When to tell kids the truth about their father’s adultery as reason for divorce

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mother and her aunt were sexually abused by a family member when they were young. When they started seeking therapy as adults and chose to name their abuser, I was shocked by how many people in the family were FURIOUS with them for airing dirty laundry, not thinking about how it would impact others, not just getting over it, etc.

Abusers and dysfunctional people are fine with continuing the cycle of shame, secret keeping, denial, and gaslighting. It’s what they know, it’s what they are comfortable with. People who were raised this way will continue is the cycle.

The kids can’t be protected from something that already occurred. The cheating already took place. Their lives have been massively altered. The damage already happened. Stop blaming the victim for putting a name to the event that caused the damage.

Lunacy. No wonder there are so many messed up adults. The mentality of treating children like adults and putting adult burdens on them is absolutely insane. These kids stand no chance to grow up and be healthy adults with your beliefs.

I suspect you would also be angry at family members who go public about being a victim of child abuse by family members, so I’m glad not to agree with you on this.

Nope. But nice try again with your wild assumptions and ridiculous comparisons.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: People experience or hear about a parent telling their child in either an emotion dump or as a way to trash the other parent, and then seem to assume the problem is sharing the issue with the child. It’s not. Everything in a divorce should be done in the best interests of a child. Dumping emotional baggage or getting your child in the middle of a messy divorce is wrong, no matter the topic. Keeping relevant secrets from a child who is emotionally mature enough to handle the topic is wrong too.

Agree. I got the worst of all worlds, myself. My mom kept my dad's cheating a secret AND relentlessly trashed him to us as a way of dumping her emotional baggage and extreme rage. She was completely oblivious to the negative effects this had on us.

It would have been better for her to come clean instead of repressing it. She likely was resentful for carrying that burden and it messed with her mentally...hence the issues she dumped on you.

Honesty and therapy (for betrayed and kids)...and the dipsh*t cheater obviously should have been in therapy a long time ago.

DP.


Therapy would probably have helped.

But honesty alone would probably not have changed anything. It's very common for people to stay resentful even after opening up about affairs. This is why the children of these people are insisting that it's better not to share. Many people don't share in healthy ways. Perhaps therapy before sharing? Parhaps tell the children that it is very complicated, and you will get back to them when you have found an appropriate way to explain it all?

Many cheaters won't share in healthy ways why they left the marriage. I was the most doting wife and mother, taking care of literally everything in the household. My exH was telling our son that he left because "mom went crazy, she beat me, she lies etc". My son was left wondering what's going on.
Cheaters have no integrity and never exit the marriage honestly: they try to take advantage of innocent spouse financially, emotionally and physically (yes, he had sex with me once a week while being in a heated affair )

+100

I was watching 'The Staircase' last night and the defense was upset the defendent's history of affairs, visiting websites looking for sex would be admissible in court. They said it was irrelevant to be a murderer.

The judge ruled against them and said it the affairs and his secret life looking for sex definitely spoke to his character. The defense was terrified and let down that the man's history of sexually cheating on his wife would indicate that he wasn't who he seemed and that the image he projected was a cover.

People on this forum like to say cheating is a small thing, everyone cheats, blah blah blah and they get angry when anyone tells them it is poor character, lack of integrity and shows someone is a dishonest, liar.

Well- watching the last two shows about real life murders, they heavily took into account a person's cheating as a 'lack of character'.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: People experience or hear about a parent telling their child in either an emotion dump or as a way to trash the other parent, and then seem to assume the problem is sharing the issue with the child. It’s not. Everything in a divorce should be done in the best interests of a child. Dumping emotional baggage or getting your child in the middle of a messy divorce is wrong, no matter the topic. Keeping relevant secrets from a child who is emotionally mature enough to handle the topic is wrong too.

Agree. I got the worst of all worlds, myself. My mom kept my dad's cheating a secret AND relentlessly trashed him to us as a way of dumping her emotional baggage and extreme rage. She was completely oblivious to the negative effects this had on us.

