I finally set a boundary with in laws and they made me feel bad

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, NP.

And you cannot just act like telling your PIL that their time of arrival at your house on Christmas eve affects your sanity is normal.

Dear lord, it's a figure of speech, not OP saying she will literally end up in a mental institution if her in-laws arrive before 4:00.

Some people are really contorting themselves to excuse the in-laws poor behavior. Is it because they are similarly badly behaved toward others, or are they such doormats that they would never stand up for their own needs and need to attack others for doing so to avoid admitting they bring it on themselves? Because they sure are projecting something.

Actually doormat behavior leads to this kind of behavior from OP.

Draw your boundaries clear and firm. Don't use ridiculous figure of speeches to make your points and then cry when people use ridiculous language in return.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The entire reason not to insist on arriving at someone’s home five hours before being invited is always mental health of your host. They don’t want you to come at that time they want you to come later. If you come long before you are invited they will be less happy than if you come later. No one who is an adult should be insulted by this obvious fact

Not everyone understands these basic manners, it seems.

Whoever taught you manners failed. It's a pity that you think it's good manners to tell people that they are affecting your sanity by coming early (like they usually do).

[Anonymous]

You’re all going to get COVID. Just cancel. See them in 2022…maybe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The entire reason not to insist on arriving at someone’s home five hours before being invited is always mental health of your host. They don’t want you to come at that time they want you to come later. If you come long before you are invited they will be less happy than if you come later. No one who is an adult should be insulted by this obvious fact

Not everyone understands these basic manners, it seems.

Whoever taught you manners failed. It's a pity that you think it's good manners to tell people that they are affecting your sanity by coming early (like they usually do).

This thread is so interesting in its inconsistencies. On the one hand, people are arguing that the in-laws should be treated as such close family that they should be allowed to come and go as the please regardless of OP's needs or preferences. But on the other hand, they should be treated as polite acquaintances to whom should need confide that things have been stressful and you're feeling overwhelmed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The entire reason not to insist on arriving at someone’s home five hours before being invited is always mental health of your host. They don’t want you to come at that time they want you to come later. If you come long before you are invited they will be less happy than if you come later. No one who is an adult should be insulted by this obvious fact

Not everyone understands these basic manners, it seems.

Whoever taught you manners failed. It's a pity that you think it's good manners to tell people that they are affecting your sanity by coming early (like they usually do).

Why do you keep insisting that they usually come early on Christmas Eve when op clearly said this is the first Christmas Eve they have stayed?
Op said they always arrive early which is something that clearly needs to be addressed and for some reason the basic reason why people don’t arrive hours early had to be explained which was awkward
This is something that should not need to be verbalized

[Anonymous]

* op said they always arrive early in general

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In a lot of ways, holidays actually suck for working moms and never more than in a pandemic. Some of your only time off gets taken up doing yet another job. So you scrounge for the scraps of ‘break’. I think most working moms are totally fried at this point and prob at least half of them wish the Holidays were cancelled and they didn’t have to host or buy gifts or do anything

I agree, but I also think we can do less and still "enjoy" the holiday as much.

I think it's not worth making everything look nice and tasty if we end up in a tense environment. It would feel like all the work was in vain.

[Anonymous]

This entire thread is such a classic White people thread that I just have to laugh. How you dislike your families!! ILs are not guests, they are family. I can imagine how this would have gone at our house.

Me: I am expecting you at 5 pm, as I am super busy prepping for the party before that.
MIL: We are planning to come at 3 pm, because we don't want to drive in the dark.
Me: OK. Just know the house is going to be a disaster if you come early.
MIL: Not a problem. Can I help or pick up something on the way for the party?
Me: Not needed. Should I make a late lunch for you both?
MIL: No, we will eat on the way because we have to take our meds. I will make tea once I get there.
Me: OK. You can rest once you get here, your room is ready. DH will make tea for everyone. Drive carefully and see you soon.

Maybe for 2022 y'all can talk like normal people without drama.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: This entire thread is such a classic White people thread that I just have to laugh. How you dislike your families!! ILs are not guests, they are family. I can imagine how this would have gone at our house.

