What do you do when your adult child goes into therapy and lays blame at your feet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The problem is that after an incredibly long and arduous marathon of raising children, which goes on and on and on and on, during which you put your own needs aside FOR YEARS and give your DC your very lifeblood and life's energy, sacrificing absolutely everything for them to the point where you are finally crawling over the finish line on your hands and knees with your youngest -- THEN you're supposed to apologize for your shortcomings and ask for forgiveness??

Are you f'ing kidding me??????

Yes. Decent human beings care about others' feelings and apologize when they mess up, even if it was a small thing. This is what you sign up for when you choose to bring a child into the world. Why would it be otherwise?

Adult children probably owe their parents some apologies too. Kids cause parents some unfair PTSD, especially during the teenage years. Adult child could say sorry I was such a teen brat and for all the stress and extra expenses it caused you then parents could feel like their effort as a parent were acknowledged. But to say I was a perfect kid and you f'd me on purpose is bull.

I would agree 100% with that last line. It is not a refutation of comment.

I sense that some parents think they deserve points for not intentionally hurting their kids, caring for them even when the kid was very stressful, and doing better than their own abusive parents. No, these things don’t make you a good parent and they definitely don’t absolve you of responsibility for your mistakes. these things, particularly not intentionally hurting your child, are the bare minimum.

I'm sorry, but "the bare minimum" in parenting is enough. It's a lot. No one has to be a star parent to be loved or appreciated or thanked for the job they did. Same goes for kids. They don't have to be beautiful or straight A students or popular or good at sports -- they just have to be your kids. That's all. No one should have to jump through hoops in this parent-child relationship. Normal people love each other JUST BECAUSE. Just because their kids are their kids and their parents are their parents. The idea that people have to strive to be "the best" at everything is side stepping the issue, which is that parents love their children and children love their parents back. No one should have to be perfect to receive that love.

I wrote that comment because it seems like people think that trying really really hard gives them a pass for mistakes they made. Which is not true. We can do our best but still make mistakes and we always need to be accountable for our mistakes.

Your comment is kind of sad to me. Do you believe that a parenting mistake makes you unlovable?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So DS 30's has finally gone into therapy to work on himself, but now he is basically blaming me and my marriage problem/fighting, my religion that I forced on him, my homeschooling, my house rules, etc. All these things caused his mental problems and unhappiness according to his therapist. I have apologized if I contributed but there is not much to be done now. He wrote me a letter about it. It's depressing have all this blame hurled at me, I can't change the past and I wasn't a perfect parent - but we did our best and I thought he had a fairly happy childhood, much better than DH and I. I tried to give him the childhood I wanted as a kid. It's causing me to feel down. No one can hurt you like your kid.

I suspect that therapists cause more problems than they solve.

Typical response given by someone who is not capable of admitting their own fault or failures.

Yup. Totally lacking introspection and empathy, too.

+1 OP’s response is unbelievable.

It’s clear to see why her kids might have issues from their childhood.

Why, because she did the best she could? Because she made choices that she thought would make them happy? Because she's not GOD and actually didn't know PRECISELY what the child needed or wanted?

Gimme a break. You are ridiculous. OP did what she thought was best for her child. Plenty of mothers don't bother. Mine didn't.

Op stated that her son expressed that he wanted to attend a brick and mortar school and that he didn't want to go to church while he was still a child. Rather than listening to him and working out a solution where they could both be happy, she railroaded him, labelled him "difficult" and forced him to compky with *HER* will.

Of course she did. She was the parent. He was the child. That was her job -- to do what she thought was right for him, not let him decide. Do you really think that's unusual? Or is it just because religion is involved? No kid WANTS to go to church! They also don't want to do a lot of other things we think are in their best interests. Of course they are "railroaded." That's called parenting.

In some families it isn't just going to church, their entire life is about the religious beliefs. Homeschooling is part of this isolation from society. The Duggar family is an example of this and it is cultlike. I grew up in an evangelical home like this and it was extremely abusive physically and emotionally, not to mention weird sex concepts. Bill Gothard with his Institute of Basic Life Principles messed up many children and families. I was a difficult child according to my parents so I was beaten daily to break me like a horse. No one on the outside would have known what was going on, I managed to be a likable honor student. Maybe OP is a different religion but because of my life experience, this is what I picture their home was like, including the fighting.

