I finally set a boundary with in laws and they made me feel bad

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:At the end of the day, this comes down to what is important to you. I used to stress about having everything prepped, but then realized that I’d rather spend time with my in-laws than have everything look perfect, and that I could actually learn from my MIL when it came to making everything look perfect but doing 100x less work, as she had years of experience doing this same thing.

Today, my ILs come whenever they make it through the traffic, and they help prep everything so that I can get my relaxation in faster. They also bring lots of wine, etc, to make the prep fun. But that’s all because we have a good relationship that we both worked to build. Not everyone can do that.

Great post. Unfortunately OP is in the "not everyone can do that" category. Too much navel gazing and too little respect for others, especially her elders.

Respect should be mutual
Respect doesn’t mean your feelings don’t matter
That’s not healthy for anyone

It looks like OP got the respect she was looking for. Her PILs will come later. Is this not what OP wanted? Is this healthy for everyone? Is OP feeling better now?

Better than if she had to see her rude MIL all day instead of just for a few hours today. Cheers, OP! Hope you’re having a good day.

PIL are coming later. OP has enough time to clean, cook, decorate and vent on DCUM. Yay!

DP. Good. After the year OP seemingly has had, she deserves a few hours to get ready for Christmas the way she wants to.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Yes, NP.

And you cannot just act like telling your PIL that their time of arrival at your house on Christmas eve affects your sanity is normal.

NP again. Yes, you can. “I’ve been finishing up a ton of projects at work, and Jim and I haven’t had a chance to get the house in order. I can’t wait to celebrate with you, but I don’t feel good about the state of the house, and won’t be ready for guests until 5 p.m. Oh, of course, I didn’t think about the daylight factor while driving—how about arriving at 4 p.m., it’s definitely still light by then. Thank you for understanding that I need some extra time to get ready. By the time we sit down to dinner on Christmas Eve, I’ll be ready to go into holiday mode, especially since you are bringing yummy pies!”

I’ve had conversations just like this with my mom and MIL, who both were thankfully working moms themselves who get it.

Well, maybe you should give OP some lessons in communication.

I am a working mother too, and I would never tell my MIL that her coming earlier will help me with my sanity. I have been known to cook one dish for Christmas and then buy other stuff. Everyone is still happy with what I cook. My aunts are known to cook a million dishes, and everyone is still happy. Nobody has ever missed Christmas at my house because I don't cook as much or as well as my aunts.

NP again. Isn’t that nice that your family is that flexible and helpful? Wouldn’t it be super great if everyone was? Do you see how some families might have different people in them, with different expectations and levels of helpfulness and ways of behaving? Or is the whole world just measured by your personal yardstick? For example, while my ILs are generally nice and helpful, my sister’s MIL is a bit obnoxious in that she insists on traditional Swedish dishes at the holidays, but can no longer cook, and expects my sister and BIL to provide all these extra dishes that literally no one else in the family enjoys, and pouts if they aren’t on the table. Do you see how People Are Different From You?

Oh sweetheart, nobody is putting you in jail or fining you for not providing all the "extras".

Stop creating matyr situations for yourselves and then blaming others.

Yes, some people like you, your sister, your BIL and OP are doormats. But you can be a doormat and an asshole at the same time.

NP again. I see you resorted to “sweetheart,” so it’s pretty clear you have nothing constructive or interesting to say. And I’m not sure where you go that I’m a martyr when I said I have no problems with my ILs, who are kind and helpful! So wait, and also I’m a doormat? You’re all over the place. I hope you get a chance to rest over the holiday and regroup. It seems you are quite out of sorts from grasping at so many straws. Take care, now.

Yes, you are a doormat and an asshole. You just got lucky with your in laws. You will be doing the same thing your sister is doing in her position and then complaining about it.

Imagine using that tone in your post and then commenting on my tone, you asshole. You and OP will make great friends!

Oh man, triggered. She set a trap for you, and you hopped right in it. :popcorn:

So you are all for setting boundaries with traps and insults. Then you cry foul when others insult you Enjoy your popcorn.