Me: I am expecting you at 5 pm, as I am super busy prepping for the party before that.
MIL: We are planning to come at 3 pm, because we don't want to drive in the dark.
Me: OK. Just know the house is going to be a disaster if you come early.
MIL: Not a problem. Can I help or pick up something on the way for the party?
Me: Not needed. Should I make a late lunch for you both?
MIL: No, we will eat on the way because we have to take our meds. I will make tea once I get there.
Me: OK. You can rest once you get here, your room is ready. DH will make tea for everyone. Drive carefully and see you soon.

Maybe for 2022 y'all can talk like normal people without drama.

This was not that conversation. This was come at 5 and mil said we want to come around 10a

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The entire reason not to insist on arriving at someone’s home five hours before being invited is always mental health of your host. They don’t want you to come at that time they want you to come later. If you come long before you are invited they will be less happy than if you come later. No one who is an adult should be insulted by this obvious fact

Not everyone understands these basic manners, it seems.

Whoever taught you manners failed. It's a pity that you think it's good manners to tell people that they are affecting your sanity by coming early (like they usually do).

Why do you keep insisting that they usually come early on Christmas Eve when op clearly said this is the first Christmas Eve they have stayed?
Op said they always arrive early which is something that clearly needs to be addressed and for some reason the basic reason why people don’t arrive hours early had to be explained which was awkward
This is something that should not need to be verbalized

They always arrive early because they think they are welcomed whenever they arrive. That is the nature of their relationship with OP's family.
Maybe it was rude at the begining but once it's gone on for long enough, there seems to be an understanding that it is acceptable behavior. It's okay for OP to decide that she has had enough of it(it's great actually). But there are better ways to communicate this. OP did her best, and it's okay. Now she has it off her chest, and hopefully her PIL and her DH can get it straight.

But to pretend like that is the polite way to communicate this is ridiculous. OP will be fine. MIL will be fine. But if OP gets hurt by insensitive comments, she shouldn't be making insensitive comments herself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: This entire thread is such a classic White people thread that I just have to laugh. How you dislike your families!! ILs are not guests, they are family. I can imagine how this would have gone at our house.

Me: I am expecting you at 5 pm, as I am super busy prepping for the party before that.
MIL: We are planning to come at 3 pm, because we don't want to drive in the dark.
Me: OK. Just know the house is going to be a disaster if you come early.
MIL: Not a problem. Can I help or pick up something on the way for the party?
Me: Not needed. Should I make a late lunch for you both?
MIL: No, we will eat on the way because we have to take our meds. I will make tea once I get there.
Me: OK. You can rest once you get here, your room is ready. DH will make tea for everyone. Drive carefully and see you soon.

Maybe for 2022 y'all can talk like normal people without drama.

This works just fine if you have helpful/understanding and/or unobtrusive IL's. If that applies to you, be thankful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The entire reason not to insist on arriving at someone’s home five hours before being invited is always mental health of your host. They don’t want you to come at that time they want you to come later. If you come long before you are invited they will be less happy than if you come later. No one who is an adult should be insulted by this obvious fact

Not everyone understands these basic manners, it seems.

Whoever taught you manners failed. It's a pity that you think it's good manners to tell people that they are affecting your sanity by coming early (like they usually do).

Why do you keep insisting that they usually come early on Christmas Eve when op clearly said this is the first Christmas Eve they have stayed?
Op said they always arrive early which is something that clearly needs to be addressed and for some reason the basic reason why people don’t arrive hours early had to be explained which was awkward
This is something that should not need to be verbalized

They always arrive early because they think they are welcomed whenever they arrive. That is the nature of their relationship with OP's family.
Maybe it was rude at the begining but once it's gone on for long enough, there seems to be an understanding that it is acceptable behavior. It's okay for OP to decide that she has had enough of it(it's great actually). But there are better ways to communicate this. OP did her best, and it's okay. Now she has it off her chest, and hopefully her PIL and her DH can get it straight.

But to pretend like that is the polite way to communicate this is ridiculous. OP will be fine. MIL will be fine. But if OP gets hurt by insensitive comments, she shouldn't be making insensitive comments herself.