It would have been better for her to come clean instead of repressing it. She likely was resentful for carrying that burden and it messed with her mentally...hence the issues she dumped on you.

Honesty and therapy (for betrayed and kids)...and the dipsh*t cheater obviously should have been in therapy a long time ago.

DP.


Therapy would probably have helped.

But honesty alone would probably not have changed anything. It's very common for people to stay resentful even after opening up about affairs. This is why the children of these people are insisting that it's better not to share. Many people don't share in healthy ways. Perhaps therapy before sharing? Parhaps tell the children that it is very complicated, and you will get back to them when you have found an appropriate way to explain it all?

Many cheaters won't share in healthy ways why they left the marriage. I was the most doting wife and mother, taking care of literally everything in the household. My exH was telling our son that he left because "mom went crazy, she beat me, she lies etc". My son was left wondering what's going on.
Cheaters have no integrity and never exit the marriage honestly: they try to take advantage of innocent spouse financially, emotionally and physically (yes, he had sex with me once a week while being in a heated affair )

+100

I was watching 'The Staircase' last night and the defense was upset the defendent's history of affairs, visiting websites looking for sex would be admissible in court. They said it was irrelevant to be a murderer.

The judge ruled against them and said it the affairs and his secret life looking for sex definitely spoke to his character. The defense was terrified and let down that the man's history of sexually cheating on his wife would indicate that he wasn't who he seemed and that the image he projected was a cover.

People on this forum like to say cheating is a small thing, everyone cheats, blah blah blah and they get angry when anyone tells them it is poor character, lack of integrity and shows someone is a dishonest, liar.

Well- watching the last two shows about real life murders, they heavily took into account a person's cheating as a 'lack of character'.

If a person is known to be cheater, it's always brought up in court cases to demonstrate weakness, dishonesty and lack of character.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: People experience or hear about a parent telling their child in either an emotion dump or as a way to trash the other parent, and then seem to assume the problem is sharing the issue with the child. It’s not. Everything in a divorce should be done in the best interests of a child. Dumping emotional baggage or getting your child in the middle of a messy divorce is wrong, no matter the topic. Keeping relevant secrets from a child who is emotionally mature enough to handle the topic is wrong too.

Agree. I got the worst of all worlds, myself. My mom kept my dad's cheating a secret AND relentlessly trashed him to us as a way of dumping her emotional baggage and extreme rage. She was completely oblivious to the negative effects this had on us.

It would have been better for her to come clean instead of repressing it. She likely was resentful for carrying that burden and it messed with her mentally...hence the issues she dumped on you.

Honesty and therapy (for betrayed and kids)...and the dipsh*t cheater obviously should have been in therapy a long time ago.

DP.


Therapy would probably have helped.

But honesty alone would probably not have changed anything. It's very common for people to stay resentful even after opening up about affairs. This is why the children of these people are insisting that it's better not to share. Many people don't share in healthy ways. Perhaps therapy before sharing? Parhaps tell the children that it is very complicated, and you will get back to them when you have found an appropriate way to explain it all?

Many cheaters won't share in healthy ways why they left the marriage. I was the most doting wife and mother, taking care of literally everything in the household. My exH was telling our son that he left because "mom went crazy, she beat me, she lies etc". My son was left wondering what's going on.
Cheaters have no integrity and never exit the marriage honestly: they try to take advantage of innocent spouse financially, emotionally and physically (yes, he had sex with me once a week while being in a heated affair )

+100

I was watching 'The Staircase' last night and the defense was upset the defendent's history of affairs, visiting websites looking for sex would be admissible in court. They said it was irrelevant to be a murderer.

The judge ruled against them and said it the affairs and his secret life looking for sex definitely spoke to his character. The defense was terrified and let down that the man's history of sexually cheating on his wife would indicate that he wasn't who he seemed and that the image he projected was a cover.

