Life with AP after divorce

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Ok, seriously get over yourself. Kids of divorce can totally handle the fact that mom and dad weren't meant to be together, for whatever reason.

Yes I totally handled my parents divorce after years and thousands of dollars of therapy plus numerous defective adult relationships that were the direct result of me being used as a pawn in my divorced parents ongoing war-to-the-death with each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:From what I have seen: couples who affair pre-kids and the marriage ends - sometimes the APs make it work for the long haul.

Couples with kids who break up the family for their AP. It never lasts. OK, I am sure there are exception, but I haven't seen one yet.

This is your "exception", although I think there are many more. Sometimes you get married to one person, and then your soulmate comes along. The heart wants what the heart wants. The couple here did things right. They built a friendship founded in their devotion to their kids, and then it turned into something more. They couldn't deny their feelings any longer, so they confessed their love to each other. Each announced to his/her respective spouse that they'd be leaving for the other person. THEN they consummated their relationship. Not one moment before.

Child of divorce here, and this one quote made me want to vomit:

“My kids are going to look at me and know that I am flawed and not perfect, but also deeply in love,” she said. “We’re going to have a big, noisy, rich life, with more love and more people in it.”

Ok, seriously get over yourself. Kids of divorce can totally handle the fact that mom and dad weren't meant to be together, for whatever reason. We can handle that we sometimes forget our ball glove at mom's house and can't play baseball with friends because I am at dad's. We can handle that holidays become more of a PITA because I am running around like a chicken without our heads trying to see two families (and then when we have kids seeing four families since my wife's parents are also divorced).

Leave aside whether my parents are more happy with their current partner's than with each other - its none of my business. But please spare me the bullshit that you are bringing more love to the family. You aren't. You are bringing headache and pain on your kids, who will be fine accepting it as long as you aren't trying to spin it as a benefit to them.

And as long as the soon to be ex isn't constantly poisoning the situation with their side of the story.

[Anonymous]

^i hate ridiculous statements about how the kids will feel, in general. How about just honoring them by doing what's best for them every second of your life, like by nurturing your relationship with their father, regardless of who else comes sniffing around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:From what I have seen: couples who affair pre-kids and the marriage ends - sometimes the APs make it work for the long haul.

Couples with kids who break up the family for their AP. It never lasts. OK, I am sure there are exception, but I haven't seen one yet.

This is your "exception", although I think there are many more. Sometimes you get married to one person, and then your soulmate comes along. The heart wants what the heart wants. The couple here did things right. They built a friendship founded in their devotion to their kids, and then it turned into something more. They couldn't deny their feelings any longer, so they confessed their love to each other. Each announced to his/her respective spouse that they'd be leaving for the other person. THEN they consummated their relationship. Not one moment before.

Child of divorce here, and this one quote made me want to vomit:

“My kids are going to look at me and know that I am flawed and not perfect, but also deeply in love,” she said. “We’re going to have a big, noisy, rich life, with more love and more people in it.”

Ok, seriously get over yourself. Kids of divorce can totally handle the fact that mom and dad weren't meant to be together, for whatever reason. We can handle that we sometimes forget our ball glove at mom's house and can't play baseball with friends because I am at dad's. We can handle that holidays become more of a PITA because I am running around like a chicken without our heads trying to see two families (and then when we have kids seeing four families since my wife's parents are also divorced).

Leave aside whether my parents are more happy with their current partner's than with each other - its none of my business. But please spare me the bullshit that you are bringing more love to the family. You aren't. You are bringing headache and pain on your kids, who will be fine accepting it as long as you aren't trying to spin it as a benefit to them.

And as long as the soon to be ex isn't constantly poisoning the situation with their side of the story.

Right, and that is something you have no control over. So forget about whether you and your AP can make it work. All it takes is one crazy jilted person to ruin it for everyone. In my world, my dad and his AP are still together, 25 years later. They seem miserable, but then again dad is kind of a miserable guy (his AP is a raging bitch too). My mom has never gotten over the bitch who ruined her marriage.