OP and others approached by their adult children should care enough to apologize period, no ifs or buts. In my 20's I wrote a letter to my parents and then tried talking to them. I was told that I had always been unloveable and difficult. I was lectured from a stack of Christian books. After a couple hours, my dad half apologized if he overspanked and that was it. My mom only smirked at me and said "Well, we're all grownups now."

Wow. That's really rough. I'm sorry that happened to you. There's really no way of knowing what backgrounds people are coming from when they respond to these posts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Making someone's life better than your own doesn't necessarily mean they had a GOOD life. If you were beaten twice a day and you only beat your child once a week, you still beat your child, you see?

Saying "I'm sorry if I contributed to your unhappiness...." is not a real apology. It's the word "if" that's the problem. You need to change it to the word "that".

But lets review what he's saying: his parents were fighting, you wouldn't let him be an independent thinker regarding religion, and on top of all that, he was isolated via homeschooling. Yeah, who wouldn't be upset by all that?!

I am very sorry, but it certainly wasn't intentional to harm him.

This is the most facile, infuriating response I can think of. You didn't intend to harm him? SO what? If you intended to harm him, that's an entirely different conversation. The fact is that you did, or at least he believes you did. Your motivation has nothing to do with it.

Yes, it has everything to do with it. People can only do the best they can. That's LITERALLY all they are capable of. Someone's motivations make all the difference in the world to most people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The problem is that after an incredibly long and arduous marathon of raising children, which goes on and on and on and on, during which you put your own needs aside FOR YEARS and give your DC your very lifeblood and life's energy, sacrificing absolutely everything for them to the point where you are finally crawling over the finish line on your hands and knees with your youngest -- THEN you're supposed to apologize for your shortcomings and ask for forgiveness??

Are you f'ing kidding me??????

Yes. Decent human beings care about others' feelings and apologize when they mess up, even if it was a small thing. This is what you sign up for when you choose to bring a child into the world. Why would it be otherwise?

Adult children probably owe their parents some apologies too. Kids cause parents some unfair PTSD, especially during the teenage years. Adult child could say sorry I was such a teen brat and for all the stress and extra expenses it caused you then parents could feel like their effort as a parent were acknowledged. But to say I was a perfect kid and you f'd me on purpose is bull.

I would agree 100% with that last line. It is not a refutation of comment.

I sense that some parents think they deserve points for not intentionally hurting their kids, caring for them even when the kid was very stressful, and doing better than their own abusive parents. No, these things don’t make you a good parent and they definitely don’t absolve you of responsibility for your mistakes. these things, particularly not intentionally hurting your child, are the bare minimum.

I'm sorry, but "the bare minimum" in parenting is enough. It's a lot. No one has to be a star parent to be loved or appreciated or thanked for the job they did. Same goes for kids. They don't have to be beautiful or straight A students or popular or good at sports -- they just have to be your kids. That's all. No one should have to jump through hoops in this parent-child relationship. Normal people love each other JUST BECAUSE. Just because their kids are their kids and their parents are their parents. The idea that people have to strive to be "the best" at everything is side stepping the issue, which is that parents love their children and children love their parents back. No one should have to be perfect to receive that love.

I wrote that comment because it seems like people think that trying really really hard gives them a pass for mistakes they made. Which is not true. We can do our best but still make mistakes and we always need to be accountable for our mistakes.

Your comment is kind of sad to me. Do you believe that a parenting mistake makes you unlovable?

No, I think a parenting mistake doesn't mean I'm a bad parent. It means I'm a human parent.

[Anonymous]

There are no perfect parents, OP. And even if there were, a therapist would find a way to blame them. I’m really sorry you are hurting. I would apologize without conditions or explanations. I would remind my child of how very much I love them. I would continue to show unconstitutional life and support. And I would listen to the therapist on issues like boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Anyone ever question whether therapy is a good idea. Our culture sees therapists constantly yet is the most miserable dysfunctional, suicidal mess ever. Seems like something isn’t working so well.

Maybe we should return to respecting elders and taking responsibility for one’s self.