People on this forum like to say cheating is a small thing, everyone cheats, blah blah blah and they get angry when anyone tells them it is poor character, lack of integrity and shows someone is a dishonest, liar.

Well- watching the last two shows about real life murders, they heavily took into account a person's cheating as a 'lack of character'.

If a person is known to be cheater, it's always brought up in court cases to demonstrate weakness, dishonesty and lack of character.

Is that your professional opinion as an attorney, or as a Perry Mason viewer?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: People experience or hear about a parent telling their child in either an emotion dump or as a way to trash the other parent, and then seem to assume the problem is sharing the issue with the child. It’s not. Everything in a divorce should be done in the best interests of a child. Dumping emotional baggage or getting your child in the middle of a messy divorce is wrong, no matter the topic. Keeping relevant secrets from a child who is emotionally mature enough to handle the topic is wrong too.

Agree. I got the worst of all worlds, myself. My mom kept my dad's cheating a secret AND relentlessly trashed him to us as a way of dumping her emotional baggage and extreme rage. She was completely oblivious to the negative effects this had on us.

It would have been better for her to come clean instead of repressing it. She likely was resentful for carrying that burden and it messed with her mentally...hence the issues she dumped on you.

Honesty and therapy (for betrayed and kids)...and the dipsh*t cheater obviously should have been in therapy a long time ago.

DP.


Therapy would probably have helped.

But honesty alone would probably not have changed anything. It's very common for people to stay resentful even after opening up about affairs. This is why the children of these people are insisting that it's better not to share. Many people don't share in healthy ways. Perhaps therapy before sharing? Parhaps tell the children that it is very complicated, and you will get back to them when you have found an appropriate way to explain it all?

Many cheaters won't share in healthy ways why they left the marriage. I was the most doting wife and mother, taking care of literally everything in the household. My exH was telling our son that he left because "mom went crazy, she beat me, she lies etc". My son was left wondering what's going on.
Cheaters have no integrity and never exit the marriage honestly: they try to take advantage of innocent spouse financially, emotionally and physically (yes, he had sex with me once a week while being in a heated affair )

+100

I was watching 'The Staircase' last night and the defense was upset the defendent's history of affairs, visiting websites looking for sex would be admissible in court. They said it was irrelevant to be a murderer.

The judge ruled against them and said it the affairs and his secret life looking for sex definitely spoke to his character. The defense was terrified and let down that the man's history of sexually cheating on his wife would indicate that he wasn't who he seemed and that the image he projected was a cover.

People on this forum like to say cheating is a small thing, everyone cheats, blah blah blah and they get angry when anyone tells them it is poor character, lack of integrity and shows someone is a dishonest, liar.

Well- watching the last two shows about real life murders, they heavily took into account a person's cheating as a 'lack of character'.

My teenage son couldn't reconcile all the dots, went to dad's Ipad and found there what he was looking for. I had to explain after that yes, daddy was in hotels on our vacations with his mistress this is how daddy spent his time when on "urgent work calls"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: People experience or hear about a parent telling their child in either an emotion dump or as a way to trash the other parent, and then seem to assume the problem is sharing the issue with the child. It’s not. Everything in a divorce should be done in the best interests of a child. Dumping emotional baggage or getting your child in the middle of a messy divorce is wrong, no matter the topic. Keeping relevant secrets from a child who is emotionally mature enough to handle the topic is wrong too.

Agree. I got the worst of all worlds, myself. My mom kept my dad's cheating a secret AND relentlessly trashed him to us as a way of dumping her emotional baggage and extreme rage. She was completely oblivious to the negative effects this had on us.

It would have been better for her to come clean instead of repressing it. She likely was resentful for carrying that burden and it messed with her mentally...hence the issues she dumped on you.

Honesty and therapy (for betrayed and kids)...and the dipsh*t cheater obviously should have been in therapy a long time ago.

DP.


