Life with AP after divorce

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a NP who remembers Georgia mom's story and what always gets me is the undercurrent of glee with which she posts. When I saw this thread, I knew she'd pop up at some point. I don't believe her version of events.

Anyhow. My FIL had an affair and married his AP over 30 years ago. He's been having some major medical problems lately after living a mostly healthy life. When he started finally showing signs of age and having medical problems, his wife disappeared, including moving physically out of the house for most of the year. We arrange for his care and are the ones that show up when he has problems. He had a stroke and she didn't bother to even visit him in the hospital. We have to be really careful because she is still married to him and could cut off our access, but she makes no move to help him.

I was grousing about the situation to an eldercare nursing specialist and her response, "Oh, second wife? Yeah, those ones run away as soon as the health problems start." She said she sees it all the time. Sometimes the original wife ends up caring for the man after AP/wife disappears, even 30+ years after the affair and divorce.

Wow. My mom is my dad's 2nd wife (wasn't an AP situation, just a second marriage), and while my mom didn't disappear when my dad started having health issues, she sure did everything she could to complain about him as much as possible and make it about her ever second she got. I'm sorry your dad has to go through that, I know my situation obviously isn't nearly as bad as this, but I know it's tough to watch someone treat your dad that way.

Thanks. I'm sorry about your situation too.

I guess the silver lining is that both me and DH value our own marriage and both make sure to do what we can to keep it healthy, because we've seen the second spouse reality up close.

[Anonymous]

Isn't it funny how all first wives are crazy and were the sole problem in the marriage?

And that second wives are so much better, including a those who slept with (excuse me- "saved") married men?

It's totally uncanny that this could always be the case. Especially that blameless and perfect husbands could both pick the wrong woman and cheat. The Universe certainly is mysterious.

I don't have an ax to grind but I have a perspective that's seldom told here and never acknowledged by second wives.

I married a guy who was wrong for me. I think in my heart I knew it and wasn't brave enough to be honest with myself or with him -- especially because he was so head over heels and had made me the center of his world.

He married a woman (me) whose goals were not compatible with what he wanted out of life. I explicitly said and meant I wanted equal child care responsibilities and equal respect for both careers. I went to a fancier school and made more money than him. He said he loved that and was all in to be a partner and cheer leader. And I think he did love my résumé. The problem is that in his heart he wanted someone like his mom- highly-educated housewife who took care of all things domestic and spent a few hours per day preserving her California blonde looks.

When I got pregnant he announced we were moving toward the model he grew up with. Me on mommy track (his "concession" to our original plans) and him earning money and showing off the family pictures on his desk.

I was miserable and became resentful. Which made me think about all of the things that weren't right between us (few common interests, not much attraction on my end) which made me cranky AF and not the chirpy and enthusiastic wife I once was.

He wanted me to stay but I couldn't. I was too sad every day. I knew he was sad too and wanted the thing I couldn't give.

So we divorced. And I became a reasonable and collegial ex wife and co parent. Until I got a demotion to first wife. My ex apparently could not market himself to potential wives as someone who made a well-intentioned mistake and was in a marriage that couldn't work. To be husband material, he needed a crazy ex wife who did everything wrong. The new job applicants needed to see themselves as special and as saviors. That was the deal he struck with them.

So he marries someone who seems nice and sells her a bill of goods that I'm a monster. She believes it for a while and treats me like garbage for years. Then the cracks in their marriage show. She does 100% of parenting jobs for my child during their custodial time and 80% of parenting for their two little girls -- even though she out- earns him. She always looks tired. She's aged terribly and he Hawks at me when we get together, then sends me nasty emails. Apparently revenge for taking good care of myself while he's forced his wife to work herself to exhaustion and get heavy and haggard in the process.

She treats me better since she figured out her husband's challenges and that it turns out I just had less stamina than she did. My child says they yell a lot.

The difference between us is that I couldn't stand to stay but she can. I guess it's values. We're not close enough to talk about it.

Bottom line, marriages are generally two-person operations. Generally the end of the marriage takes two. Or the initial design defects are mutual. There are terrible and abusive people in the world. Not all ex wives are among them. There are truly unlucky people in the world. Not all ex husbands are among them.

There was no cheating in my first marriage (at least on my part). A woman who marries a man who has cheated with her is on notice that he's a flawed human being. Maybe not a monster. Probably weak. Every second spouse (my own included) knows he's marrying a recovering drop-out.

Just be honest about it. Especially when the exes are raising kids.

[Anonymous]

That's "gawks " at me.

