When to tell kids the truth about their father’s adultery as reason for divorce

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: People experience or hear about a parent telling their child in either an emotion dump or as a way to trash the other parent, and then seem to assume the problem is sharing the issue with the child. It’s not. Everything in a divorce should be done in the best interests of a child. Dumping emotional baggage or getting your child in the middle of a messy divorce is wrong, no matter the topic. Keeping relevant secrets from a child who is emotionally mature enough to handle the topic is wrong too.

Agree. I got the worst of all worlds, myself. My mom kept my dad's cheating a secret AND relentlessly trashed him to us as a way of dumping her emotional baggage and extreme rage. She was completely oblivious to the negative effects this had on us.

It would have been better for her to come clean instead of repressing it. She likely was resentful for carrying that burden and it messed with her mentally...hence the issues she dumped on you.

Honesty and therapy (for betrayed and kids)...and the dipsh*t cheater obviously should have been in therapy a long time ago.

DP.


Therapy would probably have helped.

But honesty alone would probably not have changed anything. It's very common for people to stay resentful even after opening up about affairs. This is why the children of these people are insisting that it's better not to share. Many people don't share in healthy ways. Perhaps therapy before sharing? Parhaps tell the children that it is very complicated, and you will get back to them when you have found an appropriate way to explain it all?

Many cheaters won't share in healthy ways why they left the marriage. I was the most doting wife and mother, taking care of literally everything in the household. My exH was telling our son that he left because "mom went crazy, she beat me, she lies etc". My son was left wondering what's going on.
Cheaters have no integrity and never exit the marriage honestly: they try to take advantage of innocent spouse financially, emotionally and physically (yes, he had sex with me once a week while being in a heated affair )

+100

I was watching 'The Staircase' last night and the defense was upset the defendent's history of affairs, visiting websites looking for sex would be admissible in court. They said it was irrelevant to be a murderer.

The judge ruled against them and said it the affairs and his secret life looking for sex definitely spoke to his character. The defense was terrified and let down that the man's history of sexually cheating on his wife would indicate that he wasn't who he seemed and that the image he projected was a cover.

People on this forum like to say cheating is a small thing, everyone cheats, blah blah blah and they get angry when anyone tells them it is poor character, lack of integrity and shows someone is a dishonest, liar.

Well- watching the last two shows about real life murders, they heavily took into account a person's cheating as a 'lack of character'.

My teenage son couldn't reconcile all the dots, went to dad's Ipad and found there what he was looking for. I had to explain after that yes, daddy was in hotels on our vacations with his mistress this is how daddy spent his time when on "urgent work calls"

God, how awful for your poor son.

Of course the secret-keeping cheater defenders here probably think you should have gaslit your son further and lied to him about the truth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mother and her aunt were sexually abused by a family member when they were young. When they started seeking therapy as adults and chose to name their abuser, I was shocked by how many people in the family were FURIOUS with them for airing dirty laundry, not thinking about how it would impact others, not just getting over it, etc.

Abusers and dysfunctional people are fine with continuing the cycle of shame, secret keeping, denial, and gaslighting. It’s what they know, it’s what they are comfortable with. People who were raised this way will continue is the cycle.

The kids can’t be protected from something that already occurred. The cheating already took place. Their lives have been massively altered. The damage already happened. Stop blaming the victim for putting a name to the event that caused the damage.

Lunacy. No wonder there are so many messed up adults. The mentality of treating children like adults and putting adult burdens on them is absolutely insane. These kids stand no chance to grow up and be healthy adults with your beliefs.

I suspect you would also be angry at family members who go public about being a victim of child abuse by family members, so I’m glad not to agree with you on this.

Because child abuse and cheating are the same thing.

Actually they are very similar. Many people cheat with people younger than them and the age difference between a 16 year old and 18 year old isn't that great. Overseas people can marry at age 12 and have sex by age 13 or 14.