Therapy would probably have helped.

But honesty alone would probably not have changed anything. It's very common for people to stay resentful even after opening up about affairs. This is why the children of these people are insisting that it's better not to share. Many people don't share in healthy ways. Perhaps therapy before sharing? Parhaps tell the children that it is very complicated, and you will get back to them when you have found an appropriate way to explain it all?

Many cheaters won't share in healthy ways why they left the marriage. I was the most doting wife and mother, taking care of literally everything in the household. My exH was telling our son that he left because "mom went crazy, she beat me, she lies etc". My son was left wondering what's going on.
Cheaters have no integrity and never exit the marriage honestly: they try to take advantage of innocent spouse financially, emotionally and physically (yes, he had sex with me once a week while being in a heated affair )

+100

I was watching 'The Staircase' last night and the defense was upset the defendent's history of affairs, visiting websites looking for sex would be admissible in court. They said it was irrelevant to be a murderer.

The judge ruled against them and said it the affairs and his secret life looking for sex definitely spoke to his character. The defense was terrified and let down that the man's history of sexually cheating on his wife would indicate that he wasn't who he seemed and that the image he projected was a cover.

People on this forum like to say cheating is a small thing, everyone cheats, blah blah blah and they get angry when anyone tells them it is poor character, lack of integrity and shows someone is a dishonest, liar.

Well- watching the last two shows about real life murders, they heavily took into account a person's cheating as a 'lack of character'.

If a person is known to be cheater, it's always brought up in court cases to demonstrate weakness, dishonesty and lack of character.

Is that your professional opinion as an attorney, or as a Perry Mason viewer?

It’s my personal opinion. Apparently, you think leading a secret life, lying, gaslighting and exposing your spouse to disease is honorable and speaks to good character, no?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: People experience or hear about a parent telling their child in either an emotion dump or as a way to trash the other parent, and then seem to assume the problem is sharing the issue with the child. It’s not. Everything in a divorce should be done in the best interests of a child. Dumping emotional baggage or getting your child in the middle of a messy divorce is wrong, no matter the topic. Keeping relevant secrets from a child who is emotionally mature enough to handle the topic is wrong too.

Agree. I got the worst of all worlds, myself. My mom kept my dad's cheating a secret AND relentlessly trashed him to us as a way of dumping her emotional baggage and extreme rage. She was completely oblivious to the negative effects this had on us.

It would have been better for her to come clean instead of repressing it. She likely was resentful for carrying that burden and it messed with her mentally...hence the issues she dumped on you.

Honesty and therapy (for betrayed and kids)...and the dipsh*t cheater obviously should have been in therapy a long time ago.

DP.


Therapy would probably have helped.

But honesty alone would probably not have changed anything. It's very common for people to stay resentful even after opening up about affairs. This is why the children of these people are insisting that it's better not to share. Many people don't share in healthy ways. Perhaps therapy before sharing? Parhaps tell the children that it is very complicated, and you will get back to them when you have found an appropriate way to explain it all?

Many cheaters won't share in healthy ways why they left the marriage. I was the most doting wife and mother, taking care of literally everything in the household. My exH was telling our son that he left because "mom went crazy, she beat me, she lies etc". My son was left wondering what's going on.
Cheaters have no integrity and never exit the marriage honestly: they try to take advantage of innocent spouse financially, emotionally and physically (yes, he had sex with me once a week while being in a heated affair )

+100

I was watching 'The Staircase' last night and the defense was upset the defendent's history of affairs, visiting websites looking for sex would be admissible in court. They said it was irrelevant to be a murderer.

The judge ruled against them and said it the affairs and his secret life looking for sex definitely spoke to his character. The defense was terrified and let down that the man's history of sexually cheating on his wife would indicate that he wasn't who he seemed and that the image he projected was a cover.

People on this forum like to say cheating is a small thing, everyone cheats, blah blah blah and they get angry when anyone tells them it is poor character, lack of integrity and shows someone is a dishonest, liar.

