I finally set a boundary with in laws and they made me feel bad

[Anonymous]

Oh come on. Why couldn't they come a little early? Is your mental health hanging by that much of a thread? Park them in front of the TV or let them help. I would have been put out too. I think you were petty here and maybe there's other issues with them...I don't know. They are family, not dinner party guests. They should feel more welcome, and you made them feel like invited acquaintances.

[Anonymous]

People who are having boundaries set against them are always going to put up a fuss when you implement and execute those boundaries. Stay firm and don’t internalize their BS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh come on. Why couldn't they come a little early? Is your mental health hanging by that much of a thread? Park them in front of the TV or let them help. I would have been put out too. I think you were petty here and maybe there's other issues with them...I don't know. They are family, not dinner party guests. They should feel more welcome, and you made them feel like invited acquaintances.

F no. OP made a clear boundary based on her needs, end of discussion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh come on. Why couldn't they come a little early? Is your mental health hanging by that much of a thread? Park them in front of the TV or let them help. I would have been put out too. I think you were petty here and maybe there's other issues with them...I don't know. They are family, not dinner party guests. They should feel more welcome, and you made them feel like invited acquaintances.

F no. OP made a clear boundary based on her needs, end of discussion.

No, it's not the end of discussion , but you love those boundaries, is that right? It's all a matter of perception. She calls it boundary setting, but many would call it rigidity and immaturity. All they wanted was to come a few f- ing hours early. And then she used her sanity as an excuse. This is from the "oh puleeeze Hall of Fame."

There are plenty here who have issues with boundaries with inlaws...real issues. In this case, OP is just kind of mean.

I'm on team MIL, and I'm sure she'll have a great time with this example going forward when she is commiserating with her friends.

[Anonymous]

Grow up, dear.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How far is the drive? Are they trying to avoid traffic? This is such a small potatoes thing you're looking for a reason to be mad and found one. Invite them in then tell them you need to "freshen up" and spend some alone time in your room.

There is no traffic on tbe drive
I don’t want to hide in my room. I want to use my house to get ready for them and for Christmas. I think it is reasonable when you have guests to ask them to arrive at a certain time on Christmas Eve. People have things to prepare

I think here is the problem. They are made to feel they are guests that you are entertaining. They are family driving a distance for a family holiday. The way you perceives them is not how they assume their son perceives them. To him, his parents are coming over. To you, they are invited guests. Have to say- makes me a little sad.

[Anonymous]

MIL was rude. It’s fine to ask to come early because you don’t want to drive in the dark. OP quickly offered this by suggesting 4 pm when it isn’t dark. This wasn’t good enough for MIL who demanded to still come earlier. MIL was not being invited over for the entire day but was very rude in deciding she gets to come for the entire day anyway.

I know when we have family come over I am racing around until 15 minutes before arrival time. I would be pissed if someone demanded to come hours earlier or just showed up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh come on. Why couldn't they come a little early? Is your mental health hanging by that much of a thread? Park them in front of the TV or let them help. I would have been put out too. I think you were petty here and maybe there's other issues with them...I don't know. They are family, not dinner party guests. They should feel more welcome, and you made them feel like invited acquaintances.

F no. OP made a clear boundary based on her needs, end of discussion.

No, it's not the end of discussion , but you love those boundaries, is that right? It's all a matter of perception. She calls it boundary setting, but many would call it rigidity and immaturity. All they wanted was to come a few f- ing hours early. And then she used her sanity as an excuse. This is from the "oh puleeeze Hall of Fame."

There are plenty here who have issues with boundaries with inlaws...real issues. In this case, OP is just kind of mean.

I'm on team MIL, and I'm sure she'll have a great time with this example going forward when she is commiserating with her friends.

* MIL has entered the chat...

[Anonymous]

At least they were rude to your face. My in-laws are sweet as sugar and I stupidly let my guard down and then bam, sucker punch text messages to my DH.

[Anonymous]

Sorry, didn't read 24 pages, so this has probably already been said.

OP should have her DH fully available to greet and take care of his parents from when they arrive until 4pm when she's ready for them. She can let him know what she will be doing the last few hours before then and ask him to plan around what she is doing while entertaining his parents. So, if she needs to be in the kitchen working, she can ask that they not come through the kitchen while she's prepping dinner or whatever. He can explain that she is busy getting ready and will not be available and to help keep his parents out of the spaces where OP is working.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh come on. Why couldn't they come a little early? Is your mental health hanging by that much of a thread? Park them in front of the TV or let them help. I would have been put out too. I think you were petty here and maybe there's other issues with them...I don't know. They are family, not dinner party guests. They should feel more welcome, and you made them feel like invited acquaintances.

F no. OP made a clear boundary based on her needs, end of discussion.

No, it's not the end of discussion , but you love those boundaries, is that right? It's all a matter of perception. She calls it boundary setting, but many would call it rigidity and immaturity. All they wanted was to come a few f- ing hours early. And then she used her sanity as an excuse. This is from the "oh puleeeze Hall of Fame."

There are plenty here who have issues with boundaries with inlaws...real issues. In this case, OP is just kind of mean.

I'm on team MIL, and I'm sure she'll have a great time with this example going forward when she is commiserating with her friends.

* MIL has entered the chat...


