second marriage too.

I’m not saying it takes away from added challenges of blended families, but only that very major challenges that are scarring can be present in biological families too—and sometimes these are worse. There isn’t a black and white one size fits all answer to these questions. Statistically the blended family will be harder. But not always and for everyone. Also, many people learn from their mistakes in their first marriages and go on to have and model better relationships later on. Again, not always, but this is also an outcome.

I know many people who were quite screwed up by their in tact biological families. Maybe another example would have been beneficial. When my dad remarried, I actually struggled the most because of my biological mother who was angry and resentful. And took things out on me. My dad and stepmom were a respite from that.

And to the poster above with the adult kids who still resent her mom (their stepmom), what immature excuses they hold. They would have likely grown up to be sour no matter what. My dad does at a young age. I don’t take Thai out on my mom’s partner now… so odd!

[Anonymous]

I met my DH in my mid-twenties; he was in his early thirties with a seven year old daughter. It was quickly apparent to me that his ex was a trainwreck. What was supposed to be joint custody was really DH being the primary parent by far. Still, I was good with it and totally charmed by the little girl taking my hand our second time meeting and telling me she wanted me to be her mommy. I married my handsome, funny, smart DH and all was great, except for occasional conflict with the bio mom. We had a DS and then four years later DS2, a bit of a surprise.

DH was killed in a car accident before he turned forty. Just one of those things you'd never expect. There was a split second where it seemed DD1 would return to the woman who birthed her, but she hadn't gotten her life in any better shape: problems with alcohol, keeping a job, questionable relationships. I ended up with full custody against the advice of some of my family. But the younger kids and I couldn't spare her. There were some rough patches with DD1's grief and adjustment, but she is a good and smart person, and truly a wonderful daughter and big sister. I couldn't be prouder of how she's conducted her life.

Yet in my widowhood, I've been very reticent to consider marriage. I do have a gentleman friend (I love that term) who feels similarly after surviving a divorce. I don't want to blend families. I like the one I have. It's possible I may feel differently when I have a fully empty next one day in the future, but for now all I want is some measure of peace and contentment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I met my DH in my mid-twenties; he was in his early thirties with a seven year old daughter. It was quickly apparent to me that his ex was a trainwreck. What was supposed to be joint custody was really DH being the primary parent by far. Still, I was good with it and totally charmed by the little girl taking my hand our second time meeting and telling me she wanted me to be her mommy. I married my handsome, funny, smart DH and all was great, except for occasional conflict with the bio mom. We had a DS and then four years later DS2, a bit of a surprise.

DH was killed in a car accident before he turned forty. Just one of those things you'd never expect. There was a split second where it seemed DD1 would return to the woman who birthed her, but she hadn't gotten her life in any better shape: problems with alcohol, keeping a job, questionable relationships. I ended up with full custody against the advice of some of my family. But the younger kids and I couldn't spare her. There were some rough patches with DD1's grief and adjustment, but she is a good and smart person, and truly a wonderful daughter and big sister. I couldn't be prouder of how she's conducted her life.

Yet in my widowhood, I've been very reticent to consider marriage. I do have a gentleman friend (I love that term) who feels similarly after surviving a divorce. I don't want to blend families. I like the one I have. It's possible I may feel differently when I have a fully empty next one day in the future, but for now all I want is some measure of peace and contentment.

So sorry for your loss PP. Seems like you are handling all these complexities with grace.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom married my dad, who had two prior children. They hate her. Hate for no reason whatsoever - my dad was a widower when he met my mom, so it's not like she broke his first marriage. She's 80 years old now, they are in their 50s and still hate her, although she tried her hardest. One of them came over the other day and told me that my dad married down and she was never as beautiful as their mom; never mind that my parents have been married for 45 years now. Don't do it unless the kids are out of college.

They sound strange and bitter. The kids.