How about this compromise: Tell you child in the presence of a licensed therapist so that they can guide you and preventing you from emotionally dumping on the child. When you go from "many people cheat with people younger than them" to "the age difference between a 16 year old and 18 year old isn't that great" to what happens overseas, I can see how you would jump from one story to another creating unnecessary chaos in the mind of your child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mother and her aunt were sexually abused by a family member when they were young. When they started seeking therapy as adults and chose to name their abuser, I was shocked by how many people in the family were FURIOUS with them for airing dirty laundry, not thinking about how it would impact others, not just getting over it, etc.

Abusers and dysfunctional people are fine with continuing the cycle of shame, secret keeping, denial, and gaslighting. It’s what they know, it’s what they are comfortable with. People who were raised this way will continue is the cycle.

The kids can’t be protected from something that already occurred. The cheating already took place. Their lives have been massively altered. The damage already happened. Stop blaming the victim for putting a name to the event that caused the damage.

Lunacy. No wonder there are so many messed up adults. The mentality of treating children like adults and putting adult burdens on them is absolutely insane. These kids stand no chance to grow up and be healthy adults with your beliefs.

I suspect you would also be angry at family members who go public about being a victim of child abuse by family members, so I’m glad not to agree with you on this.

Because child abuse and cheating are the same thing.

On the side of the family secret keepers, I see. Yeah, that’s not a side I want to be on, thanks. I am not protecting the secrets of abusers.

Oh please. Focus on your child. That's whose side you should be on.

Of course. That means honesty and not hiding the secrets of abusers. I don’t tolerate not being honest about abusive family members. Obviously you do but we are different that way.

You are hiding your urge to punish your ex and turn your kids against him behind a fig leaf of "honesty and not hiding the secrets of abusers". Would it help you to know that when your kids grow up they will understand your true motives and they won't be impressed with you?

[Anonymous]

Never. Is it to make the child feel bad, hate the dad or hate the stepmom? The child always loses. Deal with it and move on with living, no need to drag your child down with you,

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mother and her aunt were sexually abused by a family member when they were young. When they started seeking therapy as adults and chose to name their abuser, I was shocked by how many people in the family were FURIOUS with them for airing dirty laundry, not thinking about how it would impact others, not just getting over it, etc.

Abusers and dysfunctional people are fine with continuing the cycle of shame, secret keeping, denial, and gaslighting. It’s what they know, it’s what they are comfortable with. People who were raised this way will continue is the cycle.

The kids can’t be protected from something that already occurred. The cheating already took place. Their lives have been massively altered. The damage already happened. Stop blaming the victim for putting a name to the event that caused the damage.

Lunacy. No wonder there are so many messed up adults. The mentality of treating children like adults and putting adult burdens on them is absolutely insane. These kids stand no chance to grow up and be healthy adults with your beliefs.

I suspect you would also be angry at family members who go public about being a victim of child abuse by family members, so I’m glad not to agree with you on this.

Because child abuse and cheating are the same thing.

Actually they are very similar. Many people cheat with people younger than them and the age difference between a 16 year old and 18 year old isn't that great. Overseas people can marry at age 12 and have sex by age 13 or 14.

How about this compromise: Tell you child in the presence of a licensed therapist so that they can guide you and preventing you from emotionally dumping on the child. When you go from "many people cheat with people younger than them" to "the age difference between a 16 year old and 18 year old isn't that great" to what happens overseas, I can see how you would jump from one story to another creating unnecessary chaos in the mind of your child.

And I can see how your need to tell everyone what to do verses just giving your own opinion on what you might do or what you did yourself makes you a narcissist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mother and her aunt were sexually abused by a family member when they were young. When they started seeking therapy as adults and chose to name their abuser, I was shocked by how many people in the family were FURIOUS with them for airing dirty laundry, not thinking about how it would impact others, not just getting over it, etc.

Abusers and dysfunctional people are fine with continuing the cycle of shame, secret keeping, denial, and gaslighting. It’s what they know, it’s what they are comfortable with. People who were raised this way will continue is the cycle.

The kids can’t be protected from something that already occurred. The cheating already took place. Their lives have been massively altered. The damage already happened. Stop blaming the victim for putting a name to the event that caused the damage.

Lunacy. No wonder there are so many messed up adults. The mentality of treating children like adults and putting adult burdens on them is absolutely insane. These kids stand no chance to grow up and be healthy adults with your beliefs.