Well- watching the last two shows about real life murders, they heavily took into account a person's cheating as a 'lack of character'.

If a person is known to be cheater, it's always brought up in court cases to demonstrate weakness, dishonesty and lack of character.

Is that your professional opinion as an attorney, or as a Perry Mason viewer?

It’s my personal opinion. Apparently, you think leading a secret life, lying, gaslighting and exposing your spouse to disease is honorable and speaks to good character, no?

No, but my divorce lawyer said that infidelity was irrelevant to the judge.

[Anonymous]

I was told at age 5 by a very spiteful mother who was scorned and wanted us to hate our father as much as she did.

Don’t do that. Do not put your kids in the middle. They don’t need to know any details of relationship. If they are older and specifically ask, then maybe tell them. But I still think I would be the bigger person and tell them the divorce details are private and you don’t wish to burden them with knowing the details.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: People experience or hear about a parent telling their child in either an emotion dump or as a way to trash the other parent, and then seem to assume the problem is sharing the issue with the child. It’s not. Everything in a divorce should be done in the best interests of a child. Dumping emotional baggage or getting your child in the middle of a messy divorce is wrong, no matter the topic. Keeping relevant secrets from a child who is emotionally mature enough to handle the topic is wrong too.

Agree. I got the worst of all worlds, myself. My mom kept my dad's cheating a secret AND relentlessly trashed him to us as a way of dumping her emotional baggage and extreme rage. She was completely oblivious to the negative effects this had on us.

It would have been better for her to come clean instead of repressing it. She likely was resentful for carrying that burden and it messed with her mentally...hence the issues she dumped on you.

Honesty and therapy (for betrayed and kids)...and the dipsh*t cheater obviously should have been in therapy a long time ago.

DP.


Therapy would probably have helped.

But honesty alone would probably not have changed anything. It's very common for people to stay resentful even after opening up about affairs. This is why the children of these people are insisting that it's better not to share. Many people don't share in healthy ways. Perhaps therapy before sharing? Parhaps tell the children that it is very complicated, and you will get back to them when you have found an appropriate way to explain it all?

Many cheaters won't share in healthy ways why they left the marriage. I was the most doting wife and mother, taking care of literally everything in the household. My exH was telling our son that he left because "mom went crazy, she beat me, she lies etc". My son was left wondering what's going on.
Cheaters have no integrity and never exit the marriage honestly: they try to take advantage of innocent spouse financially, emotionally and physically (yes, he had sex with me once a week while being in a heated affair )

+100

I was watching 'The Staircase' last night and the defense was upset the defendent's history of affairs, visiting websites looking for sex would be admissible in court. They said it was irrelevant to be a murderer.

The judge ruled against them and said it the affairs and his secret life looking for sex definitely spoke to his character. The defense was terrified and let down that the man's history of sexually cheating on his wife would indicate that he wasn't who he seemed and that the image he projected was a cover.

People on this forum like to say cheating is a small thing, everyone cheats, blah blah blah and they get angry when anyone tells them it is poor character, lack of integrity and shows someone is a dishonest, liar.

Well- watching the last two shows about real life murders, they heavily took into account a person's cheating as a 'lack of character'.

My teenage son couldn't reconcile all the dots, went to dad's Ipad and found there what he was looking for. I had to explain after that yes, daddy was in hotels on our vacations with his mistress this is how daddy spent his time when on "urgent work calls"

Omg. Your poor son. So sorry to you as well. And, btw, I think she is pretty awful as well to do come on your family vacation WITH kids there (albeit in secret). Just truly awful people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mother and her aunt were sexually abused by a family member when they were young. When they started seeking therapy as adults and chose to name their abuser, I was shocked by how many people in the family were FURIOUS with them for airing dirty laundry, not thinking about how it would impact others, not just getting over it, etc.

