I finally set a boundary with in laws and they made me feel bad

[Anonymous]

OP, I recommend that you have a response ready in case your MIL says something when she comes to your house. She is still learning about your boundaries, so don't be surprised if she says something like "Well, we would have liked to come earlier. I hope our later arrival helped your mental health."

In this instance, I think less is more. Just respond "Yup!" and move along. Do NOT give an explanation for why you wanted them to come later. It is your house, you set the boundaries. You don't need to explain yourself to others.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry OP that your in-laws are being difficult. I totally agree with not asking elders to drive in the dark but you did modify your request to 4pm arrival which addressed that concern.

Sometimes I think elders forget that their DIL's work full time as most MIL's did not work in addition to running their house.

[Anonymous]

Just because MIL is passing out the guilt doesn’t mean you need to take it. Be prepared that she will make some comment when she arrives. Have this in your back pocket: “Yes, I do appreciate you arriving at this time. Is there something more you need to hear? No? Okay great. Dinner is an hour.”
Don’t take the bait.

+1

You set the boundary and she sniped and is likely to continue to snipe, but you do not have to respond. Act as though she reacted respectfully to your request. You know your ask was fair.

You feel bad, but intellectually, do you think you did something bad? Was it wrong of you to ask a guest to come a little bit later so you could prepare? No? Then acknowledge the bad feeling, but remind yourself that you didn't do anything to harm them, and keep going with your holiday celebration.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents in law have always arrived way too early. It makes me crazy and has done for years. I always leave it to dh to clarify expectations and he always chickens out. This time they are coming for Xmas to stay over and I texted mil myself and said you’re welcome to come any time tomorrow after 5p - looking fwd to it. She called and said we want to come earlier cos it is too dark to drive. I said how about 4p,I need tomorrow to get things ready. She said we won’t be in your way - I was forced to say look I’ve been working full time and need a minute to do things to prep and get them sorted before visitors just to keep my sanity. And she made some comment about well we wouldn’t want to interfere with your mental health. I’m so frustrated. If a host invites you to come at a certain time you don’t call them and argue and make them justify it and feel guilty no?

I don't think what dhe said was so bad. I would have responded nicely "thanks for understanding..see you at 4"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To be clear I totally get the driving in the dark - why I said come at 4p (then they drive in the light and arrive at 4). She said no we want to come earlier than that.

Right, but maybe they’re stressed that it’s getting dark. My father is like this. He’s super anxious.

[Anonymous]

If they’re coming from a few hours away or more, I would never give someone an arrival time. They drive when it’s convenient for them based on preferences and traffic conditions, and you graciously accept them whenever they get there. If they’re coming from like from a few towns over? Yeah, absolutely fine to set an arrival time. If it was the second scenario, pat yourself on the back for setting and sticking to boundaries, try to let it go, and enjoy your holiday.

[Anonymous]

I think the important piece of information is that OP says they have historically done this to her. It’s obviously the IL’s are doing what they want and DH won’t stand up to them. So, I say good job, OP! You stayed strong but compromised a bit too.

I’ve had this happen with my family (both sides) where their needs are a priority - never mine. For example, MIL would “need” a ride to the airport at 5 am Christmas morning because flights were cheaper and an Uber was too impersonal on Christmas! We finally said that’s not working for us - and she started making more reasonable flight times. We were just very matter-of-fact. It’s not easy to set those boundaries, but it has to happen, and it’s worth the outcome.

[Anonymous]

5pm????

Was dinner going to be on the table waiting for them? Gosh, they'd be starving! We will be having appetizers and sipping wine 2-5pm. You're weird OP. Just accept the fact that because you are hosting, you shouldn't wait until Xmas eve to get your home ready. And if you do, well, it's gonna be not prepared, but starving your in laws is not a solution.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:5pm????

Was dinner going to be on the table waiting for them? Gosh, they'd be starving! We will be having appetizers and sipping wine 2-5pm. You're weird OP. Just accept the fact that because you are hosting, you shouldn't wait until Xmas eve to get your home ready. And if you do, well, it's gonna be not prepared, but starving your in laws is not a solution.

What?
I don’t know what your specific Christmas Eve tradition is that has very specific timings but it is not universal.

[Anonymous]

If your MIL says something sarcastic like that just pretend it’s sincere.

“Okay well we wouldn’t want to interfere with your mental health.”

“Thank you, Moopsie! I appreciate you being flexible with arrival time. It will really help me have the house prepared and ready to welcome you. I wish we got the 23rd off of work to prepare but of course we need me to keep my job.”

[Anonymous]

Be prepared with some replies OP!

Usually just saying “Okay.” And cheerfully letting things roll off your back works well to deflate these types of comments. Think of it as a game. She’s trying to needle you and you can’t let her win.

One or two times during the visit you could look concerned and say simply. “How are you doing Barb? Is everything okay health wise?” Follow up with “it’s okay. We don’t have to talk about it now.” You could reframe how you talk about it to your husband too: “Has MIL seen a doctor recently? She seemed really afraid to drive in the afternoon.” Mention that a friend said one of the early signs of dementia in her mom was rigidity with schedules and insisting on dropping mail directly at the post office first thing in the morning.” Things like that.

Play the game. I guarantee “Concern” will annoy her much more than anything else you could say.

[Anonymous]

“Thank you for coming! We’re so happy you could make it!”

“I hope driving in the afternoon wasn’t too stressful for you? It’s such a beautiful day!”

[Anonymous]

Your MIL makes a valid point about driving in the dark and you dig in, OP, not being able to concede that she is right. Then you come here seeking validation. Huh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:5pm????

Was dinner going to be on the table waiting for them? Gosh, they'd be starving! We will be having appetizers and sipping wine 2-5pm. You're weird OP. Just accept the fact that because you are hosting, you shouldn't wait until Xmas eve to get your home ready. And if you do, well, it's gonna be not prepared, but starving your in laws is not a solution.

I doubt OP was planning to starve her in-laws. 5pm is a pretty normal time to arrive for dinner. I would assume adults can manage their appetites with snacks but honestly 5pm is completely normal….

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your MIL makes a valid point about driving in the dark and you dig in, OP, not being able to concede that she is right. Then you come here seeking validation. Huh.

For the 19th time, OP offered to move the arrival time to 4pm. Unless OP lives in Finland, it is NOT dark at any moment leading up to 4pm.