Here's the thing - I am 40s, married with kids. My marriage is like all others, sometimes good, sometimes tough. I get it. I get marriages fail. I get that people, even good people cheat. My dad is neither good or bad for fucking around. He is human, I love him regardless.

But (there is always a but), the massive drama between him, his AP (still girlfriend, they never married) and my mom is so damn toxic I don't speak to any of them except when I have to. And truthfully, its more because my mom is crazy and never got over it, but AP is also a raging bitch about it (did I mention she is a raging bitch).

The moral of the story - once you have kids, there is no such thing as a clean no-fault divorce. Even if you do everything right, your ex can ruin it for you. Even if your kids think your ex is the problem, they are still likely to walk away from all of you than to take sides.

[Anonymous]

In theory, I would have loved to ditch my DH and run off with my AP. But in reality, I knew the grass isn't greener over there. He's also an asshole, just like I am. It felt great BECAUSE we didn't have the responsibilities of family, chores, work together. What we had was an escape valve, and that sure felt good.

But, as for the kids, the house, the work, the dogs ... DH is the one I depend on and share the burden with. That means something.

[Anonymous]

+1 on the holidays. Do you think your kids want to spend holidays with someone who showed so little regard for their family? I know some people think the 3rd party isn't really guilty of anything, but I disagree, and either way, it's ridiculous to say you owe the existing family and kids no consideration, and then turn on a dime and expect to be treated as a family member. It sucks, sucks, sucks to schlepp little kids through divorced grandparent holidays. And the cheaters will always come last. Family is soooo important, isn't it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, married 10 years and 2 kids. I am very happy.

Hmmmm not giving many details, lol

What do you want to know?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:From what I have seen: couples who affair pre-kids and the marriage ends - sometimes the APs make it work for the long haul.

Couples with kids who break up the family for their AP. It never lasts. OK, I am sure there are exception, but I haven't seen one yet.

This is your "exception", although I think there are many more. Sometimes you get married to one person, and then your soulmate comes along. The heart wants what the heart wants. The couple here did things right. They built a friendship founded in their devotion to their kids, and then it turned into something more. They couldn't deny their feelings any longer, so they confessed their love to each other. Each announced to his/her respective spouse that they'd be leaving for the other person. THEN they consummated their relationship. Not one moment before.

Vomit. What incredibly selfish people. Devoted to your kids my ass. Click through and look at the picture. Does the girl on the right look happy? That's how I look when I'm trying to conceal my disgust at my cheating parents selfish, tacky behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:+1 on the holidays. Do you think your kids want to spend holidays with someone who showed so little regard for their family? I know some people think the 3rd party isn't really guilty of anything, but I disagree, and either way, it's ridiculous to say you owe the existing family and kids no consideration, and then turn on a dime and expect to be treated as a family member. It sucks, sucks, sucks to schlepp little kids through divorced grandparent holidays. And the cheaters will always come last. Family is soooo important, isn't it!

So true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In theory, I would have loved to ditch my DH and run off with my AP. But in reality, I knew the grass isn't greener over there. He's also an asshole, just like I am. It felt great BECAUSE we didn't have the responsibilities of family, chores, work together. What we had was an escape valve, and that sure felt good.

But, as for the kids, the house, the work, the dogs ... DH is the one I depend on and share the burden with. That means something.

You were smart. My husband wasn't. Left me and the kids for the fantasy. Was miserable within weeks. Now he's stuck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In theory, I would have loved to ditch my DH and run off with my AP. But in reality, I knew the grass isn't greener over there. He's also an asshole, just like I am. It felt great BECAUSE we didn't have the responsibilities of family, chores, work together. What we had was an escape valve, and that sure felt good.

But, as for the kids, the house, the work, the dogs ... DH is the one I depend on and share the burden with. That means something.

You were smart. My husband wasn't. Left me and the kids for the fantasy. Was miserable within weeks. Now he's stuck.

I'm sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, married 10 years and 2 kids. I am very happy.

Hmmmm not giving many details, lol

The devil in is the details. Doesn't specify if anyone one else affected is happy. Me me me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:From what I have seen: couples who affair pre-kids and the marriage ends - sometimes the APs make it work for the long haul.