I mean, you wanna go back in time? How far back do you want to go? Hahahahaha. I assume you must be a white privileged person, the only ones who revere the past. I myself am a white privileged person, who has benefitted from therapy. I got generational trauma, as most people do. I have PTSD from my mother's abuse, and I do actually feel sorry for her, she grew up in such a terrible time for women.

If you want to just go on in survival mode ... then your approach of "respecting elders" might work for you, but not your kids, who will not relate to your outdated, abusive, primitive world view. IMO, you need to grow up and face reality if you want a happy family. The past is terrible.

It would be helpful if you could post something legitimate instead of just seething with anger and scorn. I think you have something to say but it's not worth wading through your emotional and psychological screed to get to it. If this represents the results of therapy, it seems like a waste of money.

Can you repost saying what you actually mean?

What I mean is, people who are sure that families were happier in the past because of "respect" and "values" are idiots who don't understand history or much else. So, there's my unsaid scorn for you. I think you are ignorant, and ignorance is a poor thing in a parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Making someone's life better than your own doesn't necessarily mean they had a GOOD life. If you were beaten twice a day and you only beat your child once a week, you still beat your child, you see?

Saying "I'm sorry if I contributed to your unhappiness...." is not a real apology. It's the word "if" that's the problem. You need to change it to the word "that".

But lets review what he's saying: his parents were fighting, you wouldn't let him be an independent thinker regarding religion, and on top of all that, he was isolated via homeschooling. Yeah, who wouldn't be upset by all that?!

I am very sorry, but it certainly wasn't intentional to harm him.

Just stick with " I am very sorry." The "but" is just excuses and defensiveness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The problem is that after an incredibly long and arduous marathon of raising children, which goes on and on and on and on, during which you put your own needs aside FOR YEARS and give your DC your very lifeblood and life's energy, sacrificing absolutely everything for them to the point where you are finally crawling over the finish line on your hands and knees with your youngest -- THEN you're supposed to apologize for your shortcomings and ask for forgiveness??

Are you f'ing kidding me??????

Yes. Decent human beings care about others' feelings and apologize when they mess up, even if it was a small thing. This is what you sign up for when you choose to bring a child into the world. Why would it be otherwise?

Adult children probably owe their parents some apologies too. Kids cause parents some unfair PTSD, especially during the teenage years. Adult child could say sorry I was such a teen brat and for all the stress and extra expenses it caused you then parents could feel like their effort as a parent were acknowledged. But to say I was a perfect kid and you f'd me on purpose is bull.

I would agree 100% with that last line. It is not a refutation of comment.

I sense that some parents think they deserve points for not intentionally hurting their kids, caring for them even when the kid was very stressful, and doing better than their own abusive parents. No, these things don’t make you a good parent and they definitely don’t absolve you of responsibility for your mistakes. these things, particularly not intentionally hurting your child, are the bare minimum.

I'm sorry, but "the bare minimum" in parenting is enough. It's a lot. No one has to be a star parent to be loved or appreciated or thanked for the job they did. Same goes for kids. They don't have to be beautiful or straight A students or popular or good at sports -- they just have to be your kids. That's all. No one should have to jump through hoops in this parent-child relationship. Normal people love each other JUST BECAUSE. Just because their kids are their kids and their parents are their parents. The idea that people have to strive to be "the best" at everything is side stepping the issue, which is that parents love their children and children love their parents back. No one should have to be perfect to receive that love.

I wrote that comment because it seems like people think that trying really really hard gives them a pass for mistakes they made. Which is not true. We can do our best but still make mistakes and we always need to be accountable for our mistakes.

Your comment is kind of sad to me. Do you believe that a parenting mistake makes you unlovable?

No, I think a parenting mistake doesn't mean I'm a bad parent. It means I'm a human parent.

Then why is it so bad to acknowledge a mistake and apologize for it? What does that have to do with how lovable you are?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is always the parents fault and I am not being sarcastic.

Op here, I will say that DH was my most challenging kid. He was headstrong and demanding from the time he was a baby. He was rarely content and cried a lot as a baby. He fought potty training and putting on clothes. I would dress him, he would take it off. If we wanted him do his chores, he would argue about why it was unfair or he shouldn't have to do it - for a much longer time than the chore would take. He dropped out of college and blamed us because shouldn't have made him go in the first place. This is his personality.

