What do you do when your adult child goes into therapy and lays blame at your feet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound like a narcissist.

Yep. “Oh poor me”.

Not the OP but I’ll speak for her: shut up you sociopaths.

No. Deal with it, you sociopath.

[Anonymous]

Children are programmed, biologically, to want connection and protection from parents and will believe it's there even when it is not, because believing in it is better for them. Many carry this on to adulthood and will not hear of any criticism against their sainted parents. The cognitive dissonance allows them to be functional and comfortable with other information and situations that are not true or right.

Therapists convincing adult children that their normal parents were bad is not a thing. Not gonna say it never happened! Everything has happened, but some things are exceptional and some things are not. 1) an adult child actually made his way to therapy 2) adult child begins to realize, his upbringing was perhaps not healthy ... 3) ignorant parents assume this growth in the adult child is the fault of an evil therapist intent on exposing their abuse and ruining the facade of their happy family. That's what really happens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Anyone ever question whether therapy is a good idea. Our culture sees therapists constantly yet is the most miserable dysfunctional, suicidal mess ever. Seems like something isn’t working so well.

Maybe we should return to respecting elders and taking responsibility for one’s self.

I mean, you wanna go back in time? How far back do you want to go? Hahahahaha. I assume you must be a white privileged person, the only ones who revere the past. I myself am a white privileged person, who has benefitted from therapy. I got generational trauma, as most people do. I have PTSD from my mother's abuse, and I do actually feel sorry for her, she grew up in such a terrible time for women.

If you want to just go on in survival mode ... then your approach of "respecting elders" might work for you, but not your kids, who will not relate to your outdated, abusive, primitive world view. IMO, you need to grow up and face reality if you want a happy family. The past is terrible.

It would be helpful if you could post something legitimate instead of just seething with anger and scorn. I think you have something to say but it's not worth wading through your emotional and psychological screed to get to it. If this represents the results of therapy, it seems like a waste of money.

Can you repost saying what you actually mean?

What I mean is, people who are sure that families were happier in the past because of "respect" and "values" are idiots who don't understand history or much else. So, there's my unsaid scorn for you. I think you are ignorant, and ignorance is a poor thing in a parent.

I'm not the PP you think I am. I didn't say anything about respect or values. Again, if you represent the end result of therapy, I'll take a hard pass. I can learn to be mean and bitter and full of scorn for others for free.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He is in pain and he is expressing it and you want to make it go away with a quick "I'm sorry if I anything I did contributed to your unhappiness."

Obviously that is not going to be satisfying for your son! He doesn't want a throwaway non-apology, he wants you to listen and validate his feelings. Why not actually talk it through with him, admit that you made mistakes (specific, not a general "sorry if I made some mistakes") and explain why you did the things you did? Not to make it go away, but so he can see you that you actually care.

I don't think he has doubts that we care. I will admit somethings were mistakes, like homeschooling - it didn't work for him, he fought it. Other things like church were not a mistake even though he doesn't attend church now. The opportunity to go to college was not a mistake. He didn't like it and his grades weren’t good, but he had the chance to try it, but dropped out. Our marriage was challenging and I wish we hid it better from the kids. We did the best we knew at the time. If these are the worse things we did, we should be forgiven.

You are insufferable. Your poor son.

Why? She sounds thoughtful and honest. Her son sounds like a jerk. Sorry OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Children are programmed, biologically, to want connection and protection from parents and will believe it's there even when it is not, because believing in it is better for them. Many carry this on to adulthood and will not hear of any criticism against their sainted parents. The cognitive dissonance allows them to be functional and comfortable with other information and situations that are not true or right.

Therapists convincing adult children that their normal parents were bad is not a thing. Not gonna say it never happened! Everything has happened, but some things are exceptional and some things are not. 1) an adult child actually made his way to therapy 2) adult child begins to realize, his upbringing was perhaps not healthy ... 3) ignorant parents assume this growth in the adult child is the fault of an evil therapist intent on exposing their abuse and ruining the facade of their happy family. That's what really happens.

There is more than one way to put things into perspective. A different therapist might say, "It sounds like your mother cared about you very much and put a lot of effort into the decisions she made for you. I understand that you are not happy with those decisions, but it sounds like your mother loved you very much." Or "It's quite common for parents to want their children to go to college. It's quite common for parents to impose the family's religion on their children." Etc.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like the therapists caused more problems. Blaming the loving, dedicated mother is evil.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The problem is that after an incredibly long and arduous marathon of raising children, which goes on and on and on and on, during which you put your own needs aside FOR YEARS and give your DC your very lifeblood and life's energy, sacrificing absolutely everything for them to the point where you are finally crawling over the finish line on your hands and knees with your youngest -- THEN you're supposed to apologize for your shortcomings and ask for forgiveness??