[Anonymous]

I'm a really nice, sweet person, like absurdly so. My marriage had no problems- I'm serious. My husband started a flirtation with a younger co-worker. She stroked his ego. I guess that was more fun than taking care of our 2 kids under 4. He was a lazy dad. I didn't nag him for it, but I didn't worship him. There is no telling what he told his AP about how awful I am, how we don't get along (we didn't after he started the affair and began the emotional abuse, but I still tried to be nice as much as I could), that I'm crazy, etc. This scenario happens all the time. By the way, even if the wives have difficult personalities or mental instability, they deserve love from their husbands, not infidelity. My husband abused me, that never made me had sex with someone else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a really nice, sweet person, like absurdly so. My marriage had no problems- I'm serious. My husband started a flirtation with a younger co-worker. She stroked his ego. I guess that was more fun than taking care of our 2 kids under 4. He was a lazy dad. I didn't nag him for it, but I didn't worship him. There is no telling what he told his AP about how awful I am, how we don't get along (we didn't after he started the affair and began the emotional abuse, but I still tried to be nice as much as I could), that I'm crazy, etc. This scenario happens all the time. By the way, even if the wives have difficult personalities or mental instability, they deserve love from their husbands, not infidelity. My husband abused me, that never made me had sex with someone else.

I'm so sorry about this. I'm the PP above who got badmouthed by my ex. You sound like a nice person. You deserved better and I agree that we all do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a really nice, sweet person, like absurdly so. My marriage had no problems- I'm serious. My husband started a flirtation with a younger co-worker. She stroked his ego. I guess that was more fun than taking care of our 2 kids under 4. He was a lazy dad. I didn't nag him for it, but I didn't worship him. There is no telling what he told his AP about how awful I am, how we don't get along (we didn't after he started the affair and began the emotional abuse, but I still tried to be nice as much as I could), that I'm crazy, etc. This scenario happens all the time. By the way, even if the wives have difficult personalities or mental instability, they deserve love from their husbands, not infidelity. My husband abused me, that never made me had sex with someone else.

I'm so sorry about this. I'm the PP above who got badmouthed by my ex. You sound like a nice person. You deserved better and I agree that we all do.

Thank you for your warm thoughts. My kids and I are doing great.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Full custody of someone else's kids!! What an amazing prize! Life winner here for sure.

New poster. It is an "amazing prize". We got custody at 4 and 7. I say WE because I am the SAH parent who raised them. DH traveled a lot back then, sometimes for months a a time. They are grown now. No one knows we are blended. They are all ours. I'm not saying these early years were easy, but don't make it sound like my kids were anything but a blessing. (And I hate the word blessing.) They are what made all the really hard times worth it. Seeing them grow up in a healthy, stable home away from my DH's nutty ex WAS a prize.

No, the kids know you're not their mother. They aren't yours. And they aren't blended - what is there to blend with?

You should know every time they looked at you, they wished it was their mom instead. Whatever else they told you - kids of divorce learn early to tell adults what they want to hear.

Perhaps you were barren so you went after someone else's kids because you could buy them. No worries. The kids know.

NP but a sane, loving stepmom is way better than a crazy unstable ass mother. GTFOOH with this every mother is the bestest bullshit. Some mothers are shitty as fuck. And kids know it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Full custody of someone else's kids!! What an amazing prize! Life winner here for sure.

New poster. It is an "amazing prize". We got custody at 4 and 7. I say WE because I am the SAH parent who raised them. DH traveled a lot back then, sometimes for months a a time. They are grown now. No one knows we are blended. They are all ours. I'm not saying these early years were easy, but don't make it sound like my kids were anything but a blessing. (And I hate the word blessing.) They are what made all the really hard times worth it. Seeing them grow up in a healthy, stable home away from my DH's nutty ex WAS a prize.

No, the kids know you're not their mother. They aren't yours. And they aren't blended - what is there to blend with?

You should know every time they looked at you, they wished it was their mom instead. Whatever else they told you - kids of divorce learn early to tell adults what they want to hear.

Perhaps you were barren so you went after someone else's kids because you could buy them. No worries. The kids know.

NP but a sane, loving stepmom is way better than a crazy unstable ass mother. GTFOOH with this every mother is the bestest bullshit. Some mothers are shitty as fuck. And kids know it.

+1000000
My mother was and is extremely manipulative. I wasn't surprised when her husband stepped out on her. She made our childhoods a living he'll.

[Anonymous]

Well, regarding all the badmouthing of first wives, fwiw the guys I've known who cheated all said they loved their wives. They were missing sex - some had it 1-2x a month, some it had literally been years. Some said their wives wouldn't do certain things. Some said they were missing connection. They wanted to talk a lot, and talk about personal things you'd only tell a stranger. None of them wanted to live without their kids, even part time. And they all said they loved their wives.

