Life with AP after divorce

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Full custody of someone else's kids!! What an amazing prize! Life winner here for sure.

New poster. It is an "amazing prize". We got custody at 4 and 7. I say WE because I am the SAH parent who raised them. DH traveled a lot back then, sometimes for months a a time. They are grown now. No one knows we are blended. They are all ours. I'm not saying these early years were easy, but don't make it sound like my kids were anything but a blessing. (And I hate the word blessing.) They are what made all the really hard times worth it. Seeing them grow up in a healthy, stable home away from my DH's nutty ex WAS a prize.

No, the kids know you're not their mother. They aren't yours. And they aren't blended - what is there to blend with?

You should know every time they looked at you, they wished it was their mom instead. Whatever else they told you - kids of divorce learn early to tell adults what they want to hear.

Perhaps you were barren so you went after someone else's kids because you could buy them. No worries. The kids know.

NP but a sane, loving stepmom is way better than a crazy unstable ass mother. GTFOOH with this every mother is the bestest bullshit. Some mothers are shitty as fuck. And kids know it.

Oh so how you determine who is good and bad ? Who deserves to be the parent ?
Kids are certainly all knowing on this board.

Do you even have children to be giving them this little credit? Children pick up on a lot once they hit a certain age. They notice things you wouldn't even think they would. To think that they are blind or don't pick up on it when a parent is off or when their parents fight, is so silly.

Umm it's called irony.

People have a tendency to co-opt children into their opinions on what 'they' think is best.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Full custody of someone else's kids!! What an amazing prize! Life winner here for sure.

New poster. It is an "amazing prize". We got custody at 4 and 7. I say WE because I am the SAH parent who raised them. DH traveled a lot back then, sometimes for months a a time. They are grown now. No one knows we are blended. They are all ours. I'm not saying these early years were easy, but don't make it sound like my kids were anything but a blessing. (And I hate the word blessing.) They are what made all the really hard times worth it. Seeing them grow up in a healthy, stable home away from my DH's nutty ex WAS a prize.

No, the kids know you're not their mother. They aren't yours. And they aren't blended - what is there to blend with?

You should know every time they looked at you, they wished it was their mom instead. Whatever else they told you - kids of divorce learn early to tell adults what they want to hear.

Perhaps you were barren so you went after someone else's kids because you could buy them. No worries. The kids know.

NP but a sane, loving stepmom is way better than a crazy unstable ass mother. GTFOOH with this every mother is the bestest bullshit. Some mothers are shitty as fuck. And kids know it.

No one said that every mother is the bestest. Just that the kids want her the most. Kids long after the worst of parents. If the parent's worst sin is that she's immature and ditzy, well, they long after that one too. They may wish she was better some ways, but they want her. Not another woman who's perfect.

And somehow stepmothers always say the first wives were crazy and unstable. That particular one was smarting after losing 30% of their income so decided to go for custody. Save money, can afford to stay home for her own kids. Win-win. The mother, well, screw her, all she contributed was "an egg and a short-term lease of her uterus." That's a verbatim quote from the Georgia stepmom.

[Anonymous]

I disagree. I'm embarrassed by my Mother. My grandmother has always been more of a Mother to me. I never longed for my Mother or Father

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
New poster. It is an "amazing prize". We got custody at 4 and 7. I say WE because I am the SAH parent who raised them. DH traveled a lot back then, sometimes for months a a time. They are grown now. No one knows we are blended. They are all ours. I'm not saying these early years were easy, but don't make it sound like my kids were anything but a blessing. (And I hate the word blessing.) They are what made all the really hard times worth it. Seeing them grow up in a healthy, stable home away from my DH's nutty ex WAS a prize.

No, the kids know you're not their mother. They aren't yours. And they aren't blended - what is there to blend with?

You should know every time they looked at you, they wished it was their mom instead. Whatever else they told you - kids of divorce learn early to tell adults what they want to hear.

Perhaps you were barren so you went after someone else's kids because you could buy them. No worries. The kids know.

What is wrong with you PP?? The stepmom sounds like she loved, cherished, and cared for those kids in a difficult situation. She took them in as her own and they respected + cared for her because of it in return. I could only wish that every stepparent, foster paster, and birth parent could claim the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a NP who remembers Georgia mom's story and what always gets me is the undercurrent of glee with which she posts. When I saw this thread, I knew she'd pop up at some point. I don't believe her version of events.

Anyhow. My FIL had an affair and married his AP over 30 years ago. He's been having some major medical problems lately after living a mostly healthy life. When he started finally showing signs of age and having medical problems, his wife disappeared, including moving physically out of the house for most of the year. We arrange for his care and are the ones that show up when he has problems. He had a stroke and she didn't bother to even visit him in the hospital. We have to be really careful because she is still married to him and could cut off our access, but she makes no move to help him.

