I finally set a boundary with in laws and they made me feel bad

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is the weirdest thread
No wonder so many women feel depressed and overwhelmed and burned out
If you ever say no, if you ever put your needs first, if you ever say the phrase ‘mental health’ out loud you get excoriated. Not just by your family who may belittle your needs, but by strangers on the internet apparently
We are 2 years into a pandemic. As if working ft with 2 kids generally isn’t enough pressure
Women need to stop abusing each other by setting impossible expectations that if you don’t meet, you are a bad person. Everyone loses

Why host if you feel so much pressure? Sincere question.

The pandemic would have been the perfect excuse to just take the day off and rest.

I imagine if the mil gets angry about being asked to come in the afternoon on Xmas eve, not hosting was not on the table for op
I dont think hosting is the issue here. Is like saying ‘if you don’t want people to come 6 hours early then don’t have a birthday dinner’

Would MIL have beaten her up for not hosting? What does this mean?

MIL and FIl have been coming over earlier. OP sends a text a day before to change plans, and you and her are surprised that the message is not well received?

The issue is unreasonable expectations that OP has set for herself, her DH, her MIL etc(too little expectations for her DH and too much for herself and her MIL)

Op - there is no tradition of them coming over at a certain time on Christmas Eve. This is the first time they have ever stayed on xmas eve bc we never used to have the space
They just typically arrive several hours before dh has communicated to arrive at all times. Even if half way through the working day.
To me it’s really odd and inconsiderate. I figured it was a long standing miscommunication/ that dh hadn’t been clear ever. But experiencing it for myself what I found is they do hear but don’t want to be respectful of arrival times if not convenient for them.
I just fundamentally think that’s not fair, I would not do that to them

What does that mean specifically? How is the arrival time not convenient? Usually there is a mutual agreement about the timing of things it's not a formal invitation but should be convenient to BOTH parties. You're leaving something out.

I mean I’m not sure how to explain why a 3 hour early arrival time is not convenient
For example they are coming over to see the kids when they get home from aftercare. We say - the kids will be home at 530 so come then. But they come at 230. Dh and I are both working out of a small apartment and pil then sit in the living room watching loud tv, which means one of dh and I has to do hours of zoom calls from a bunk bed. That’s just one (real life) example

DP.

So you cannot see how coming over at 5:30 means getting stuck in traffic vs. coming over at 2:30?

Why cant your DH just tell them that weekday visits for the children does not work for you?

Not Op, but I can imagine that PILs would cry that they don’t get to see the children and blah blah blah. What OP described above is simply not acceptable. It’s the equivalent of parents showing up to the office midday to kick it and OP has to move to the lobby to do her work…just no. This is a boundary, respect and husband issue.

OP, I hope that you enjoy your holidays, relax and release. Do not enter this situation tensely. Just let it roll off your back. And definitely take a few days off after the kids are back in school so that you can be by yourself for a few hours. I am planning to do just that.

So what if they cry? It's either you can tell them to show up when it's a good time for you or you tell them that you are not available on that day.

You don't keep quiet and then use it against them at some later incident.

[Anonymous]

If DH was laid off twice, it is possible he went to his parents for money. You may not even know about this. He may not have told you, yet the inlaws may be feeling a certain sense of possession.

[Anonymous]

My brother learned to lock the door to keep parents from "dropping by". And not making it obvious that they were home. It took months of training the parents but it eventually worked. In the beginning Dad would just hang out on the deck, also trying other doors to see if they were open. That type of thing. Eventually though, Mom & Dad learned to come when invited. And my Brother invites them often, just not unannounced.

Mom & Dad might mention the situation occasionally in conversation with others but no one pays them any attention when they talk about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents in law have always arrived way too early. It makes me crazy and has done for years. I always leave it to dh to clarify expectations and he always chickens out. This time they are coming for Xmas to stay over and I texted mil myself and said you’re welcome to come any time tomorrow after 5p - looking fwd to it. She called and said we want to come earlier cos it is too dark to drive. I said how about 4p,I need tomorrow to get things ready. She said we won’t be in your way - I was forced to say look I’ve been working full time and need a minute to do things to prep and get them sorted before visitors just to keep my sanity. And she made some comment about well we wouldn’t want to interfere with your mental health. I’m so frustrated. If a host invites you to come at a certain time you don’t call them and argue and make them justify it and feel guilty no?

Only read this post, but I tell my parents I have a free night on points or a cheap senior rate and put them in a hotel. Older folks like having a bathroom nearby and not worrying about snoring. I also drive them around at dusk and darker. Thank them for being safe and not driving at night, but INSIST on a "free" hotel stay--all they have to do is "key pick up".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry OP that your in-laws are being difficult. I totally agree with not asking elders to drive in the dark but you did modify your request to 4pm arrival which addressed that concern.