Right up until my mother died she would throw in my face how I cried a lot as a baby and never wanted her to rock me. As if I was being mean to her, as if I should apologize for how I was as a BABY and TODDLER. Please do not do this to your son.

I never said DS ruined my life as a mother, just that he was challenging because he was not an easy baby and was a rebellious teenager and young adult. I wonder if it's his nature and no amount of therapy will change it so maybe we're not the cause of his unhappiness.

Every post you make is so desperate to absolve yourself. You are coming off very poorly here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Making someone's life better than your own doesn't necessarily mean they had a GOOD life. If you were beaten twice a day and you only beat your child once a week, you still beat your child, you see?

Saying "I'm sorry if I contributed to your unhappiness...." is not a real apology. It's the word "if" that's the problem. You need to change it to the word "that".

But lets review what he's saying: his parents were fighting, you wouldn't let him be an independent thinker regarding religion, and on top of all that, he was isolated via homeschooling. Yeah, who wouldn't be upset by all that?!

I am very sorry, but it certainly wasn't intentional to harm him.

This is the most facile, infuriating response I can think of. You didn't intend to harm him? SO what? If you intended to harm him, that's an entirely different conversation. The fact is that you did, or at least he believes you did. Your motivation has nothing to do with it.

Yes, it has everything to do with it. People can only do the best they can. That's LITERALLY all they are capable of. Someone's motivations make all the difference in the world to most people.

If you step on my foot accidentally, it hurts and a simple apology is appreciated. If you step on it intentionally it hurts *and* you are a mean person, and I wouldn’t even hope for an apology from you.

Intent matters but impact matters too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He is in pain and he is expressing it and you want to make it go away with a quick "I'm sorry if I anything I did contributed to your unhappiness."

Obviously that is not going to be satisfying for your son! He doesn't want a throwaway non-apology, he wants you to listen and validate his feelings. Why not actually talk it through with him, admit that you made mistakes (specific, not a general "sorry if I made some mistakes") and explain why you did the things you did? Not to make it go away, but so he can see you that you actually care.

I don't think he has doubts that we care. I will admit somethings were mistakes, like homeschooling - it didn't work for him, he fought it. Other things like church were not a mistake even though he doesn't attend church now. The opportunity to go to college was not a mistake. He didn't like it and his grades weren’t good, but he had the chance to try it, but dropped out. Our marriage was challenging and I wish we hid it better from the kids. We did the best we knew at the time. If these are the worse things we did, we should be forgiven.

You are insufferable. Your poor son.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is always the parents fault and I am not being sarcastic.

Op here, I will say that DH was my most challenging kid. He was headstrong and demanding from the time he was a baby. He was rarely content and cried a lot as a baby. He fought potty training and putting on clothes. I would dress him, he would take it off. If we wanted him do his chores, he would argue about why it was unfair or he shouldn't have to do it - for a much longer time than the chore would take. He dropped out of college and blamed us because shouldn't have made him go in the first place. This is his personality.

Right up until my mother died she would throw in my face how I cried a lot as a baby and never wanted her to rock me. As if I was being mean to her, as if I should apologize for how I was as a BABY and TODDLER. Please do not do this to your son.

I don't think you heard your mother...she was traumatized that baby you couldn't be soothed and you rejected her affection. New mothers are deeply in love with their babies and their emotions are so huge. She was expressing her pain and feelings of failure, that's deep. She talked about it until she died. Wow you missed that signal.

Nope!

You'll understand when you have a baby.

I have more children than at least 95% of DCUM and I heartily agree with PP's "nope," so nope.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is always the parents fault and I am not being sarcastic.

Op here, I will say that DH was my most challenging kid. He was headstrong and demanding from the time he was a baby. He was rarely content and cried a lot as a baby. He fought potty training and putting on clothes. I would dress him, he would take it off. If we wanted him do his chores, he would argue about why it was unfair or he shouldn't have to do it - for a much longer time than the chore would take. He dropped out of college and blamed us because shouldn't have made him go in the first place. This is his personality.

Right up until my mother died she would throw in my face how I cried a lot as a baby and never wanted her to rock me. As if I was being mean to her, as if I should apologize for how I was as a BABY and TODDLER. Please do not do this to your son.

