Marrying someone with kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The real question is, does anyone know someone who married someone with kids who is actually, legitimately happy and better off than they would have been if they remained single and/or held out to marry someone with no kids? I don't.

It's really, really hard to know because people aren't honest about this stuff, even to themselves. And because they don't know what the future will hold. They might have been fine with it when the children were minors but then when the children need substantial support as adults they aren't fine with it, for example. They might be thinking their stepchildren will care for them in old age and then it doesn't turn out that way. Marrying with an age difference is all fun and games at first, the hard part is back-loaded and you're doing elder-care while the second batch of kids is still teens. People don't really know how they feel about their choices until they see how it plays out.

+1000. At least you can always divorce.

And you get naive second wives who are in the lull when the older kids are in college and in their mid-twenties so they're pretty low maintenance. Yay, we're doing so great with our second batch little kids, my husband's salt and pepper hair is so distinguished, everyone is willing to play happy family long enough to appease and take a few photos. So they'll say they're happy-- and they are! Anything bad can be blamed on the ex. Oh, the ex did such a bad job raising the older set of kids, nothing is DH's fault!

But after a while, it's not so easy. Dad slows down but the second batch of kids needs his time, energy, and money. Dad loves the kids but is kind of over parenting-- he never wanted this many kids in the first place. Big kids are having weddings and houses and grandkids and want their father's attention and maybe money too, new wife doesn't think any of this is a priority but of course she'd feel differently if it were her kids. Everyone, including the little kids, knows that the big kids politely DGAF about the second family. Little kids' college funds vs. retirement. Dad's parents get old, sick, high-maintenance. Dad gets slower and new wife can see he wants to retire, but he can't-- and when he does, she'll still be parenting and working. If it weren't for the big kids' expenses, which are already spent, she could retire early. But she can't, and by the time she can, dad will be old and way less fun. But she doesn't see this coming, so she's happy now!

Wow, way over generalizing. Adults aren't entitled to their parents money and why can't mom fund those things as well.

As the second family, we comfortably have retirement and college savings for our kids and Dad has in no way slowed down. And, as the spouse, I took care of Dad's mom, not Dad.

You sound bitter and angry and pretty miserable.

I kind of agree. We have our problems, but my retirement account is nicely funded and my kids' 529 plans are as well. Most people in a situation like mine have his/hers/and ours accounts and a prenup. DH's first round of kids do not affect me financially as much as this poster suggested. DH does overspend on his older kids but that's his choice. As long as he meets my needs as his spouse and those of his dependent children, I don't care what he does with the leftovers. But TG I have a prenup and my own career.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The real question is, does anyone know someone who married someone with kids who is actually, legitimately happy and better off than they would have been if they remained single and/or held out to marry someone with no kids? I don't.

It's really, really hard to know because people aren't honest about this stuff, even to themselves. And because they don't know what the future will hold. They might have been fine with it when the children were minors but then when the children need substantial support as adults they aren't fine with it, for example. They might be thinking their stepchildren will care for them in old age and then it doesn't turn out that way. Marrying with an age difference is all fun and games at first, the hard part is back-loaded and you're doing elder-care while the second batch of kids is still teens. People don't really know how they feel about their choices until they see how it plays out.

+1000. At least you can always divorce.

And you get naive second wives who are in the lull when the older kids are in college and in their mid-twenties so they're pretty low maintenance. Yay, we're doing so great with our second batch little kids, my husband's salt and pepper hair is so distinguished, everyone is willing to play happy family long enough to appease and take a few photos. So they'll say they're happy-- and they are! Anything bad can be blamed on the ex. Oh, the ex did such a bad job raising the older set of kids, nothing is DH's fault!

But after a while, it's not so easy. Dad slows down but the second batch of kids needs his time, energy, and money. Dad loves the kids but is kind of over parenting-- he never wanted this many kids in the first place. Big kids are having weddings and houses and grandkids and want their father's attention and maybe money too, new wife doesn't think any of this is a priority but of course she'd feel differently if it were her kids. Everyone, including the little kids, knows that the big kids politely DGAF about the second family. Little kids' college funds vs. retirement. Dad's parents get old, sick, high-maintenance. Dad gets slower and new wife can see he wants to retire, but he can't-- and when he does, she'll still be parenting and working. If it weren't for the big kids' expenses, which are already spent, she could retire early. But she can't, and by the time she can, dad will be old and way less fun. But she doesn't see this coming, so she's happy now!

If you don't share finances except for your own home, is it that big a deal?

Well, I guess if you have a lot of money it isn't a big deal. But if, for example, the new wife wants two more kids and the dad feels he can only afford one more kid, that could be a big deal. Or if the new wife wants to SAHM but can't because the dad doesn't earn enough after his child support obligations. Or there are fairness issues because the dad paid for college for the first kids before the little kids were even born and he can't afford the little kids' college. These issues aren't insurmountable but they can be difficult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not really understanding why adult kids get a say in whether a parent remarries after they've moved out of the house. If they are that selfish that they want their life to have no complications because of a step parent then I don't really think they deserve the time and money of a parent as an adult. They want their parent to live a life of celibacy alone? I don't get it.