Not the poster you were arguing with. You seem to have a hard time accepting that most of us think you are a troll. But an amusing troll!

I am glad you are amused. I'd rather you laugh than whine about being insulted. Even assholes need laughs during the holidays. Enjoy!

Oh, don’t strain that hard…that vein is beginning to twitch over your eye. Do you think everyone is OP or something? It’s very odd that you don’t get that many people are responding to you.

What gave you that impression?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At the end of the day, this comes down to what is important to you. I used to stress about having everything prepped, but then realized that I’d rather spend time with my in-laws than have everything look perfect, and that I could actually learn from my MIL when it came to making everything look perfect but doing 100x less work, as she had years of experience doing this same thing.

Today, my ILs come whenever they make it through the traffic, and they help prep everything so that I can get my relaxation in faster. They also bring lots of wine, etc, to make the prep fun. But that’s all because we have a good relationship that we both worked to build. Not everyone can do that.

Great post. Unfortunately OP is in the "not everyone can do that" category. Too much navel gazing and too little respect for others, especially her elders.

Respect should be mutual
Respect doesn’t mean your feelings don’t matter
That’s not healthy for anyone

It looks like OP got the respect she was looking for. Her PILs will come later. Is this not what OP wanted? Is this healthy for everyone? Is OP feeling better now?

Better than if she had to see her rude MIL all day instead of just for a few hours today. Cheers, OP! Hope you’re having a good day.

PIL are coming later. OP has enough time to clean, cook, decorate and vent on DCUM. Yay!

DP. Good. After the year OP seemingly has had, she deserves a few hours to get ready for Christmas the way she wants to.

Hooray!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At the end of the day, this comes down to what is important to you. I used to stress about having everything prepped, but then realized that I’d rather spend time with my in-laws than have everything look perfect, and that I could actually learn from my MIL when it came to making everything look perfect but doing 100x less work, as she had years of experience doing this same thing.

Today, my ILs come whenever they make it through the traffic, and they help prep everything so that I can get my relaxation in faster. They also bring lots of wine, etc, to make the prep fun. But that’s all because we have a good relationship that we both worked to build. Not everyone can do that.

Great post. Unfortunately OP is in the "not everyone can do that" category. Too much navel gazing and too little respect for others, especially her elders.

DP.

For some, it's more important to have a perfectly set up house and so much food that some will end up being thrown away.

For some, it's important to have part of a day off instead of getting home from work and needing to be prepared for guests at 10 am with no down time. Many of us are called introverts. Others of us are just tired.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:5pm????

Was dinner going to be on the table waiting for them? Gosh, they'd be starving! We will be having appetizers and sipping wine 2-5pm. You're weird OP. Just accept the fact that because you are hosting, you shouldn't wait until Xmas eve to get your home ready. And if you do, well, it's gonna be not prepared, but starving your in laws is not a solution.

Many people work on Christmas Eve.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At the end of the day, this comes down to what is important to you. I used to stress about having everything prepped, but then realized that I’d rather spend time with my in-laws than have everything look perfect, and that I could actually learn from my MIL when it came to making everything look perfect but doing 100x less work, as she had years of experience doing this same thing.

Today, my ILs come whenever they make it through the traffic, and they help prep everything so that I can get my relaxation in faster. They also bring lots of wine, etc, to make the prep fun. But that’s all because we have a good relationship that we both worked to build. Not everyone can do that.

Great post. Unfortunately OP is in the "not everyone can do that" category. Too much navel gazing and too little respect for others, especially her elders.

DP.

For some, it's more important to have a perfectly set up house and so much food that some will end up being thrown away.

For some, it's important to have part of a day off instead of getting home from work and needing to be prepared for guests at 10 am with no down time. Many of us are called introverts. Others of us are just tired.

Good for OP then! She has down time now! Mission accomplished!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At the end of the day, this comes down to what is important to you. I used to stress about having everything prepped, but then realized that I’d rather spend time with my in-laws than have everything look perfect, and that I could actually learn from my MIL when it came to making everything look perfect but doing 100x less work, as she had years of experience doing this same thing.