Abusers and dysfunctional people are fine with continuing the cycle of shame, secret keeping, denial, and gaslighting. It’s what they know, it’s what they are comfortable with. People who were raised this way will continue is the cycle.

The kids can’t be protected from something that already occurred. The cheating already took place. Their lives have been massively altered. The damage already happened. Stop blaming the victim for putting a name to the event that caused the damage.

Lunacy. No wonder there are so many messed up adults. The mentality of treating children like adults and putting adult burdens on them is absolutely insane. These kids stand no chance to grow up and be healthy adults with your beliefs.

I suspect you would also be angry at family members who go public about being a victim of child abuse by family members, so I’m glad not to agree with you on this.

Because child abuse and cheating are the same thing.

On the side of the family secret keepers, I see. Yeah, that’s not a side I want to be on, thanks. I am not protecting the secrets of abusers.

Oh please. Focus on your child. That's whose side you should be on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: People experience or hear about a parent telling their child in either an emotion dump or as a way to trash the other parent, and then seem to assume the problem is sharing the issue with the child. It’s not. Everything in a divorce should be done in the best interests of a child. Dumping emotional baggage or getting your child in the middle of a messy divorce is wrong, no matter the topic. Keeping relevant secrets from a child who is emotionally mature enough to handle the topic is wrong too.

Agree. I got the worst of all worlds, myself. My mom kept my dad's cheating a secret AND relentlessly trashed him to us as a way of dumping her emotional baggage and extreme rage. She was completely oblivious to the negative effects this had on us.

It would have been better for her to come clean instead of repressing it. She likely was resentful for carrying that burden and it messed with her mentally...hence the issues she dumped on you.

Honesty and therapy (for betrayed and kids)...and the dipsh*t cheater obviously should have been in therapy a long time ago.

DP.


Therapy would probably have helped.

But honesty alone would probably not have changed anything. It's very common for people to stay resentful even after opening up about affairs. This is why the children of these people are insisting that it's better not to share. Many people don't share in healthy ways. Perhaps therapy before sharing? Parhaps tell the children that it is very complicated, and you will get back to them when you have found an appropriate way to explain it all?

Many cheaters won't share in healthy ways why they left the marriage. I was the most doting wife and mother, taking care of literally everything in the household. My exH was telling our son that he left because "mom went crazy, she beat me, she lies etc". My son was left wondering what's going on.
Cheaters have no integrity and never exit the marriage honestly: they try to take advantage of innocent spouse financially, emotionally and physically (yes, he had sex with me once a week while being in a heated affair )

+100

I was watching 'The Staircase' last night and the defense was upset the defendent's history of affairs, visiting websites looking for sex would be admissible in court. They said it was irrelevant to be a murderer.

The judge ruled against them and said it the affairs and his secret life looking for sex definitely spoke to his character. The defense was terrified and let down that the man's history of sexually cheating on his wife would indicate that he wasn't who he seemed and that the image he projected was a cover.

People on this forum like to say cheating is a small thing, everyone cheats, blah blah blah and they get angry when anyone tells them it is poor character, lack of integrity and shows someone is a dishonest, liar.

Well- watching the last two shows about real life murders, they heavily took into account a person's cheating as a 'lack of character'.

If a person is known to be cheater, it's always brought up in court cases to demonstrate weakness, dishonesty and lack of character.

I hope more of this happens. It signals that the person does not deal with their problems in the world except by stealth. This is why infidelity of money is linked with infidelity of sex and other pursuits. They can't handle dealing with problems out in the open. I remember Robert Hanssen also had that link between having a secret sex life and a secret spy life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mother and her aunt were sexually abused by a family member when they were young. When they started seeking therapy as adults and chose to name their abuser, I was shocked by how many people in the family were FURIOUS with them for airing dirty laundry, not thinking about how it would impact others, not just getting over it, etc.

Abusers and dysfunctional people are fine with continuing the cycle of shame, secret keeping, denial, and gaslighting. It’s what they know, it’s what they are comfortable with. People who were raised this way will continue is the cycle.