Adult kids don't get a say. But they don't have to like the new person, especially if the new person brings problems into the family. And they don't have to visit. Nobody's saying to live a life of celibacy alone, but you should make a good choice, marry someone who is responsible and is a person who actually does want to be in a blended family. Not someone who secretly wishes the older kids didn't exist. Is that too much for an adult child to hope for-- someone who is okay with the fact of my existence?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The real question is, does anyone know someone who married someone with kids who is actually, legitimately happy and better off than they would have been if they remained single and/or held out to marry someone with no kids? I don't.

It's really, really hard to know because people aren't honest about this stuff, even to themselves. And because they don't know what the future will hold. They might have been fine with it when the children were minors but then when the children need substantial support as adults they aren't fine with it, for example. They might be thinking their stepchildren will care for them in old age and then it doesn't turn out that way. Marrying with an age difference is all fun and games at first, the hard part is back-loaded and you're doing elder-care while the second batch of kids is still teens. People don't really know how they feel about their choices until they see how it plays out.

+1000. At least you can always divorce.

And you get naive second wives who are in the lull when the older kids are in college and in their mid-twenties so they're pretty low maintenance. Yay, we're doing so great with our second batch little kids, my husband's salt and pepper hair is so distinguished, everyone is willing to play happy family long enough to appease and take a few photos. So they'll say they're happy-- and they are! Anything bad can be blamed on the ex. Oh, the ex did such a bad job raising the older set of kids, nothing is DH's fault!

But after a while, it's not so easy. Dad slows down but the second batch of kids needs his time, energy, and money. Dad loves the kids but is kind of over parenting-- he never wanted this many kids in the first place. Big kids are having weddings and houses and grandkids and want their father's attention and maybe money too, new wife doesn't think any of this is a priority but of course she'd feel differently if it were her kids. Everyone, including the little kids, knows that the big kids politely DGAF about the second family. Little kids' college funds vs. retirement. Dad's parents get old, sick, high-maintenance. Dad gets slower and new wife can see he wants to retire, but he can't-- and when he does, she'll still be parenting and working. If it weren't for the big kids' expenses, which are already spent, she could retire early. But she can't, and by the time she can, dad will be old and way less fun. But she doesn't see this coming, so she's happy now!

Wow, way over generalizing. Adults aren't entitled to their parents money and why can't mom fund those things as well.

As the second family, we comfortably have retirement and college savings for our kids and Dad has in no way slowed down. And, as the spouse, I took care of Dad's mom, not Dad.

You sound bitter and angry and pretty miserable.

I kind of agree. We have our problems, but my retirement account is nicely funded and my kids' 529 plans are as well. Most people in a situation like mine have his/hers/and ours accounts and a prenup. DH's first round of kids do not affect me financially as much as this poster suggested. DH does overspend on his older kids but that's his choice. As long as he meets my needs as his spouse and those of his dependent children, I don't care what he does with the leftovers. But TG I have a prenup and my own career.

Thought experiment: How would you feel if you had the same family but earned way less?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not really understanding why adult kids get a say in whether a parent remarries after they've moved out of the house. If they are that selfish that they want their life to have no complications because of a step parent then I don't really think they deserve the time and money of a parent as an adult. They want their parent to live a life of celibacy alone? I don't get it.

Adult kids don't get a say. But they don't have to like the new person, especially if the new person brings problems into the family. And they don't have to visit. Nobody's saying to live a life of celibacy alone, but you should make a good choice, marry someone who is responsible and is a person who actually does want to be in a blended family. Not someone who secretly wishes the older kids didn't exist. Is that too much for an adult child to hope for-- someone who is okay with the fact of my existence?

I think that is reasonable. Guess it depends on the health of the biological parent too.

[Anonymous]

I know a ton of military husbands and wives that have step kids and their lives absolutely would be worse off without. Single military life is very lonely and unforgiving.

[Anonymous]

I know someone who likes it. She is a high school teacher and loves kids, great with teenagers. She always wanted a big family. They're Catholic and she married a widower so there's no ex-wife, that probably helps. She's the kind of person where life revolves around family anyway, so it's totally fine how much time is spent on stuff for their kids/adult kids. The sight of her 9-year-old holding his baby nephew made her so happy. I don't know how the adult kids feel about it. But the people who are happy in this situation are people who LOVE kids and want a big family and are okay with life and time and energy and budget revolving around family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know a ton of military husbands and wives that have step kids and their lives absolutely would be worse off without. Single military life is very lonely and unforgiving.

Why?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The real question is, does anyone know someone who married someone with kids who is actually, legitimately happy and better off than they would have been if they remained single and/or held out to marry someone with no kids? I don't.

It's really, really hard to know because people aren't honest about this stuff, even to themselves. And because they don't know what the future will hold. They might have been fine with it when the children were minors but then when the children need substantial support as adults they aren't fine with it, for example. They might be thinking their stepchildren will care for them in old age and then it doesn't turn out that way. Marrying with an age difference is all fun and games at first, the hard part is back-loaded and you're doing elder-care while the second batch of kids is still teens. People don't really know how they feel about their choices until they see how it plays out.