Today, my ILs come whenever they make it through the traffic, and they help prep everything so that I can get my relaxation in faster. They also bring lots of wine, etc, to make the prep fun. But that’s all because we have a good relationship that we both worked to build. Not everyone can do that.

Great post. Unfortunately OP is in the "not everyone can do that" category. Too much navel gazing and too little respect for others, especially her elders.

Respect should be mutual
Respect doesn’t mean your feelings don’t matter
That’s not healthy for anyone

It looks like OP got the respect she was looking for. Her PILs will come later. Is this not what OP wanted? Is this healthy for everyone? Is OP feeling better now?

Better than if she had to see her rude MIL all day instead of just for a few hours today. Cheers, OP! Hope you’re having a good day.

PIL are coming later. OP has enough time to clean, cook, decorate and vent on DCUM. Yay!

Awww, are you the MIL no one wants to be around? Because you sure seem to have tons of time to devote to this thread. I can tell because no one else says “PIL” but you; most of us just say ILs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:5pm????

Was dinner going to be on the table waiting for them? Gosh, they'd be starving! We will be having appetizers and sipping wine 2-5pm. You're weird OP. Just accept the fact that because you are hosting, you shouldn't wait until Xmas eve to get your home ready. And if you do, well, it's gonna be not prepared, but starving your in laws is not a solution.

Many people work on Christmas Eve.

NP. Plus, in what universe are people “starving” for dinner at 5 p.m.? First off, ILs are arriving at 4, not 5. Second, 5 p.m. is for many people cocktail hour, not dinner time. So maybe some cheese and crackers and a glass of wine will take care of anyone who is “starving.” My dad goes to bed earlier than any adult I know, and not even he expects dinner until 6 or 6:30 at the earliest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At the end of the day, this comes down to what is important to you. I used to stress about having everything prepped, but then realized that I’d rather spend time with my in-laws than have everything look perfect, and that I could actually learn from my MIL when it came to making everything look perfect but doing 100x less work, as she had years of experience doing this same thing.

Today, my ILs come whenever they make it through the traffic, and they help prep everything so that I can get my relaxation in faster. They also bring lots of wine, etc, to make the prep fun. But that’s all because we have a good relationship that we both worked to build. Not everyone can do that.

Great post. Unfortunately OP is in the "not everyone can do that" category. Too much navel gazing and too little respect for others, especially her elders.

Respect should be mutual
Respect doesn’t mean your feelings don’t matter
That’s not healthy for anyone

It looks like OP got the respect she was looking for. Her PILs will come later. Is this not what OP wanted? Is this healthy for everyone? Is OP feeling better now?

Better than if she had to see her rude MIL all day instead of just for a few hours today. Cheers, OP! Hope you’re having a good day.

PIL are coming later. OP has enough time to clean, cook, decorate and vent on DCUM. Yay!

Awww, are you the MIL no one wants to be around? Because you sure seem to have tons of time to devote to this thread. I can tell because no one else says “PIL” but you; most of us just say ILs.

Actually, I saw it used earlier in this thread, and I took it. I like it! Is that a problem?

Maybe I am that MIL. Who knows? I still have time. My kids are 8 and 6. I am relaxing. I am an introvert so being alone is pretty refreshing for me, so I will be glad to come over later rather than earlier

My aunt is hosting our Christmas eve dinner. She likes cooking, and she does not think I cook too well(she will never say it but I know. lol). So Dh and I are in charge of drinks. I'll bring cake as well, just for an extra touch. My other aunt will cook some of the food. My siblings will bring something as well. MY ILs will bring something as well. I'll help with clean up after dinner. That's my thing. I love cleaning.

I just called my aunt and asked her when we should come over. She asked me "When do you want to come?". I laughed out loud. She did not understand what was funny. Different strokes for different folks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is the weirdest thread
No wonder so many women feel depressed and overwhelmed and burned out
If you ever say no, if you ever put your needs first, if you ever say the phrase ‘mental health’ out loud you get excoriated. Not just by your family who may belittle your needs, but by strangers on the internet apparently
We are 2 years into a pandemic. As if working ft with 2 kids generally isn’t enough pressure
Women need to stop abusing each other by setting impossible expectations that if you don’t meet, you are a bad person. Everyone loses

Why host if you feel so much pressure? Sincere question.