OMFG with the victim blaming! Cheating is ALWAYS aired in the end. The kids always figure it out one way or another.

There’s no victim blaming in the post, it’s speaking to the abstract. That you apply the scenario to your behavior is pretty telling. Clearly you have inappropriately burdened your kids, there’s no other reason for the ratcheting hysterics. Get help - your posts are filled with rage and pretty scary at this point.

My "posts" (plural)? Uh, no. And I haven't been cheated on, but I've seen it ruin marriages around me and the kids universally knew. In one case, it was the talk of the town.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mother and her aunt were sexually abused by a family member when they were young. When they started seeking therapy as adults and chose to name their abuser, I was shocked by how many people in the family were FURIOUS with them for airing dirty laundry, not thinking about how it would impact others, not just getting over it, etc.

Abusers and dysfunctional people are fine with continuing the cycle of shame, secret keeping, denial, and gaslighting. It’s what they know, it’s what they are comfortable with. People who were raised this way will continue is the cycle.

The kids can’t be protected from something that already occurred. The cheating already took place. Their lives have been massively altered. The damage already happened. Stop blaming the victim for putting a name to the event that caused the damage.

Lunacy. No wonder there are so many messed up adults. The mentality of treating children like adults and putting adult burdens on them is absolutely insane. These kids stand no chance to grow up and be healthy adults with your beliefs.

I suspect you would also be angry at family members who go public about being a victim of child abuse by family members, so I’m glad not to agree with you on this.

Because child abuse and cheating are the same thing.

Actually they are very similar. Many people cheat with people younger than them and the age difference between a 16 year old and 18 year old isn't that great. Overseas people can marry at age 12 and have sex by age 13 or 14.

How about this compromise: Tell you child in the presence of a licensed therapist so that they can guide you and preventing you from emotionally dumping on the child. When you go from "many people cheat with people younger than them" to "the age difference between a 16 year old and 18 year old isn't that great" to what happens overseas, I can see how you would jump from one story to another creating unnecessary chaos in the mind of your child.

And I can see how your need to tell everyone what to do verses just giving your own opinion on what you might do or what you did yourself makes you a narcissist.

I'd rather be called a narcissist for that reason than claim that child abuse is "very similar" to cheating.

[Anonymous]

I do think there should be laws that equate proven continuous adultery as moral abuse. Cheaters do this to take advantage of their spouse, often a financial advantage or to sting along spouse for convenient sex, home and child care. This often comes at expense of spouse loosing career etc.

For example, if there was a law that allowed the wife to sue a mistress who willingly came along announced to wife, and stayed in a hotel across your family gateway hotel for moral damage that it cause your children, then fewer ladies would be willing to do such outrageous things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mother and her aunt were sexually abused by a family member when they were young. When they started seeking therapy as adults and chose to name their abuser, I was shocked by how many people in the family were FURIOUS with them for airing dirty laundry, not thinking about how it would impact others, not just getting over it, etc.

Abusers and dysfunctional people are fine with continuing the cycle of shame, secret keeping, denial, and gaslighting. It’s what they know, it’s what they are comfortable with. People who were raised this way will continue is the cycle.

The kids can’t be protected from something that already occurred. The cheating already took place. Their lives have been massively altered. The damage already happened. Stop blaming the victim for putting a name to the event that caused the damage.

Lunacy. No wonder there are so many messed up adults. The mentality of treating children like adults and putting adult burdens on them is absolutely insane. These kids stand no chance to grow up and be healthy adults with your beliefs.

I suspect you would also be angry at family members who go public about being a victim of child abuse by family members, so I’m glad not to agree with you on this.

Because child abuse and cheating are the same thing.

Actually they are very similar. Many people cheat with people younger than them and the age difference between a 16 year old and 18 year old isn't that great. Overseas people can marry at age 12 and have sex by age 13 or 14.

How about this compromise: Tell you child in the presence of a licensed therapist so that they can guide you and preventing you from emotionally dumping on the child. When you go from "many people cheat with people younger than them" to "the age difference between a 16 year old and 18 year old isn't that great" to what happens overseas, I can see how you would jump from one story to another creating unnecessary chaos in the mind of your child.