I don’t worry about boundaries with my parents or my husband’s sister because we have conversations about what works for everyone and *they care about our family’s needs and preferences* I have to set up boundaries with my MIL and y own brother because they try to ram though their own agenda regardless of what I say. No one wants to be managing their relationships like this but with some people it’s necessary. If you have never been a working parent of young children during a pandemic you can’t imagine how precious a few hours off work can be but if someone is telling you that is important to them you *can* listen and respect their feelings

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh come on. Why couldn't they come a little early? Is your mental health hanging by that much of a thread? Park them in front of the TV or let them help. I would have been put out too. I think you were petty here and maybe there's other issues with them...I don't know. They are family, not dinner party guests. They should feel more welcome, and you made them feel like invited acquaintances.

F no. OP made a clear boundary based on her needs, end of discussion.

No, it's not the end of discussion , but you love those boundaries, is that right? It's all a matter of perception. She calls it boundary setting, but many would call it rigidity and immaturity. All they wanted was to come a few f- ing hours early. And then she used her sanity as an excuse. This is from the "oh puleeeze Hall of Fame."

There are plenty here who have issues with boundaries with inlaws...real issues. In this case, OP is just kind of mean.

I'm on team MIL, and I'm sure she'll have a great time with this example going forward when she is commiserating with her friends.

* MIL has entered the chat...


I don’t worry about boundaries with my parents or my husband’s sister because we have conversations about what works for everyone and *they care about our family’s needs and preferences* I have to set up boundaries with my MIL and y own brother because they try to ram though their own agenda regardless of what I say. No one wants to be managing their relationships like this but with some people it’s necessary. If you have never been a working parent of young children during a pandemic you can’t imagine how precious a few hours off work can be but if someone is telling you that is important to them you *can* listen and respect their feelings

Again...not end of the discussion because you say so. Lol. You must be a trip with your boundaries. Love those " end of discussions" thing. Why not wave your flag higher? Good grief.

I was and still am a parent,not a MIL, sorry... with a house full of kids and a larger than life career,but I do not have a giant stick up my bum which didn't allow my in laws ( now deceased) to arrive early on a holiday, or anytime- then or now. My sister ALWAYS comes several hours early to everything, noone knows why, and no one cares . This is so stupid to make this much of a big deal of it. And immature.

Relax a bit, unclench. It's not worth it. Your parents and inlaws won't be here one day, sooner than you think, and you will realize how sad this all is. Is there any other mountain that you can choose to claim as your own?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh come on. Why couldn't they come a little early? Is your mental health hanging by that much of a thread? Park them in front of the TV or let them help. I would have been put out too. I think you were petty here and maybe there's other issues with them...I don't know. They are family, not dinner party guests. They should feel more welcome, and you made them feel like invited acquaintances.

F no. OP made a clear boundary based on her needs, end of discussion.

No, it's not the end of discussion , but you love those boundaries, is that right? It's all a matter of perception. She calls it boundary setting, but many would call it rigidity and immaturity. All they wanted was to come a few f- ing hours early. And then she used her sanity as an excuse. This is from the "oh puleeeze Hall of Fame."

There are plenty here who have issues with boundaries with inlaws...real issues. In this case, OP is just kind of mean.

I'm on team MIL, and I'm sure she'll have a great time with this example going forward when she is commiserating with her friends.

* MIL has entered the chat...


I don’t worry about boundaries with my parents or my husband’s sister because we have conversations about what works for everyone and *they care about our family’s needs and preferences* I have to set up boundaries with my MIL and y own brother because they try to ram though their own agenda regardless of what I say. No one wants to be managing their relationships like this but with some people it’s necessary. If you have never been a working parent of young children during a pandemic you can’t imagine how precious a few hours off work can be but if someone is telling you that is important to them you *can* listen and respect their feelings

Again...not end of the discussion because you say so. Lol. You must be a trip with your boundaries. Love those " end of discussions" thing. Why not wave your flag higher? Good grief.

I was and still am a parent,not a MIL, sorry... with a house full of kids and a larger than life career,but I do not have a giant stick up my bum which didn't allow my in laws ( now deceased) to arrive early on a holiday, or anytime- then or now. My sister ALWAYS comes several hours early to everything, noone knows why, and no one cares . This is so stupid to make this much of a big deal of it. And immature.

Relax a bit, unclench. It's not worth it. Your parents and inlaws won't be here one day, sooner than you think, and you will realize how sad this all is. Is there any other mountain that you can choose to claim as your own?

I’m the PP you are responding to. I am genuinely curious- do you allow your family and your IL to show up at your house whenever they want and stay as long as they want? I feel like most of us say no sometimes or our families have some idea of what our preferences are and can calibrate their requests. I posted earlier that My MIL wanted a key to our first apartment- would you have been fine with that? They routinely show up at my SILs house unannounced and during times the kids are asleep or unavailable and expect that to be fine. When they babysit they rearrange the furniture because my MIL thinks she knows better than my SIL. Is that all fine? You just have to have your furniture like that now and wake up your kid from their nap because the grandparents won’t be around forever? I think it’s a matter of degree and right and wrong depend a lot of the situation.


Believe it or not I actually think my ILs are good people and I truly want to be able to spend time with them but I can’t let them call all the shots or I will hate them because I have no privacy and my kid is miserable. Lucky you if your family is perfect, some of us are doing our best with what we have!