The kids can’t be protected from something that already occurred. The cheating already took place. Their lives have been massively altered. The damage already happened. Stop blaming the victim for putting a name to the event that caused the damage.

Lunacy. No wonder there are so many messed up adults. The mentality of treating children like adults and putting adult burdens on them is absolutely insane. These kids stand no chance to grow up and be healthy adults with your beliefs.

I suspect you would also be angry at family members who go public about being a victim of child abuse by family members, so I’m glad not to agree with you on this.

Because child abuse and cheating are the same thing.

Actually they are very similar. Many people cheat with people younger than them and the age difference between a 16 year old and 18 year old isn't that great. Overseas people can marry at age 12 and have sex by age 13 or 14.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mother and her aunt were sexually abused by a family member when they were young. When they started seeking therapy as adults and chose to name their abuser, I was shocked by how many people in the family were FURIOUS with them for airing dirty laundry, not thinking about how it would impact others, not just getting over it, etc.

Abusers and dysfunctional people are fine with continuing the cycle of shame, secret keeping, denial, and gaslighting. It’s what they know, it’s what they are comfortable with. People who were raised this way will continue is the cycle.

The kids can’t be protected from something that already occurred. The cheating already took place. Their lives have been massively altered. The damage already happened. Stop blaming the victim for putting a name to the event that caused the damage.

Lunacy. No wonder there are so many messed up adults. The mentality of treating children like adults and putting adult burdens on them is absolutely insane. These kids stand no chance to grow up and be healthy adults with your beliefs.

I suspect you would also be angry at family members who go public about being a victim of child abuse by family members, so I’m glad not to agree with you on this.

Because child abuse and cheating are the same thing.

On the side of the family secret keepers, I see. Yeah, that’s not a side I want to be on, thanks. I am not protecting the secrets of abusers.

Oh please. Focus on your child. That's whose side you should be on.

Of course. That means honesty and not hiding the secrets of abusers. I don’t tolerate not being honest about abusive family members. Obviously you do but we are different that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: People experience or hear about a parent telling their child in either an emotion dump or as a way to trash the other parent, and then seem to assume the problem is sharing the issue with the child. It’s not. Everything in a divorce should be done in the best interests of a child. Dumping emotional baggage or getting your child in the middle of a messy divorce is wrong, no matter the topic. Keeping relevant secrets from a child who is emotionally mature enough to handle the topic is wrong too.

Agree. I got the worst of all worlds, myself. My mom kept my dad's cheating a secret AND relentlessly trashed him to us as a way of dumping her emotional baggage and extreme rage. She was completely oblivious to the negative effects this had on us.

It would have been better for her to come clean instead of repressing it. She likely was resentful for carrying that burden and it messed with her mentally...hence the issues she dumped on you.

Honesty and therapy (for betrayed and kids)...and the dipsh*t cheater obviously should have been in therapy a long time ago.

DP.


Therapy would probably have helped.

But honesty alone would probably not have changed anything. It's very common for people to stay resentful even after opening up about affairs. This is why the children of these people are insisting that it's better not to share. Many people don't share in healthy ways. Perhaps therapy before sharing? Parhaps tell the children that it is very complicated, and you will get back to them when you have found an appropriate way to explain it all?

Many cheaters won't share in healthy ways why they left the marriage. I was the most doting wife and mother, taking care of literally everything in the household. My exH was telling our son that he left because "mom went crazy, she beat me, she lies etc". My son was left wondering what's going on.
Cheaters have no integrity and never exit the marriage honestly: they try to take advantage of innocent spouse financially, emotionally and physically (yes, he had sex with me once a week while being in a heated affair )

+100

I was watching 'The Staircase' last night and the defense was upset the defendent's history of affairs, visiting websites looking for sex would be admissible in court. They said it was irrelevant to be a murderer.

