Marrying someone with kids

[Anonymous]

Anyone regret marrying someone with kids? What’s your story?

[Anonymous]

I would never

[Anonymous]

I would never. Having been the kid, and I genuinely like my stepmother, I still think it's just too complicated. Logistical misery forever.

[Anonymous]

I would advise that you see a pre marital counselor who specializes in blended families. You will get the skinny on what to expect.

I did it. On the one hand it was extremely depressing because it was very realistic. But on the other hand it is the only thing that helped me maintain my sanity when things were difficult, it was very validating.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

I did and it was fine when the kids were small. When the kids hit their teens, and he battled with them constantly, I hated every minute of it. I hated how he was as a father of teens (and now young adults). And sure enough, he's the same way with our now-teen son. It's really sad. I guess you can't predict how people will be as parents. But I felt like he was such a great dad to his young kids, that he'd always be a great dad.

Other than that, it's been relatively easy, logistically and otherwise. I did not have children when we married. That might have made it easier.

[Anonymous]

Don't ever marry someone with kids. Live with them if that works for you but never marry.

Kids are for life. No matter their age. And when things get tough for kids need help, the parent will often prioritize their kids over spouse. This can get especially tricky when adult kids need financial assistance for long periods and it impacts finances. That's why you shouldn't marry and keep all money separate.

[Anonymous]

I would never marry anyone with kids. I have kids. I don't expect anyone to marry me either.

I would not before and I will not now.

I have a friend who did and she is pretty happy and married 10+ years, but I would not have signed up for it. She did not want her own children so it is a way to have children kind of without having your own. They did not have their own kids. She is glad they are teens and almost out of the house (they have them about half the time). She is glad she did not have any of their own.

[Anonymous]

Wow, I guess I should never get divorced if it seems this dismal…

[Anonymous]

Only if you are super, super realistic about it.

1) People say "children are resilient" but sometimes they are, sometimes they aren't. And the cliche is not "children like their stepparents".

2) Parenting is forever. You get a lull when they go off to college and are in their 20s, if all goes well, but then it's weddings and babies and they'll want your partner to be the doting grandparent. Problems-- very real problems-- can crop up at any time and being a parent means being supportive even when it's a lot.

3) Don't kid yourself that everything's the ex's fault. It isn't. Don't be that naive new partner believing whatever they're told.

4) If you don't agree with your partner's parenting choices, break up. They aren't going to change for you. They probably aren't even capable of changing. And you should never agree to raise children with someone whose parenting you disagree with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, I guess I should never get divorced if it seems this dismal…

NEVER divorce assuming you will find someone to remarry. Only divorce if you would rather be alone forever than stay in that marriage. Remarriage was not even a consideration in my divorce. I divorced because it was a terrible relationship. I never expected I would remarry or someone would want to marry me with my kid baggage. To think otherwise is completely unrealistic.

[Anonymous]

Don't regret it as he is a great husband and dad but the ex was a nightmare until the youngest turned 18 and she finally left us alone. The issues were there before me where she'd refuse to let him see the kids and constantly demanding money.

[Anonymous]

I did. We also had our own child. No regrets for me.

But, most people I know who married someone with kids regretted it. Usually they had completely unrealistic expectations, like that the kids would be thrilled to be a blended family, or that they would automatically respect the step-parent. I went into it knowing that his kids would dislike me (they did), that they'd be upset over us having a baby (they were), and that I would have to be empathetic and build a relationship with them. That helped a ton, rather than trying to strong-arm them into accepting me and the new kids.

[Anonymous]

I'm married with a step son. I came into his life at 5 and he's now 12. We have a great relationship, he loves his half sibling and while the tween years have definitely started, I have never waivered in my love for him or my partner.

[Anonymous]

I was a single mother of one when I met my husband. We married and went on to have two kids together. He treats my son as if he is his own. Which means he disciplines him, attends all school functions when possible, encourages him, etc. The teenage years are fine but honestly, that’s thanks to raising a well rounded individual and we set the tone in our family as adults and parents. His father is also in his life and we all parent very well. Zero issues.

[Anonymous]

I have 2 cousins who did. They deeply regret it. Their spouses resort to " you don't love my child" when there is a parenting or financial disagreement concerning the step child. They'd never advise others to do it.