Are you f'ing kidding me??????

Yes. Decent human beings care about others' feelings and apologize when they mess up, even if it was a small thing. This is what you sign up for when you choose to bring a child into the world. Why would it be otherwise?

Adult children probably owe their parents some apologies too. Kids cause parents some unfair PTSD, especially during the teenage years. Adult child could say sorry I was such a teen brat and for all the stress and extra expenses it caused you then parents could feel like their effort as a parent were acknowledged. But to say I was a perfect kid and you f'd me on purpose is bull.

I would agree 100% with that last line. It is not a refutation of comment.

I sense that some parents think they deserve points for not intentionally hurting their kids, caring for them even when the kid was very stressful, and doing better than their own abusive parents. No, these things don’t make you a good parent and they definitely don’t absolve you of responsibility for your mistakes. these things, particularly not intentionally hurting your child, are the bare minimum.

I'm sorry, but "the bare minimum" in parenting is enough. It's a lot. No one has to be a star parent to be loved or appreciated or thanked for the job they did. Same goes for kids. They don't have to be beautiful or straight A students or popular or good at sports -- they just have to be your kids. That's all. No one should have to jump through hoops in this parent-child relationship. Normal people love each other JUST BECAUSE. Just because their kids are their kids and their parents are their parents. The idea that people have to strive to be "the best" at everything is side stepping the issue, which is that parents love their children and children love their parents back. No one should have to be perfect to receive that love.

What a disingenuous response. This post is not about parents having to be perfect. This post is about a parent who is upset that their child went to therapy and is trying to deal with things that happened in their life. No one is saying parents have to be perfect. The issue is the op is the type who thinks their children have to be subordinant to them the rest of the lives and respect them no matter what they do. Op is trying to attack therapy as a root of family disharmony. Op's children need space from her and she is pissed off about that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like the therapists caused more problems. Blaming the loving, dedicated mother is evil.

You have just one note I see. If you are so content with how you were raised and so confident in how you raised your children, then it’s odd you find therapy so threatening.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Anyone ever question whether therapy is a good idea. Our culture sees therapists constantly yet is the most miserable dysfunctional, suicidal mess ever. Seems like something isn’t working so well.

Maybe we should return to respecting elders and taking responsibility for one’s self.

I mean, you wanna go back in time? How far back do you want to go? Hahahahaha. I assume you must be a white privileged person, the only ones who revere the past. I myself am a white privileged person, who has benefitted from therapy. I got generational trauma, as most people do. I have PTSD from my mother's abuse, and I do actually feel sorry for her, she grew up in such a terrible time for women.

If you want to just go on in survival mode ... then your approach of "respecting elders" might work for you, but not your kids, who will not relate to your outdated, abusive, primitive world view. IMO, you need to grow up and face reality if you want a happy family. The past is terrible.

It would be helpful if you could post something legitimate instead of just seething with anger and scorn. I think you have something to say but it's not worth wading through your emotional and psychological screed to get to it. If this represents the results of therapy, it seems like a waste of money.

Can you repost saying what you actually mean?

What I mean is, people who are sure that families were happier in the past because of "respect" and "values" are idiots who don't understand history or much else. So, there's my unsaid scorn for you. I think you are ignorant, and ignorance is a poor thing in a parent.

It's as if they are proud of their ignorance. They remind me of people who think you can beat or discipline the disabilities out of a child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Children are programmed, biologically, to want connection and protection from parents and will believe it's there even when it is not, because believing in it is better for them. Many carry this on to adulthood and will not hear of any criticism against their sainted parents. The cognitive dissonance allows them to be functional and comfortable with other information and situations that are not true or right.

Therapists convincing adult children that their normal parents were bad is not a thing. Not gonna say it never happened! Everything has happened, but some things are exceptional and some things are not. 1) an adult child actually made his way to therapy 2) adult child begins to realize, his upbringing was perhaps not healthy ... 3) ignorant parents assume this growth in the adult child is the fault of an evil therapist intent on exposing their abuse and ruining the facade of their happy family. That's what really happens.

There is more than one way to put things into perspective. A different therapist might say, "It sounds like your mother cared about you very much and put a lot of effort into the decisions she made for you. I understand that you are not happy with those decisions, but it sounds like your mother loved you very much." Or "It's quite common for parents to want their children to go to college. It's quite common for parents to impose the family's religion on their children." Etc.

