I finally set a boundary with in laws and they made me feel bad

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She had a good line she used against you and it got under your skin. MIL 1 You 0.

Sorry OP but this was MIL is very Everybody Loves Raymond-ish. Expect this to come up again and prep your witty comeback. Anything linking mental health and serial killer gets you 2 points in my book!

You were perfectly reasonable. It is not dark at 4pm. Now, please come back and tell us what time they actually show up.

Yes, work very hard to not let this get under your skin. Prepare your own comeback. My guess is she will show up whatever time she wants to anyway so tell your husband that he needs to have the house cleaned/prepped/whatever the day before, for HIS FAMILY.

I have a much more relaxed Christmas now that I let my husband deal with everything involving his family. If my MIL says something, I point out that he must not have been raised very well! By the way, it only took a few of these pointed comments to my MIL to get her to STFU. She knows she can't push me around. We still have a good relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She had a good line she used against you and it got under your skin. MIL 1 You 0.

Yup.

[Anonymous]

OP—no one makes you feel anything. You’re choosing to feel bad. Make a different choice. To your MIL’s snarky comment about your mental health, I would have responded with “Thanks so much Madge! I appreciate that. See you at 4pm. Gotta go. Bye!”

Just because MIL is passing out the guilt doesn’t mean you need to take it. Be prepared that she will make some comment when she arrives. Have this in your back pocket: “Yes, I do appreciate you arriving at this time. Is there something more you need to hear? No? Okay great. Dinner is an hour.”
Don’t take the bait.

[Anonymous]

It’s not dark at 4pm, people.

[Anonymous]

That's a nasty comment from MIL and I am usually someone who thinks DCUMs DILs are control freak weirdos.

[Anonymous]

How far is the drive? Are they trying to avoid traffic? This is such a small potatoes thing you're looking for a reason to be mad and found one. Invite them in then tell them you need to "freshen up" and spend some alone time in your room.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How far is the drive? Are they trying to avoid traffic? This is such a small potatoes thing you're looking for a reason to be mad and found one. Invite them in then tell them you need to "freshen up" and spend some alone time in your room.

There is no traffic on tbe drive
I don’t want to hide in my room. I want to use my house to get ready for them and for Christmas. I think it is reasonable when you have guests to ask them to arrive at a certain time on Christmas Eve. People have things to prepare

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To be clear I totally get the driving in the dark - why I said come at 4p (then they drive in the light and arrive at 4). She said no we want to come earlier than that.

You're fine, don't worry. It isn't dark at 4pm lol (or even 5), most of these responses are just people doing the usual thing where they are desperate to argue with / blame the OP. I guess it's fun, I don't know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How far is the drive? Are they trying to avoid traffic? This is such a small potatoes thing you're looking for a reason to be mad and found one. Invite them in then tell them you need to "freshen up" and spend some alone time in your room.

There is no traffic on tbe drive
I don’t want to hide in my room. I want to use my house to get ready for them and for Christmas. I think it is reasonable when you have guests to ask them to arrive at a certain time on Christmas Eve. People have things to prepare

OP, no one is questioning the boundary you set. It was 1000% reasonable. The responses you are getting are not questioning that. They are, instead, focused on these two things:
—You choosing to respond to MIL’s rude comment and feel guilty. Stop.
—Being prepared for more comments that will likely come.

You can’t change the fact that she was rude or that she has a different opinion about when she should arrive. Stop focusing on that. Instead focus on what you can change and control: How you respond. That’s it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry that it sounds like you have a difficult relationship with your in laws. But my parents truly do have more difficulty driving after dark. The difference between 4 and 5 pm isn’t that big, but the difference with driving in daylight vs dark is significant for many older people.

And OP said she was okay with them coming at 4pm. It’s 100% light outside at 4pm and if they arrive at 4 they’re realistically driving around 3 (or earlier!) It’s not about driving at night, that was just an excuse to arrive first thing in the morning.

The thing about boundaries OP, is that you have to stop caring about their reaction—you focus on what you can control—your own actions. Then you let it go and you’re happy and ready to enjoy the holidays when they arrive at the time that works for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP—no one makes you feel anything. You’re choosing to feel bad. Make a different choice. To your MIL’s snarky comment about your mental health, I would have responded with “Thanks so much Madge! I appreciate that. See you at 4pm. Gotta go. Bye!”

Just because MIL is passing out the guilt doesn’t mean you need to take it. Be prepared that she will make some comment when she arrives. Have this in your back pocket: “Yes, I do appreciate you arriving at this time. Is there something more you need to hear? No? Okay great. Dinner is an hour.”
Don’t take the bait.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How far is the drive? Are they trying to avoid traffic? This is such a small potatoes thing you're looking for a reason to be mad and found one. Invite them in then tell them you need to "freshen up" and spend some alone time in your room.

There is no traffic on tbe drive
I don’t want to hide in my room. I want to use my house to get ready for them and for Christmas. I think it is reasonable when you have guests to ask them to arrive at a certain time on Christmas Eve. People have things to prepare

OP, no one is questioning the boundary you set. It was 1000% reasonable. The responses you are getting are not questioning that. They are, instead, focused on these two things:
—You choosing to respond to MIL’s rude comment and feel guilty. Stop.
—Being prepared for more comments that will likely come.

You can’t change the fact that she was rude or that she has a different opinion about when she should arrive. Stop focusing on that. Instead focus on what you can change and control: How you respond. That’s it.

True.
Part of this is that they have done this for years. I think it is quite stressful to arrive early when you are invited somewhere and I do resent it. It feels like you are saying to your host - I don’t respect your plans/ needs/ time - I dunno. This is really the first time I made a point to set the boundary bc I am trying to protect my own ability to do all the things and actually enjoy the holiday. You are all right that the work is in not letting it get to me but it is hard - she is a v nice person but this disregard for others schedules has always stressed me out a lot

[Anonymous]

There's a difference between setting boundaries and needing to control a situation. An hour or two early will not break you. Ask your DH for help TODAY.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There's a difference between setting boundaries and needing to control a situation. An hour or two early will not break you. Ask your DH for help TODAY.

What is the difference in this case?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is how it feels to set boundaries with people who don't want to respect them. Keep it up, you're doing great. (Except maybe for the husband part....)

+1. You sound like you’re hosting a lovely overnight visit and merely want a little time to get ready. Who doesn’t feel stressed when they’re trying to prep and guests are showing up. I know I do. You sound like you just want everyone to have a nice time, including yourself. Reasonable!

MIL’s comment is prolly exactly why DH chickens out every year. That’s uncool and you should tell him (maybe after Christmas is over…)