And I can see how your need to tell everyone what to do verses just giving your own opinion on what you might do or what you did yourself makes you a narcissist.

I'd rather be called a narcissist for that reason than claim that child abuse is "very similar" to cheating.

Well than narcissist it is for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do think there should be laws that equate proven continuous adultery as moral abuse. Cheaters do this to take advantage of their spouse, often a financial advantage or to sting along spouse for convenient sex, home and child care. This often comes at expense of spouse loosing career etc.

For example, if there was a law that allowed the wife to sue a mistress who willingly came along announced to wife, and stayed in a hotel across your family gateway hotel for moral damage that it cause your children, then fewer ladies would be willing to do such outrageous things.

There is such a law in Thailand.

I think any such law should punish the husband/ spouse for moral damage, not the other woman/man. The spouse has the legal contract and moral obligation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: People experience or hear about a parent telling their child in either an emotion dump or as a way to trash the other parent, and then seem to assume the problem is sharing the issue with the child. It’s not. Everything in a divorce should be done in the best interests of a child. Dumping emotional baggage or getting your child in the middle of a messy divorce is wrong, no matter the topic. Keeping relevant secrets from a child who is emotionally mature enough to handle the topic is wrong too.

Agree. I got the worst of all worlds, myself. My mom kept my dad's cheating a secret AND relentlessly trashed him to us as a way of dumping her emotional baggage and extreme rage. She was completely oblivious to the negative effects this had on us.

It would have been better for her to come clean instead of repressing it. She likely was resentful for carrying that burden and it messed with her mentally...hence the issues she dumped on you.

Honesty and therapy (for betrayed and kids)...and the dipsh*t cheater obviously should have been in therapy a long time ago.

DP.


Therapy would probably have helped.

But honesty alone would probably not have changed anything. It's very common for people to stay resentful even after opening up about affairs. This is why the children of these people are insisting that it's better not to share. Many people don't share in healthy ways. Perhaps therapy before sharing? Parhaps tell the children that it is very complicated, and you will get back to them when you have found an appropriate way to explain it all?

Many cheaters won't share in healthy ways why they left the marriage. I was the most doting wife and mother, taking care of literally everything in the household. My exH was telling our son that he left because "mom went crazy, she beat me, she lies etc". My son was left wondering what's going on.
Cheaters have no integrity and never exit the marriage honestly: they try to take advantage of innocent spouse financially, emotionally and physically (yes, he had sex with me once a week while being in a heated affair )

+100

I was watching 'The Staircase' last night and the defense was upset the defendent's history of affairs, visiting websites looking for sex would be admissible in court. They said it was irrelevant to be a murderer.

The judge ruled against them and said it the affairs and his secret life looking for sex definitely spoke to his character. The defense was terrified and let down that the man's history of sexually cheating on his wife would indicate that he wasn't who he seemed and that the image he projected was a cover.

People on this forum like to say cheating is a small thing, everyone cheats, blah blah blah and they get angry when anyone tells them it is poor character, lack of integrity and shows someone is a dishonest, liar.

Well- watching the last two shows about real life murders, they heavily took into account a person's cheating as a 'lack of character'.

If a person is known to be cheater, it's always brought up in court cases to demonstrate weakness, dishonesty and lack of character.

Is that your professional opinion as an attorney, or as a Perry Mason viewer?

It’s my personal opinion. Apparently, you think leading a secret life, lying, gaslighting and exposing your spouse to disease is honorable and speaks to good character, no?

No, but my divorce lawyer said that infidelity was irrelevant to the judge.

That's going to start changing as neuroscience backs up that it's a mental deficit and now that both women and men do it quite often. Roe v Wade going away won't help things either.

If it's a fault state, infidelity definite helps or hinders the financial settlement. Cheater can be denied alimony.

[Anonymous]

Good God, let it go. Move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do think there should be laws that equate proven continuous adultery as moral abuse. Cheaters do this to take advantage of their spouse, often a financial advantage or to sting along spouse for convenient sex, home and child care. This often comes at expense of spouse loosing career etc.