+1000. At least you can always divorce.

And you get naive second wives who are in the lull when the older kids are in college and in their mid-twenties so they're pretty low maintenance. Yay, we're doing so great with our second batch little kids, my husband's salt and pepper hair is so distinguished, everyone is willing to play happy family long enough to appease and take a few photos. So they'll say they're happy-- and they are! Anything bad can be blamed on the ex. Oh, the ex did such a bad job raising the older set of kids, nothing is DH's fault!

But after a while, it's not so easy. Dad slows down but the second batch of kids needs his time, energy, and money. Dad loves the kids but is kind of over parenting-- he never wanted this many kids in the first place. Big kids are having weddings and houses and grandkids and want their father's attention and maybe money too, new wife doesn't think any of this is a priority but of course she'd feel differently if it were her kids. Everyone, including the little kids, knows that the big kids politely DGAF about the second family. Little kids' college funds vs. retirement. Dad's parents get old, sick, high-maintenance. Dad gets slower and new wife can see he wants to retire, but he can't-- and when he does, she'll still be parenting and working. If it weren't for the big kids' expenses, which are already spent, she could retire early. But she can't, and by the time she can, dad will be old and way less fun. But she doesn't see this coming, so she's happy now!

Wow, way over generalizing. Adults aren't entitled to their parents money and why can't mom fund those things as well.

As the second family, we comfortably have retirement and college savings for our kids and Dad has in no way slowed down. And, as the spouse, I took care of Dad's mom, not Dad.

You sound bitter and angry and pretty miserable.

I kind of agree. We have our problems, but my retirement account is nicely funded and my kids' 529 plans are as well. Most people in a situation like mine have his/hers/and ours accounts and a prenup. DH's first round of kids do not affect me financially as much as this poster suggested. DH does overspend on his older kids but that's his choice. As long as he meets my needs as his spouse and those of his dependent children, I don't care what he does with the leftovers. But TG I have a prenup and my own career.

Thought experiment: How would you feel if you had the same family but earned way less?

I’d be miserable. I make mid-six and DH makes low-seven figures and we still have blowups over money, 100% caused by his older kids. At least I know I can walk away at anytime and be fine.

[Anonymous]

I’m the second younger wife and DH’s sons are actually older than me although no one knows exactly what the age difference is 😀 I think I feel fine about it because DH has very good boundaries and doesn’t gift any money to anyone, not even me. I don’t have to work because DH is wealthy enough but we both decided that it would be better for me to have a professional identity. I work a hybrid telecommuting schedule and DH is retired and we spend a lot of time together. I will agree with the poster that says no one really cares for the second spouse…and for that reason, I am not emotionally invested in any of his children or grandchildren. I suppose they will be sucking up to me when I eventually become a widow and take over DH’s trust but I don’t think they’re thinking that far right now.

[Anonymous]

Well, don’t most divorced people have kids? And don’t most divorced people go on to remarry at least once? Not saying it is good idea, but nearly everyone that divorces goes on and remarried at some point

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, don’t most divorced people have kids? And don’t most divorced people go on to remarry at least once? Not saying it is good idea, but nearly everyone that divorces goes on and remarried at some point

Some people divorce before having kids, so the kids are of the second marriage and the prior divorce isn't really a part of their lives.

[Anonymous]

I am remarried to a man who had no kids before we met - mine were early elementary. It works because: we both were realistic about the logistical and emotional challenges it would entail, and because he grew up in a very family-oriented environment and always wanted kids. He’s their stepdad but he’s probably a better “parent” than either their dad or I am. I recognize that this is very, very unusual, and that we’re all extremely lucky.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m the second younger wife and DH’s sons are actually older than me although no one knows exactly what the age difference is 😀 I think I feel fine about it because DH has very good boundaries and doesn’t gift any money to anyone, not even me. I don’t have to work because DH is wealthy enough but we both decided that it would be better for me to have a professional identity. I work a hybrid telecommuting schedule and DH is retired and we spend a lot of time together. I will agree with the poster that says no one really cares for the second spouse…and for that reason, I am not emotionally invested in any of his children or grandchildren. I suppose they will be sucking up to me when I eventually become a widow and take over DH’s trust but I don’t think they’re thinking that far right now.

Wow with that age difference! However if you don't have kids of your own (ie your DH doesn't have 2 sets of kids) your situation is less complicated than most of the other blended families with a mix of step kids so I guess that situation works out in your favor too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am remarried to a man who had no kids before we met - mine were early elementary. It works because: we both were realistic about the logistical and emotional challenges it would entail, and because he grew up in a very family-oriented environment and always wanted kids. He’s their stepdad but he’s probably a better “parent” than either their dad or I am. I recognize that this is very, very unusual, and that we’re all extremely lucky.

+1. This is my same situation. DCUM says we don’t exist, because no man would ever marry a single mom. We are very happy and DH is an excellent step dad.