Couples with kids who break up the family for their AP. It never lasts. OK, I am sure there are exception, but I haven't seen one yet.

This is your "exception", although I think there are many more. Sometimes you get married to one person, and then your soulmate comes along. The heart wants what the heart wants. The couple here did things right. They built a friendship founded in their devotion to their kids, and then it turned into something more. They couldn't deny their feelings any longer, so they confessed their love to each other. Each announced to his/her respective spouse that they'd be leaving for the other person. THEN they consummated their relationship. Not one moment before.

Child of divorce here, and this one quote made me want to vomit:

“My kids are going to look at me and know that I am flawed and not perfect, but also deeply in love,” she said. “We’re going to have a big, noisy, rich life, with more love and more people in it.”

Ok, seriously get over yourself. Kids of divorce can totally handle the fact that mom and dad weren't meant to be together, for whatever reason. We can handle that we sometimes forget our ball glove at mom's house and can't play baseball with friends because I am at dad's. We can handle that holidays become more of a PITA because I am running around like a chicken without our heads trying to see two families (and then when we have kids seeing four families since my wife's parents are also divorced).

Leave aside whether my parents are more happy with their current partner's than with each other - its none of my business. But please spare me the bullshit that you are bringing more love to the family. You aren't. You are bringing headache and pain on your kids, who will be fine accepting it as long as you aren't trying to spin it as a benefit to them.

And as long as the soon to be ex isn't constantly poisoning the situation with their side of the story.

Right, and that is something you have no control over. So forget about whether you and your AP can make it work. All it takes is one crazy jilted person to ruin it for everyone. In my world, my dad and his AP are still together, 25 years later. They seem miserable, but then again dad is kind of a miserable guy (his AP is a raging bitch too). My mom has never gotten over the bitch who ruined her marriage.

Here's the thing - I am 40s, married with kids. My marriage is like all others, sometimes good, sometimes tough. I get it. I get marriages fail. I get that people, even good people cheat. My dad is neither good or bad for fucking around. He is human, I love him regardless.

But (there is always a but), the massive drama between him, his AP (still girlfriend, they never married) and my mom is so damn toxic I don't speak to any of them except when I have to. And truthfully, its more because my mom is crazy and never got over it, but AP is also a raging bitch about it (did I mention she is a raging bitch).

The moral of the story - once you have kids, there is no such thing as a clean no-fault divorce. Even if you do everything right, your ex can ruin it for you. Even if your kids think your ex is the problem, they are still likely to walk away from all of you than to take sides.

And trust me, you will have NO control over that ex partner/wife/husband. And you will always be wrong and the kids will always choose that person, mostly because that person makes them feel guilty if they spend any happy quality time with the other party. Unless the person you are leaving to pursue the AP is mental stable, financially stable and wants this as much as you, you will always be on the wrong side in your kids eyes. Graduations, baby showers, wedding, etc., you name it, the wronged ex will put their stamp on the occasion to constantly remind you that you are an ASS. Just the way it will be, if you can live with that, go ahead, but remember the AP is/will be the target of most of these situations and you and AP will also have a strained relationship because there will be lots of times that you will not be able to help yourselves and will take it out on each other. Picture this, we are on a ski trip in Aspen with step children, many years after divorce, and ex in in Europe with long time live in beau, we are having an amazing time and the children are laughing, engaging and genuinely enjoying the skiing and family time. Mom calls, after realizing kids are having fun, uses every phone call to bring them down until the trip is just ruined. This is just one of many times until we gave up and stopped taking the kids with us, contrary to what other pps are saying, the kids wanted to go and had fun with us, but the ex never stopped, and I mean, NEVER. If you are prepared for this drama, which I don't think anyone is, well, good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:From what I have seen: couples who affair pre-kids and the marriage ends - sometimes the APs make it work for the long haul.

Couples with kids who break up the family for their AP. It never lasts. OK, I am sure there are exception, but I haven't seen one yet.