The judge ruled against them and said it the affairs and his secret life looking for sex definitely spoke to his character. The defense was terrified and let down that the man's history of sexually cheating on his wife would indicate that he wasn't who he seemed and that the image he projected was a cover.

People on this forum like to say cheating is a small thing, everyone cheats, blah blah blah and they get angry when anyone tells them it is poor character, lack of integrity and shows someone is a dishonest, liar.

Well- watching the last two shows about real life murders, they heavily took into account a person's cheating as a 'lack of character'.

If a person is known to be cheater, it's always brought up in court cases to demonstrate weakness, dishonesty and lack of character.

Is that your professional opinion as an attorney, or as a Perry Mason viewer?

It’s my personal opinion. Apparently, you think leading a secret life, lying, gaslighting and exposing your spouse to disease is honorable and speaks to good character, no?

No, but my divorce lawyer said that infidelity was irrelevant to the judge.

That's going to start changing as neuroscience backs up that it's a mental deficit and now that both women and men do it quite often. Roe v Wade going away won't help things either.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote: People experience or hear about a parent telling their child in either an emotion dump or as a way to trash the other parent, and then seem to assume the problem is sharing the issue with the child. It’s not. Everything in a divorce should be done in the best interests of a child. Dumping emotional baggage or getting your child in the middle of a messy divorce is wrong, no matter the topic. Keeping relevant secrets from a child who is emotionally mature enough to handle the topic is wrong too.

Agree. I got the worst of all worlds, myself. My mom kept my dad's cheating a secret AND relentlessly trashed him to us as a way of dumping her emotional baggage and extreme rage. She was completely oblivious to the negative effects this had on us.

It would have been better for her to come clean instead of repressing it. She likely was resentful for carrying that burden and it messed with her mentally...hence the issues she dumped on you.

Honesty and therapy (for betrayed and kids)...and the dipsh*t cheater obviously should have been in therapy a long time ago.

DP.


Therapy would probably have helped.

But honesty alone would probably not have changed anything. It's very common for people to stay resentful even after opening up about affairs. This is why the children of these people are insisting that it's better not to share. Many people don't share in healthy ways. Perhaps therapy before sharing? Parhaps tell the children that it is very complicated, and you will get back to them when you have found an appropriate way to explain it all?

Many cheaters won't share in healthy ways why they left the marriage. I was the most doting wife and mother, taking care of literally everything in the household. My exH was telling our son that he left because "mom went crazy, she beat me, she lies etc". My son was left wondering what's going on.
Cheaters have no integrity and never exit the marriage honestly: they try to take advantage of innocent spouse financially, emotionally and physically (yes, he had sex with me once a week while being in a heated affair )

+100

I was watching 'The Staircase' last night and the defense was upset the defendent's history of affairs, visiting websites looking for sex would be admissible in court. They said it was irrelevant to be a murderer.

The judge ruled against them and said it the affairs and his secret life looking for sex definitely spoke to his character. The defense was terrified and let down that the man's history of sexually cheating on his wife would indicate that he wasn't who he seemed and that the image he projected was a cover.

People on this forum like to say cheating is a small thing, everyone cheats, blah blah blah and they get angry when anyone tells them it is poor character, lack of integrity and shows someone is a dishonest, liar.

Well- watching the last two shows about real life murders, they heavily took into account a person's cheating as a 'lack of character'.

If a person is known to be cheater, it's always brought up in court cases to demonstrate weakness, dishonesty and lack of character.

Is that your professional opinion as an attorney, or as a Perry Mason viewer?

It’s my personal opinion. Apparently, you think leading a secret life, lying, gaslighting and exposing your spouse to disease is honorable and speaks to good character, no?

No, but my divorce lawyer said that infidelity was irrelevant to the judge.

That's going to start changing as neuroscience backs up that it's a mental deficit and now that both women and men do it quite often. Roe v Wade going away won't help things either.

Riiight