I finally set a boundary with in laws and they made me feel bad
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Anonymous
| My parents in law have always arrived way too early. It makes me crazy and has done for years. I always leave it to dh to clarify expectations and he always chickens out. This time they are coming for Xmas to stay over and I texted mil myself and said you’re welcome to come any time tomorrow after 5p - looking fwd to it. She called and said we want to come earlier cos it is too dark to drive. I said how about 4p,I need tomorrow to get things ready. She said we won’t be in your way - I was forced to say look I’ve been working full time and need a minute to do things to prep and get them sorted before visitors just to keep my sanity. And she made some comment about well we wouldn’t want to interfere with your mental health. I’m so frustrated. If a host invites you to come at a certain time you don’t call them and argue and make them justify it and feel guilty no? |
Anonymous
| Oh and to be clear I didn’t mind them coming at 4p if they don’t want to drive in the dark but even 4p was not ok for her - she was like no it needs to be earlier. |
Anonymous
| Tell them if the don’t want to drive that late in the day, they are welcome to wait and come first thing the next morning. |
Anonymous
| She had a good line she used against you and it got under your skin. MIL 1 You 0. |
Anonymous
|
Etiquette rules between close family is different. It’s fine for parents to ask if they can come earlier because they don’t like driving at night. It’s also ok for you to say that doesn’t work for you. No one can make you feel bad, you’re a grown person; own your decisions and feelings.
Also, if you know they like to arrive earlier in the day, maybe you can start planning for that and when possible, invite them to come the next day rather than the evening before and let them come whenever they want. |
Anonymous
| I’m sorry that it sounds like you have a difficult relationship with your in laws. But my parents truly do have more difficulty driving after dark. The difference between 4 and 5 pm isn’t that big, but the difference with driving in daylight vs dark is significant for many older people. |
Anonymous
| This is how it feels to set boundaries with people who don't want to respect them. Keep it up, you're doing great. (Except maybe for the husband part....) |
Anonymous
| When you set a boundary be prepared for an angry reaction. Boundaries are frightening and triggering to narcissistic people. You did nothing wrong. |
Anonymous
Sorry OP but this was  MIL is very Everybody Loves Raymond-ish. Expect this to come up again and prep your witty comeback. Anything linking mental health and serial killer gets you 2 points in my book!
You were perfectly reasonable. It is not dark at 4pm. Now, please come back and tell us what time they actually show up. |
Anonymous
|
Your MIL has a point, though - some people can't drive in the dark, and it gets worse as you get older. If she expresses that, it really means it's stressful for them, and they could get into an accident.
I don't know what the compromise could be, but they can come the morning of the 25th, or perhaps you can take off the 24th to prep so they can earlier, or perhaps your husband can pitch in so everything is ready earlier, or you guys can rearrange your schedule to prep certain things the weekend before, or... But the driving at night thing isn't trivial, OP. As they age, they will have more limitations. |
Anonymous
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Hmmm. It sounds like you don't like them. Not wanting to drive int he dark is a legit concern.
Maybe next year tour husband should take the kids and spend the day with his parents at Christmas or he will grow a pair and divorce a person who treats his parents so poorly. |
Anonymous
| Ignore her. She’s wrong and she’s trying to control things. Ignore her and don’t bring it up again. But keep setting boundaries. Think of it like a two year old, they’re going to push back and use every trick in the book, but you stay firm. Be pleasant but set boundaries. |
Anonymous
| I notice she didn’t ask what she could to help. Any sane, mature adult would have said, “Of course” and offered to help. I’d put her to work when they arrive. Maybe that will make her want to come when you’re ready next time. |
Anonymous
| Yeah, this isn't worth the fight. I'm not old and I hate driving at night. I think letting them come earlier is more than reasonable. |
Anonymous
| To be clear I totally get the driving in the dark - why I said come at 4p (then they drive in the light and arrive at 4). She said no we want to come earlier than that. |