This is your "exception", although I think there are many more. Sometimes you get married to one person, and then your soulmate comes along. The heart wants what the heart wants. The couple here did things right. They built a friendship founded in their devotion to their kids, and then it turned into something more. They couldn't deny their feelings any longer, so they confessed their love to each other. Each announced to his/her respective spouse that they'd be leaving for the other person. THEN they consummated their relationship. Not one moment before.

Child of divorce here, and this one quote made me want to vomit:

“My kids are going to look at me and know that I am flawed and not perfect, but also deeply in love,” she said. “We’re going to have a big, noisy, rich life, with more love and more people in it.”

Ok, seriously get over yourself. Kids of divorce can totally handle the fact that mom and dad weren't meant to be together, for whatever reason. We can handle that we sometimes forget our ball glove at mom's house and can't play baseball with friends because I am at dad's. We can handle that holidays become more of a PITA because I am running around like a chicken without our heads trying to see two families (and then when we have kids seeing four families since my wife's parents are also divorced).

Leave aside whether my parents are more happy with their current partner's than with each other - its none of my business. But please spare me the bullshit that you are bringing more love to the family. You aren't. You are bringing headache and pain on your kids, who will be fine accepting it as long as you aren't trying to spin it as a benefit to them.

And as long as the soon to be ex isn't constantly poisoning the situation with their side of the story.

Right, and that is something you have no control over. So forget about whether you and your AP can make it work. All it takes is one crazy jilted person to ruin it for everyone. In my world, my dad and his AP are still together, 25 years later. They seem miserable, but then again dad is kind of a miserable guy (his AP is a raging bitch too). My mom has never gotten over the bitch who ruined her marriage.

Here's the thing - I am 40s, married with kids. My marriage is like all others, sometimes good, sometimes tough. I get it. I get marriages fail. I get that people, even good people cheat. My dad is neither good or bad for fucking around. He is human, I love him regardless.

But (there is always a but), the massive drama between him, his AP (still girlfriend, they never married) and my mom is so damn toxic I don't speak to any of them except when I have to. And truthfully, its more because my mom is crazy and never got over it, but AP is also a raging bitch about it (did I mention she is a raging bitch).

The moral of the story - once you have kids, there is no such thing as a clean no-fault divorce. Even if you do everything right, your ex can ruin it for you. Even if your kids think your ex is the problem, they are still likely to walk away from all of you than to take sides.

And trust me, you will have NO control over that ex partner/wife/husband. And you will always be wrong and the kids will always choose that person, mostly because that person makes them feel guilty if they spend any happy quality time with the other party. Unless the person you are leaving to pursue the AP is mental stable, financially stable and wants this as much as you, you will always be on the wrong side in your kids eyes. Graduations, baby showers, wedding, etc., you name it, the wronged ex will put their stamp on the occasion to constantly remind you that you are an ASS. Just the way it will be, if you can live with that, go ahead, but remember the AP is/will be the target of most of these situations and you and AP will also have a strained relationship because there will be lots of times that you will not be able to help yourselves and will take it out on each other. Picture this, we are on a ski trip in Aspen with step children, many years after divorce, and ex in in Europe with long time live in beau, we are having an amazing time and the children are laughing, engaging and genuinely enjoying the skiing and family time. Mom calls, after realizing kids are having fun, uses every phone call to bring them down until the trip is just ruined. This is just one of many times until we gave up and stopped taking the kids with us, contrary to what other pps are saying, the kids wanted to go and had fun with us, but the ex never stopped, and I mean, NEVER. If you are prepared for this drama, which I don't think anyone is, well, good luck.

Poor AP. Another woman ruining your family life. That must suck.

[Anonymous]

Here's another way to look at it. Yes, my mom is a hot mess. Yes, talking to her about all her problems brings me diwn. Yes, it must have sucked to be married to her. But she's my mom and I love her. And more importantly, if my parents were married, I would have my dad's help in dealing with her and caring for her. Instead, he chose to make things worse by cheating and leaving me to deal with her on my own. Oh, your mom is crazy and difficult? Good luck kiddo, you're on your own! So with that hanging over my head, forgive me for not enjoying your vacation with your new wife who is equally psycho. You washed your hands of my mother, but I'm not at that point yet and probably never will be. Enjoy your vacation!