It's not strange and bitter. Kids have emotions about the death of their mother, replacement with a step mother. While that is not SM's fault, those emotions fall somewhere, often on the shoulders of the step parent. Have you ever been mad about a situation that's no one's fault? That anger has to go somewhere, and it's easier to find blame or fault with the person who has replaced your parent (even in cases of divorce). With affairs its even easier to assign blame for anger, regret, sadness to the step parent. Even if they are a really loving step parent.

It's not strange, its a way to cope with very real feelings.

This is true; I'm the OP and their mom died accidentally, so it was a shock and they took it on my mom. I think they were around 5 and 3 when she died. The 3 year old kind of got over it after a while but the older one, who was 5 years old and remembers his mom, is still not well emotionally, after 50 years. However, my poor mom did NOT deserve this. When they visit, she makes sure she cooks their favorite foods, has the wife's favorite wine ready, and she's always so nice. Yet they talk trash behind her back all the time.

Grieving children don't care what adults think they "deserve". Your mom chose to marry into and have another kid in a family dealing with serious grief. Cooking favorite foods isn't going to be enough for that. Adequate parenting would involve therapy and not making your poor children share their father's time and watch another kid have their mom alive right in their own home. That sounds like agony for them. And it sounds like your parents didn't do the right thing to care for grieving children. So stop telling everyone how perfect your mom is.

They are not children, they are past middle age men in their 50s. This was in the communist bloc in the 1970s, so you have no idea what you're talking about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I met my DH in my mid-twenties; he was in his early thirties with a seven year old daughter. It was quickly apparent to me that his ex was a trainwreck. What was supposed to be joint custody was really DH being the primary parent by far. Still, I was good with it and totally charmed by the little girl taking my hand our second time meeting and telling me she wanted me to be her mommy. I married my handsome, funny, smart DH and all was great, except for occasional conflict with the bio mom. We had a DS and then four years later DS2, a bit of a surprise.

DH was killed in a car accident before he turned forty. Just one of those things you'd never expect. There was a split second where it seemed DD1 would return to the woman who birthed her, but she hadn't gotten her life in any better shape: problems with alcohol, keeping a job, questionable relationships. I ended up with full custody against the advice of some of my family. But the younger kids and I couldn't spare her. There were some rough patches with DD1's grief and adjustment, but she is a good and smart person, and truly a wonderful daughter and big sister. I couldn't be prouder of how she's conducted her life.

Yet in my widowhood, I've been very reticent to consider marriage. I do have a gentleman friend (I love that term) who feels similarly after surviving a divorce. I don't want to blend families. I like the one I have. It's possible I may feel differently when I have a fully empty next one day in the future, but for now all I want is some measure of peace and contentment.

So sorry for your loss PP. Seems like you are handling all these complexities with grace.

That would be my concern marrying someone with a young kid. I wouldn’t want to be their parent if my spouse dies.

[Anonymous]

I have two step children now 10 and 12 and they are amazing but if i could redo my life i wouldn’t be with someone who has no kids. We have a baby together and his kids love her deeply but there are just so many complications. The will, the finances, their sports, activities - i never come first. I really should have chosen someone with no kids so we could build a family together and be a real team.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m the second younger wife and DH’s sons are actually older than me although no one knows exactly what the age difference is 😀 I think I feel fine about it because DH has very good boundaries and doesn’t gift any money to anyone, not even me. I don’t have to work because DH is wealthy enough but we both decided that it would be better for me to have a professional identity. I work a hybrid telecommuting schedule and DH is retired and we spend a lot of time together. I will agree with the poster that says no one really cares for the second spouse…and for that reason, I am not emotionally invested in any of his children or grandchildren. I suppose they will be sucking up to me when I eventually become a widow and take over DH’s trust but I don’t think they’re thinking that far right now.

You sound lovely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, I guess I should never get divorced if it seems this dismal…

NEVER divorce assuming you will find someone to remarry. Only divorce if you would rather be alone forever than stay in that marriage. Remarriage was not even a consideration in my divorce. I divorced because it was a terrible relationship. I never expected I would remarry or someone would want to marry me with my kid baggage. To think otherwise is completely unrealistic.

Exactly. And +1