The pandemic would have been the perfect excuse to just take the day off and rest.

I imagine if the mil gets angry about being asked to come in the afternoon on Xmas eve, not hosting was not on the table for op
I dont think hosting is the issue here. Is like saying ‘if you don’t want people to come 6 hours early then don’t have a birthday dinner’

Would MIL have beaten her up for not hosting? What does this mean?

MIL and FIl have been coming over earlier. OP sends a text a day before to change plans, and you and her are surprised that the message is not well received?

The issue is unreasonable expectations that OP has set for herself, her DH, her MIL etc(too little expectations for her DH and too much for herself and her MIL)

OP has not changed plans. She stated that they always come earlier than she asked despite what she says. These folks are disrespectful. She finally put her foot down on them coming hours earlier and said, no 4pm, I need the time. And she got back the snide mental health remark. Honestly the reaction on here is surprising to me and making the situation seem worse and in all the wrong direction. Just because a driver gets away with driving through red lights doesn’t mean that at some point the government won’t issue a ticket!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is the weirdest thread
No wonder so many women feel depressed and overwhelmed and burned out
If you ever say no, if you ever put your needs first, if you ever say the phrase ‘mental health’ out loud you get excoriated. Not just by your family who may belittle your needs, but by strangers on the internet apparently
We are 2 years into a pandemic. As if working ft with 2 kids generally isn’t enough pressure
Women need to stop abusing each other by setting impossible expectations that if you don’t meet, you are a bad person. Everyone loses

Why host if you feel so much pressure? Sincere question.

The pandemic would have been the perfect excuse to just take the day off and rest.

I imagine if the mil gets angry about being asked to come in the afternoon on Xmas eve, not hosting was not on the table for op
I dont think hosting is the issue here. Is like saying ‘if you don’t want people to come 6 hours early then don’t have a birthday dinner’

Would MIL have beaten her up for not hosting? What does this mean?

MIL and FIl have been coming over earlier. OP sends a text a day before to change plans, and you and her are surprised that the message is not well received?

The issue is unreasonable expectations that OP has set for herself, her DH, her MIL etc(too little expectations for her DH and too much for herself and her MIL)

OP has not changed plans. She stated that they always come earlier than she asked despite what she says. These folks are disrespectful. She finally put her foot down on them coming hours earlier and said, no 4pm, I need the time. And she got back the snide mental health remark. Honestly the reaction on here is surprising to me and making the situation seem worse and in all the wrong direction. Just because a driver gets away with driving through red lights doesn’t mean that at some point the government won’t issue a ticket!

Nope. She did not state that they come over earlier than she says they should. She stated that they come over earlier than she would like. She stated that she asked DH to tell them when to come over, and he has failed to do so on several occasions.

In the school example in one of her post, she states that they come over at 2:30pm even though she told them the kids are out at 5:30pm. She does not mention telling them not to come over too early because it will disrupt her work schedule. They should know better, no question about that. But it is different than saying "don't come over before 5:30 pm".

I have told my sister this before: "don't come over before 2:00pm. I need to get some work done before you arrive" because she came over to see my kids one time while I was trying to finish up my work. She is not disrespectful. She was just unaware that I couldn't concentrate with her and the kids playing around. She can do her work in noise, and she thought I was similar. I am not, so I let her know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is the weirdest thread
No wonder so many women feel depressed and overwhelmed and burned out
If you ever say no, if you ever put your needs first, if you ever say the phrase ‘mental health’ out loud you get excoriated. Not just by your family who may belittle your needs, but by strangers on the internet apparently
We are 2 years into a pandemic. As if working ft with 2 kids generally isn’t enough pressure
Women need to stop abusing each other by setting impossible expectations that if you don’t meet, you are a bad person. Everyone loses

Why host if you feel so much pressure? Sincere question.

The pandemic would have been the perfect excuse to just take the day off and rest.