For example, if there was a law that allowed the wife to sue a mistress who willingly came along announced to wife, and stayed in a hotel across your family gateway hotel for moral damage that it cause your children, then fewer ladies would be willing to do such outrageous things.

In some states (I think only 7 states currently allow for this) you can sue the mistress/OM/OW in an 'alienation of affection' lawsuit. As early as the summer of 2018, a man sued another man for a similar issue and was ordered to pay $8.8 million. In 2011, a woman was forced to pay another woman, who was married, $30 million dollars for reportedly breaking up the marriage.

A law firm in North Carolina, McIlveen Family Law Firm, has an entire page dedicated to reminding potential, or current, clients about this option. Titled “Calling all homewreckers,” the page describes how a “homewrecker” doesn’t have to be a lover. In fact, it can be a meddling in-law or therapist, to name a couple of examples.

The alienation of affection lawsuit allows you to sue the 3rd party (Affair Partner) for loss of affection that your spouse provided you through marriage. Most states still allow for these types of lawsuits to be filed against 3rd party lovers. They can also be filed against anyone who interfered with your marriage including parents, therapists, in-laws and clergy members who may have encouraged your spouse to file a divorce.

It's all dependent on the state. Some states see as many as 200 alienation of affection lawsuits filed by wronged spouses each year. However, some states don’t allow you to file an alienation of affection lawsuit against a third party. You will be limited to only filing for separation or divorce.

If you can show that your spouse had an extra-marital affair, you can use this as grounds for divorce or separation. Evidence of adultery can have significant impact in some courts in certain states when it comes to division of property and awarding alimony.

[Anonymous]

Cheating is not abuse. Cheating can happen CONCURRENTLY with forms of abuse (like gaslighting/emotional abuse/financial secrecy) but it can also happen without any of that.

If a spouse is abusive, that should not be kept secret and the child should be put in therapy for any abuse they experience and if they are a danger to the child that should be addressed in the child custody arrangements.

But if all the spouse did was cheat, then yes you are literally insane to equate it to child abuse. Insane. And you responding with a long anecdote about how really it is because your ex cheated by handcuffing you to a chair in the corner and making you watch them bed multiple women who were wearing your underwear won't change my mind, I'll just say that in ADDITION to being cheated on, you were physically assaulted and emotionally abused.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mother and her aunt were sexually abused by a family member when they were young. When they started seeking therapy as adults and chose to name their abuser, I was shocked by how many people in the family were FURIOUS with them for airing dirty laundry, not thinking about how it would impact others, not just getting over it, etc.

Abusers and dysfunctional people are fine with continuing the cycle of shame, secret keeping, denial, and gaslighting. It’s what they know, it’s what they are comfortable with. People who were raised this way will continue is the cycle.

The kids can’t be protected from something that already occurred. The cheating already took place. Their lives have been massively altered. The damage already happened. Stop blaming the victim for putting a name to the event that caused the damage.

Lunacy. No wonder there are so many messed up adults. The mentality of treating children like adults and putting adult burdens on them is absolutely insane. These kids stand no chance to grow up and be healthy adults with your beliefs.

I suspect you would also be angry at family members who go public about being a victim of child abuse by family members, so I’m glad not to agree with you on this.

Because child abuse and cheating are the same thing.

Actually they are very similar. Many people cheat with people younger than them and the age difference between a 16 year old and 18 year old isn't that great. Overseas people can marry at age 12 and have sex by age 13 or 14.

How about this compromise: Tell you child in the presence of a licensed therapist so that they can guide you and preventing you from emotionally dumping on the child. When you go from "many people cheat with people younger than them" to "the age difference between a 16 year old and 18 year old isn't that great" to what happens overseas, I can see how you would jump from one story to another creating unnecessary chaos in the mind of your child.

That PP is clearly suffering from a mental health crisis. They cannot stick with the discussion and keep wanting to introduce inflammatory situations that are completely irrelevant. They said they were done with the thread last night, but clearly they can’t stop. It’s best not to engage them at this point.