I was grousing about the situation to an eldercare nursing specialist and her response, "Oh, second wife? Yeah, those ones run away as soon as the health problems start." She said she sees it all the time. Sometimes the original wife ends up caring for the man after AP/wife disappears, even 30+ years after the affair and divorce.

Are you saying GA mom posted about this in another thread? Link?

As for the italicized. Funny story. The 62-yr-old friend of my father is an asshole. A real traditionalist who thought nothing his wife did was right. She didn't cook his food right, his house was never clean enough (she worked too), and his children weren't perfect. Long story short he decided to leave her to take care of the kids when they were in their teens (like a decade and a half ago). She wasn't happy but neither was sad. She was just upset and furious at wasting time on him. Anyway in the past year he had a severe heart attack with brain damage. He couldn't afford the live-in care he needed, so she took him into HER home. The man who left her. The man who never showed affection. Because he had nowhere to go.

....

She knows that she's put her life on hold again for him for the past half year. She doesn't love him. She just feels a responsibility to care for the father of her children even when he's still a micro-managing asshole.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a NP who remembers Georgia mom's story and what always gets me is the undercurrent of glee with which she posts. When I saw this thread, I knew she'd pop up at some point. I don't believe her version of events.

Anyhow. My FIL had an affair and married his AP over 30 years ago. He's been having some major medical problems lately after living a mostly healthy life. When he started finally showing signs of age and having medical problems, his wife disappeared, including moving physically out of the house for most of the year. We arrange for his care and are the ones that show up when he has problems. He had a stroke and she didn't bother to even visit him in the hospital. We have to be really careful because she is still married to him and could cut off our access, but she makes no move to help him.

I was grousing about the situation to an eldercare nursing specialist and her response, "Oh, second wife? Yeah, those ones run away as soon as the health problems start." She said she sees it all the time. Sometimes the original wife ends up caring for the man after AP/wife disappears, even 30+ years after the affair and divorce.

Are you saying GA mom posted about this in another thread? Link?

Nevermind found it.

[Anonymous]

my dad had an affair when I was a pre-teen/young teen. It was with someone both my parents knew, and that he had known for years. I later found out it was not his first affair. My parents marriage was completely dysfunctional, and I can understand that my dad wanted out. But he didi it in a horrible way. My mom who was emotionally unstable completely lost it and my dad was not around to help out and suddenly I was dealing with a crazy, suicidal person. My parents clearly didn't read anything about how to divorce with kids, so dad moved in right way with girlfriend (and then went to brazil for month) and mom demonized my father for the next, oh, 30 years. She still does it. Lots of rancor and bitterness and made it horrible for the children, we were always being in a position to pick sides, dad tried to force us immediately into his new configuration and didn't want to acknowledge the pain he had caused because it meant ackowledgnign his selfishness.

30 years later, he is still with his now wife, former AP. They are content, but I am not sure he is happy. She is less emotionallyunstable in some ways than my mom, and she is very rich, which makes life easier for them, but she has real anger problems and has caused a lot of angst over the years in terms of his relationship with his kids.

The very poor way both parents split and handled the divorce meant that my brother essentially married th first person who would give him the time of day--a very damaged woman and now that is ending, very badly for him, and I had years of bad relationships before getting a lot of therapy and getting married at 38.

I do not see things in black and whte--my parents were deeply unhappy and unsuited to each other, and had a very bad model of a relationship, so some of the problems stem from that. But it would have benemuch better had they separated when I was younger and worked out a real parenting plan. Instead, my mother got to demonize my father, and my father fled into the arms of another woman without facing up to his responsibilities to his kids.

So, how did it work out? okay for him, not so great for the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
New poster. It is an "amazing prize". We got custody at 4 and 7. I say WE because I am the SAH parent who raised them. DH traveled a lot back then, sometimes for months a a time. They are grown now. No one knows we are blended. They are all ours. I'm not saying these early years were easy, but don't make it sound like my kids were anything but a blessing. (And I hate the word blessing.) They are what made all the really hard times worth it. Seeing them grow up in a healthy, stable home away from my DH's nutty ex WAS a prize.

No, the kids know you're not their mother. They aren't yours. And they aren't blended - what is there to blend with?

You should know every time they looked at you, they wished it was their mom instead. Whatever else they told you - kids of divorce learn early to tell adults what they want to hear.

Perhaps you were barren so you went after someone else's kids because you could buy them. No worries. The kids know.

What is wrong with you PP?? The stepmom sounds like she loved, cherished, and cared for those kids in a difficult situation. She took them in as her own and they respected + cared for her because of it in return. I could only wish that every stepparent, foster paster, and birth parent could claim the same.

Every stepparent, foster parent and birth parent CAN claim the same. And they do. Claiming isn't difficult. That's all that's going on here.

This stepmother didn't "take them in". She got her DH to sue for custody because paying 30% in child support was too onerous.