Sometimes I think elders forget that their DIL's work full time as most MIL's did not work in addition to running their house.

Where f*** are you from that you can claim “most” MIL did not work???
WTF!

Either the 1950s or a very privileged UMC bubble.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know why I’m so amazed by all the people defending the MIL here, but I am.

A lot of people really don’t seem to think you’re allowed to want or need space from parents once you are grown. To me this is such an old fashioned and unhealthy dynamic. It doesn’t make families closer— it just breeds resentment and makes your grown kids want to push you away.

If I were MIL in this situation and wanted to travel at a certain time, I’d plan on going to a late lunch nearby and then arriving at 4pm. Better yet, I’d ask if we could take the grandkids to a special Christmas Eve lunch with us, pick them up at noon, and then do lunch and a long walk, and arrive at my son and DIL’s house around 4. I mean, if I was up for it, that would be an incredibly kind way to cut my kids a break over the holidays and allow me to spend more quality time with my grandkids.

But I would never insist on showing up 3-4 hours earlier than requested, especially after my DIL had told me that she needs the time to feel ready for overnight guests. Sheesh. Y’all are entitled.

You sound like an awesome MIL/Grandma! Assuming you would take no for an answer if there were already plans for lunch 😀

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My brother learned to lock the door to keep parents from "dropping by". And not making it obvious that they were home. It took months of training the parents but it eventually worked. In the beginning Dad would just hang out on the deck, also trying other doors to see if they were open. That type of thing. Eventually though, Mom & Dad learned to come when invited. And my Brother invites them often, just not unannounced.

Mom & Dad might mention the situation occasionally in conversation with others but no one pays them any attention when they talk about it.

Omg I still remember how shocked I was that I had to tell my MIL she couldn’t have a key to our first apartment. Like how is that a conversation that an adult has with their mother? I had no idea I was so lucky with my own parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here - to be clear I never said ‘you will ruin my mental health by coming early’
I said ‘because I’ve had to work right up until the holiday this will be my first day off and I just really would love a second to breathe and regroup for sanity sake before I jump into holiday mode’. I tried my absolute best to be honest while not making it personal. Mil was the one who said ‘well we would not want to impact your mental health’
It was pretty close to the bone bc my mental health is in tatter this year but that’s for a lot of reasons, but I don’t think she’s unaware

OP, you were completely in the right to do what you did. You cannot control your MIL's narcissistic response. Don't let them unhinged people here make you doubt yourself. Just ignore them and let them make someone else miserable instead. Consider it your Christmas gift to them.

I agree. I need a little time to myself before I have extra people in my house. Nothing to do with elaborate plans just me being introverted.

[Anonymous]

Why it is always the women organizing things?

Where are the men in this? Why don’t they figure out the time and do the work?

Isn’t it almost 2022??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She had a good line she used against you and it got under your skin. MIL 1 You 0.

I mean, OP raised her mental health first. Maybe MIL was expressing genuine concern. I mean only a mentally I’ll person would assume the worst in what someone says anyway. That is not normal.

[Anonymous]

I don’t have the time to read everything, but I have a solution.

Let them in when they show up early, then disappear into your bedroom for sex. You don’t actually have to have sex with them their, but make it seem like you are. I’d be all about making them uncomfortable.

[Anonymous]

OP - in the future, never give a reason that causes people to worry about you.

You do not have to give a reason. Repeating again -- no reason is *ever* necessary.

Op, you did not do this -- but -- have to mention. Some people are quick to tell a white lie as an excuse and they choose a health concern - cancelling because they don't feel well .. or they are really overwhelmed --when they just don't want to see the person) And that's really selfish. They've told a lie AND the other person is now worrying about them.

[Anonymous]

I would go out grocery shopping and errands and they could wait on the step. When I came home I’d invite them to help take in the groceries. Then pull sheets from the dryer and invite them to make up the bed or leave them alone in the living room while you go upstairs to make up a room. Then put on headphones and do some work on your laptop and “listen in to a conference call.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would go out grocery shopping and errands and they could wait on the step. When I came home I’d invite them to help take in the groceries. Then pull sheets from the dryer and invite them to make up the bed or leave them alone in the living room while you go upstairs to make up a room. Then put on headphones and do some work on your laptop and “listen in to a conference call.”

This is great.

[Anonymous]

I agree with the OP. My approach would be to say a quick hello when the arrive early as always, hand the MIL components and ask her to arrange the cheese and cracker tray, and let husband entertain them solo in the den until I’m ready to host company for the Christmas gathering at 5pm as stated.