[Anonymous]

I think some have terrible wives and some lie about it. My friend recently left her husband of 22 yrs for another man. She says her husband is a saint. He wants her back and she refuses. Her Ap still lives at home. He can't afford to move out. He's taken a second job to help. He says he's been miserable for years and is staying for the kids. He seems to love her. They didn't have sex until she moved out. She says it's happened twice. Their affair has been mostly emotional.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just to chime in, I recognize Georgia stepmom too. Nobody is stalking her. She posts a lot with lots of details. I recall specifically people challenging her claim that in Georgia 20 years ago her husband was paying nearly $3k a month in support. There are many things that don't necessarily add up or sound as simple as she makes but that's neither here nor there. "Angry pp" shouldn't be accused of stalking a woman who proudly has shared much of her life here.

Ok, so 'Angry PP' isn't a stalker. 'Angry PP' still should consider taking a step back and not being so personally enraged by an anonymous poster on DC Forum. Spitting straight venom at a person they only know from their story on a forum is absolutely insane.

Who died and made you in charge of how much emotion who should be feeling on account of what?

If you can't see that getting that worked up over an anonymous person's story on a forum is a bit unhealthy, I'm really sad for you.

Its a bit unhealthy to feel sadness over an anonymous person too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Full custody of someone else's kids!! What an amazing prize! Life winner here for sure.

New poster. It is an "amazing prize". We got custody at 4 and 7. I say WE because I am the SAH parent who raised them. DH traveled a lot back then, sometimes for months a a time. They are grown now. No one knows we are blended. They are all ours. I'm not saying these early years were easy, but don't make it sound like my kids were anything but a blessing. (And I hate the word blessing.) They are what made all the really hard times worth it. Seeing them grow up in a healthy, stable home away from my DH's nutty ex WAS a prize.

No, the kids know you're not their mother. They aren't yours. And they aren't blended - what is there to blend with?

You should know every time they looked at you, they wished it was their mom instead. Whatever else they told you - kids of divorce learn early to tell adults what they want to hear.

Perhaps you were barren so you went after someone else's kids because you could buy them. No worries. The kids know.

NP but a sane, loving stepmom is way better than a crazy unstable ass mother. GTFOOH with this every mother is the bestest bullshit. Some mothers are shitty as fuck. And kids know it.

Oh so how you determine who is good and bad ? Who deserves to be the parent ?
Kids are certainly all knowing on this board.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just to chime in, I recognize Georgia stepmom too. Nobody is stalking her. She posts a lot with lots of details. I recall specifically people challenging her claim that in Georgia 20 years ago her husband was paying nearly $3k a month in support. There are many things that don't necessarily add up or sound as simple as she makes but that's neither here nor there. "Angry pp" shouldn't be accused of stalking a woman who proudly has shared much of her life here.

Ok, so 'Angry PP' isn't a stalker. 'Angry PP' still should consider taking a step back and not being so personally enraged by an anonymous poster on DC Forum. Spitting straight venom at a person they only know from their story on a forum is absolutely insane.

Who died and made you in charge of how much emotion who should be feeling on account of what?

If you can't see that getting that worked up over an anonymous person's story on a forum is a bit unhealthy, I'm really sad for you.

Its a bit unhealthy to feel sadness over an anonymous person too.

So because I think it's silly to get so angered over an anonymous person, that automatically means that I feel sadness for the other poster? Ok then.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Full custody of someone else's kids!! What an amazing prize! Life winner here for sure.

New poster. It is an "amazing prize". We got custody at 4 and 7. I say WE because I am the SAH parent who raised them. DH traveled a lot back then, sometimes for months a a time. They are grown now. No one knows we are blended. They are all ours. I'm not saying these early years were easy, but don't make it sound like my kids were anything but a blessing. (And I hate the word blessing.) They are what made all the really hard times worth it. Seeing them grow up in a healthy, stable home away from my DH's nutty ex WAS a prize.

No, the kids know you're not their mother. They aren't yours. And they aren't blended - what is there to blend with?

You should know every time they looked at you, they wished it was their mom instead. Whatever else they told you - kids of divorce learn early to tell adults what they want to hear.

Perhaps you were barren so you went after someone else's kids because you could buy them. No worries. The kids know.

NP but a sane, loving stepmom is way better than a crazy unstable ass mother. GTFOOH with this every mother is the bestest bullshit. Some mothers are shitty as fuck. And kids know it.

Oh so how you determine who is good and bad ? Who deserves to be the parent ?
Kids are certainly all knowing on this board.

Do you even have children to be giving them this little credit? Children pick up on a lot once they hit a certain age. They notice things you wouldn't even think they would. To think that they are blind or don't pick up on it when a parent is off or when their parents fight, is so silly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, regarding all the badmouthing of first wives, fwiw the guys I've known who cheated all said they loved their wives. They were missing sex - some had it 1-2x a month, some it had literally been years. Some said their wives wouldn't do certain things. Some said they were missing connection. They wanted to talk a lot, and talk about personal things you'd only tell a stranger. None of them wanted to live without their kids, even part time. And they all said they loved their wives.

Yeah but they aren't the ones who left