[Anonymous]

I know a woman who went through something similar to Georgia Mom on the other end. She and her husband divorced. They had 2 kids, one with Down syndrome. He nickel and dimed every amount of support she claimed she needed and threatened to take her to court for a reduction because she was exaggerating what she needed. She said if he did that he was welcome to have full custody of the kids so he could see just how much they cost to raise properly. Maybe Georgia Mom's arch enemy bio mom did something like that since Georgia Mom and her husband obviously had an issue with the support amount. "Here, you take them then."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
New poster. It is an "amazing prize". We got custody at 4 and 7. I say WE because I am the SAH parent who raised them. DH traveled a lot back then, sometimes for months a a time. They are grown now. No one knows we are blended. They are all ours. I'm not saying these early years were easy, but don't make it sound like my kids were anything but a blessing. (And I hate the word blessing.) They are what made all the really hard times worth it. Seeing them grow up in a healthy, stable home away from my DH's nutty ex WAS a prize.

No, the kids know you're not their mother. They aren't yours. And they aren't blended - what is there to blend with?

You should know every time they looked at you, they wished it was their mom instead. Whatever else they told you - kids of divorce learn early to tell adults what they want to hear.

Perhaps you were barren so you went after someone else's kids because you could buy them. No worries. The kids know.

What is wrong with you PP?? The stepmom sounds like she loved, cherished, and cared for those kids in a difficult situation. She took them in as her own and they respected + cared for her because of it in return. I could only wish that every stepparent, foster paster, and birth parent could claim the same.

Every stepparent, foster parent and birth parent CAN claim the same. And they do. Claiming isn't difficult. That's all that's going on here.

This stepmother didn't "take them in". She got her DH to sue for custody because paying 30% in child support was too onerous.

I'm a different poster (the one who called her gleeful above) and one of the ones who is skeptical of Georgia mom's story. The reason I'm skeptical is that she is purely the heroine in her version of events. I am friends with a few people who are good stepparents, ones who stepped into a really hard position (definitely NOT APs), and none of them would ever present themselves the way Georgia mom does. Read her multiple posts in different threads. She's basically dancing at the fact that these poor kids have been through the wringer and lost contact with their mom and her DH got to stop paying 30% in child support. I don't know what the real facts are, obviously. None of us do. But what I do know is that she does not express any sympathy for what those kids must have gone through and never varies from her narration where she is the unquestionable heroine of the day. That makes me very, very skeptical because while I know several great stepparents, I don't know a single one who would ever describe their story in such self-promoting terms, even anonymously.

[Anonymous]

PP - just to add that to make her story sound true, the biomom obviously has to be a worthless monster. This is how the Georgia stepmom describes the biomom:

"Short of a couple of eggs and the lease of her uterus, her contribution has been unremarkable."

So you see, even though the biomom raised the kids till they were 4 and 7 and dealt with a cheating husband, her contribution is "unremarkable". Of course. The stepmom is better at wedding planning, after all, so she must the REAL mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP - just to add that to make her story sound true, the biomom obviously has to be a worthless monster. This is how the Georgia stepmom describes the biomom:

"Short of a couple of eggs and the lease of her uterus, her contribution has been unremarkable."

So you see, even though the biomom raised the kids till they were 4 and 7 and dealt with a cheating husband, her contribution is "unremarkable". Of course. The stepmom is better at wedding planning, after all, so she must the REAL mom.

Yeah anyone with a modicum of life experience knows nothing in regards to human relationships is ever so black and white. But Georgia Stepmom has been telling this story to herself and others for years and has convinced herself this is really how it all went down. Would love to hear bio moms side.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:From what I have seen: couples who affair pre-kids and the marriage ends - sometimes the APs make it work for the long haul.

Couples with kids who break up the family for their AP. It never lasts. OK, I am sure there are exception, but I haven't seen one yet.

This is your "exception", although I think there are many more. Sometimes you get married to one person, and then your soulmate comes along. The heart wants what the heart wants. The couple here did things right. They built a friendship founded in their devotion to their kids, and then it turned into something more. They couldn't deny their feelings any longer, so they confessed their love to each other. Each announced to his/her respective spouse that they'd be leaving for the other person. THEN they consummated their relationship. Not one moment before.

It wouldn't have mattered when we consummated our relationship. Married to AP for thirty years with two children. Are we happy, yes we are soul mates and love each other more now than every. But, and there is always a but, extended family relationships are a mess and our children have no relationship with a lot of extended family members because of the damage and drama that brought down the marriage. Happy to have found a soul mate, but would not do it again. The damage to the family, including extended, was/is irreparable.

This account of being a AP then wife is way more honest. She says, yes we are happy, but I wouldn't do it again. She faces the music. She owns it. She doesn't feel the need to say how awesome she is, how horrible the wife was, or how happy everyone else now is.

[Anonymous]

Lol

[Anonymous]

It's honest because it fits your narrative.