Repeat after me - being open and honest about what you need to protect your mental health should not offend other adults p

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The entire reason not to insist on arriving at someone’s home five hours before being invited is always mental health of your host. They don’t want you to come at that time they want you to come later. If you come long before you are invited they will be less happy than if you come later. No one who is an adult should be insulted by this obvious fact

Not everyone understands these basic manners, it seems.

Whoever taught you manners failed. It's a pity that you think it's good manners to tell people that they are affecting your sanity by coming early (like they usually do).

Why do you keep insisting that they usually come early on Christmas Eve when op clearly said this is the first Christmas Eve they have stayed?
Op said they always arrive early which is something that clearly needs to be addressed and for some reason the basic reason why people don’t arrive hours early had to be explained which was awkward
This is something that should not need to be verbalized

They always arrive early because they think they are welcomed whenever they arrive. That is the nature of their relationship with OP's family.
Maybe it was rude at the begining but once it's gone on for long enough, there seems to be an understanding that it is acceptable behavior. It's okay for OP to decide that she has had enough of it(it's great actually). But there are better ways to communicate this. OP did her best, and it's okay. Now she has it off her chest, and hopefully her PIL and her DH can get it straight.

But to pretend like that is the polite way to communicate this is ridiculous. OP will be fine. MIL will be fine. But if OP gets hurt by insensitive comments, she shouldn't be making insensitive comments herself.

LOL. If OP came here saying her in-laws always arrive too early and it stresses her out, everyone would be telling her it's her fault for not setting boundaries. OP sets boundaries, and now people are telling her she's wrong for setting boundaries.

But I get it, you need to make OP feel like shit so you're not the only one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The entire reason not to insist on arriving at someone’s home five hours before being invited is always mental health of your host. They don’t want you to come at that time they want you to come later. If you come long before you are invited they will be less happy than if you come later. No one who is an adult should be insulted by this obvious fact

Not everyone understands these basic manners, it seems.

Whoever taught you manners failed. It's a pity that you think it's good manners to tell people that they are affecting your sanity by coming early (like they usually do).

This thread is so interesting in its inconsistencies. On the one hand, people are arguing that the in-laws should be treated as such close family that they should be allowed to come and go as the please regardless of OP's needs or preferences. But on the other hand, they should be treated as polite acquaintances to whom should need confide that things have been stressful and you're feeling overwhelmed.

So you confide in your close ones by telling them that seeing them early affects your sanity. Interesting...

It makes sense that you see inconsistencies. I don't talk to my loved ones like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, NP.

And you cannot just act like telling your PIL that their time of arrival at your house on Christmas eve affects your sanity is normal.

NP again. Yes, you can. “I’ve been finishing up a ton of projects at work, and Jim and I haven’t had a chance to get the house in order. I can’t wait to celebrate with you, but I don’t feel good about the state of the house, and won’t be ready for guests until 5 p.m. Oh, of course, I didn’t think about the daylight factor while driving—how about arriving at 4 p.m., it’s definitely still light by then. Thank you for understanding that I need some extra time to get ready. By the time we sit down to dinner on Christmas Eve, I’ll be ready to go into holiday mode, especially since you are bringing yummy pies!”

I’ve had conversations just like this with my mom and MIL, who both were thankfully working moms themselves who get it.

Well, maybe you should give OP some lessons in communication.

I am a working mother too, and I would never tell my MIL that her coming earlier will help me with my sanity. I have been known to cook one dish for Christmas and then buy other stuff. Everyone is still happy with what I cook. My aunts are known to cook a million dishes, and everyone is still happy. Nobody has ever missed Christmas at my house because I don't cook as much or as well as my aunts.

NP again. Isn’t that nice that your family is that flexible and helpful? Wouldn’t it be super great if everyone was? Do you see how some families might have different people in them, with different expectations and levels of helpfulness and ways of behaving? Or is the whole world just measured by your personal yardstick? For example, while my ILs are generally nice and helpful, my sister’s MIL is a bit obnoxious in that she insists on traditional Swedish dishes at the holidays, but can no longer cook, and expects my sister and BIL to provide all these extra dishes that literally no one else in the family enjoys, and pouts if they aren’t on the table. Do you see how People Are Different From You?