That's not how it works. The therapist should not suggest that the parent loved the child or did not love the child. The therapist helps the patient discover their own feelings about whether they felt loved. But look, I tbink you live in a simplistic world in which anyone is influenced by a person, a news story, or a video game or whatever I cannot relate to you, you must be below the communication threshold for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like the therapists caused more problems. Blaming the loving, dedicated mother is evil.

Trying to imply therapy is bad is actually evil. It helps people deal with trauma, abuse, and more. Any parent who is threatened by it clearly has problems that can not be dealt with here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Anyone ever question whether therapy is a good idea. Our culture sees therapists constantly yet is the most miserable dysfunctional, suicidal mess ever. Seems like something isn’t working so well.

Maybe we should return to respecting elders and taking responsibility for one’s self.

I mean, you wanna go back in time? How far back do you want to go? Hahahahaha. I assume you must be a white privileged person, the only ones who revere the past. I myself am a white privileged person, who has benefitted from therapy. I got generational trauma, as most people do. I have PTSD from my mother's abuse, and I do actually feel sorry for her, she grew up in such a terrible time for women.

If you want to just go on in survival mode ... then your approach of "respecting elders" might work for you, but not your kids, who will not relate to your outdated, abusive, primitive world view. IMO, you need to grow up and face reality if you want a happy family. The past is terrible.

It would be helpful if you could post something legitimate instead of just seething with anger and scorn. I think you have something to say but it's not worth wading through your emotional and psychological screed to get to it. If this represents the results of therapy, it seems like a waste of money.

Can you repost saying what you actually mean?

What I mean is, people who are sure that families were happier in the past because of "respect" and "values" are idiots who don't understand history or much else. So, there's my unsaid scorn for you. I think you are ignorant, and ignorance is a poor thing in a parent.

I'm not the PP you think I am. I didn't say anything about respect or values. Again, if you represent the end result of therapy, I'll take a hard pass. I can learn to be mean and bitter and full of scorn for others for free.

The PP I responded to called for "a return to respecting elders." You wanna mix it up? I am not mean or bitter, but I do hate ignorance and obfuscation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He is in pain and he is expressing it and you want to make it go away with a quick "I'm sorry if I anything I did contributed to your unhappiness."

Obviously that is not going to be satisfying for your son! He doesn't want a throwaway non-apology, he wants you to listen and validate his feelings. Why not actually talk it through with him, admit that you made mistakes (specific, not a general "sorry if I made some mistakes") and explain why you did the things you did? Not to make it go away, but so he can see you that you actually care.

I don't think he has doubts that we care. I will admit somethings were mistakes, like homeschooling - it didn't work for him, he fought it. Other things like church were not a mistake even though he doesn't attend church now. The opportunity to go to college was not a mistake. He didn't like it and his grades weren’t good, but he had the chance to try it, but dropped out. Our marriage was challenging and I wish we hid it better from the kids. We did the best we knew at the time. If these are the worse things we did, we should be forgiven.

This is giving me PTSD from my religious father.

You can't demand that somebody forgive you or see things the way you do. You just can't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like the therapists caused more problems. Blaming the loving, dedicated mother is evil.

Trying to imply therapy is bad is actually evil. It helps people deal with trauma, abuse, and more. Any parent who is threatened by it clearly has problems that can not be dealt with here.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Anyone ever question whether therapy is a good idea. Our culture sees therapists constantly yet is the most miserable dysfunctional, suicidal mess ever. Seems like something isn’t working so well.

Maybe we should return to respecting elders and taking responsibility for one’s self.

I mean, you wanna go back in time? How far back do you want to go? Hahahahaha. I assume you must be a white privileged person, the only ones who revere the past. I myself am a white privileged person, who has benefitted from therapy. I got generational trauma, as most people do. I have PTSD from my mother's abuse, and I do actually feel sorry for her, she grew up in such a terrible time for women.

If you want to just go on in survival mode ... then your approach of "respecting elders" might work for you, but not your kids, who will not relate to your outdated, abusive, primitive world view. IMO, you need to grow up and face reality if you want a happy family. The past is terrible.

It would be helpful if you could post something legitimate instead of just seething with anger and scorn. I think you have something to say but it's not worth wading through your emotional and psychological screed to get to it. If this represents the results of therapy, it seems like a waste of money.

Can you repost saying what you actually mean?

What I mean is, people who are sure that families were happier in the past because of "respect" and "values" are idiots who don't understand history or much else. So, there's my unsaid scorn for you. I think you are ignorant, and ignorance is a poor thing in a parent.

It's as if they are proud of their ignorance. They remind me of people who think you can beat or discipline the disabilities out of a child.

Yes, respecting elders is just like trying to beat disabilities out of a child. OMG the people on this thread. You are unreal, PP.