I imagine if the mil gets angry about being asked to come in the afternoon on Xmas eve, not hosting was not on the table for op
I dont think hosting is the issue here. Is like saying ‘if you don’t want people to come 6 hours early then don’t have a birthday dinner’

Would MIL have beaten her up for not hosting? What does this mean?

MIL and FIl have been coming over earlier. OP sends a text a day before to change plans, and you and her are surprised that the message is not well received?

The issue is unreasonable expectations that OP has set for herself, her DH, her MIL etc(too little expectations for her DH and too much for herself and her MIL)

Op - there is no tradition of them coming over at a certain time on Christmas Eve. This is the first time they have ever stayed on xmas eve bc we never used to have the space
They just typically arrive several hours before dh has communicated to arrive at all times. Even if half way through the working day.
To me it’s really odd and inconsiderate. I figured it was a long standing miscommunication/ that dh hadn’t been clear ever. But experiencing it for myself what I found is they do hear but don’t want to be respectful of arrival times if not convenient for them.
I just fundamentally think that’s not fair, I would not do that to them

What does that mean specifically? How is the arrival time not convenient? Usually there is a mutual agreement about the timing of things it's not a formal invitation but should be convenient to BOTH parties. You're leaving something out.

I mean I’m not sure how to explain why a 3 hour early arrival time is not convenient
For example they are coming over to see the kids when they get home from aftercare. We say - the kids will be home at 530 so come then. But they come at 230. Dh and I are both working out of a small apartment and pil then sit in the living room watching loud tv, which means one of dh and I has to do hours of zoom calls from a bunk bed. That’s just one (real life) example

DP.

So you cannot see how coming over at 5:30 means getting stuck in traffic vs. coming over at 2:30?

Why cant your DH just tell them that weekday visits for the children does not work for you?

Not Op, but I can imagine that PILs would cry that they don’t get to see the children and blah blah blah. What OP described above is simply not acceptable. It’s the equivalent of parents showing up to the office midday to kick it and OP has to move to the lobby to do her work…just no. This is a boundary, respect and husband issue.

OP, I hope that you enjoy your holidays, relax and release. Do not enter this situation tensely. Just let it roll off your back. And definitely take a few days off after the kids are back in school so that you can be by yourself for a few hours. I am planning to do just that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry that it sounds like you have a difficult relationship with your in laws. But my parents truly do have more difficulty driving after dark. The difference between 4 and 5 pm isn’t that big, but the difference with driving in daylight vs dark is significant for many older people.

This part. You must hate your in-laws. My mother has been here for three days and we’ve been fussing nonstop but damn if she said or if I already knew she had trouble driving in the dark I damn sure wouldn’t have been petty enough to tell her just come an hour earlier.
OMG! Does your husband like his parents?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry OP that your in-laws are being difficult. I totally agree with not asking elders to drive in the dark but you did modify your request to 4pm arrival which addressed that concern.

Sometimes I think elders forget that their DIL's work full time as most MIL's did not work in addition to running their house.

Where f*** are you from that you can claim “most” MIL did not work???
WTF!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:5pm????

Was dinner going to be on the table waiting for them? Gosh, they'd be starving! We will be having appetizers and sipping wine 2-5pm. You're weird OP. Just accept the fact that because you are hosting, you shouldn't wait until Xmas eve to get your home ready. And if you do, well, it's gonna be not prepared, but starving your in laws is not a solution.

Many people work on Christmas Eve.

NP. Plus, in what universe are people “starving” for dinner at 5 p.m.? First off, ILs are arriving at 4, not 5. Second, 5 p.m. is for many people cocktail hour, not dinner time. So maybe some cheese and crackers and a glass of wine will take care of anyone who is “starving.” My dad goes to bed earlier than any adult I know, and not even he expects dinner until 6 or 6:30 at the earliest.

^^^ This. I’m sorry but no one in my family is early-bird-menu old, even my eighty year old parents, and we all hope never to get there. Cocktails at four, dinner between 7-8 (7 for Xmas Eve so there’s time for dessert before kid bedtime)