+1. My dad still talks about how much it hurt his feelings when I as a 2-3 year old would cry when my mom left for work and how I liked my mom more than I liked him. Yes, really. I knew/know it’s ridiculous for him to say this or feel this way and bring it up still 30+ years later but to be honest I do feel a twinge of guilt for “hurting his feelings.” I think my dad and other adults who do stuff like this (such as possibly OP) are narcissistic.

His feelings are still hurt. Otherwise he would have forgotten about it. Wait until you become a parent, you'll have your feelings hurt too.

Yes, you will, but if you're actually a GOOD parent, you won't bring it up repeatedly over decades to your children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So DS 30's has finally gone into therapy to work on himself, but now he is basically blaming me and my marriage problem/fighting, my religion that I forced on him, my homeschooling, my house rules, etc. All these things caused his mental problems and unhappiness according to his therapist. I have apologized if I contributed but there is not much to be done now. He wrote me a letter about it. It's depressing have all this blame hurled at me, I can't change the past and I wasn't a perfect parent - but we did our best and I thought he had a fairly happy childhood, much better than DH and I. I tried to give him the childhood I wanted as a kid. It's causing me to feel down. No one can hurt you like your kid.

I suspect that therapists cause more problems than they solve.

Typical response given by someone who is not capable of admitting their own fault or failures.

Yup. Totally lacking introspection and empathy, too.

+1 OP’s response is unbelievable.

It’s clear to see why her kids might have issues from their childhood.

Why, because she did the best she could? Because she made choices that she thought would make them happy? Because she's not GOD and actually didn't know PRECISELY what the child needed or wanted?

Gimme a break. You are ridiculous. OP did what she thought was best for her child. Plenty of mothers don't bother. Mine didn't.

Op stated that her son expressed that he wanted to attend a brick and mortar school and that he didn't want to go to church while he was still a child. Rather than listening to him and working out a solution where they could both be happy, she railroaded him, labelled him "difficult" and forced him to compky with *HER* will.

Of course she did. She was the parent. He was the child. That was her job -- to do what she thought was right for him, not let him decide. Do you really think that's unusual? Or is it just because religion is involved? No kid WANTS to go to church! They also don't want to do a lot of other things we think are in their best interests. Of course they are "railroaded." That's called parenting.

In some families it isn't just going to church, their entire life is about the religious beliefs. Homeschooling is part of this isolation from society. The Duggar family is an example of this and it is cultlike. I grew up in an evangelical home like this and it was extremely abusive physically and emotionally, not to mention weird sex concepts. Bill Gothard with his Institute of Basic Life Principles messed up many children and families. I was a difficult child according to my parents so I was beaten daily to break me like a horse. No one on the outside would have known what was going on, I managed to be a likable honor student. Maybe OP is a different religion but because of my life experience, this is what I picture their home was like, including the fighting.

OP and others approached by their adult children should care enough to apologize period, no ifs or buts. In my 20's I wrote a letter to my parents and then tried talking to them. I was told that I had always been unloveable and difficult. I was lectured from a stack of Christian books. After a couple hours, my dad half apologized if he overspanked and that was it. My mom only smirked at me and said "Well, we're all grownups now."

Very similar story here, except I got my father back as an adult. My mother was the driver of the evangelical bus, he was reluctantly along for the ride til they divorced. "Breaking the child's will" was a sermon topic, I believe. My mother took her God-derived spanking responsibilities very seriously. I think she would have homeschooled us if she'd even wanted to put up with us all day, but mostly she just locked us out of the house until it was time to get pretty for church.

I have also heard that I was a difficult child. I believe I was born just about perfect but was then traumatized into ADD-like behaviors.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Everyone should try therapy. But therapy should make people feel better, not worse. It should help someone understand where their parents are coming from and help them unravel their feelings, not help them have bad feelings for their parents. Because unless parents raped their children (which happens) or abandoned them (happens) or beat them severely or brought johns home while their kids were in the house, or put zero effort into being there for them, moving away and leaving them behind, etc., then it's a good bet their parents did actually the best they could. This is reality. A good therapist should know that just from listening to so many people. If they are not wise, they are useless.

This is not reality at all. You are woefully unqualified to make these sweeping, impressively wrong proclamations.